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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think DH should be kinder to my parents

69 replies

piraterach · 22/08/2016 08:00

A bit of backstory. We've been married a couple of years now, living together 5 and together 9. My parents visit for an hour once a week and then I see them alone for another few hours on a wkend when he's working.

He's always nice to them in person and they genuinely love him and have embraced him fully.

The only problem is he can be quite ungrateful sometimes. Most recently my parents have offered to take us, them and my brother and wife on holiday next year (it's not set in stone but that's the plan). I ran it by DH to see if he'd be happy with this. Initially he said yes but we can't let them pay. 5 minutes later he says actually he doesn't think he would enjoy himself and he'll stay home with the dog.

Not only do I think this is ungrateful when my parents are doing something nice (they'll definitely be upset by this), I also think it's a bit rubbish to leave me on my own as the gooseberry for the entire holiday. Aibu?

OP posts:

ToastDemon · 22/08/2016 08:02

I wouldn't really fancy a holiday with my PIL. I hate holidaying with anyone except DH. He probably feels the same.

FallenStar3 · 22/08/2016 08:03

Some people just don't enjoy being round their inlaws all the time especially on holiday it sounds like you've asked he's quickly said yes without thinking and given it much more thought decided he wouldn't I don't think there's any harm it changing his mind it's not ungratefulness.

Amelie10 · 22/08/2016 08:05

I too think it's fair that he has changed his mind. It doesn't mean if they are giving you a holiday you have to accept and then be ungrateful if you choose not to go. Maybe he doesn't want to spend so much of time all together.

Oysterbabe · 22/08/2016 08:06

Holidaying with the inlaws isn't many people's idea of fun. Would this be your only holiday? I think he should suck it up though and maybe agree that you'll do your own thing for a lot of the time while there?

PetrovaFossil1 · 22/08/2016 08:06

I also think it can be too much going on a family holiday with your in laws.

If he has limited annual leave I can sympathise with him not wanting to use it on something he won't enjoy. I don't think you would be a 'gooseberry' if you're with your own family either.

Plus seeing them every week is a lot in any case.

StripeyDogs · 22/08/2016 08:06

A holiday with my pil wouldn't be something I'd choose but I'd go to be polite, esp as other family members are going

acasualobserver · 22/08/2016 08:07

Is this the only instance of 'unkindness' towards your parents?

RoughMagic · 22/08/2016 08:07

Even if you get on well with your in laws, it's not unreasonable to find the thought of a holiday with them a bit much. It would be your parents AND your brother and SIL? I don't think I would like that for a whole week. It doesn't mean he's 'ungrateful' just that he'd rather do something else on his holiday.

Rainatnight · 22/08/2016 08:08

Completely sympathise with not wanting to go on holiday with the PIL. Not ungrateful, maybe just not his idea of fun?

TheNaze73 · 22/08/2016 08:10

I agree with most OP. Wouldn't be my first choice either

MuggleWuggle · 22/08/2016 08:10

I have been on holiday with my in-laws and we have with my dad & family too. It's maybe not the holiday that would be our first choice as an ideal holiday but it's family. Easier too with your brother and sister in law there too- do you both get on with them?
I think he should suck it up, particularly if their paying it gives you the freedom to have your own holiday that suits you as well.

GenevaJoey · 22/08/2016 08:11

I am currently on holiday with my parents in law. I love them dearly (and they've generously paid for the holiday cottage) but it is hard work. It's not my idea of a holiday really.

SaggyNaggy · 22/08/2016 08:11

Not the same but similar---ish.

My gf wants to go to Spain and see her dad, he's lived there for 15 years. Fine, nice holiday. But she wants to stay with her dad...
That would be 2 weeks where I'm staying in someone else's house, with them, always around d them etc. I don't think I'd be able to relax, I'd always have to be being polite and pleasant. I won't be able to sit around the hotel in my pants, go for a wander at my leisure, visit places I want, I'll always have to consider her dad and step mum iyswim.

Op, your happy and fine with the holiday because its your family, you'll be fine and comfortable around them for the weeks ypoypoure away, maybe your OH wont be as comfortable and the thought of feeling awkward for that amount of time does t sound like fun to him.

