AIBU to not want to work my arse off to educate my kids privately

[MoonStar07]

Basically ALL our family DH's and my are educating their kids privately. All paid by the DHs of the family who are sole earners but big earners. Think partners in top firms and consultants. We're not my husband has a good job but is mid career. I doubt by the time our first DC is 7 we can afford private school. I'm a SAHM me and DH got lucky and bought in a very good area during the last recession. We have 3 outstanding primary schools and an outstanding Secondary Acadamy. think it's 80% A-C at GCSE. Now I've been 'told' by a close family member that it's probably worth me putting both my kids in full time childcare and going back to work. Yes I earned a good whack and if I went back we could pay private school fees. Just to pay school fees. I worry my kids will miss out they literally will be the only ones NoT private school educated in our whole family. But we can't afford it unless I work and well I don't see the point we've got bloody good schools! In a bloody good area! Am I AIBU not wanting to go back to work? Should I work to pay the fees? Arghh it's sending me mad.

[ethelb]

If you have good schools locally send them there and use any spare cash for extra curriculars and teaching. Save any money for consideration for use for a private sixth form, where it really matters, or opening up their options at University.

[TheProblemOfSusan]

I was privately educated in a good school that was relatively OK at the pastoral support,, and thrived there. But the pressure I was put under has come out in later life in some really unhealthy ways. It's not an issue for us because we can't afford private school but if I could I'm still pretty sure I wouldn't. That confidence that everyone talks about comes at a pretty hefty price - and it can turn some people into real arseholes.

That said there were some aspects of it that I really valued and I think the smaller classes and more detailed attention were positive. And the facilities were really great, notwithstanding the time someone crashed a car into the swimming pool...

[fabulousathome]

State School with a tutor for the odd subject that they find a bit tricky is useful as they get older.

[Firsttimer82]

That confidence that everyone talks about comes at a pretty hefty price

Good point, half off the girls at my school had eating disorders. I was one and it was just normal...

[Believeitornot]

I'm not sure op. Your arguments seems hollow to me. You've got decent schools so why are you even wasting energy posting this?
Are you thinking more broadly about whether being a SAHM is wise? If you're happy with that choice then so be it.

But I wouldn't be so sure you'd walk into a job after many years out. So think carefully. But if you're happy and you think your children will have the best state opportunities then stay as you are.

Fwiw, I work as does dh. We could afford private. But we could also get by on one salary. However I don't want to give work up as want the DCs to have the extras like sport, music etc. State schools don't seem to quite offer enough of that.

[SlightlyperturbedOwl]

We aren't in that position, but if we were able to choose I would do it on the basis of the actual school and the child, no matter whether it were state or private. I believe that different schools suit different kids regardless of them being state or private. In many ways you might be better off saving to pay for a less stressful passage through university as part-time work has a majorly negative effect for students on some high-standard degree courses.

[EllsTeeth]

You need to be 100% comfortable that the school you choose is the best fit for your child and not a compromise. And it needs to be a choice based on the individual schools and child, not a blanket choice because of sector. Some state schools may be better than some private schools and vice versa. We live near some good state schools and a very very good private prep. There was no option for us as I would've felt like it was a compromise to send ours to the state. I work part time to pay the fees (that's not the only reason I work but the money I earn will cover the fees). We removed money from the equation to make our choice and the choice was obvious. As such we made it happen. I have friends who have chosen the state sector in other areas and are very happy with it. All will opt for private at senior level if they can afford it though, unless their kids get into a super selective grammar. DH and I both went to v academic public school and loved it and wanted to give our DC the same options.

[MoonStar07]

MIL. I get approached 3 years later on LinkedIn for jobs at my level. My LinkedIn states I'm a SAHM. A competitor of mine keeps in contact with me as does an old colleague that has moved company and is always telling me about a great job working with her! So I know I could walk back into the job I did. I guess the bottom line is we need to look at the schools. If the prep school would suit them better then A I go back to work or B I don't and see what things are like at senior level. From 11+. We have two excellent Grammar schools but single sex. That's another AIBU I think! Not sure how I feel about that!

[HellsBellsnBucketsofBlood]

If we had local state schools that were any good, I wouldn't hesitate to send my kids there. I could then save my money for top up activities, travel and the like. I might even be able to take the lower paying job I actually want.

Sadly, our state provision is Crap. So instead I'm looking down the barrel of spending about half a million on fees for two over the next 15 years...

[Pooka]

All the other members of Dh'S family have sent their kids to private school. I went to state school, he went to public school. My parents were privately educated but both left leaning.

Anyway - I have a degree and am better qualified than dh. My Dcs go to fab state schools. The younger 2 are at an ofsted good primary and dd is now at an outstanding state comprehensive. We are fortunate to live where we do because the schools are generally very good.

My mil offered to pay for dd (and younger 2) to go the local private schools for prep and half fees for secondary independents. She has always bought into the idea that private=better and was somewhat perplexed that we didn't take up the offer. We could have just about afforded it on our own. The other grandchildren are all/were all privately educated. They've done well. But I think that my Dcs are doing well, and will have a good education in a state setting. I felt uncomfortable with the idea of paying for a school that would not necessarily offer a better education, where the only differentiation would be in the paying power of the parents.

We are very happy with our decision.

[JellyBelli]

Go back to work PT and put the money into a Uni fund. and donmt feel so pressured by other people.

[GinandJag]

I will say that nothing has convicted me more to sending our five children to independent schools than doing a couple of stints in outstanding state schools.

There is no comparison.

[Believeitornot]

I'd still be careful. In several years time, skills will move on and you may not find it so easy. But that's just my view.

