AIBU to not want to work my arse off to educate my kids privately

[MoonStar07]

Basically ALL our family DH's and my are educating their kids privately. All paid by the DHs of the family who are sole earners but big earners. Think partners in top firms and consultants. We're not my husband has a good job but is mid career. I doubt by the time our first DC is 7 we can afford private school. I'm a SAHM me and DH got lucky and bought in a very good area during the last recession. We have 3 outstanding primary schools and an outstanding Secondary Acadamy. think it's 80% A-C at GCSE. Now I've been 'told' by a close family member that it's probably worth me putting both my kids in full time childcare and going back to work. Yes I earned a good whack and if I went back we could pay private school fees. Just to pay school fees. I worry my kids will miss out they literally will be the only ones NoT private school educated in our whole family. But we can't afford it unless I work and well I don't see the point we've got bloody good schools! In a bloody good area! Am I AIBU not wanting to go back to work? Should I work to pay the fees? Arghh it's sending me mad.

[SlightlyperturbedOwl]

But there's no doubt that a stay at home parent is better than all of the alternatives,
Actually I don't agree with this. Some kids I know with a SAHP don't seem to get room to breathe as they are micro-managed. Every minor issue at school is magnified and picked-over and angst-over. Nothing my two like better than a good kick-about and mooch around at after school club with a few mates. Again it depends on the situation and the people, but I know I am a better mum working out of the home part-time.

[inlovewithhubby]

Ok, a quintssentially 'normal' stay at home parent (ie who isn't a bit odd and doesn't horrifically micro manage, isn't abusive or neglectful) is better than the alternatives. I use after school club, and it's a good one, but there is no way it is better than the environment I can provide myself, it just isn't. I realise lots of us have to do it, but it isn't, and cannot possibly be, better.

[inlovewithhubby]

You can still mococh with friends and kick a ball about from home, they like the mooching and the kickabout, not the slightly detached and impersonal care.

[SisterViktorine]

lots of kids I know do loads of extra curricular stuff.

My DS would be absolutely exhausted if he did the 5 clubs he goes to during school hours, and then also clubs that could teach him the sports he learns in PE, after school. He goes to out of school training 2x a week and that is more than enough.

The majority of nights he is done at 4pm and then we actually have time together.

He is only 6 though- maybe he would cope with more after school stuff later on. For now, I really value the fact that there is a very broad range of experiences built into school hours.

[gillybeanz]

All this talk of extra curriculars though, even the best private school couldn't cope with an outstanding sportsperson or artist, actor, musician etc.
They may perform a little bit better than your average state schools, but even then some state schools put a lot of money and resources into their performances, usually through fund raising rather than school funds.

[topcat2014]

Save the money up and buy them a house - it will benefit them more!

[inlovewithhubby]

Sistervik, I'm guessing you privately educate, not read full thread so apologies if this was confirmed previously. My kids get kicked out an hour earlier than yours and an extra half hour on the end of sporty stuff to blow off the cobwebs is just what they want.

I always think about the bubble private school creates. I went to a really rough primary in a very deprived council estate and a mixed secondary. One of my closest friends had a parent in prison, lots of others had huge deprivation, poverty, had to deal with violence from parents or gangs, all things I learned about very young. I wasn't in that reality exactly, rather I dipped into it, but I saw it and felt it through my peers. I want my kids to see a realistic representation of life in their school, not the bubble of privilege that their professional parents might well be able to create. For me, that means far more than getting music lessons in school and the benefit of great sporting facilities. It's learning about life, society, reality - real education, not just academia.

[SisterViktorine]

No, of course if your DC is going to be an Olympian in a non-mainstream sport or play in the National Youth Orchestra you will have to take them to lots of out of school stuff yourself eventually. However, the chance to be involved in lots of different things as part of the package prior to that sort of specialisation is handy- and allows for more mooching/ family time/ help with homework time- all these things people are saying only come with state schools.

[SisterViktorine]

inlove I have already said that the lack of diversity is a negative.

[SisterViktorine]

Although DH has taught kids with parents in prison- tends to be the mafia boss end of the market.

[inlovewithhubby]

It's a reality for lots of children that a parent is in prison, it's an education in itself to be exposed to this and other real life things such as poverty, neglect, need. You don't learn much from being exposed to the same identiket 4x4 driving, aspirational, competitive private school parent - there are admittedly a few of those in state schools too but much more diluted by normal people who don't need 4 wheel drive to get about in a flat country with little adverse weather.

