AIBU to not want to work my arse off to educate my kids privately

[MoonStar07]

Basically ALL our family DH's and my are educating their kids privately. All paid by the DHs of the family who are sole earners but big earners. Think partners in top firms and consultants. We're not my husband has a good job but is mid career. I doubt by the time our first DC is 7 we can afford private school. I'm a SAHM me and DH got lucky and bought in a very good area during the last recession. We have 3 outstanding primary schools and an outstanding Secondary Acadamy. think it's 80% A-C at GCSE. Now I've been 'told' by a close family member that it's probably worth me putting both my kids in full time childcare and going back to work. Yes I earned a good whack and if I went back we could pay private school fees. Just to pay school fees. I worry my kids will miss out they literally will be the only ones NoT private school educated in our whole family. But we can't afford it unless I work and well I don't see the point we've got bloody good schools! In a bloody good area! Am I AIBU not wanting to go back to work? Should I work to pay the fees? Arghh it's sending me mad.

[SlightlyperturbedOwl]

definitely Gandalf and by 10 they are ready for a bit of 'slightly detached and impersonal care'

[SlightlyperturbedOwl]

Though I do agree I wouldn't want it to be every day.

[gandalf456]

Surely bringing up the children is work? I know they'll be at school but the days are short and you have the holidays to cover. You have to decide whether what you could earn with either the extra expense of childcare after school and for whole days during 13 wks of the year (not including sickness, INSET days, strikes - and more if private and clubs don't always run in the private school holiday or on INSET days) or having to take a fairly menial, low paid job that will fit nicely into school hours and that you may well hate, too.

[gandalf456]

Owl, ain't that the truth!

[StealthPolarBear]

Bit what you can earn goes up over time and also contributes to a pension .
and I too seem to think your lists of things that you need to be a sahm for are things we all, wohp or sahp, just get on with. Living your notmal life shouldn't take so much effort!

[gandalf456]

Working from home is a great idea. I have never found the opportunities that quite work or don't require re-training, though I'm currently looking into it and thinking of just biting the bullet.

Saying that, you still do need childcare for that even though it's more flexible. If, say, you're running a business, your clients will be working a 9-5 day even if you are not and will have deadlines that fit in with that structure or will want to schedule meetings at all sorts of times.

I don't think there are many things that fit in, really, without the need for childcare and the costs that ensue, if that's what's putting you off. Teaching Assistant springs to mind but that's not well paid and it's hard work.

[FayaMAMA]

If you have fantastic state schools available to you then utilise them!

My DDs will be privately educated (currently at pre-prep), paid for by my parents. My private school education was paid for by my grandparents (so it doesn't feel unusual for me not to be paying). The state schools in my area are abysmal, and as a student and working mum I need the extra childcare/pastoral care/activities that private schools offer.

In a your situation, there is absolutely no way I would work to send my children to private school when I could instead be spending time at home with them! I'd love to be able to be a SAHM, and there truly is nothing more valuable to your children than your time. Perhaps just look into going back to work once your DC are all in primary education and see if you can afford/want to look into private schools then (for example, if the secondary schools don't seem so good in a few years).

[MoonStar07]

Thanks everyone lots for to read and absorb and think through. Reading over the going back to work. Yes skills do change. I could be really out of touch although the core skills of my job haven't changed for years. Technology etc does change the workplace

[gandalf456]

Good luck with whatever you decide

[Iloveowls2]

If you have good state schools round you I wouldn't waste my money on private education if I were you. However, it Depends on what you want your child to get out of education. But comparing the people I know who went to private and public schools v good state schools I think the money is best spent elsewhere eg world travel, saving for uni fees, saving for s house deposit, encouraging hobbies etc

[grumpysquash3]

Moon
We deliberately moved to an area with good schools when DC1 was a year old. I am from a family where everyone was privately educated, and DH went to an 11+ grammar school.

I am the only one of my generation in my family who has state educated DC. They are doing fine, actually really well and have great friendship groups.

I work FT in a professional job, but it would take my whole salary and more to put the DC through private school, so I choose not to (please note that money is not the only reason!). We have a big enough house and a holiday and a short break each year and I save up for their Uni years and beyond. They get things they want for birthdays.

It is all OK. We are happy. The DC are getting educated. I will concede that they don't play lacrosse, fives, squash or water polo or do horse riding or fencing. They are not bothered though. They do swimming, dancing, Scouts, that sort of stuff.

[littlepeas]

We chose our children's private school mainly for the pastoral care and wonderful teachers - it isn't always about academic achievement, the state primary they attended before the move performed very well in that area. I would stress that all private schools are different and it is important to find a good match for your children - all private schools should not be tarred with the same brush, though I would say that the majority of state schools suffer from similar issues.

The most noticeable difference for me was the attitude of the staff - there were some very stressed, hassled and unhappy individuals at my dc's state primary, but at their private school the teachers are approachable and clearly happy and content in their careers. The majority send their dc to the school and the feeder secondary and the majority have worked there for numerous years.

I do sometimes think that people who say that private school is a waste of money have no experience of the private sector. OR they have no experience of the state sector and imagine it is better than it is.

[Redlocks28]

DH went to an 11+ grammar school.

Are there other types?!

