To think DH should be kinder to my parents

[piraterach]

A bit of backstory. We've been married a couple of years now, living together 5 and together 9. My parents visit for an hour once a week and then I see them alone for another few hours on a wkend when he's working.

He's always nice to them in person and they genuinely love him and have embraced him fully.

The only problem is he can be quite ungrateful sometimes. Most recently my parents have offered to take us, them and my brother and wife on holiday next year (it's not set in stone but that's the plan). I ran it by DH to see if he'd be happy with this. Initially he said yes but we can't let them pay. 5 minutes later he says actually he doesn't think he would enjoy himself and he'll stay home with the dog.

Not only do I think this is ungrateful when my parents are doing something nice (they'll definitely be upset by this), I also think it's a bit rubbish to leave me on my own as the gooseberry for the entire holiday. Aibu?

If you feel as if you would be the gooseberry, can you take a friend instead? It depends on your family. In my family, it has historically been the norm to bring a friend or a partner along, but some families would find this weird.

The dog might appreciate hanging out with your DH?

I've been forced guilt tripped into going on a couple of week long holidays with my inlaws and really not enjoyed myself at all. I don't think any of us did tbh!

I would never have suggested family holidays with either of my parents, for the sake of balance.

Hmm I can see both sides. I get that's it a bit awkward for you, but I don't think your DH is being 'unkind' though. Holidays with in-laws can be very, well, trying. I get on fine with DH's family and did a 4 days / 3-night UK break with my DH's extended family a couple of years ago, and I was desperate to get home by the end of it. 4 days of having to make polite conversation and having to deal with the 'strong' women in his family was too much for me. They keep hinting that they would like to do a 2-week break abroad with us all at some point and I'm sorry but I would say no to that. I'm not prepared to spend so much money and use so much annual leave on a holiday I'm not going to enjoy. But I would maybe consider compromising and do another long weekend somewhere with them again if it meant a lot to them. Could your DH do similar and suggest a shorter break away together?

Tough one. I see your DH's point of view - I've just done a long weekend away with MIL and her friend a few weeks back, and while I don't have a problem with MIL, it did get a bit "do we HAVE to see them every minute of every day?" And that was just a long weekend!

So I have sympathy with him. OTOH, I have sympathy with you too, and your parents - because they're doing a nice thing, and you'd like him to be along so you don't feel like a spare wheel.

But in all fairness, I think your best bet would be to say that he can't get the time off work, so you'll come alone. That way their feelings won't be hurt, and you'll still have time with your parents and brother. If your DH misses out on a holiday, that's his tough nuts.

erinaceous - I know that nowadays there seem to be more problems with DILs and MILs, but I remember the "jokes" from comedians like Les Dawson about "the MIL", and how son-ILs seemed to have more problem with their MILs. But my Dad adored his MIL - far more than my mum did!! In fact I remember at one point mum sarcastically suggesting that Dad should have married her mum instead... (she was joking, I think). Dad was definitely more upset when my Nan died than my Mum was (she was a daddy's girl).

As a complete off-topic wander - if you did all go, who would look after the dog?

I ask this as I'm often expected to go to 'family events', sometimes a day's drive away, and nobody considers the fact that I've got a house full of beasts to feed, exercise and look after. Maybe he's being practical? Kennels cost a fortune...

While I do get your side of things, it is possible to like people but not enjoy their company. I get on well with in laws for visits etc but would definitely not want to go on holiday with them. It's be a complete drag and probably end up sniping at each other over the DC or something. I wouldn't enjoy a holiday with them, even though I like them as people

I can't think of anything worse than going on holiday with my in-laws! If it was a weekend I would just go, but any longer just no! Annual leave is valuable and not to be used for things like this. I'm sure my husband feels the same about my family.

I would hate to go on holidays with anyone except my dh and dc. We have our own funny little ways we are used to now and l would be stressed trying to fit into someone else's routine. I wouldn't have gone with inlaws even though we got on brilliantly. Every now and then a really good friend mentions dh and l going on holidays with her and her dh. We get on brilliantly But No! We like being on our own.
But l would insist on the meals out. That wouldn't kill him and l believe is important and he shouldn't make a fuss.
Would you like to go on holidays with his dp and siblings? I doubt it.

Being kind to your parents, for me, would entail listening with apparent interest to their anecdotes or popping in for a cup of tea when he's in their neighbourhood.

Going on a week's holiday he doesn't want to go on with his PIL, BIL & SIL goes quite a long way into the realm of actual self-sacrifice.

I'm afraid I'm entirely with your DH and cannot imagine why he would want to spend a whole week of holiday with, well, a whole family of inlaws. I think he is indeed being kind to them to simply say no, thank you.