[heateallthebuns]

Ha! There were kids of drug dealers I knew of at my private school and at dh's school there were kids whose parents went to prison for drug dealing and gun smuggling all with lots of cash to pay for private. Plus there were some boarders from South America who had armed body guards at the back of the class.

Plus eating disorders, party drugs, too much of a focus on designer labels etc can be a problem with some private schools.

But expectations can be raised if everyone is expected to go to uni. And less bad behaviour in class?

I guess you know the particular schools in your own area so you know best!

[Ramanama]

I think that if you are not sure then start them off at the state schools. You can move them at any point in their education into private schools, even just for 6th form. I always think you have to be flexible as kids are all different. My son is not academic but is doing really well at all the other stuff that he gets more of at private school i.e. sport, music, public speaking, languages, drama.
Clever, academic kids will get good results whichever school they go to.

[minifingerz]

"They may perform a little bit better than your average state schools"

You'd expect a 'bit' better outcome given:

• they spend at least twice as much per head as your average state school
• they ruthlessly exclude 100% of children who are both poor AND low achieving who constitute the most challenging to educate group in the UK.

[gandalf456]

You are talking of children only of primary age. Trust me, a school day is short. You will not get bored and you will most definitely fill your days with household chores and the perpetual school admin that seems to go on. Plus, this is when you can have your hair, eye, doctor, dentist appointments, shop for clothes and other things in peace and dye your hair, if you wish.

I work but it's shifts and fits in around the school. I never seem to have enough time for the things I need to do. I simply could not manage a full time role, which I would need if my children were to go private. I would totally be a SAHM if money allowed it and certainly would not work to pay school fees if I didn't otherwise have to.

The parents I do know who've opted for private education are working themselves into the ground and stressed out to the point of making themselves ill. Some children are doing well but I reckon others are doing the same as they would in the state sector. The ones I know who have children who are not so bright are still that way in their private schools.

And, in principle, I don't agree with it but I know that's not the point of your post and I do understand why people go for the private sector - the facilities are better because they have more money and the class sizes are smaller.

Someone further up said your child would have a 'better standard of friends' and this sums up the reasons for my disagreement - especially when they went on to talk about knowing doctors, solicitors etc. Unfortunately, mine don't really meet that 'better' standard as my DH and I do not have high flying jobs and we are OK with that. And I would not want my children to feel they have failed if they did not go to university or have a career (or felt it weren't for them) though I would totally support and encourage that if it were what they wanted or they showed signs of being able to achieve that. I just don't like the elitism associated with it and if a relative of mine were banging on about it, I'd be on my soap box like a shot. .

[SisterViktorine]

You wouldn't make choices for your children based on whether or not it gave you time to dye your hair though, right?

[gandalf456]

Sigh. I knew someone would pick that one up. It's just one example in a long list of some of the things you have or want to do rather than rush in the evening or weekend when you have children needing your attention or other things to do, such as help with homework, cooking, lunches or lifts to activities.

[gillybeanz]

mini

Totally agree, if someones going to be a world class sportsperson they aren't going to get that just because they attend a private school, perhaps more opportunity but some areas have good outreach facilities, to find diverse talent, not nearly enough though.
Tbh though I've found the best extra curricular teachers and coaches don't teach in schools but privately.
The teachers in private schools usually run lessons outside school too.

[gandalf456]

The point is the days are very useful when the children are small even if they are at school. When they come home, they are very needy because they're tired, hungry and have been away from you all day. You really don't have time to do anything when they get home.

[MoonStar07]

At DC's primary school are many doctors lawyers and accountants! None of them can afford private school ! Crazy it's prohibitive for these careers. Often though like us they are 1 income families

[SisterViktorine]

When they come home, they are very needy because they're tired, hungry and have been away from you all day. You really don't have time to do anything when they get home.

I completely agree with this. But it is at odds with the idea that you can turn them around and cart them out to an activity every night.

[gandalf456]

Mine are past that stage. I'm thinking about 5 or 6 for this. The activities tend to come a bit later- 7/8 onwards for mine but it varies. Again, it's just a couple of examples but put in a somewhat convoluted way. Sorry. I am tired tonight.

[Dozer]

Setting aside the state/private education issue, is your H actually OK with being the sole breadwinner, with you taking several more years out (thus reducing chances of well paid WoH on returning to work)?

If he isn't, and he will do his fair share of childcare if you WoH, then YABU for SAH.

WoH doesn't automatically mean "working your arse off".

[Dozer]

Also, you say you think you could get WoH around school hours? Those sort of opportunities are valuable IMO to keep your options open in various ways, not just with respect to DCs' education.