[grumpysquash3]

There are (or used to be) 13+ grammar schools, especially if you were in a county that had middle schools (=years 5,6,7,8)

[Rarotonga]

YANBU. My (future - currently pg with dc1) dc are likely be the only children in my family who will not be privately educated. I was privately educated too and am already feeling slightly guilty and worrying how they will feel about it. But there is no way in the world we can comfortably afford it, unless there are significant changes (i.e. I hardly ever see dh and he doesn't see them grow up). I wouldn't want them to miss out on other experiences, such as extra curricular activities and holidays in order to be able to afford it. I just don't think it is possible for many people including us.

I am lucky in that I go into lots of schools in my area in my job role, and this has given me some insight into what the schools are really like, beyond the Ofsted rating. I really would be happy for my dc to go to our village school and to several others in the area as things stand (I know things can change).

[grumpysquash3]

But what I actually meant by 11+ grammar was really that it was selective + non-fee paying, which I guess most people would know

[Sugarcoma]

If it makes you feel any better, my parents could only afford to send one kid to private school and they felt my younger sibling 'needed' it more than I did.

I went to a (religious) state comp and got much better GCSE and A-Level results and went onto Oxbridge, sibling was at a private school, got pretty rubbish grades but managed to get into a decent redbrick Uni.

The main thing I found was that my parents paid for a lot of private tutors for both of us and, for me, that was much more useful.

The one thing that is invaluable about private school - and I can see this mainly in my male friends (and DP) who went rather than female ones necessarily - is that intrinsic air of total confidence it gives.

[PinguForPresident]

My daughter was the very bright all-rounder at her primary state school. It's an Outstanding school and she was identiied as Gifted and Talented at Reception level, so extended very capably within the state school. we were very happy.

Then she won a 100% scholarship to a (good!) private school (which I put her in for on a total off-chance after a friend suggested it). She's been at the pricate achool for a year now. The differences are extreme.

At the state school she was one of 25 in a class - small for state really, but it meant the teachers had less time with the kids. my teacher froneds say that once you get to the 17th name in the register you feel like there's a billion of them in the class. She now has a class of 12. She does an hour of proper sport every day with a PE teacher - not half an hour chucking bean bags into a ring leek she did at state. She has 2 hours of music with a proper music teacher each week. She learns instruments. She does sports clubs, art clubs, drama clubs, choir, band, all included in the curriculum, all with dedicated teachers. She has breakfast and after school clubs included in the cost (so free for us) with homework supervised by teachers. Her teacher really knew her, and was available at any time if we had problems. we could email her directly about the smallest thing, and she'd be able to answer quickly, and knowledgeably.

The difference is staggering. And it shows in her: she was always happy to be at school, but now she's excited, engaged and bubbling over with enthusiasm for everything - even though she's no longer effortlessly top of the class (she's not the only scholarship girl!)

my son will start at the state primary this September. It breaks my heart that we can't give him the same advantage that his sister has at her school. But he's not the scholarship type, and we can't afford it as I'm a f/t student.

Outstanding state schools are all very well. BUT to get the "Outstanding" grading, they lose out on a lot of the things that make the private schools worth it.

Wokring on my experience of private and state, if I could afford it, I'd send both of mine to private school,in a heartbeat.

[minifingerz]

Pingu, state schools must give children other advantages then, because despite the differences you mention they don't appear to give bright and well supported children a massive edge in terms of outcomes.

Your daughter would have done incredibly well, by the sound of it, at her state primary. And she would have done it on the same terms as other children.

[Headofthehive55]

We could easily send our children to private school, and did send the first.

However my next DD is going to the local state comp. and has been in state primary.

I don't feel at all guilty! There are negatives to private school. I don't think it would improve her academic outcomes and we can save the money to give her a large deposit or buy her a house.

[GetAHaircutCarl]

I think state education is in a bit of a mess right now; and set to get worse.

This government seems intent on introducing all manner of problems whilst at the same time starving the state sector of funding. And we have nil opposition (and nothing looking likely to emerge).

Couple this with what is about to happen in HE (a very clear tiered system) and we have the perfect storm .

[SisterViktorine]

Pingu, state schools must give children other advantages then, because despite the differences you mention they don't appear to give bright and well supported children a massive edge in terms of outcomes.

You are kind of missing the point minifingerz.

The difference is not academic. Yes a bright, well supported student will do well- and probably get the same exam grades- in almost any school.

The difference is all the other opportunities pupils are given in Independent schools alongside the academic curriculum. You may not think those things are important- it seems that you don't as you keep going back to academic results- but they make for a much more rounded experience. It is access to all those additional things that gives Independent school pupils their air of confidence, they have spent much more time developing their 'soft skills'.

[MoonStar07]

It's all a bit of a worry. I can't believe how devisive this has been. The main thing I've taken away is it very much depends on the school. The local private school (7-18) is very good. We live in an area where many of the children who go this school live (albeit in the giant houses and their long gardens that back onto our smaller gardens and houses)! So socialising wouldn't be too much of a problem. It's difficult to know what to do. I just need to take stock. Thanks everyone for sharing your opinions and experiences.

[PinguForPresident]

SisterViktorine nails it.

My daughter would do well at any school, but at the private school she has the pastoral care that the state school lacked, and the breadth of curriculum (and extra-curriculum) that the state can't offer: swimming, other sports, music, languages, drama etc.

[Bobochic]

Absolutely agree with you, SisterViktorine, that it is by and large the "other opportunities" that make the difference between state and privately educated DC. However, many of those "other opportunities" derive from being the offspring of comfortably off, educated parents living in an ecosystem of similar families.