To think DH should be kinder to my parents

[piraterach]

A bit of backstory. We've been married a couple of years now, living together 5 and together 9. My parents visit for an hour once a week and then I see them alone for another few hours on a wkend when he's working.

He's always nice to them in person and they genuinely love him and have embraced him fully.

The only problem is he can be quite ungrateful sometimes. Most recently my parents have offered to take us, them and my brother and wife on holiday next year (it's not set in stone but that's the plan). I ran it by DH to see if he'd be happy with this. Initially he said yes but we can't let them pay. 5 minutes later he says actually he doesn't think he would enjoy himself and he'll stay home with the dog.

Not only do I think this is ungrateful when my parents are doing something nice (they'll definitely be upset by this), I also think it's a bit rubbish to leave me on my own as the gooseberry for the entire holiday. Aibu?

My inlaws used to do kind things for us and get upset if I was ungrateful. For example, they bought us large items of furniture I did not like, then noisily assembled them outside the kids' bedroom after bedtime. When I asked them not to, my MIL actually cried at my ungratefulness. My ex thought that was ungrateful of me too.

So admittedly I am a bit allergic to the whole concept of ungratefulness .

Maybe your husband also feels uncomfortable about accepting an expensive gift? I know that men are not always the big earners in every family these days, but I think men can often feel bad if they aren't able to "provide for" their family.

A bit like when me MIL used to turn up at our home with her rubber gloves and a mop, and start cleaning to help me out. Kept my mouth shut so as not to upset her with my ungratefulness, but it still felt like she was commenting on my role as a housewife - all my feminist ideas went out the window!

It's a tough one but if it's the only holiday option for you both it seems a shame not to have fun. IT also depends where you are going? All crammed in a hotel room would be a disaster but we have succesfully shared cottages in a courtyard as each unit gets their own time as well as sharing evenings and some trips. Maybe he feels uncomfortable with them paying or is worried he will be expected to pay for lots of things, as parents are paying for trip? Meals out for 6 can work out quite expensive. The dog is a marvellous excuse for own time I was always back by dark 😁

He possibly feels uncomfortable that they are paying for something you can't afford. But doesn't want you to miss out.

Tbh I think it's off for your parents to show they are upset because they offered something and he has politely declined.

Many people wouldn't want to go away with in laws.

Also you are not obliged o take something because it's offered.

If you feel put The middle, have you looked at your parents behaviour for the reason for this. You seem to imply he is putting you in the middle. But he is just making decisions for himself.

Their reaction is putting you in the middle.

Fwiw, dh and Dd went away with his parents for a week. I didn't go, no one was offended.

He's not ungrateful to decline something that he would rather not do.

Aren't you the one leaving him alone by accepting?

Anyway, if you get on with your parents, what's the problem?

You say that his own family aren't as close so I wonder if he'd find ILs a bit suffocating for days on end (no matter how nice they are) as he's used to his own space? I certainly couldn't go on hols with MIL as she'd drive me utterly insane.

Don't forget the previous poster who felt tempted to throw her ILs off a cliff. Please tell me that the beaches are now safe for us to walk on without the threat of ILs landing on us from on high.

We took PIL on holiday because FIL had been poorly and they needed a break. DH cocked it up completely- booking a cottage with a double bed (PIL) and children sized bunkbeds (us). 'Well it said sleeps 4' was his excuse. Pouted most of the fortnight and FIL snored like mad in the room next door. I was ready to murder someone.

Staying home with the dog (and work presumably) would make complete sense, he is not being unkind to your parents.

The thought of a holiday with my PIL gives me the horrors and they're nice people. But it's MY very precious time off and no, I wouldn't be spending it with them.

I think he's been rather generous about it as my DH wouldn't even dare suggest it.

I wouldn't want to go on holiday for a week with my own parents, let alone my inlaws! Your DH isn't being ungrateful, just realistic. A meal or an afternoon here and there isn't the same as being with them for a whole week.

Can't you compromise? Go for a few days and then go on somewhere else just the two of you? Or you go for a few days on your own? I don't think he should made to use up his annual leave going abroad with his inlaws, to be honest. And honestly, would you be happy to spend a week abroad with his family?

