AIBU to not want to work my arse off to educate my kids privately

[MoonStar07]

Basically ALL our family DH's and my are educating their kids privately. All paid by the DHs of the family who are sole earners but big earners. Think partners in top firms and consultants. We're not my husband has a good job but is mid career. I doubt by the time our first DC is 7 we can afford private school. I'm a SAHM me and DH got lucky and bought in a very good area during the last recession. We have 3 outstanding primary schools and an outstanding Secondary Acadamy. think it's 80% A-C at GCSE. Now I've been 'told' by a close family member that it's probably worth me putting both my kids in full time childcare and going back to work. Yes I earned a good whack and if I went back we could pay private school fees. Just to pay school fees. I worry my kids will miss out they literally will be the only ones NoT private school educated in our whole family. But we can't afford it unless I work and well I don't see the point we've got bloody good schools! In a bloody good area! Am I AIBU not wanting to go back to work? Should I work to pay the fees? Arghh it's sending me mad.

is one of the least palatable aspects...

I'm sure some do shed students. The one my kids attend has a real family feel. There were 2 kids asked to leave this year but that was because they assaulted the teacher. Money doesn't buy manners or good behaviour.

I'd go with state myself if you have good ones on your doorstep.

When you get to 50 you suddenly become less employable. I didn't believe it until we got there. I'm very glad we don't have the added pressure of school fees now.

I did consider doing as you are thinking. But reasoned actually they'll be better off having a life where they walk home from school to find me in the house. Spend their holidays nipping over to friends houses. My parents worked full time to send me to private school. I used to get three trains to school, spent my entire holidays with an elderly aunt and rarely saw my friends outside school. I didn't do any better workwise than I would have at state school.

I prefer the ethos of their state school myself. Mine enjoy going to school which I can't say I did.

No decision is set in stone....so perhaps it may be easier to break down your decision making process into primary school and secondary school.Whilst you are feeling so strongly about being at home for them when they first start school, maybe send them to the good local schools and give yourself a chance to adjust to the children being away at school during the day. Starting school is usually a time of transition not just for children, but also parents. You may start to re-claim other parts of yourself - other than being a mother and you may find you are excited about getting involved in other activities again or training to qualify in something you have always longed to do or refreshed the skills you use in a previous job. Meanwhile the little ones will be learning to read and write and how to be part of a social group. Now... people with 'old money', mostly send their children to local schools until they are 8 years old and then on to private schools.....so perhaps you can silence inquiring family members by letting them know that it is so passe to send a child to private school before then. I suspect that you will be happy with how the children are faring at the local schools, it will be a gentle transition for you both and if you decide at aged 8 or 12 that they will then go to a private school, so be it. Just take your time, have an open mind and keep on loving the little ones

I want my kids to see a realistic representation of life in their school, not the bubble of privilege that their professional parents might well be able to create.

This is what worries me. I went to a private school (abroad, I'm forrin) in a deprived country, and the gap between the day to day lives of the pupils and those of ordinary people was unpalatable. A new car was a very "normal" 18th birthday present / bribe for decent final-year results, for example. I worry that the gap would be as wide in London. I don't want to raise an entitled wally (does anyone?).

Friends and acquaintances who have gone private seem to be working all hours and making sacrifices to pay the fees, and - barring my children having specific needs that are served by the private sector - I don't want DH and I to be caught in this trap.

Complicating things further... DH was raised in what we'd call a council estate in the Soviet Union, and went to a correspondingly grim school. He now works at a company whose products you use every day, alongside graduates of Eton, St. Pauls, Westminster (and subsequently Oxbridge) etc. I worked in City law alongside people from fairly diverse backgrounds, in spite of the reputation the City has.

In all honestly, as we're house hunting, I expect we'll go with a "selective by postcode" state school, that we like the ethos and feel of. Which feels like a good enough solution to me right now. Long term, no idea.

TL:DR - sympathies OP. I'm not sure I have the right answer either but I think your approach / assessment on the merits of particular schools for particular DC, is the correct one.

essential I don't know how long ago you worked in the city but currently things are going backwards in terms of diversity.

The firms are taking far more applicants from outside the UK ( nearly all from advantaged backgrounds) and the successful UK applicants come from an ever more narrow social sphere, which is set to worsen with the changes in HE.

As usual on threads like these, there is huge denial about the current state if affairs in schools, HE and the job market.

The government has done a very good job indeed of pulling the rug with almost no opposition.

Carl I was in the City until a year ago and now work in the recruitment of trainees!

Unfortunately I don't know enough about the HE situation to comment - I only arrived to the UK for my Master's.

The situation at entry level in the city is quite dire IMVHO ( in terms of social diversity ).

I mean it was never great was it? But things were improving.

Now the reduction in places available ( particularly for UK applicants) has led to a reduction in university pool, with more and more emphasis being placed on post grad education.

Couple this with the expansion if US firms in London, who very much see diversity as being about race and sex, and it's another perfect storm.

The changes coming in HE will compound this. Almost making an official pool.

We are going to send our DD private as the secondary school near us is AWFUL and to move (we live in London) to an area with a good secondary school is extortion. If we had a good secondary school we would probably send her to state. It is a personal choice, one is not better than the other. I know people who have excelled in private schools and others who did really badly and hated it. What they choose for their children is their choice and you should not be looked down on for making choices for your DC.

