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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think his standards are too high

101 replies

hollyonthegreendoor · 22/08/2016 16:30

Just bought a house with DH.

He's constantly moaning about cleaning and saying it's messy. I went to the beach with friends yesterday and he went mad because there was sand in the car. After eating washing up has to be done now, that second. It's annoying me and making me feel like I have to be tidying constantly. AIBU?

OP posts:
lottiegarbanzo · 22/08/2016 18:01

So 'yes, of course you're right dear, but what I'm actually going to do is this'. Statement. Not question. Not plea.

NoFanJoe · 22/08/2016 18:10

As someone said up thread, he thinks he's your boss. Why should he be the one to decide how neat things should be?

pictish · 22/08/2016 18:18

Houseproud and neat and tidy is fine. Using your oh-so-important job as a reason to make someone else do the work for you and getting angry if they won't, isn't. That's abuse.

TheBouquets · 22/08/2016 18:26

Do not feel that you have to stay in this bullying relationship. His standards are so high when you are there to do the work. If he was living alone do you really think that he would be able to maintain such high standards?
I doubt it -mine could not. When I saw the house after he left it I really had to laugh. So much for the fussiness that had me cleaning the ashtrays just before he arrived in from work.
I left when pregnant. I managed reasonably well. It was tiring being alone with a baby and I did not work at that time. By the time the DC was 5 I started work in a basic job. I then got another job and by the time the DC was 9 or 10 I was something big in a huge company.
I own properties, have a very decent car, and no financial worries at all.

Mr High Standards has a very small house and a very old car and I don't think there is much in the bank.
Who came out on top? Not looking for praise. I just want you to know that women can have a lot and even do better than the fussy partners.
Also something to be considered. Just how long do you think it will take the DBaby to learn to never have a thing out of place! You will have even more running fast to do and no doubt DH will find fault.
Think carefully if not for yourself for the DBaby

TheBouquets · 22/08/2016 18:28

PS My house right at this minute looks as if a hurricane came through here maybe another will come and sort everything out. I still do not do high levels of tidy, but there is no-one who can say a word about it all.

SquedgieBeckenheim · 22/08/2016 18:49

My DH has higher standards than I do - he was raised by an incredibly houseproud mother, mine was more the "mess is part of family life" school of thought.
99% of the time we share the housework and try to keep cleanliness somewhere between both of our standards. Right now I am pregnant (also due in March) and suffering with it. Therefore DH is picking up a lot of slack to keep the house clean and tidy, keep the dog and toddler happy, and keep us all fed. He does not begrudge this one bit. He knows I will pick up more when I can.
We both work - him full time, me only part time.
In a true partnership, everything is shared, with one picking up the pieces when the other is struggling.
You need to spell it out to your DH and see how he reacts. Does he know the true extent of the effect the pregnancy is having on you? Or have you downplayed it so as not to complain?
Hope you can get this resolved.

IllMetByMoonlight · 22/08/2016 19:06

Yes, TheBouquets, think about DBaby and how sad it'll be to always have to think about not making too much mess Sad

Original poster
hollyonthegreendoor · 22/08/2016 20:47

I know but you can't just leave because someone tidies up a lot!

OP posts:
RiverTam · 22/08/2016 20:51

It's not just about that. It's the lack of respect and care towards you. He doesn't seem to think you're equal partners, he's the one with the important job, yours and your upcoming job as the mother of his child don't count.

If he was simply tidier than you there'd be no problem. But it's not simply that, is it?

Original poster
hollyonthegreendoor · 22/08/2016 20:55

it isn't, but it doesn't mean I can just leave my marriage.

OP posts:
TestingTestingWonTooFree · 22/08/2016 20:57

The problem is not that he tidies up a lot. The problem is that he's seeking to control you and his complete lack of respect and consideration for you.

seahorse106 · 22/08/2016 21:07

My mums ex husband was like that. He was awful. Couldn't even take your shoes off by the front door and leave them there, they had to be put away immediately.
One Christmas he upset everyone by clearing up the wrapping paper as we were unwrapping our presents and moaning we were making a mess.

