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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think his standards are too high

101 replies

hollyonthegreendoor · 22/08/2016 16:30

Just bought a house with DH.

He's constantly moaning about cleaning and saying it's messy. I went to the beach with friends yesterday and he went mad because there was sand in the car. After eating washing up has to be done now, that second. It's annoying me and making me feel like I have to be tidying constantly. AIBU?

OP posts:
RiverTam · 22/08/2016 17:04

Err, what? You both work full time, you're pregnant, but apparently you are also the sole cleaner?

You need to get this sorted sooner rather than later. Otherwise I can guarantee that you'll be on MN in a few months time, asking if you're being U for allowing your H (no D I'm afraid) to walk in the door into a messy house with toys everywhere. I've read a lot of those over the years. The men are always, without exception, wankers who treat their wives like skivvies and attach no value to being a parent at all.

ThinkPinkStink · 22/08/2016 17:04

I have a high pressured job - I go through periods where I work from 8am to 10pm...

My husband works a standard 9-5:30 day.

He often cooks dinner for when I get home or does the washing up when I'm half asleep on the sofa. And every time he does I am hugely grateful and feel guilty and want to reassure him that I, in no way, expect him to do all of the house work because I chose a career which eats up my weekdays.

If this is the start of living together - then I'm really worried for you. He is definitely being unreasonable.

ElspethFlashman · 22/08/2016 17:04

I knew you'd be pregnant before you even said it.

This type of criticism and control and not picking always escalates during pregnancy. The screw is turned just a touch too tightly.

Nip it in the bud pronto.

ElspethFlashman · 22/08/2016 17:05

*not picking

ElspethFlashman · 22/08/2016 17:06

Aah nit, fucking nit! Confused

Branleuse · 22/08/2016 17:06

surely you knew he had high standards before you got married and had a baby, and surely he knew that you werent the same?

ThinkPinkStink · 22/08/2016 17:06

Whoa - I spent too long on that response (doing my 'high pressured job')....

THIS:

I work full time but am currently pregnant and feeling very sick! ...is not cool.

When I was working full time and sick with pregnancy my dear husband went above and beyond to make sure I was looked after. I didn't even look at a bowl of washing up in my first trimester (the smell of food wasn't good).

I'm so sorry you're in this situation. I really think you need to get out of it.

IllMetByMoonlight · 22/08/2016 17:07

Is this your first child together?
I really feel for you and am so sorry this is unfolding in your life. Remember this, and pps telling you how unkind and unreasonable your husband is being, if you're ever tempted to make excuses for him and justify his behaviour, when you're too exhausted and worn down to stand up for yourself. Because it's not you, it won't be your DC either, it's him. Boo hiss.

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 22/08/2016 17:10

Yanbu. This really doesn't sound healthy op. No real advice just hugs and Flowers.

GarlicMistake · 22/08/2016 17:10

This looks rather worrying.

Since his standards are so exacting, how about he pays for full-time help? You aren't his servant, you've got your own life and your own mind.

I'm concerned about his expectations of a tidy baby.

badg3r · 22/08/2016 17:10

He sounds like an arse OP. I think you need a serious conversation about what is acceptable, both in terms of mess and in terms of being a dick about it. What is he going to be like when the baby is here? It sounds like he is putting you at the bottom of the pile.

pictish · 22/08/2016 17:12

So he gets angry when you won't do as he tells you and you want to put that down to his job. Big mistake. He's not like that because of his job, he's like that because he's an arse who thinks your role is as his live-in housekeeper.

What the fuck right has he to get angry? He's not your boss! Though he clearly thinks he is.

He'd not enjoy being married to me.

Original poster
hollyonthegreendoor · 22/08/2016 17:13

yes, it's a first baby and I am feeling very sorry for myself as I am sick and so tired. But I feel pressured to be cleaning all of the time Sad

OP posts:
Whatsername17 · 22/08/2016 17:16

With my DH, I told him when we moved in together to pick a floor to clean each week or pay for a cleaner. I cook, he does the washing. He cleans the bathrooms and hoovers the bedrooms. I polish everywhere (he is allergic to everything) and clean downstairs. The next time your DH complains about the washing up, hand him a pair of marigolds. If he complains, tell him you will dry up. However, you are not a paid cleaner and house hold duties are both of your responsibility.

pictish · 22/08/2016 17:16

Also agree that this type of controlling behaviour often manifests itself during a pregnancy or after the birth of a child. He knows you're not about to up and leave him now, so he can give ytou the full benefit of his actual belief system and personality, which in your dh's case is that you are the skivvy while he is the big I Am.

Pineappletastic · 22/08/2016 17:17

Cross post - you work full time, and are pregnant, and suffering sickness?

Tell him to pull his finger out and support you, the twatbag, you're growing his offspring in there!

My husband's done loads of extra while I've been pregnant and sick, he got the daggers for suggesting it was 'my turn' to make a cuppa at one point (I was particularly ill at the time though).

sleeponeday · 22/08/2016 17:18

You work full time, you're pregnant, and he thinks it's also your job to wait on him?

God, no wonder you're feeling sickened. I am for you, and without being pregnant.

Squirmy65ghyg · 22/08/2016 17:18

These types of twats get worse with marriage and pregnancy. Suggest you post on relationships OP.

Original poster
hollyonthegreendoor · 22/08/2016 17:24

how do I do this?

OP posts:
acasualobserver · 22/08/2016 17:24

It's depressing to be reminded every day on Mumsnet about just how many men are actively nasty to the women they are meant to love. I can't help concluding that they must have conned their way into marriage and parenthood. Who in their right mind would willingly partner up with someone like the OP's husband?

OneOfTheGrundys · 22/08/2016 17:24

I'm sure you do feel pressured. He is placing you under unreasonable pressure.

Get this out in the open with him now.

My DC somehow bring a metric shit ton of sand home from the beach. If he's getting antsy about cleanliness/tidiness now it's going to get much worse.

pointythings · 22/08/2016 17:25

OP, when I was in the early stages of pregnancy, with both of us working full time, my DH did all the cooking (because I couldn't stand the smell), made me endless batches of home made tomato sauce (which was all I could stomach), did the vast, vast majority of the housework and made sure I got to bed when I needed to (which was early). This is because he is not a twatbag, but a decent man. Like most men, in fact.

Your H needs to be pulled up sharply, right now, otherwise this will be the shape of your marriage. Don't let it happen.

RiverTam · 22/08/2016 17:26

OP - you can report your OP and ask for it to be moved to Relationships, or start a new thread there.

OneOfTheGrundys · 22/08/2016 17:28

Sorry op X post.

I tend to meet things head on with DH. Youve explained the situation so clearly on here. Can you say the words to him?

I agree about relationships board. Lots of waay more experienced posters over there who do give excellent advice.

Original poster
hollyonthegreendoor · 22/08/2016 17:28

I don't think he is nasty to me he just has high standards and expects me to go along with them. Sometimes he is lovely and just tells me to go straight to sleep.

OP posts:
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