To ask how generous your OH's are and to wonder whether my DP is tight?!

[Frustrated01]

I'm aware this post will make me seem mercenery; but it's really not about money, more about attitude and thoughtfulness.

Together 4 years, live together in his house. He is a 'high earner' (earns 3 x my salary) He pays the mortgage (as its his house) and a couple of bills, I pay the rest of the bills, buy all the food and do all of the cooking and cleaning.

We take it in turns to pay when we go out, but it is mostly me as I always feel guilty that his outgoings for the house are probably more than mine.

Over the past couple of weeks, it has been an unfortunate coincidence that a lot of my friends have had big birthdays and nearly all of their partners have taken them away or for a weekend break or, TBH just been NICE and treated them.

All the girls at work seem to have lovely DPs who take them out to dinner on a Friday night or occasionally just do something nice for them, just because? I saw one of my friends the other night and she said that she is going to New York in November, for her 30th, as a present from her DP as he knows she's always wanted to go. I honestly just sat there thinking how lovely that was and how pigs would literally fly before my boyfriend ever did anything like that for me.

In the four years we have been going out, he has never once taken me for a night away, a weekend away or a holiday (and YES I have done all of these things for him before anyone says anything) If we go out for dinner or to the cinema or anything it's nearly always me that suggests it and then again everything is mostly split exactly 50/50

Every year for my birthday or Christmas he just says 'What do you want for your birthday/ Christmas?' I always feel bad saying anything really in case he thinks it's too expensive so normally just say 'A bottle of perfume' and there it is, wrapped up, a bottle of perfume. Don't get me wrong, it's what I asked for, but where is the thought?! Where is the romance?! And God forbid he should spend more than £50 on me.

Last year he wanted to go on a scuba diving holiday (we're both quite keen divers) I had just bought a new car and honestly just didn't have the money....so he went on his own. My friends and my mum blew up and said it was awful that he would rather have gone away on his own...than pay to bring his girlfriend of 4 years with him. I was upset that he went but at the end of the day, I didn't have the money so fine.

I got in the other night and told him about my friends surprise 30th New York trip, I gently 'joked' that he would never do anything like that for me and he said 'Well no, I haven't paid my mortgage off yet. Until I pay my mortgage off, extravagant gifts like that just wouldn't ever happen'

He is 30 and puts nearly £1500 per month into a savings account, he over pays on his mortgage by a vast amount each month and then the rest is his 'spending money'

I get that his approach is sensible, but for gods sake I'm not asking him to be 'extravagent' every month, I'm just saying that actually, once every couple of years it would be nice to be taken away for the weekend or for a night in a nice hotel. Just like I do for him on his birthday etc.

I know I sound unreasonable and princessey in this post. I promise I'm not, I'm just fed up of there not being any joy in life, of him going on about money all the time and banging on constantly about paying off his mortgage.

In every other way our relationship is great, he is an incredibly loving and supporting boyfriend and we are best friends. But there is just no surprise or romance- ever.

2 people in the last 2 days have asked me whether I'm sure I want to spend the rest of my life with this man, because they think although he is lovely that he is tight and mercenary.

I'm sitting here feeling really down and wondering whether he is totally right for me. But I really am not lying when I say that he is incredibly supporting and loving In other ways.

He priorities me over every one else in his life, he does anything and everything he can for me. He supports me in my hobby, comes to cheer on the side line in every single competition I've done, he fixes my car, massages my feet after a long day at work, listens to me for hours on end if I have a problem, he was my absolute rock last year when my dad was ill. He walks my dog, cooks dinner if I am on a late etc, listens endlessly to my girlfriends man problems when they come over and buys us all wine and chocolate for our girly nights, brings them tea and toast in the morning etc. Literally everything practical and emotional he is fine and a godsend, but he just doesn't make me feel 'special' in anyway. He is just one of those 'nice guys' that would literally do anything to help anyone, everyone says it and he is always going out of his way to help people efc which is one of the reasons why I love him.

I don't know. I guess that is the problem, the fact that I just don't feel that special to him, that everything he does for me I know he's probably done for his previous girlfriends and the fact that he went on holiday on his own, rather than pay to take me with him and won't ever spend any more than £50 on a present for me or reluctantly pays for meals out etc is just making it all feel a bit 'blah' and being surrounded by friends and colleagues who all seem to be wined and dined is making me feel even more meh.

SO, is he normal and my expectations are just too high? Or is he a bit tight?

Are your DPs generous?

Its unfair that you do all the cooking and cleaning - this should be split equally. However, about the holiday, I think YABU. The reason why you couldn't afford to go is not because you were down to your last tenner, but because you had just splashed out on a new car!! Did you buy him a new car at the same time? No? Why then should he pay for your holiday because you've spent all your money on an expensive car?? If you had bought a second hand car like most of us do, you could have afforded the holiday too. You have to learn to manage your money and budget for what you want.