I think you like being a SAHM and are justifying it out loud. Who cares about your choice? If you're happy then fine. But if a tiny bit of you is doubtful then maybe you should try and go back to work part time and you can always go back to being a SAHM again.

[Madinche1sea]

I think the issue of private v state school is a red herring quite often. It's about the individual school and whether it fits YOUR individual child. Some private schools are a waste of space. You have to go and visit the schools to try and get a feel for whether you feel your DC would thrive in that environment. Things like pastoral care (and not just a written policy - how is this actually implemented) are perhaps more vital than anything else. What kind of peer group are they likely to have - how local will friends be?

Also look at the "value added" scores of an individual school, rather than just the GCSE results - eg. some top independent day schools may well achieve 98% A-A* grades at GCSE, but that's because they only select children who would probably have got very similar grades at any adequate school.

I say this as someone who lives in Central London with 4 DC in the private sector, the elder 2 in selective senior day schools (but I think London is s bit of a parallel universe tbh)! If we lived in a less pressurised environment with good state schools, I doubt we would have bought into the 7 plus /11 plus hysteria that exists round here

I've been a SAHM too and it can have its benefits re-homework support, etc, but then I have 4 DC. In fact, I think the parental support counts for more than the actual school, as long as it's not a failing school.

Every area has its own issues and idiosyncrasies around schooling, but as your children get older, you will negotiate what's best for them, I'm sure. If you could work during school hours that may be ideal.

[MoonStar07]

I think I could get something around school hours. We live in a provincial area which is very much like London when it comes to State vs Private. It's hard to explain. It's like a Stepford wives bubble.

[minifingerz]

Just say - my kids are bright enough and well supported enough not to need a special unfair leg-up to succeed.

Then instil a ferocious work ethic in your kids and encourage them to study their little arses off. Hopefully this will result in 10 years time with you laughing like a drain when they get better GCSE results than their privately educated cousins.

[inlovewithhubby]

I disagree with private schooling politically, so we choose not to privately educate ours, but it's a truth universally acknowledged that parents and their overall involvement have a bigger influence on educational achievement than type of schooling. If you are there for the before and after school stuff, you can add far more value to them educationally, by helping them with homework, taking them to extra curricular (non educational but still really good for development!) stuff, and providing a stimulating, interesting and interested environment instead of them being in (a no doubt very good) after school club at their private school. After school clubs are great, and I use them myself, but no one can deny that a stay at home parent is the best possible care if there is a choice. Mummy is better than granny is better than nanny is better than childcare, but for the older child. Not everyone can do it, of course, but its value should not be underestimated.

My non privately educated sister and I got straight As. We had very little money and did no additional after school activities. We were capable and had interested but not over involved parents, who left school work, homework and exams entirely to us. However, they provided a rich, discursive environment for discussion, challenge and thought, in every day life, for the first 18 years of life, which is far more important for overall achievement than how much your parents earn (and therefore whether they can afford to throw some money at it).

If you have outstanding schools near you you are very lucky and should grab the opportunity. Stand your ground. I like someone's ' we don't need to pay for schooling because the schools here are so good!'. That should shut them up.

[minifingerz]

"It's about the individual school and whether it fits YOUR individual child"

Yes, all the m/c parents with a bit of dosh round our way find that expensive private schools are just more suitable for their clever children than the outstanding comp down the road which is full of poor kids and new immigrants.

[StealthPolarBear]

Where does daddy fit into that list though?

[inlovewithhubby]

Sorry, parent is better than grandparent is better than nanny is better than childcare. Quite right to pull that one up.

And I say that as someone who used all of these EXCEPT grandparent, who understandably said fuck off, I'm enjoying my retirement! I bloody love her for that. But there's no doubt that a stay at home parent is better than all of the alternatives, and adds a massive amount of overall value - stick that in your pipe privately educated cousins. Maybe they are mildly jealous at your position OP?

[heateallthebuns]

I went to a private school, good uni, good job. So did dh and a lot of our friends. We now live in an area with v good schools. Dc will go to a state school definitely for primary, we haven't decided on secondary yet.

But as other posters have noted there are great benefits from a local state school - network and community, more money for holidays where kids can have great experiences and learn new skills, more money for extra curricular activities, more family time and help with homework from you if you're a sahm.

I don't know if I'm that bothered to send them to private at all.

There's plenty of people who I know who went to private school who did not get good results or jobs. Most of our friends from school aren't sending their kids to private schools either.

[Madinche1sea]

Oh god - I think I know what you're talking about .

Fwiw - my DH and his his family all presumed that my 2 DS' would obviously be going to the school DH and his brothers went to. I said something along the lines of "over my dead body" because it was a boarding school and I was having none of it, regardless off what any of them thought. I'm from the middle of nowhere in Spain and I managed OK, coming from a school that only had 25 pupils and holes in the roof!

[SisterViktorine]

I will say that nothing has convicted me more to sending our five children to independent schools than doing a couple of stints in outstanding state schools.

There is no comparison

^This. DH is a deputy head at a public school, DSs goes to a prep and I teach in state primary. It is a no brainer for us in our experience. It's got nothing to do with the academic side of things though. Do all the people saying 'pay for extra-curriculars' really want to be out at a club or activity every night after school? What happens if different DC want to be at different activities every night?

[greathat]

You being available to your kids is more important than working all hours to send them to private school IMO. Especially as I know a lot of private school are basically rather shit. Just coz you pay more for it doesn't make it better

[inlovewithhubby]

We do something after school most nights. Not my instigation, children saying they wanted to do stuff/try stuff and not wanting to give anything up. Luckily we can afford it. And I am self emp so I mostly do the wrap around care after school myself and can be the ferry. But this is not unusual these days, lots of kids I know do loads of extra curricular stuff.