To ask how generous your OH's are and to wonder whether my DP is tight?!

[Frustrated01]

I'm aware this post will make me seem mercenery; but it's really not about money, more about attitude and thoughtfulness.

Together 4 years, live together in his house. He is a 'high earner' (earns 3 x my salary) He pays the mortgage (as its his house) and a couple of bills, I pay the rest of the bills, buy all the food and do all of the cooking and cleaning.

We take it in turns to pay when we go out, but it is mostly me as I always feel guilty that his outgoings for the house are probably more than mine.

Over the past couple of weeks, it has been an unfortunate coincidence that a lot of my friends have had big birthdays and nearly all of their partners have taken them away or for a weekend break or, TBH just been NICE and treated them.

All the girls at work seem to have lovely DPs who take them out to dinner on a Friday night or occasionally just do something nice for them, just because? I saw one of my friends the other night and she said that she is going to New York in November, for her 30th, as a present from her DP as he knows she's always wanted to go. I honestly just sat there thinking how lovely that was and how pigs would literally fly before my boyfriend ever did anything like that for me.

In the four years we have been going out, he has never once taken me for a night away, a weekend away or a holiday (and YES I have done all of these things for him before anyone says anything) If we go out for dinner or to the cinema or anything it's nearly always me that suggests it and then again everything is mostly split exactly 50/50

Every year for my birthday or Christmas he just says 'What do you want for your birthday/ Christmas?' I always feel bad saying anything really in case he thinks it's too expensive so normally just say 'A bottle of perfume' and there it is, wrapped up, a bottle of perfume. Don't get me wrong, it's what I asked for, but where is the thought?! Where is the romance?! And God forbid he should spend more than £50 on me.

Last year he wanted to go on a scuba diving holiday (we're both quite keen divers) I had just bought a new car and honestly just didn't have the money....so he went on his own. My friends and my mum blew up and said it was awful that he would rather have gone away on his own...than pay to bring his girlfriend of 4 years with him. I was upset that he went but at the end of the day, I didn't have the money so fine.

I got in the other night and told him about my friends surprise 30th New York trip, I gently 'joked' that he would never do anything like that for me and he said 'Well no, I haven't paid my mortgage off yet. Until I pay my mortgage off, extravagant gifts like that just wouldn't ever happen'

He is 30 and puts nearly £1500 per month into a savings account, he over pays on his mortgage by a vast amount each month and then the rest is his 'spending money'

I get that his approach is sensible, but for gods sake I'm not asking him to be 'extravagent' every month, I'm just saying that actually, once every couple of years it would be nice to be taken away for the weekend or for a night in a nice hotel. Just like I do for him on his birthday etc.

I know I sound unreasonable and princessey in this post. I promise I'm not, I'm just fed up of there not being any joy in life, of him going on about money all the time and banging on constantly about paying off his mortgage.

In every other way our relationship is great, he is an incredibly loving and supporting boyfriend and we are best friends. But there is just no surprise or romance- ever.

2 people in the last 2 days have asked me whether I'm sure I want to spend the rest of my life with this man, because they think although he is lovely that he is tight and mercenary.

I'm sitting here feeling really down and wondering whether he is totally right for me. But I really am not lying when I say that he is incredibly supporting and loving In other ways.

He priorities me over every one else in his life, he does anything and everything he can for me. He supports me in my hobby, comes to cheer on the side line in every single competition I've done, he fixes my car, massages my feet after a long day at work, listens to me for hours on end if I have a problem, he was my absolute rock last year when my dad was ill. He walks my dog, cooks dinner if I am on a late etc, listens endlessly to my girlfriends man problems when they come over and buys us all wine and chocolate for our girly nights, brings them tea and toast in the morning etc. Literally everything practical and emotional he is fine and a godsend, but he just doesn't make me feel 'special' in anyway. He is just one of those 'nice guys' that would literally do anything to help anyone, everyone says it and he is always going out of his way to help people efc which is one of the reasons why I love him.

I don't know. I guess that is the problem, the fact that I just don't feel that special to him, that everything he does for me I know he's probably done for his previous girlfriends and the fact that he went on holiday on his own, rather than pay to take me with him and won't ever spend any more than £50 on a present for me or reluctantly pays for meals out etc is just making it all feel a bit 'blah' and being surrounded by friends and colleagues who all seem to be wined and dined is making me feel even more meh.

SO, is he normal and my expectations are just too high? Or is he a bit tight?

Are your DPs generous?

No, ThymeforTea is right.

