AIBU to not want to work my arse off to educate my kids privately

[MoonStar07]

Basically ALL our family DH's and my are educating their kids privately. All paid by the DHs of the family who are sole earners but big earners. Think partners in top firms and consultants. We're not my husband has a good job but is mid career. I doubt by the time our first DC is 7 we can afford private school. I'm a SAHM me and DH got lucky and bought in a very good area during the last recession. We have 3 outstanding primary schools and an outstanding Secondary Acadamy. think it's 80% A-C at GCSE. Now I've been 'told' by a close family member that it's probably worth me putting both my kids in full time childcare and going back to work. Yes I earned a good whack and if I went back we could pay private school fees. Just to pay school fees. I worry my kids will miss out they literally will be the only ones NoT private school educated in our whole family. But we can't afford it unless I work and well I don't see the point we've got bloody good schools! In a bloody good area! Am I AIBU not wanting to go back to work? Should I work to pay the fees? Arghh it's sending me mad.

Send your children to the school which best suits them and ignore any advice to the contrary from family.

IME you are never going to convince families that educate their children privately that the state system can be good enough. If they believed that they'd use it. Either say something neutral like "thanks, we'll think about that" each time they give your their opinion or tell them to butt out. Whatever you do don't start arguing or justifying your position because this sort of thing will go on until your dc get their A level results!

Pfft. Tell them to bog off and just do what suits your family. If it makes financial and childcare sense for you to be a sahm and you enjoy it and you don't yearn to return to work right now then why change?

If you have good local schools you would be mad to struggle and pay fees.

It isn't just the fees, it is the uniform, sports kit, trips, childcare for the extra long holidays, the list is endless.

My DC went to excellent local secondary schools - I couldn't have got better if I had paid a fortune.

Quality of life and time spent with your DC is priceless.

Thanks and thanks. I need to keep this thread forever !! I'll need it over the coming years!

Yes, don't argue or justify (take the "never apologise, never explain).

All our DC's cousins are being educated privately. DH and his sisters have all been to public school.

We are breaking with the family tradition.

Because we are confident in our choice, we don't feel much need to justify or explain to family.

I certainly would not allow anyone to talk me into working (or staying at home) as that is 100% DH and my choice, and nobody else's.

Just do what suits you.

You can always kill a conversation by gently agreeing, then still do your own thing

I think you won't know if it is worth it until your children are older. They might love and thrive at your local state schools. On the other hand, you might have a child who has a particular talent that you feel can only be nurtured at a local private school (or indeed a local state school). I think state school education is best if at all possible, but I also think that there are some circumstances in which parents think it is worth making sacrifices for their children. There is no point at all in sending your children to private schools for the status value. However, there may be reasons why you think it is worth it in the end - in particular, some children thrive in smaller classes and others might struggle with bullying which means that you need to move schools. But I am very envious of your good state options - it is difficult for us being atheists in London who are likely to be rejected by all of the good faith schools nearby!

If the state schools are as good as you describe then I would consider forking out for private school as akin to throwing money in the bin.

If you return to work then wouldn't it be better to be able to spend the additional money on giving your family a more comfortable lifestyle, paying for after school clubs, broadening their horizons with travel and nice holidays.

Why spend it all on private education and have hardly anything left over to enjoy yourselves with if it isn't absolutely necessary?

Are you sure you could get a job at your previous level

Just say to them very smugly 'Oh our children are very bright so they won't need the smaller class sizes. We're very lucky', and smile.

I did say to DH that holidays etc and working for nice things. Ie being a SAHM we don't have much money left over each month. Eg I don't get new clothes. Sometimes a top from peacocks lol. Sounds terrible. We've worked really hard to buy the house in this area for the schools. We got in cos it was a recession and we bought a doer upper. So we've invested a lot in the house and area.

If money was no object - what would you do?

We went state, then changed to private with me as a SAHM. I'm now working part-time a few days a week (school hours). This covers their fees.

Ps I don't regret our decision to put them privately. But if I had excellent state schools, and I could only afford private if I worked full time, I wouldn't do it.

no need to go private - but if you earned a good whack before surely it's worth working eg part time in that career so you can pay for music tuition or sports or holidays or whatever will be important later on when dc older?

there is a middle ground of local good state school plus extras like sports, drama, music depending on their interests.

