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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

WIBU to say no to this bbq

142 replies

MrsSparkles · 23/08/2016 07:16

DH friend invited us round for a bbq on Sat. I really don't fancy it as 1.they live 1 1/2 hours away 2. We have a 5 year old and 3 month old and they live in a tiny flat. Only outside space will be used for bbq so nowhere for the 5 year old to play. I don't think it's fairly to drag her all that way for something she won't enjoy?

Plus DH will be busy chatting with friend (otherwise what's the point in going) leaving me to entertain both children?

OP posts:

Cornishclio · 23/08/2016 08:30

There are an awful lot of selfish lazy people on this thread.

Your children need to learn they can't always have things revolve around them although to be honest it sounds like you are the problem here not your children. If you can't do a simple thing like this for your DH especially after his friends came to you. How would you have felt if they had refused your BBq invite for such a trivial reason.

JacquettaWoodville · 23/08/2016 08:30

It's not incredibly rude not to go - an invite is not a summons!

"We can't make it that day but shall we meet at X (national trust property or something) another day"

Sounds like your DH hasn't accepted he's not living the single London life any more and that he will see less of friends now he has kids (note: less of, not none of, as you had this couple over recently)

DH could take your DD and you stay home with baby?

JacquettaWoodville · 23/08/2016 08:32

"How would you have felt if they had refused your BBq invite for such a trivial reason."

I'd be perfectly fine with, "aargh, sorry, it's a long day for the kids with 3 hours on the train, can we sort something else out another time?"

Wouldn't you?

Advicepls7080 · 23/08/2016 08:32

If her DH took DD that would be daft wouldn't it considering one of the excuses is her 5yo will have nowhere to play?

clarehhh · 23/08/2016 08:33

Agree five year olds need to learn not everything revolves around them.Perhaps suggest a quick walk to park or even round the block after you have eaten.Take toys, maybe even stock up on new from a charity shop they are full of great ones at the moment as everyone has summer clear out.

JacquettaWoodville · 23/08/2016 08:34

I would be curious to see if DH was so keen to go if he had responsibility for entertaining one or both kids.

Cornishclio · 23/08/2016 08:35

I'd be perfectly fine with, "aargh, sorry, it's a long day for the kids with 3 hours on the train, can we sort something else out another time?"

We have done 3-5 hour trips with our kids when they were small to visit friends and family otherwise we wouldn't have seen them as we moved away from London. Not a problem and the kids enjoyed it

TheCrowFromBelow · 23/08/2016 08:36

First off, tell DH that if he wants go to these things as a family he has to step up and parent whilst he's there, so no getting on the beers, chatting away and leaving you to it all.
to be honest though, I think if these were your friends you'd feel differently and that actually you just don't want to go. Which is fine!

LineyReborn · 23/08/2016 08:36

It doesn't sound like the friends in the tiny flat in London have children, though, so it'd be much easier for them to travel. So it's not a straight reciprocal arrangement in terms of effort, especially for the OP whose husband still thinks he's quite the bachelor boy.

Trifleorbust · 23/08/2016 08:37

I agree that he should have responsibility for at least one child if he wants the OP to go.

foursillybeans · 23/08/2016 08:38

Can't you just go for the bbq and go to a park for some of the time as well? Or just say no to the bbq but suggest meet somewhere in between your houses for lunch that your DC will like?

MrsDeVere · 23/08/2016 08:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

MrsSparkles · 23/08/2016 08:40

Nope no children. He would expect dd to entertain herself the whole time, and would probably tell her to go and play if she came to ask him to play with her. When she'd come running to me as I accept she'll play on her own for a bit but not endlessly.

Which is why I prefer to visit friends with children. We were at a bbq on Sunday and didn't see her for 3 hours as she was off playing with her friends.

OP posts:

LineyReborn · 23/08/2016 08:40

If the five year old has had a boring summer since the baby arrived, it doesn't sound like he does much towards family life tbh.

JacquettaWoodville · 23/08/2016 08:40

That wasn't what I asked, Cornish. I asked would you be offended if someone with two kids had said that to you when you have none.

Yy Liney.

The thing with not taking the baby is it means no nappy changes on a train, no worrying about naps etc - it does reduce the "work"

Original poster

MrsSparkles · 23/08/2016 08:41

Although to be fair he has been better at playing with her since we had dd2.

OP posts:

SaucyJack · 23/08/2016 08:45

Your DD will cope. Who knows?- she may even enjoy a change of scenery if she hasn't been out much recently.

But it's pretty clear from this " I end up having a crap time while he carries on as if we don't have any children." that your DD isn't the problem anyway.

Don't go if you don't want to play default parent while he gets to sit on his bum and parade his mighty testicular function in front of his mates. Sod him.

Crunchymum · 23/08/2016 08:46

Life is too short to attend events you really don't want to.

I'm surprised how many posters are saying to just go along. If you don't want to go then you don't want to go and you'll probably have a shit time.

Tell your partner to go alone or none of you go?

Julius02 · 23/08/2016 08:47

I think you should go; it seems sad to me that you wouldn't visit someone just because they lived in a flat. There are small children in my family who live in a tiny flat because they have no choice and they are able to amuse themselves (although of course they go out regularly). You could always take the children out to a park for a little while and take some toys and books with you for the 5 year old.

It seems to me that you don't want to go, and that's fine, but I don't think you should use your children as an excuse. I also think it's really important to make time for friends on both sides of the relationship - it's only one day after all.....

juneau · 23/08/2016 08:52

I wouldn't go. If no one else has DC, your DH sees this bloke every couple of weeks, you have a new baby, and the BBQ is a train ride away to sit in a poky flat why would you even consider it? Just say no.

SuburbanRhonda · 23/08/2016 08:53

I'm confused about this.

They live in a flat and don't have a garden - so where are they going to set up the BBQ?

And agree with PP that if you don't want to go - and you clearly don't - stay at home. Your hosts will probably pick up that you don't want to be there.

OliviaBenson · 23/08/2016 08:54

This thread makes me sad. We are a child free couple, and some of our friends have the same attitude of the OP, and don't even give it a chance. For what it's worth, your friends might have thought of activities to do, bought a colouring book etc. that's what I do.

However, that isn't your problem op, your problem is your DP if he won't parent your kids when they are there. That is the real reason you don't want to go and I think you should tell him that.

Amelie10 · 23/08/2016 08:55

Which is why I prefer to visit friends with children

Again, not everything needs to revolve around what suits you. You really can't budge, if all your conditions are met?

katienana · 23/08/2016 09:01

Yanbu. I say this as a mum of a 3 yo and 4 month old who lives in a flat. We only have a yard which isn't suitable for playing in. We don't bbq we picnic at various locations through the summer! It sounds like a crap day, go for a nice day out instead.

Rachel0Greep · 23/08/2016 09:06

I would be curious to see if DH was so keen to go if he had responsibility for entertaining one or both kids.

This was my exact thought, when I read the OP.

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