Mojito7 · 22/08/2016 21:32

OP - lots of people in relationships have different standards of tidiness / cleanliness and some are a touch OCD about certain things, for whatever reason. The point here is that you, like him, are working full time, but you, unlike him, are also pregnant FGS! Angry

My DH does no cleaning because between myself and the cleaner who comes once or twice a week we've got it covered. He does expect me to cook for him (as in he will not even make his own toast, let alone dinner Confused) and I do all his laundry /ironing, but I'm SAHM and he works very long hours, so fair enough. What I can tell you is that when I was pregnant (we've had 3) he certainly wouldn't have let me be lugging vacuum cleaners around the place or standing for long periods, etc. if anything he was OTT about me taking it easy.

Tell him that his high standards will require a professional cleaner a few times a week. Sounds like he can afford it, so what is his problem really? Soon you will find it difficult to be bending over to pick up laundry, vacuum and so on. And when the baby comes you will be feeding, possibly hourly, and won't know what day of the week it is. Better to get a strategy in place now.

Hope the sickness gets better soon -does he understand how awful you feel?

magoria · 22/08/2016 21:39

Wow are you going to have fun when the baby starts moving and is into everything.

You need to make changes to his attitude now before the baby is here.

MyPeriodFeatures · 22/08/2016 21:44

Ah, you're married to my ex husband !

Original poster
hollyonthegreendoor · 22/08/2016 22:00

Although we both work full time I don't actually do as many hours as him, he does also pay for the cleaner.

he tells me off when I am messy and reminds me it is his house too and he wants to be in a comfortable environment. but i'm not comfortable with him constantly on about it.

OP posts:
NeedAnotherGlass · 22/08/2016 22:08

His standards can be as high as he wants them to be, as long as he is the one who is going to maintain them.
He has no right to demand that you maintain to his standards.
Do not allow yourself to be a skivvy - he has to pull his weight.

lottiegarbanzo · 22/08/2016 22:24

And, it's your house too!

He doesn't get to 'tell you off', you're not a child!

If he wants to have a conversation with you, to agree mutually acceptable standards, he instigates a conversation.

What are you going to do? Are you going to discuss this with him? Are you going to make it clear that, in marriage, listening, compromise and kindness are all, and people converse?

Are you going to refuse to be dictated to and object to being 'told off'? (And to whatever sulky, stroppy or martyrish behaviour emerges when you do refuse to obey and skivvy for him)?

GarlicMistake · 22/08/2016 23:16

A friend of mine left a controlling, "perfectionist" neat freak. Not long ago, her 8-year-old said she likes their new, smaller house - because they were never allowed to play properly before 😢

Don't make excuses for him, lovely. If you're going to start a family life - and family home - with him, lay it on the line HARD. His attitude is totally unreasonable, insulting, dismissive and incompatible with family life. Someone - Pictish? - posted a very good little script upthread. Use it. And don't tolerate sulks, either.

Make him afraid you might leave him. Rebalance that influence.

GarlicMistake · 22/08/2016 23:23

reminds me it is his house too and he wants to be in a comfortable environment. but i'm not comfortable

He feels comfortable when his sick, pregnant, tired wife runs around like his maid.

You've lived together for ten years. Presumably he wasn't ordering you about like this before you were pregnant?

Lunaticfringe12 · 22/08/2016 23:25

I haven't Raft but you should suggest joint counselling in case he doesn't realise how his attitude is affecting you. Long term will not be positive for you if this issue isn't resolved as the stress of meeting his arbitrary standards will make you ill. I know this from experience. And he will not treat you any better if you give up and become a doormat.

rosesarered9 · 23/08/2016 09:07

Show him this thread OP.

gandalf456 · 23/08/2016 09:22

I'm sure he'd love that

HeresashatinaboxpAt · 23/08/2016 09:32

Op my oh was very much like this... Before we lived together he had an immaculate place. When I was pregnant I too was very sick... Everything had to be done in my time it took a while and he did help out occasionally... Two children later our house is a shit tip half the time but he helps and does his bit but never complains now.. It's not abusive I don't think just what they become used too. He will adapt and you will also learn to tell him to shut his trap. Especially when he has the option of tidying or holding screaming baby.

Nanny0gg · 23/08/2016 09:46

When I was pregnant with DC1 I was off work because of sickness. DH was working full time (locally, but still full time).

He cooked, hoovered, shopped, ironed and cleared up.

I was either on the sofa or in the loo.

And never once 'told me off' about any mess.

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