Also, why is everyone so against the bloke protecting his assets from an unmarried partner when there are no kids?? If the woman was the higher earner and had her own house, I bet most of the people on here would be telling her to protect herself to make sure her boyfriend didn't get a claim on her asset.
OP, my advice would be to forget the extravagant things you want and to start saving the money you are saving by not paying rent. Use this money to get a buy to let property that you can rent out. Then if the relationship goes belly up, you have an asset of your own. In 2016, women have to get their own assets, and can't rely on finding a rich man.

I would have no problem really about the holiday but making you pay half every time you go to the cinema. What is that about? Surely he could just grab the two tickets when ye arrive. Its like he quite definitely wants everything to be split evenly and is actually putting thought into it. I would ask for the weekend away for my birthday as he probably isn't even thinking of it.
My dh was a much higher earner than me when we met. It wouldn't have occurred to him or me that he would pay for a holiday but he paid for meals out cinema and all that stuff regularly. He was a saver, and had his own house. I was a spender and hadn't a penny. When we married l moved into that house, he put my name on the deeds and in 30 years has never mentioned it since. He was sensible with money but generous to me and others, often giving cash gifts to his aged parents at the time.
It's the splitting everything that would ring alarm bells for me. What will he do if you are on maternity leave?
And of course doing the cleaning for a grown up man is not on. Hire a cleaner and let him pay as lm sure you will have bits of cleaning to do in between as your half share.

What's wrong with quite definitely wanting to split everything?? I agree that it should be different if you have kids, but this couple don't. I don't see how a couple with kids can be compared to people living together with no kids.

I work very hard, and have moved around to take promotions and work around 60 hours a week to earn my salary. I haven't been abroad for years and have an old banger because I'm saving to buy a flat. If I meet a man who doesn't work as hard as me and hasn't saved, and we enjoy each other's company and want to move in to see how things go, should I be expected to buy him something every time I buy myself something? Or to put his name on the deeds of my flat, when he's spent years enjoying himself while I lived frugally??

I don't believe that anyone, male or female, should rely on someone else to boost them up the standard of living ladder. If you want expensive things, get off your ass and work for them - that goes for men and woman. Get a second job, work for a promotion, retrain in a different field. Not easy, but much easier than pinning your hopes on someone who, quite rightly, wants to protect themselves, and getting upset when they don't open their wallet to you.

I'd be totally pissed off about the holiday and a bit disappointed by the lack of thought going into gifts etc but I don't think, just because he has a lot of money, he can be expected to spend it on expensive trips away.

I'm a bit like you OP in that if I've got some money, I love the idea of spending it on something like going away whereas DP is much more of a 'we must have savings' kind of guy. He's basically more sensible whereas this is the first time in my life I've earned a decent amount and have the ability to save close to £1k a month and I don't want to save it all!

Ultimately though, we make decisions about what we do or don't do together and the majority of the time, we are both happy with what we decide. Sometimes it's easier for me to just agree not to spend loads of money going out every weekend as it is important to him that there is always money in the bank and I have to respect that he feels more comfortable (he's self employed) knowing there is a cushion if we need it.

I want to go on holiday but as we've just bought our first flat, DP wants us to save money so we can do all the renovations that we plan to do. I know that we'll end up doing both in the end as he will be persuaded but I also know that he often has to be persuaded. That's just him.

He also sees absolutely no point in marriage and thinks it's a waste of money.

FWIW I think you've got an okay deal with your outgoings but that can't be a long term thing. If you're going to live and be together forever your finances do need to change and you need to either agree to pay more so you gain some legal interest in the property or look to buy together. Or something at least!

My DP is exactly the same, hates spending money, I have to suggest going out and pay 70% of the time and don't get me started on presents so YANBU imo

I wouldn't be worrying about the treats but I would be concerned that you are funding his ability to pay his mortgage off. If you split you will have nothing. If he is not prepared to put u on mortgage or buy property together you need to reduce your payments to him and start saving towards your own place even if you decide to rent it out. He is not at all concerned with your financial security so you muat start thinking about you.

"He also sees absolutely no point in marriage and thinks it's a waste of money."

It costs about £100 to go down the registry office and get the legal protections marriage gives you.

Fair enough if you think weddings are a waste of money; but marriage? Depends on whether you need protecting or not.

What's wrong with quite definitely wanting to split everything?? I agree that it should be different if you have kids, but this couple don't. I don't see how a couple with kids can be compared to people living together with no kids

But she may well sleep walk into having kids with him, and chances are she will end in the situations highlighted.

Ultimately its up to the op. But it needs laying out infront of her.

I agree she needs her own assets and her own saving regardless of this relationship. But the way its going at the moment that isn't happening.

I'm not sure this relationship is working for her anyway. She's expressed a lack of joy, and already feels beholden to him. I don't think she is after his money, just and equally thoughtful partnership.
She likes to go out, and treating her partner. He doesn't and isn't into treating her. Fine if you are both on the same wave length, but if you aren't then there will be resentment on both sides.

He's also already showing what he thinks a womens roll is, by the way he went about the cleaning.

I don't think there's anything wrong with protecting your capital assets.

But there is a difference between doing that and being miserly in your day to day life.