I don't think anyone should feel duty bound to spend a whole week on holiday with their in laws! Your DH is perfectly reasonable to not feel up to the challenge,

I totally agree with your dh, it does not sound like much of a holiday, if time is limited with Annual leave, you want to use that on a holiday of your choosing, with your immediate family. You are saying that you can't let them pay, this will come out of family money. So he will be using his annual leave, on a holiday that he is not keen on, using his money. I can't blame him on this.

You go alone, then and spend some quality time with your parents.

Just read that you can't afford another holiday in a while, so he will want this holiday probably to be just you and dcs, not with extended family.

Are your parents ever grateful to DH for anything?
Or is it always the other way round.

My dad loved my mum's parents and was loved by them. However, he'd have walked under a bus to avoid going on holiday with them AND my aunt and uncle. I think it's just how some people are.

That said, I wonder if, as your husband initially said he'd go if you paid for yourselves, there's a little bit of pride involved, as he knows you as a couple can't really afford it. In that case I think you have two options:

1. Try to encourage him to go without guilt-tripping him. If he's still against it, cut your losses and accept it's better he's not there at all than there under sufferance.

2. Go without him, inventing some kind of work issue to avoid upsetting your parents, and try to get a cheap weekend break just the two of you at a later time.

My feeling is option two is better. You won't really be a 'gooseberry' - it's not like you're the only single friend in a group.

I am a bit confused as the OP says "dh should be kinder to my parents" and then you say "he is always nice to them in person."

I suspect many of us would rather chew our own arms off than go on holiday with ILS.

I don't think DH is being unreasonable in the least.

I think he is being rude & ungrateful. It's rude because they're your parents & saying 'I don't like you enough to spend a week with you' does put you in an awkward position. You won't have a holiday unless you accept this kind offer so it's not like he's missing out on another holiday if you go on this one.

I'd ask him to come, even if it's not his idea of an ideal holiday. Explain how rude you'd feel telling your parents 'no' and how you don't want to go on your own. If he's a half decent husband he'll go for you, if not himself.

You don't have to spend 24/7 as one group.

I think it will be nice for you to spend time with your mum and dad and even better that you have someone at home looking after DDog.

If he's a half decent husband he'll go for you, if not himself.

You could easily twist that, though, and say "if OP is a half-decent wife, she'd understand it's his idea of hell and wouldn't force him into it".

Nobody should have to go on holiday with their inlaws! Maybe he wants to spend his limited holiday having some quality time with his wife, not his wife and half her family!

It is not being unkind to not want to go on holiday with your in laws, even if they are paying. I couldn't do it again.

Totally disagree cafe

Nothing in your OP suggests to me that your DH isn't "kind" to your parents. He's just not doing what you and they would like him to do in this instance. By your own admission he is nice to them when he sees them and he sees them every week (which would be too much contact with the IL's for many people) so I'm not sure your expectations are realistic.

As long as he declines politely and respectfully, it's not inherently rude or unkind to turn down an invitation. He has also said he would be fine with you going, so he is considering your feelings and not wanting you to miss out. I can understand you being disappointed that he doesn't want to go but I don't think he's done anything wrong to be honest.

Disagreeing with just about everybody!
I think he's behaving like a brat. It's a whole year away and it's a one-off. Plenty of time to sort out with your parents how much time you and DH would get to spend alone. I doubt anybody will want to be with everyone else all the time.
Tell him you'd really like him to come and would appreciate him making the effort just this once.
My DD's PIL regularly pay for both their sons and families to go on a cruise and everyone enjoys it. Meeting up just for meals most days but spending evenings together.

In our marriage, this comes up. The most recent PIL-initiated holiday, DH went for the whole time and I went for about 48 hours towards the end.

Would this be an option for you? It does depend where the holiday is. This one was not too onerous travel-wise and it did not make a difference cost-wise in terms of travelling.

In-law relationships are some of the most difficult I have ever come across to be honest. For a long time, I thought that the problem was with me because my DM had a strong, positive relationship with her MIL, and I sort-of expected the same for me by default and it just did not happen. Then I talked to other married couples of all sorts and all durations of marriage, first marriages, second marriages, divorces and all the rest and I came to realise that my DM and MIL's relationship is unusual in how well they got on, and that the joining of two families is a non-trivial exercise.

I miss my paternal GM - not as much as my DM does I suspect .