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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think his standards are too high

101 replies

hollyonthegreendoor · 22/08/2016 16:30

Just bought a house with DH.

He's constantly moaning about cleaning and saying it's messy. I went to the beach with friends yesterday and he went mad because there was sand in the car. After eating washing up has to be done now, that second. It's annoying me and making me feel like I have to be tidying constantly. AIBU?

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 22/08/2016 16:31

If it's such a problem then maybe he should clear it up himself

YANBU

Original poster
hollyonthegreendoor · 22/08/2016 16:32

Sometimes he does but in this sort of pointed way which seems to suggest I should be doing so as well. We have a cleaner. But it's never enough.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 22/08/2016 16:33

Does he work and you stay at home? I wonder why he thinks it's your job to clear up

Passive-aggressive cleaning is def not a good look...!

acasualobserver · 22/08/2016 16:34

If he wants to clean that's up to him - it's his house too. But make it clear you're not listening to moaning.

Original poster
hollyonthegreendoor · 22/08/2016 16:37

He has a high pressure job so he feels I should take the lion's share of the cleaning and he gets angry if I don't.

OP posts:
Original poster
hollyonthegreendoor · 22/08/2016 16:38

He has a high pressure job so he feels I should take the lion's share of the cleaning and he gets angry if I don't.

OP posts:
LyndaNotLinda · 22/08/2016 16:38

Do you work full time too?

cupcakesarah · 22/08/2016 16:39

But do you both work full time? If you do, then all the household chores should be split equally

DisneyMillie · 22/08/2016 16:39

My DP is the same. I can't remember the last time he lifted a finger to cook, clean or do laundry. It drives me insane!! (Especially since I now have an ultra clingy, sling hating baby who won't sleep anywhere except on me so I can't get anything done 😡)

SaskiaRembrandtWasFramed · 22/08/2016 16:40

If he finds his job so stressful maybe he should look for a less pressured role.

Stormtreader · 22/08/2016 16:41

Its not your job to be the release valve for the pressure of his job. Has he been like this for your whole relationship?

Shoxfordian · 22/08/2016 16:41

Do you have a job as well?

Maybe you could ask the cleaner to come more often?

He sounds really unreasonable and it's not OK to pressure you to do more cleaning & be angry if you don't- controlling/manipulative behaviour

Trifleorbust · 22/08/2016 16:42

Tell him to clean immediately himself if it bothers him, later if he can bear to wait. Don't tolerate him raging at you about cleaning as if you are his unpaid domestic slave. Confused

Original poster
hollyonthegreendoor · 22/08/2016 16:43

I work full time but am currently pregnant and feeling very sick!

OP posts:
Trifleorbust · 22/08/2016 16:49

He is bullying you to clean up after him when you're pregnant and working in a full-time job? Has he any idea how unreasonable and nasty that is?

Pineappletastic · 22/08/2016 16:50

If leaving washing up annoys him he needs to wash up, or get a dishwasher. I'm all for a fair split of chores, taking into account relative hours of work outside the home and childcare responsibilities, but if one person has very high standards I do feel that it's their own prerogative to meet them, above and beyond the 'normal' level of clean/tidy. I usually stack/unstack the dishwasher because things being in the sink/on the side bugs me and not OH, and because I'm a bit funny about where things go in the cupboards.
Sand in the car I'm on the fence about, we have a car each and he keeps his clean, tidy, and regularly valeted, mine is not as well kept (to the point where he has been known to tidy it for me if we have to use it together), if I messed up his car I'd probably apologise, maybe even get it cleaned it I knew it was something that really would annoy him.
But if it's a shared car and he's just being OTT about some sand I'd point him in the direction of the hoover.

Original poster
hollyonthegreendoor · 22/08/2016 16:53

The problem is he doesn't see his standards as too high. It's annoying me and he says I am too messy and soon we will have a crawling baby so need to get in the habit of putting things away.

OP posts:
Squirmy65ghyg · 22/08/2016 16:53

He's hideous. He should be waiting on you hand and foot, you're sick ffs!!

Squirmy65ghyg · 22/08/2016 16:54

I bet his mess is okay though isn't it? He can leave what he wants out.

MiaowJario · 22/08/2016 16:55

You have deeper issues here- about whether you are equally important in the relationship.

Shoxfordian · 22/08/2016 16:57

Also seems like he thinks his job is more important that yours; it's not ok to be subtly or not subtly undermining your wife

Tell him to do it himself in future

NavyandWhite · 22/08/2016 16:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Trifleorbust · 22/08/2016 16:58

I think you are focused on the red herring here - his standards. Is he actually pulling his weight at all?

pennyunwise · 22/08/2016 16:59

Didn't you know this about him before you got married?

gandalf456 · 22/08/2016 17:02

It's both your jobs to keep the house clean. The fussy one doesn't get to automatically set the standard x1000if they're not willing to do it. And you're feeling unwell so, actually, it's not your job at all.

Could it be misplaced anxiety about the new baby?

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