For me, what the OP has described goes over the "reasonable protection of long term assets" into "mean bastard" territory.

The question, why should you pay for someone else to go with you on holiday, or to buy them a new car, is an interesting one, because it's right on that line, isn't it?

I think it depends on whether you are in a relationship with someone and can afford to do it with no adverse impact to your own finances. If I was rolling in it and wanted a holiday with a friend or lover who couldn't afford it, I'd pay for them (less spending money) because why on earth wouldn't I? I guess I'd also feel slightly more obligated in the case of a partner, because there is more of an implication that you share resources with a partner (even if only the day to day ones, rather than capital assets).

Also the question of a holiday is psychologically different than that of a car, because it's an experience while a car is an asset. The money spent may be the same, but there's a difference in how it's viewed, IYSWIM. The question's academic for me, but it's not for the OP's DP and he's come down on the "meh... bit mean" side of the line. Which is his right, but it's not attractive and it doesn't speak of him wanting to build up happy memories and a long term, growing, developing relationship with the OP.

This stuff is subjective, but what isn't, is that the OP is enabling her DP to protect his assets and donating her free labour to cleaning and tidying them, while failing to build up any of her own.

Oh god that's the thing about misers isn't it - their sheer bloody joylessness.

Personally I couldn't be with someone like this. I'd feel as if I were subsidising them by paying all the bills. He builds equity in his home and puts away savings, and if you break up then you're the one left looking for a houseshare. Plus I'd stop being his skivvy.

It's not even about the trips abroad and big surprises and stuff. It's just that he seems to be putting money away for his future, and that doesn't seem to include you. All the foot rubs in the world don't make up for that. For God's sake don't get pregnant until you're married or have sorted out some sort of financial agreement.

Ask - I should've said 'wedding' but I do actually think he has an issue with marriage due to his parent's relationship - his brothers are the same.

I have pointed out that a wedding can be as cheap as you want to make it but I'm not that bothered about being married.

"It's just that he seems to be putting money away for his future, and that doesn't seem to include you."

That's it exactly. That's what's so wrong with this situation.

I agree that he is just mean and tight to the core. I also don't think it will stop when he pays off his mortgage, it's clearly absolutely ingrained in him. I know people like this and it's their biggest trait, and it's such a horrible one.

So both are paying money into their life - but his goes into his mortgage and so he gets that asset,and hers goes into day to day expenses - so he can stash money way in his house?
Cannot understand either how/ why someone in a living together level relationship would go on a holiday to do an activity their partner also wanted to do - but go on their own because the partner couldn't afford it.That is mean - if you both want to do it either you can afford for you both to do it,or you can't and don't go. Separate holidays sometimes for things only one wants to do,fair enough,but this???
And wouldn't you want your partner there,enjoying the mutual interest with you?

He is clearly telling you and showing you that you are not his first priority in life; his money is. Foot rubs and dog walking aren't costing him anything are they?

My DH used to go on a few days away each year to a particular sporting event with his friends, after we got married he stopped going so often and now I can't remember the last time he went. It's not because he/ we can't afford it but because he said he would rather put the money towards a holiday for the two of us.

I could only spend the rest of my life with someone if I thought we were in a partnership. Your OH sounds like someone who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.

The thing is whether he is tight or not you are not happy about the situation
My mother told me not to marry a tight man or my life would be miserable .

BTW OP- This man is not interested in settling down with you.

Has he put your name down on the mortgage/house?

What if one day he breaks up with you (surprised he has't proposed after 4 years... but that's another story) and he is left with a mortgage-free house and you with nothing?

'Also, why is everyone so against the bloke protecting his assets from an unmarried partner when there are no kids??'

No one is, except that a) she wants marriage and he 'isn't bothered' and b) his ability to protect his asset is partially based on the money she pays.

50/50 on everything is fine for flatmates, colleagues, friends. But it's mean in a partnership where there's a big disparity in incomes. And it's telling how he's not 50/50 when it comes to the cleaning.

Time to be a grown up. You need assets too so start paying into a mortgage, either his, move out and your own, or a rental. He can't clean? Bullshit. He earns three times as much as you, he can clean or he can pay a cleaner, or, my personal suggestion, he pays you. Because you are saving him time and money. And you aren't his wife and I don't think you ever will be so start valuing yourself.

You are throwing money away right now while he saves and uses your labour.

so he has a housekeeper who PAYS him to live in the house?
Wow, he has his cake and eats it doesn't he.

Notice how the financial arrangements and domestic task allocation all favours him and him doing whatever he wants.
You get whatever he's prepared to dish out, but you won't ever get what you want because he doesn't view you as a person.
You are his servant and way to get mortgage free.
He's taking you for a mug.

I think so far people have been very kind about this man.

He's a cunt and if I thought a friend treated their DP (ether sex) like this if drop them like a hot potato

@ThymeForTea bit excessive. Sounds like a nice partner just very careful with money.

There is no imperative that because one person earns more that they 'treat' the other. Nice if they do but doesn't make them a bad person if they don't. OP sounds a little princessy to me.