We're not privately educating for the reason that we live in an area with good primary schools/ 11+ system and good alternative secondary school. We could just about afford it if I went back to work full time but we couldn't then afford anything else. We'd be barely scraping by and no way could our children then do any of the expensive extra-curricular stuff at school that their well-off mates would do. That could easily lead to teasing over being poor (seen that happen a lot when I was at a private school as a kid). Also, the children would then never see either parent.

It's so individual. Many state schools are very good, some private schools are pretty rubbish, not every child suits every school etc.

For the majority of people, I think it tends to make more sense to get the best state school you can, and spend some money on tutoring, extra-curric and enriching stuff for the weekends. I think it's also a good idea to get your kids into the habit of doing some extra work at home with you at weekends and during holidays. Insofar as there is a bit of a gap between what the average private and state primary offers, I suspect that there are much cheaper ways to fill that gap.

Private school fees have risen and risen in real terms, and are now simply extortionate--and they will only continue going up, year after year, into the future. I wonder if some of your relatives are choosing priv. schools because they were educated that way and think that it is normal? A generation ago, professional families could afford to put a couple of kids through priv. school without too much hardship. It is much, much harder these days.

You can always look for a private secondary or sixth form later if you change your mind.

I agree with the person who said "choose the school not the sector " my DC ended up in private as we'd moved to the country, great state primary and secondary near by. By the time my DC were ready for school they were in special measures - one had 6 heads in two years (admittedly a couple of them were meant to be temporary !) nightmare. I knew things were bad when a friend of dc2 was sent to a prep - his mother taught at one of the schools and her other DC had gone there and done well. She said she couldn't put the youngest DC through it the way it now was.

We were lucky that my PIL were happy to take most of the financial burden. If my DC had been 5 years younger or 5 years older then they would have not gone private. It seemed the right thing at that point. As it was I think we were wrong with dc2 - who should probably have gone to the local state as that's where their friends were. They never really settled properly in the private school.

But you just have to make the best decision for them that you can at the time. Sometimes we get it wrong - but we can only do our best.

I would be more worried that you are so totally economically dependent to be honest.

Moonstar, I was in a similar position to you when my DC were young (except I worked part time). We decided to stick with sending our DC to excellent local non-selective state schools while also living in a very nice area.

All the DCs have grown up now and nobody would ever be able tell by speaking to my DCs or their cousins which of them were privately educated. The only difference that I can see between our families is that our mortgage was paid off much earlier and my DCs have been far more willing to work in part time jobs while studying at university!

Some fantastic thought provoking advice. Over night I thought long and hard. It's definitely giving the up being a SAHM that I will find painful. Also putting the toddler in childcare when I SAH for the eldest. My options are a school hours job. I've been looking further into this and there are options. So much to think about we are many years from secondary. So time will tell. Either way I don't think we'll do it at prep age

Honestly they want you to do the same as them as if you use state schools and your children do.just as well as theirs it questions whether the money they spend is worth it. Just tell them that if it goes wrong at state you will go back to work to move them into private. You don't have to mean it!

I wouldn't do it because of the pressure on the child. At some point they will realise you are working 60+ hours to pay for their education.

I also think the money can be better used on extra curricular / adventure holiday / music lessons.

If you are getting flack how about, "We considered it, but the holidays are too long , I want them in school not out" Not a lot they can say about that

I'm presuming from your Op that you and DH were privately educated? Where does the pressure come from?

sashh where did you get 60+ hours from?

I thought OP said she could get school hours, term time work .

We were on holiday a couple of weeks ago and met a charming and friendly British couple with three delightful privately-educated small DC. Parents were a surgeon and a lawyer with public school/Oxbridge education.

While they were clearly very comfortably inserted in life, they were nonetheless anxious about the VFM of the education they were buying for their DC. They were incredibly interested in the choices we had made for our DC and the information we had about international educations paths versus the purely British. As Carl says, City/US firms are eager to recruit more culturally diverse profiles, at the expense of more socially diverse profiles (and even at the expense of the traditionally public school all singing all dancing profiles).

Private school isn't the be all and end all. I don't know many people round me that went to private and most of my social circle have good professional jobs. I do know a couple of women that went and none of them or their previous school buddies appear to have particularly interesting or lucrative careers. Possible high school could be an advantage due the the connections you make but certainly not primary schools. If you have good schools round you make the most of it.

I live in an area where the local schools are just as good (and in a few cases better) than the private schools. I'm including secondary in that. I can hand on heart say that if I won the lottery or was left a huge inheritance I would continue to send my children to the schools they attend now. If you have good state schools near you why would you effectively throw money in the bin by opting for private? Use any extra money for travel, music, clubs - all those things which will really enrich your children's lives.

bobo I think a lot of parents using private schools are increasingly alive to expanding their DC's education beyond the traditional UK offering.

Not only to place their DC in competitive positions but also because they value any opportunity to broaden education (and don't expect a direct pay off per se IYSWIM).

This trend, coupled with the problems in state education, is making the gap worse and worse.

That said, you do as a parent need to keep it all in perspective.

Educational opportunities are wonderful, but there are some ( possibly this is a London thing?) who start to convince themselves that X,Y or Z are crucial. And those thoughts become contagious. Soon everyone in a certain sphere begin to think that the lack of X,Y or Z spell disaster.

If you are a parent in the UK you can choose to educate your DC in the state sector and top up your DC's education with (expensive) horizon broadening and skills enhancing opportunities in the way many continental European families do, and you won't be out of pocket versus private education.

I completely agree, Carl, that some London parents are adopting a NY style alpha family culture. I'm not sure that it is entirely useful or necessary either ;)