I really don't get it. If he has such a clear division about what is his and no pennies go to you... Why on Earth are you doing all the house chores? If it is as a in kind contribution to the mortgage he better put you on the deeds, you are already putting enough by paying other bills and food (expenses which may be proportionally similar given your smaller salary).

If he has such disposable income, it is because you are paying your part. Honestly, if you were to end tomorrow he would be in a very good place as he has paid a considerable part of his mortgage and have a person cook, clean for him and pays some bills for 4 years at no cost. You would have nothing.

Could you share a similar house with another person for less expense and labour? If so, he is taken advantage of you.

I totally get where you are coming from OP. My husband is a bit like this. He is completely non-spontaneous but I wouldn't really say he is tight. he is an amazing father and a loving husband who provides well for us (as do I). If we need something he will happily pay for it for me e.g. When we needed a new kitchen and a car. He would never just whisk me off on a romantic holiday though and we very very rarely go out, even before we had children - luckily we are both homebodies. Sometimes I nose on other peoples FB pages and feel jealous when they have had their 12th holiday that year or 50th meal out.

Op how old are you and when do you want to have children ? If he is the man you plan on marrying then his attitude will have to change won't it? Husbands don't go off on nice holidays without their wives.

He doesn't sound committed to uou and after 4 years I think you need to have a very frank conversation with him about your future finances and what will happen if you don't ever marry.

I don't think he has any intention of marrying you, OP.

I think you might need to start getting your head around the fact that however you feel about him, you're not his 'one'.

I wouldn't feel to bad about it, as it's quite obvious you can do a vast deal better, yourself.💐

"He supports me in my hobby, comes to cheer on the side line in every single competition I've done, he fixes my car, massages my feet after a long day at work, listens to me for hours on end if I have a problem, he was my absolute rock last year when my dad was ill. He walks my dog, cooks dinner if I am on a late etc, listens endlessly to my girlfriends man problems when they come over and buys us all wine and chocolate for our girly nights, brings them tea and toast in the morning etc. Literally everything practical and emotional he is fine and a godsend"

How does this not sound committed?

Not paying for you to go on holiday was tight and mean. How could he do that without it choking him.

If his main objective is to pay off the mortgage and not put you on it then fine let him.

Split the bills 50/ 50

Have a separate account for food/Days out/ coffee shops /meals out together.

Then when scuba time comes around again you'll have the extra money.
Tell him how much it hurt him when he went on his own .

Any savings you have left over bank in case you need a war chest in case it all goes tits up.

'How does this not sound committed?'

Because she wants to get married. He doesn't. He niggles and 50/50s here over every fucking thing except the housework, of course. He's fucking joyless and tight.

Leave him to his golden calf and his mortgage.

I own my house. And I'm mortgage free.
Dh and I split bills and have a purse for food/ entertainment and petrol

We both have about the same coming in each month and have separate accounts.

Big purchases like holidays we pay 50/50.
We buy and maintain our own cars.
He does most of the cooking and I do the majority of the admin, cleaning and driving.

He hates gardening but helps me with the grunt work.

He too would never think to book a break away but if I suggest going somewhere...he almost always says yes.
The thought of one going without the other...never.
He's hopeless at buying presents...but I'm loved and cared about every day...that to me is the most important thing.

Are you looking for a reason to leave him? Do you feel in your guts that you don't really want to spend the rest of your life with him? I kind of get that vibe from your OP.

I'm sitting here feeling really down and wondering whether he is totally right for me.

People who know you both have said that he is mercenary. I agree. You are subsidising his life so he can save for his future. You've been tricked into doing all the housework too.

I don't think he is particularly committed either. And at the risk of being flamed, this is why moving in with someone without- especially into his house - creates an illusion of commitment but it is only that - an illusion.

This is basically a nice guy who is nice on a day to day level - kind, considerate, a good friend, helpful, supportive, a good - if slightly tight - boyfriend. But in my opinion he does not regard the OP as a partner or his life companion.

Saving money and being mortgage free is clearly important to him. No problems with that. If he was committed to the OP - as in they were married or shared assets then that lack of presents and trips to NY wouldn't matter because the focus on the mortgage and saving would be for both their benefits. But it is actually only for his. He ends this relationship in 2 years and he has most of his mortgage paid, lots of savings, and no one can say anything bad about him other than "he was a bit tight and never bought her presents". Meanwhile OP has no home, no mortgage and no savings.

