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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to say no to this bbq

142 replies

MrsSparkles · 23/08/2016 07:16

DH friend invited us round for a bbq on Sat. I really don't fancy it as 1.they live 1 1/2 hours away 2. We have a 5 year old and 3 month old and they live in a tiny flat. Only outside space will be used for bbq so nowhere for the 5 year old to play. I don't think it's fairly to drag her all that way for something she won't enjoy?

Plus DH will be busy chatting with friend (otherwise what's the point in going) leaving me to entertain both children?

OP posts:
TaraCarter · 23/08/2016 09:50

MrsDeVere Shock Grin

That OP's phone/laptop/PC would overheat and catch fire, with the heat of the flaming!

SuburbanRhonda · 23/08/2016 09:52

Surely, as you are not the one invited, you don't need to visualise it?

In order to comment on how hard or easy it would be to entertain two small children in that space, yes I do need to visualise it.

Hmm
DoreenLethal · 23/08/2016 09:57

In order to comment on how hard or easy it would be to entertain two small children in that space, yes I do need to visualise it.

OP - you'd best get on that train today in order to go take photos for Rhonda before she can comment.

Or - Rhonda - you could just accept that there is no outdoors space, due to it being used for the BBQ as detailed in the OP.

LifeInJeneral · 23/08/2016 09:57

Well OP as you say it's a last minute thing and you only feel.you should go because DP wants to.spend family time then I wouldn't go either. He can either spend family time doing something the whole family wants to do today or he can go to the bbq alone and do something as a family tomorrow. He is the one being awkward, not you. As it's not a plan you have all made together and had for a while then I don't think you should feel any obligation to go

YouTheCat · 23/08/2016 10:12

Sounds crap and tedious.

If it was a trip to theirs and then a nice picnic in a park, so at least the 5 year old could have a run about, that'd be different.

Tell your dh to go and enjoy himself.

myownprivateidaho · 23/08/2016 10:22

Yeah sorry, I think YABU on this one. I don't get why the 5 year old can't be occupied with toys/games/jigsaw/colouring in the same way they would be at home. If you're the only ones there I would presume the other adults would be talking to you as well as your DP. Obviously your DP should take 50% of the responsibility for looking after the kids when you're both there. But it doesn't really get more family friendly than a daytime bbq and I can understand that your DP would like to continue his social life (don't think it's healthy for you not to either).

MrsDeVere · 23/08/2016 10:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SuburbanRhonda · 23/08/2016 10:27

Or doreen, you could accept that people have a different view about what information they need to comment on the post.

Seems unlikely you would though.

myownprivateidaho · 23/08/2016 10:30

Well, yeah, if the DP won't be a parent to his children then that's a problem. A bigger problem than the barbecue. But a likelier solution to this is not to have a separation between "parents doing stuff they want" from "parents looking after children." A situation where social stuff is done as a family with both parents taking responsibility for the DCs seems better than a situation where the DF gets to pursue his own social life on his own while the DM is left at home looking after the children.

LifeInJeneral · 23/08/2016 10:34

If it was around the corner then I wouldn't see the problem.either but going on a 3 hour round trip on trains is such a faff and the only person who really wants to go is the DH. It would.be much fairer to find something local that they will all enjoy and the DH see his friends for an evening event or on another occasion when the childless couple can do the travelling

differentnameforthis · 23/08/2016 11:07

This attitude really winds me up, your house isn't good enough for my children so we just won't visit. That is SO not what the op is saying...I think you may be projecting here, you have admitted that your friends "do this" to you.

OP is absolutely entitled to say no. Almost 2hrs on a train with a 5yr old, a three month old and a dh who thinks raising kids is "woman work" I'd be fucking dreading it too.

FrancisCrawford · 23/08/2016 11:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TaraCarter · 23/08/2016 11:13

The OP seems a sensible sort, so I expect that if they did go, she'd reserve seats with a table so the five year old could do colouring and jigsaws both ways.

Then, when she got on at least one of the trains, she'd find they'd been put in the quiet carriage and she'd have an hour and half of intense stress trying to get the five year old to whisper and stop the three-month old making a peep of sound.

After all that, there would be a thread in AIBU demanding to ask why babies and children ended up in the quiet carriage, and I and other MNers could spend the rest of the weekend explaining that you can request the quiet carriage on your online bookings, but you can't request "a table/x number of seats on any carriage except the quiet carriage".

I think the OP should send her husband off on his own.

MrsCampbellBlack · 23/08/2016 11:18

I am totally with Mrs DeVere on this.

Just decline - it is a bbq in a tiny flat on a bank holiday weekend. I really am trying to see how it would be fun for you or your children.

MrsCampbellBlack · 23/08/2016 11:21

And the trains will most likely be a nightmare on the bank holiday [doom doom and some gloom] Wink

Just stay at home and enjoy the nice weather in your garden.

And honestly in my pre-children days - I would never have thought that a bbq in a tiny flat was a fun day out for friends who had small children.

TaraCarter · 23/08/2016 11:23

And the prices of the tickets! Five-year-olds aren't free, are they?

neolara · 23/08/2016 11:34

I wouldn't go. It really doesn't sound like it will be enjoyable for anyone other than your dh, and possibly not even him when he has to deal with the practicalities.

I would politely decline but try to arrange something more convenient where you can all meet up.

Presumably the invitees are asking you to a bbq because they want you to have a nice time.

SpookyPotato · 23/08/2016 12:26

I wouldn't go (not because of the flat, I live in a one bed with nearly 2 children) just because it sounds like too much faff. Thankfully DP would be saying No before me! There are plenty of ways for kids to learn to cope/be patient/sit still, we don't have to put ourselves through arduous things so we can benefit from the 'life lessons'.

EddieStobbart · 23/08/2016 12:29

Sounds shit, if your DH won't do his share then fuck that for a game of soldiers.

If you do decide to go though I wouldn't be bothering with jigsaws and colouring. Tablet with films and new apps downloaded plus pair of headphones. At least she won't be bored and need to you to join. It's not parent of the century but it's practical.

rumbelina · 23/08/2016 12:51

Six hours of colouring and jigsaws? Yeah right.

Laiste · 23/08/2016 13:11

exactly.

See, it's not about A Flat Is Unsuitable For Children, it's the combination of small flat plus the fact that none of the 5 year old's usual stuff is there and it wont be geared up for her to roam free like at home.

(When we visit my mum with DD (2) we have to stay in one room as her house is very big and un-child friendly. She has a few toys, we take a few toys, and it's quite a big room, but it's not like being at home. 2 hours is about max with the toys, colouring, a bit of tickling and watching a film, before the hard core 'entertain DD to keep her happy' gets underway.It's hard to be social)

thepenguinsrock · 23/08/2016 13:23

I agree with you completely on this.
TBF that sounds incredibly boring for a 5 year old. I frequently miss things like this as I'd rather me miss doing something than drag my kids to places I know they will hate. Unless it's important like a family wedding or similar.

DixieNormas · 23/08/2016 13:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

badg3r · 23/08/2016 13:50

MrsDeVere pretty much sums up my thinking. You saw them a few weeks ago anyway. Are they really such good pals that you need to see them every few weekends?

EveOnline2016 · 23/08/2016 14:03

My DC still wasn't sleeping though the night at 3 months old. So a tired mother of 2 young children on public transport for a low key bbq is my idea of hell.

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