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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think his standards are too high

101 replies

hollyonthegreendoor · 22/08/2016 16:30

Just bought a house with DH.

He's constantly moaning about cleaning and saying it's messy. I went to the beach with friends yesterday and he went mad because there was sand in the car. After eating washing up has to be done now, that second. It's annoying me and making me feel like I have to be tidying constantly. AIBU?

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 22/08/2016 17:28

This is not good OP and does not bode at all well for the future I'm afraid

OneOfTheGrundys · 22/08/2016 17:28

More experienced than ME I mean! Blush

Original poster
hollyonthegreendoor · 22/08/2016 17:29

this is what I mean I don't want people just saying leave him as I can't. But I do need help making the relationship better :)

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 22/08/2016 17:31

OP he "goes mad" about minor 'infringements'. He "gets angry" if you disagree with him. He sees your job as less important than his. He sees your time as less valuable than his. He pressurises you to comply with his wishes.

He is nasty. He is not lovely.

All abusive arseholes are lovely sometimes. That's how they reel you in and keep you there.

Original poster
hollyonthegreendoor · 22/08/2016 17:34

i'm having his baby in march.

OP posts:
pictish · 22/08/2016 17:34

Well you could tell him you have got his number and that he is being an overbearing, self important arse. You could tell him that you're not going to go along with his housekeeping demands like his chief skivvy and that for him to insist on your obedience makes him a controlling and abusive husband.

How do you think he'd like them apples?

pictish · 22/08/2016 17:36

Letting you sleep when you're pregnant and knackered isn't lovely - it's just normal. He doesn't need to be praised for not being a dick.

Atenco · 22/08/2016 17:37

Well, he should be being extra nice and tolerant of you now that you are pregnant, OP. It's your choice whether you stay with him or not, but I don't understand why you say you can't leave him.

Original poster
hollyonthegreendoor · 22/08/2016 17:37

I think he'd get quite angry/sulky, he might listen though.

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 22/08/2016 17:38

So so often abusive men show their real colours when the woman is pregnant. Because they know they have them where they want them. This is who he is.

Tell him what pictish says. He will either be horrified, apologise and wind his neck in. Or he'll get even more aggressive and demanding and refuse to see any fault in his actions. Then you will know

pictish · 22/08/2016 17:39

Though I suspect he'd just turn it straight back on you and accuse you of being dramatic and overreacting. Which you're not.

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 22/08/2016 17:39

Many women do leave while pregnant, so you can, but clearly (and don't get me wrong for good reason) you don't want to. But can you try really talking to him about how his 'standards' are making you feel? You express yourself really well on here, so can you say the same to him? He needs to understand how you feel, both physically with the pregnancy, and emotionally. Then I guess the telling part is how he reacts.

happypoobum · 22/08/2016 17:39

You have to tell him straight that if you hear one more moan about tidiness/cleaning, or if there's a whiff of PA shite from him, you will be off.

You are working FT and are pregnant. He has to shut the fuck up and get off your case.

If this is what he is like now though, Christ knows what your life will be like when the baby arrives and he thinks you are "lazing around all day."

If he thinks it needs tidying/cleaning, he does it. In total silence and without stupid sulkiness.

BitOutOfPractice · 22/08/2016 17:39

Cross post with you OP

"I think he'd get quite angry/sulky"

So, you mean he will try and emotionally manipulate you to keep quiet and comply

That's what that means doesn't it?

pennyunwise · 22/08/2016 17:41

It's depressing to be reminded every day on Mumsnet about just how many men are actively nasty to the women they are meant to love. I can't help concluding that they must have conned their way into marriage and parenthood. Who in their right mind would willingly partner up with someone like the OP's husband?

I think that often, women are so insecure and desperate to settle down with somebody that they accept the first guy that comes along.

OP, why not just tell him what you told us? "Hubby, I work full time, I'm pregnant and stressed, and my standards of cleanliness aren't as high as yours. So I'm sorry, but I can't always clean the dishes immediately after eating dinner, etc. Please respect that it upsets me when you make comments about it".

Maybe he'll appreciate the honest communication!

Original poster
hollyonthegreendoor · 22/08/2016 17:42

I've been with him for ages, nearly 10 years, so it's not like I was desperate. I think he just thinks his way is the right way.

OP posts:
HelenaDove · 22/08/2016 17:43

penny a lot of men dont show their true colours until pregnancy.

OP He sees you as a domestic appliance with a vagina attatched.

lottiegarbanzo · 22/08/2016 17:43

If he was a reasonable person, you would be able to have a discussion about shared - compromised - standards and how often each job needs to be done. Then who is going to do what.

Compromise is essential. The fussier person does not get to impose their standards. 'Higher' standards are not better. The messier person does not get to impose their mess either, being 'laid-back' is not a higher ethical status.

Discussion, compromise, agreement. A bit of try it and see. That's how reasonable people, who want to live with each other, tackle this.

pictish · 22/08/2016 17:43

Good for him. He's not your boss.

lljkk · 22/08/2016 17:44

DH does this a bit with me... his mother was very houseproud & he never appreciated just how much hard work she put in to keep everything spotless. When DH is tired he ignores the mess; his mother was never that tired. My standards are very low which I'm quite happy about.

Friend had a husband with OCD; she would actually tell her friends to not clean up after their kids when they visited "He may as well have something real to clean up when he gets home" she'd say. They were actually quite happily married with that compromise.

pennyunwise · 22/08/2016 17:48

Anyway, bottom line, as is true of all these kinds of threads on here, is tell him how you feel. If he listens, responds well, sees your side of things, then great. If not, then he's obviously a dick and you'll have to either deal with being married to a dick or leave him.

dontcallmethatyoucunt · 22/08/2016 17:50

Please demand better treatment OP. This doesn't read well. You will set the scene for the rest of your life with the choices you make now, don't compromise your life, it won't have a happy outcome.

If he values you, he will listen and compromise. Compromise means neither of you get exactly what you want (24 hour rule on washing up of something), but it certainly doesn't mean he lays out his demands and you flog yourself to deliver them. If he can't compromise HE fills the gap.

pictish · 22/08/2016 17:52

Penny agreed.

lottiegarbanzo · 22/08/2016 17:59

And, you can agree that he is 'right' in perfect-world-la-la-fantasy-land but, that this is not how you are going to live. 'Right' i.e. Correct in theory, without real-world context, is not the same as actually going to happen in real life.

And yes, this will be a hundred times worse when you're on mat leave. Remember, it's maternity leave - for getting to know and take care of your baby. It is not housework leave.

Whatsername17 · 22/08/2016 18:01

I don't think what you have described necessarily points to abuse but his mentality is stuck in the 1950's. He is obviously house proud which is fine. But he needs to share the load and do his bit.