Original poster

piraterach · 22/08/2016 08:12

Thanks everyone. It's helpful to see it from other people's perspective. He does have previous with stuff like this (my parents have taken us out for meals before and I've had to drag him along). His family aren't as close as mine but I don't think we're in each other's pockets. Maybe I'm wrong. I hate being stuck in the middle, I don't want to force DH if he's not going to enjoy himself but also don't want to upset my parents. This would also probably be the only holiday we get in a while as we just can't afford it.

OP posts:

AngieBolen · 22/08/2016 08:13

I have perfectly nice in laws but I wouldn't want to go on holiday with them.

My DH has been away with my family a few times. They regard him as saintly for doing this, as they realise many people would refuse.

One holiday DSis pointed out My DH probably wasn't really into the 3D jigsaw he found, but it meant he didn't have to talk to my family

Buttfucknowhere · 22/08/2016 08:13

Don't think he's being 'unkind' or 'ungrateful' to your parents. As long as he declines politely.

If you feel he should want to go or that he's leaving you in a weird position, then you need to ask him nicely if he would go for you, just this once. If he's a loving partner I assume he will listen and maybe agree for your sake. If not, I still don't think he's obliged but would understand why you would be a little hurt. Ask him, explain why it matters to you, see what he says. But don't blame him if he doesn't really want to go.

Maybe he can't bear your parents and its taxing his limits to be nice to them for an hour a week? Sorry no offence meant, but there could be number of reasons why he doesn't want to go?

Crispsheets · 22/08/2016 08:15

Going out for the odd meal....fine as long as it's not a regular thing.
A holiday....never.

SaggyNaggy · 22/08/2016 08:16

Thi nk of it another way op.
If he goes, if you drag him along, then you'll spend the whole holiday with a secondary layer of anxiety, worrying if he's having fun, moaning he's being quiet, etc etc.
If he stays home, he can relax in his pants and you can relax with your family and not have to worry about him.

lastqueenofscotland · 22/08/2016 08:17

I like my PIL a lot, they offered to take my on holiday last year, I politely declined (and used lack of annual leave as an excuse).
I don't think it's ungrateful at all. Far better that g makes it clear now than dropping out nearer the time.

JellyBeansHaveNoAgeLimit · 22/08/2016 08:17

Could you compromise by saying to your parents "we'll come along but would like to do a few days just us"? Then you still get a holiday and DH gets a break from being with the in-laws the whole time

oldestmumaintheworld · 22/08/2016 08:17

Your husband is not being ungrateful. Your parents have offered a holiday and he has decided that he doesn't want to go. That is a perfectly reasonable thing for him to do. We do not, as adults, have to accept the gifts that people offer if we don't want them and he has chosen not to. I'm sorry but I think you are the one who is being unreasonable; they are your parents not his.

I would sooner slit my own throat than go on holiday with my in-laws, but I can manage to be polite to them when they visit.

maras2 · 22/08/2016 08:17

Much as DH liked and respected my late parents he wouldn't have enjoyed holidaying with them (neither would I) There's a world of difference between seeing them for a few hours a week and being with them 24/7 as you inevitably would when on holiday,Don't know how you would tell them though,I was lucky to have such a good relationship with them that I could say 'You must be joking,we'll end up killing each other' and they would have agreed and would not have taken offence.Good luck.

Katastrophe13 · 22/08/2016 08:21

I've been in this situation. It's hard because you feel a bit hurt that he doesn't want to go and difficult for you to explain to your parents that he doesn't want to come. Mine did come in the end, but was a bit sulky as he felt our holiday was being controlled by my parents. I wouldn't do it again! Sorry I don't have any advice on the situation. Just wanted to say that I don't think he is being unkind, it's fair enough that he doesn't want to go, but I understand that it's awkward for you and I sympathise!

TondelayaDellaVentamiglia · 22/08/2016 08:22

if you won't get a holiday otherwise could you go together just for the weekend? Bit of compromise on all sides?

Could the dog come, then at least he has an escape to do some dog walking?

Or you could do the whole week and he could just do a couple of days?

RoughMagic · 22/08/2016 08:23

But you can't force him to have a close relationship with your parents if he doesn't want one! It's not 'ungrateful' to politely decline holidays/meals out with your family if it's not something he would enjoy.

If you want to go on the holiday and he's happy for you to go alone, what's the problem? Seriously. Why do you think you're stuck in the middle?

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