Honestly I think this is a commitment problem. He is perfectly entitled to spend his money as he wishes. He is also perfectly entitled to save money and buy 50 pound gifts. But OP, don't kid yourself that you are his partner in life. You are not. He is paddling his own canoe and I think you should do the same. Start by actually calculating what you would pay in rent if you were flat sharing. Then deduct that amount from what you put into the common fund with your partner and see how that works, especially since you do all the cleaning and cooking. I suspect he is coming out ahead.

And stop doing all the cleaning and cooking. Just stop.

If I were you, I'd move out and see where the relationship went from there.

My dp and I are dirt poor students so we split everything 50-50 most of the time when we go on date nights unless it's a birthday.

However there are times where one of us has more money and so we both do treat each other to little things.

My dP bought me a pair of £80 shoes once because I loved them and u was completely broke. He'd been doing overtime at his part time job so put the extra money towards the shoes!

He also paid for my flights to his home country once because I was in the middle of exams so I couldn't work my part time job as much ...and he really wanted me to go over and visit his family with him for the holidays.

When he's got no money he still "treats me" - e.g, he makes the bed by making the throw on top of the duvet into a heart shape. He also likes buying me my favourite 60p diet orangeade from Tesco

He's a good egg.

"He supports me in my hobby, comes to cheer on the side line in every single competition I've done, he fixes my car, massages my feet after a long day at work, listens to me for hours on end if I have a problem, he was my absolute rock last year when my dad was ill. He walks my dog, cooks dinner if I am on a late etc, listens endlessly to my girlfriends man problems when they come over and buys us all wine and chocolate for our girly nights, brings them tea and toast in the morning etc. Literally everything practical and emotional he is fine and a godsend"

To me this is all baseline stuff - what you'd expect from someone you liked (loved!) well enough to be in a relationship with.

It's what's on top of that that matters, and those things will be individual to every couple.

It seems more of a compatibility issue to me. They don't seem overly compatible - to the extent that it's seriously niggling and eating away at the OP.

Not ideal for long terms contentment and happiness, especially during the child-rearing years.

Is no one else bothered about the fact that the OP couldn't afford the holiday because she bought a NEW car?? It wasn't because she doesn't have a pot to piss in! I personally think that new cars are a total waste of money as they depreciate as soon as you drive them off the forecourt. If my boyfriend bought a new car against my advice (as opposed to a second hand one, like the one I have!), would I then be a bad girlfriend for going off on holiday and not paying for me to join him?? I would see it as - we both have x amount of spendies. One of us spends it on a brand new car, the other has an old car and a holiday with the spare money. If she had bought a 2 year old car, she would have probably been able to afford the holiday! She made a CHOICE - probably expecting that he would bail her out by paying for the holiday as well as her having the car she wanted. Sorry, but most of us can't have a brand new car and a fabulous exotic holiday in one summer!

OP, you are saving money by not contributing to the mortgage. Buy your own buy-to-let flat and rent it out, for your own future security. Stop expecting someone else to boost your lifestyle above your own earning power.

2 people in the last 2 days have asked me whether I'm sure I want to spend the rest of my life with this man, because they think although he is lovely that he is tight and mercenary.

Are they close friends/family? If so, this is telling. I think a pp made the point, but people will go to some lengths to avoid getting involved in other people's relationships. If it's someone close who said this, I would have a serious conversation with them in your shoes.

'I personally think that new cars are a total waste of money as they depreciate as soon as you drive them off the forecourt. '

For all we know, it was second hand; 'new' to her.

Would you change your view if you knew for a fact it was a brand new car?? As I say, if my boyfriend blows his savings on that, that'd be up to him, but I wouldn't be subsidising a holiday for him. You make your choice, and if you buy x then you can't afford y. Its a basic of budgeting. You don't buy x and then whinge because someone else doesn't buy you y.

In the four years we have been going out, he has never once taken me for a night away, a weekend away or a holiday (and YES I have done all of these things for him before anyone says anything) If we go out for dinner or to the cinema or anything it's nearly always me that suggests it and then again everything is mostly split exactly 50/50

Thats not princessey behaviour.

And the OP only says she'd got a new car. Doesn't specify it was brand new.
I buy used cars but would still say new car, as its new to me. Also i suspect her old one must have been oldish as she says he's fixes her car.

Where have I said it was a brand new car?!

It wasn't a brand new car, it was a £3k second hand car, I need a car for my business (self employed) and it cost me all my savings but I need something reliable.

I don't expect someone else to boost my earning power, if I want something I buy it for myself, I pay for my own lifestyle.

But yes, it grates on me that he's never really generous, that sometimes he knows something would make me happy, it doesn't cost a lot, but the fact it costs at all means he won't indulge me. I'm talking about small things here, not holidays.