The unreasonable one here, in my view, is you. You seem to be giving more weight to not upsetting your parents than to what your DH wants. Why would your parents be upset? They offered, he replied, all good. Again, why would they be upset?

Is there something else here? Do you usually fall in with what your parents plan and are then very grateful? That is not an adult way to relate. Adults get to decide things for themselves, not just fall in with family plans

I would perhaps do a weekend with the family, but would certainly not sign up for a whole week. Hope this thread helps you see it from his point of view.

I'm with the majority here too. It is not ungrateful on your DH part to decide he doesn't want to go on holiday with his PiL. It isn't a summons!!!!!
Personally I couldn't think of anything worse. And that's not just holidaying with the ILs (who I like a lot and do get on with) but also with my own family.

Holidays are supposed to be enjoyable for all involved. My idea of a nice holiday is spending it doing the things I want to do and OH wants to do rather than constantly thinking and having to consider someone else's needs or meal times.

We took my DM and uncle on a cruise last year for 2 weeks which actually turned out nicely for the most part. However that was on the basis that our cabin was at the other end of the ship from theirs and that we didn't need to eat with them every night nor go out on the day with them all the time!

I think as well that you need to think about the dynamics of the people on the holiday. I quite like the peace and quiet and am perfectly happy sitting around with a book. MiL and my DM -to an extent- like nothing more than yabbering away about -shit- nothing. It drives me crazy. DM I can be blunt with and tell to shut up. MIL I tried to be subtle however she also doesn't get the hint so I have had to walk off in the past just to get some peace -so I didn't bury her under the patio-

For balance id also point out that OH gets on well with my family too but also wouldn't like to spend excessively long in their company. No offence on anyone's part there!!

However I can highly recommend a cruise if family holidaying is required -on a bloody great ship- and make sure cabins are on separate floors. Bliss! 😀

I generally get on well with my PILs, we often go and stay with them for a few days / a week (they live too far away for day visits) - but honestly, extended visits are not something I enjoy. They're something I do for the sake of the DC and DH.

It's just not possible for me to relax and enjoy my 'holiday' because I'm constantly feeling under pressure to be fitting into their routine, be on my best behaviour, make polite conversation whether I feel like company or not, and so on. They are accommodating and all that, but I still come home feeling exhausted and like I need a couple of days to decompress and recover before being plunged back into my normal everyday routine. Which isn't usually something I get.

DH feels pretty much the same way about extended time with my family, but as they live a lot nearer to us, even overnight trips with them have only ever happened for things such as family weddings away, where we've just been overnighting in the same hotel.

So, basically, I don't think your DH is being ungrateful to not be leaping with joy at the thought of a holiday away with your parents, brother and SIL. Especially not if it's at the expense of a holiday away that's just you and him.

ThumbWitchesAbroad MIL jokes have made my DM before now cry

Fucking patriarchy, divide-and-rule.

(Sorry OP. I am just sad for my DM who lost a real source of support for her.)

When I decline to join my DH on IL holidays, work used to be given as the reason, because my preference not to attend because I have better things to do might be taken as offensive - not by my DH particularly but by my PIL.

Absolutely Erin it is all about power. Best thing you can do is to keep clear.

I do feel sad when I read someone who is still tangled up in their own family's hierarchy, especially when they want their partner to join in, rather than learn through an outsider's eyes, what is really going on.

Maybe obvious that i have come a long way in this direction, with the help of DH. Previous serious relationship there was always tension between us about my family. I see more clearly now.

Sorry about that Erinaceous :(

I'm going to go against the grain here, and say that if there is no opportunity for two you to have another holiday and he doesn't have anything else in particular to use his annual leave for, and there isn't some reason for him to dislike your parents, he is being a bit unreasonable. It doesn't have to be an annual thing, it's just something you'd like to do, and it's not stopping him doing anything he wants to do. I think he's being mean. It's different if this would be replacing a holiday for the two of you or even a fun stay-cation. But doesn't sound like it is.

Difficult one. You can't choose your in laws... Many people rub along just fine but are never going to be best buddies so the thought of spending a week or two on holiday together must send shivers down the spine.

DW isn't wild about my parents, they are a little stand offish at times and do do things on their own terms. It's nothing too awful, they're still very nice and we get along great but it's just a bit of a contrast to her parents who are just about the nicest most selfless people you could hope to meet.

They are constantly wanting to do things for us , buy things for the kids etc even though we really don't need them to.
I'm lucky to get on really well with them but I don't think DW could survive a couple of weeks with my folks. My mum keeps making noises that we should all go away together island hopping ( parents have a lovely sea going yacht) but we've so far made excuses..
I know she wouldn't enjoy it so I don't want to force it on her... Am planning on borrowing the boat next spring though for a trip on our own!