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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to say no to this bbq

142 replies

MrsSparkles · 23/08/2016 07:16

DH friend invited us round for a bbq on Sat. I really don't fancy it as 1.they live 1 1/2 hours away 2. We have a 5 year old and 3 month old and they live in a tiny flat. Only outside space will be used for bbq so nowhere for the 5 year old to play. I don't think it's fairly to drag her all that way for something she won't enjoy?

Plus DH will be busy chatting with friend (otherwise what's the point in going) leaving me to entertain both children?

OP posts:
MrsDeVere · 23/08/2016 09:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LifeInJeneral · 23/08/2016 09:09

Was it a last minute thing or has it been the plan for a while? Just because it obviously sounds like you don't want to go but if it's been planned for a while then they will have bought all the food and drink in especially for this and will probably have had a good tidy up etc and be looking forward to it. Would be a bit unfair to then cancel last minute if you have had time.to cancel with some notice. If that's the case I think you should definitely suck it up and go (I really hate it when people do this to me).
If it was a last minute suggestion you may have a bit more wiggle room.

KingLooieCatz · 23/08/2016 09:09

I do have some sympathy, but I can't help wanting to comment on the perceived impossibility of a child spending an afternoon in a flat. Millions of children live in flats full time, DS is one of them, and not because we're on our uppers. The set up of the home and the attitude of the people in it is more relevant to how much hard work the afternoon will be.

How about suggesting your DH is responsible for taking one or both children out for at least 30 minutes at some point? The hosts might be able to suggest a local play park or pleasant walk. You might even find everyone wants to go along.

Goingtobeawesome · 23/08/2016 09:12

She's five and he's only got better at playing with her in the last three months? Sad

DoreenLethal · 23/08/2016 09:13

I'm confused about this.

They live in a flat and don't have a garden - so where are they going to set up the BBQ?

Don't be confused. Simply read the opening post.

It states 'Only outside space will be used for bbq so nowhere for the 5 year old to play'.

OliviaBenson · 23/08/2016 09:13

Why is it not child friendly MrsDeVere? Nothing which has been said indicates that it's not child friendly. Do you mean just because it's a flat?

Many children live in flats, or houses with no gardens. That doesn't mean it's not child friendly. It's just an assumption.

MrsDeVere · 23/08/2016 09:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OliviaBenson · 23/08/2016 09:15

Or should the friends move house to enable any friends with children to visit? What should they do?

This attitude really winds me up, your house isn't good enough for my children so we just won't visit.

Ridiculous!

MrsDeVere · 23/08/2016 09:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SuburbanRhonda · 23/08/2016 09:19

Don't be confused. Simply read the opening post.

Where it says "the only outside space will be used for the bbq".

Ignoring how snippy your post was, doreen, this sentence doesn't explain where this outside space is, how big is it, whether it's part of a shared garden or a balcony, or whether it's on the pavement outside. I just can't visualise it.

OliviaBenson · 23/08/2016 09:19

I agree with you there, as I said, the problem is DH. Everything else seems to be an excuse.

Original poster
MrsSparkles · 23/08/2016 09:19

Just to clarify no problem with childless friends or flats (we have plenty of friends with both who we see). It's that plus the travel, plus the potential DH issue that puts me off.

It was fairly last minute, they texted yesterday to ask. If they were within an hours drive I wouldn't hesitate to go. It feels that little bit too far. But I will have a think today!

OP posts:
DoreenLethal · 23/08/2016 09:19

Ignoring how snippy your post was, doreen, this sentence doesn't explain where this outside space is, how big is it, whether it's part of a shared garden or a balcony, or whether it's on the pavement outside. I just can't visualise it.

Surely, as you are not the one invited, you don't need to visualise it?

MrsDeVere · 23/08/2016 09:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
MrsSparkles · 23/08/2016 09:20

It's a small balcony, room for a table and bbq.

OP posts:
tofutti · 23/08/2016 09:22

I think lots of people are ignoring the point that it's OP who would be taking care of the kids while her DP would be having fun socialising.

It's OP's DP who is rude, not OP.

MrsDeVere · 23/08/2016 09:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TaraCarter · 23/08/2016 09:32

I lived much of my own childhood and my children's childhoods in flats... And I agree with MrsDeVere.

Bringing up children in a flat is a different kettle of fish to spending a very long journey to visit another household without a garden. Especially a presently childfree household; there was a clear difference between my toy strewn home and friends' homes with their small, attractive and fragile nick-nacks at toddler height! Grin If there was a garden and it was a nice day, I sent the offspring into the garden to fiddle with soil instead.

I have also taken young children on many hour plus journeys on public transport. Not a three-month-old though, and always for something that they would find stimulating and tiring before the journey back.

Cornishclio · 23/08/2016 09:32

I think lots of people are ignoring the point that it's OP who would be taking care of the kids while her DP would be having fun socialising.

Surely then this should be a thread about the DP not pulling his weight with childcare and not about the invite at all? Would the OP go if her DH was not so useless at helping with the kids. In which case the problem is much more serious than just a BBQ invite.

Laiste · 23/08/2016 09:36

I'm with you MrsD. I feel like i've dropped into another place and time reading this.

The OP has a 3 month old baby. She doesn't fancy doing a 3 hour round trip by train with the baby plus a 5 year old to go to a bbq where she knows there is no where much for the 5 year old to play. The DH has form for not stepping up with his half of the child care on occasions like this (whole other thread OP) and she feels it might be a bit of a shit day for at least her and her eldest. She's perfectly willing to stay home with the kids while DH goes over to see his mate.

WHy the bloody hell should this be turned into a lesson in life for a 5 year old or make her 'incredibly rude'? Confused

Original poster
MrsSparkles · 23/08/2016 09:42

Genuine question. If you go to visit childless friends with children how much socialising do you actually get to do?

Does DH step up? It's an ongoing discussion, he does but possibly not as much as I think he should. We have quite differing parenting styles which makes it challenging but we're getting there.

OP posts:
MrsDeVere · 23/08/2016 09:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TaraCarter · 23/08/2016 09:47

These days, (early primary age) it's shared. In fact, the kids prefer to be entertained by dad on trips out. It wasn't always this way, back when I was breastfeeding and seemed to get stuck with all childcare, but we gradually achieved a balance during the learning curve of toddlerdom.

maddiemookins16mum · 23/08/2016 09:49

I'd go....(but only if it was a max 20 minute car ride away and only had the baby who I could pass round to everyone who wanted to hold her). It all seems a but like hard work as it stands at oresent (flat or no flat).

maddiemookins16mum · 23/08/2016 09:50

Plus I'd miss Casualty probably.