On the surface it seems that kids who go to private schools do better than those in state schools, possibly because classes are much smaller. However, if a child does not need much one to one that advantage becomes less relevant. There is a study cited in the book Freakonomics which suggests that it is not the private school that makes the difference but the DRIVE of the parents who are inclined to prioritise their children's education and so send them to private schools that affects matters. If that is true then a good state school and your good nurturing is enough.

If money was no object I have no idea. Yes I think I will deffo work part time in order to pay for extra curricular it would be silly of me not too and a waste of my abilities.

I bet if you did work the same family members would start going on about what a shame it was that you weren't at home for them. You've got great local schools, if you're happy with them then why on earth give yourself more stress?

MoonStar your bright children will do just as well educationally at a good state school. The reason why privately educated people generally do better in life is the self assurance and confidence they usually acquire at school.
If you feel your children need this you can always send them later either at secondary level or even later if that's possible.
Meanwhile return to work when you are ready and your DC are at school and use the extra money to provide enjoyable experiences for the family. If your Ds1 has any hiccups with his health you can afford to take time off or give up the job, whereas you couldn't if it meant you couldn't pay the fees.
Good luck

Yes the area I worked in I could go in earning pretty much what i earned before. Even if I had to go in at a slightly lower level. Financially it would be a small impact within 6 months I would be back on track.

If you have good schools in your area you don't need private and of course private isn't always better.
Just tell family you consider yourself fortunate not to have to pay for education and also that private isn't always better and see them squirm.
I have one in private because no other school could meet her needs, the others were state, all the way.
I think as long as you can afford to support your children in the subjects they choose then you don't need to work unless you want to.
Some dc don't want to do alot of activities that costs money, alot of the time it's the parents pushing them into it anyway.

I know my DS would be getting similar academic results if he went to the state school I teach at as he is at his Prep.

What he gets that would not be available are:

• at least an hour of sport every single day (proper sport where he actually learns sports and then plays in matches)
• a swimming lesson every week all year
• a part in two big shows every year for which a lot of curriculum time is sacrificed to rehearsals and therefore the quality is incomparable
• more individual attention due to having a class of 12 with a teacher and TA- which he needs because he is summer born and mildly dyslexic
• a teacher who is not on the bones of her arse because of stress and is still allowed to be a professional
• a choice of around 20 extra-curricular activities each week- which are available every week all year so he can stick to them and get reasonably good at them, rather than a rotation
• a broader curriculum
• no behavioural difficulties in his class

Much of this extra stuff being taken care of at school means we spend less time carting round to extra-curricular activities out of school (although he does swim out of school) so we actually have more time together at home. However, it is less diverse and he has a much narrower range of friends than he would have at my school.

I can't imagine anyone having the temerity to suggest you send your children privately without solicitation. When you say someone suggested you go back to work, was it for this reason?

You'd have to be completely tone-deaf to make such a comment.

I'd say 'doesn't this conversation feel really awkward to you?' if they broach the topic again.

I went to a private school and ended up as a nurse, which I would have done anyway I guess. What I got at private school was a better standard of friends I guess and opportunities to excel in drama and music.

My best mates all come from school and are solicitors, doctors and work in the city, they have lived abroad and I've had great free hols with them. I also know how to write a good letter! They best thing though was my dyslexia was picked up at age 7 whereas my 3 cousins weren't diagnosed until college and they were state educated.

If i'm honest I am a bit terrified of sending LO to state school and if myself and my partner worked really really hard we would be able to afford private school, but I want to be there for him to pick him up from school (unlike my parents who were always working) and cook him dinner.

Its such a tough one but you can always get tutors if they are struggling and take them to plays and museums on the weekends. I hope I win the lottery! Or get him in on a music scholarship - he is only 8months but I'm already thinking violin!!!

Yes. It was said in a conversation about fees. I said well good job we have good state schools etc. Then was suggested I go back to work to pay the fees. Blunt as that!

Was this your MIL/FIL, mother, father...?