Whereas I'm not fivilrous but if I know he wants something or something would make him happy then I do go out of my way to get it for him. Or plan that day out, or whatever.

"Is no one else bothered about the fact that the OP couldn't afford the holiday because she bought a NEW car??"

So she shouldn't have a car so she can afford to have holidays together?

My exh was an arse in many aspects, but faced with such situation he would have either paid for me (as I did for him on occasion) or we would choose a cheaper holiday.

Frustrated when someone shows you who they are, believe them. Money is the most important thing to him. After the mortgage, it will be his pension, an investment property (or more than one, a portfolio), what have you, there will always be something. He doesn't want or need a partnership where he has to share. He's fine with others splashing out on him, or splashing out on himself, though.

This is a non-starter. He doesn't want to get married and you do.

Tomorrow is Monday. Time to find a flatshare or your own place to rent or make arrangements to stay with friends or relatives until you can.

You are incompatible.

I did land/equity law a long time ago and it was incredibly dull but I do remember one important thing from it - NEVER move into a partner's house where your name isn't on the mortgage. I remember the lecturer reiterated that if we did this, we would inevitably be fucked over. It actually happened to my cousin - out of the blue, one day her partner came home, told her he didn't want to be with her anymore and he wanted her out. Her name wasn't on the mortgage so she got nothing and ended up having to move in with her sister.

Honestly, this whole living situation would make me very uncomfortable. I'd either say I want my name on the mortgage or get a buy-to-let as someone else suggested. You really need to start thinking about protecting your interests. You don't sound like an equal partner, more like a landlord/tenant and that would really worry me. There's a huge power imbalance.

That said, personally I'd end it. He sounds like a complete killjoy. I was shocked when you said he's worried about paying off his mortgage and he's only 30. 30!! Yes, I know it's sensible to save and all that but unless he's from a financially unstable background it seems over the top. He's still so young, and half the fun of being a young couple is being able to go off to exciting places. Personally, I'm of the mindset that one of the greatest pleasures in life is treating someone you love and doing/getting something that would make them happy. Within reason of course but you're not wanting anything outlandish. I can't believe at the age of 30 he's so miserable and mortgage obsessed that he can't treat his girlfriend once in a while. And yet he'll happily receive holidays from you. That suggests a fundamentally selfish mindset to me.

Now that you've said that he won't indulge at all for small things, I'd be out of there like a shot. If it's grating on you this much now it won't get any better, especially when kids come along. What next, no nice toy buying in case it interferes with him paying off his precious mortgage. It sounds like a miserable way to live.

My ex was tight so I do know what you are experiencing OP and he won't change. In the end though his tightness got to me and I ended it. He saved loads of money but wouldn't buy a fucking cup of tea out and used to joke that he had a kettle at home. It got boring.
He was nice on other ways but never did anything even slightly special for anyone if it meant spending a bit of extra cash. Everything was tallied. He could be quite Scrooge like. Laughing at people doing things like booking a luxury trip abroad, when they could camp for £5 a night and so on. I just didn't want to live like that. And I refuse to go camping ever again

OP - it must be really hard reading some of the comments on here. You sound like a lovely person btw - not princessy at all! It's nobody's business, quite frankly, about what car you bought or why. You don't need to justify yourself.

As someone said upthtead, your DP seems to know the cost of everything, but the value of nothing. You love this man, you want to marry him and you want some romance in your life. There's nothing wrong with that. All he can focus on is this mortgage - as if he's got tunnel vision or something. It must be very disappointing for you to say the least. You are cohabiting with him but he still has a single man attitude to life.

When I met my DH I was 24 and he was 28. He never had a "split things 50/50 mentality". He proposed after 3 months and I moved into his house after this. He didn't expect me to pay anything towards his bills because I was his fiancé. His money was my money and vice versa. The first thing he did was put his house on the market so we could buy another one in both our names, even though he basically bought it. We've shared everything since then. If you're planning on having children together, there can be no such thing as his money and your money.

If he can afford to over pay on his mortgage and save every month, he can afford to treat you to a holiday fgs. Where is the spontaneity? It would drive me crazy, I'm afraid.

Do you think he can ever change and prioritise you?

YABU

You bought a new car and then expext him to foot the bill for your holiday. Why didn't you buy a second hand car so you could contribute towards the holiday?

I do think you should share the housework though.

You have a roof over your head and only pay out £500 to £600 a month?!!!!

Mumsnet has such double standards If a high earning women had posted she would have been told to protect her assets.

What did you bring to the table? You moved in and and now expect him to subsidise you