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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect DH to organise his daughters birthday?

133 replies

Evilstepmum01 · 19/08/2016 20:54

FFS! DSD birthday this weekend, I;ve been asking DH all week what he has planned. Just asked me what I'm doing? Er....no! Sorry, I organised our DS's birthday, I told him last month this was up to him to organise. Apparently, according to him, this is the first I've mentioned it!
I have taken a step back from DSD since her mum was more of an arse than usual and explained this to DH.
Apologies for the rant, he's doing my head in with 'Whats wrong with you?' wtf-nothings wrong, just get your shit together please!!!

OP posts:
Crunchymum · 20/08/2016 08:36

This really is a conundrum for me as I abhor things like this being left to the woman to sort out but I feel so sorry for the child involved.

If it was his mum or dad or sister I'd be inclined to agree 'his family, he deals with it' but for an 8 year old child I'd suck it up.

Crunchymum · 20/08/2016 08:41

Agree that first post is misleading. Makes it sound like dsd was going to have her birthday totally ignored.

Presents, treat (dinner out or whatever) and separate treat with mum is more than enough.

Kids don't need an actual party but they do need some fuss, special treatment and to know it is their special day.

MeAndMy3LovelyBoys · 20/08/2016 09:09

Last year, my ex wanted me to put up his daughter's banners, wrap her presents and even write her card. This was at about 11pm and I was knackered and wanted to go to bed after a long day, whereas he was wide awake sat playing on his PlayStation. I had been waiting since his daughter had gone to bed for him to make a start, but clearly he was leaving it all to me.
I would usually wrap presents, put banners up, blow up balloons, etc... But I was knackered and fed up with him taking the piss when it came to his daughter. So I thought this would be a good opportunity to make him take responsibility for something regarding her for once rather than leaving it to me. So I left him to it, hoping that by morning he'd have sorted it all out! If he hadn't then he would have had himself to blame. He did sort it but not without sending me a few text messages about how pissed off he was with me.
He claimed he "isn't good at doing stuff like that". Hmm

Lunar1 · 20/08/2016 09:53

3lovelyboys, the best choice you ever made was leaving that man. Is it wrong that I'd love to be a fly on the wall watching him cope alone with his 4 children?

JudyCoolibar · 20/08/2016 15:37

She's 8. You're happy with her birthday being "a bit crap"?

Clearly OP isn't saying that. She simply wants the child's father to be the one that stops it being a bit crap.

Amelie10 · 20/08/2016 15:44

Yanbu, I don't blame you for wanting to not be involved in planning any birthday celebration. Yes she's 8yo and a child, but you will get no thanks and most likely cause more problems for you. As you said you have your own ds to focus on. The dsd has a mum and dad to sort her stuff out.

smileyhappypeople · 20/08/2016 15:55

I don't really get why you are passing the book to her dad!
If her mum is arranging something and then you are arranging separate then surely you would do the same as you would for your son?
I get wanting your dh to help/not leave it all up to you but you married him knowing he had a child and so therefore you do for her what you do for your son for things like this.
If you are moaning that he just doesn't help in general and you felt the same with your sons birthday then fair enough but if your issue is only your issue because she isn't your real daughter then you are being an evil stepmother!

HeddaLettuce · 20/08/2016 16:07

You've got that arseways. She isn't passing the BUCK at all, she's refusing to have it passed to her.

clam · 20/08/2016 16:21

Another MN thread that started off (until the Sane Brigade arrived) re-iterating the old adage, "a stepmother's place is in the wrong."

AskBasil · 20/08/2016 18:13

smileyhappypeople, you sound like a Stepford wife.

Why is it the OP's job to do the domestic labour and her DH's job only to "help"?

Why isn't it his job to do the domestic labour and her role to be merely the helper?

loobyloonymoony · 20/08/2016 18:26

IME step mums can't do right for doing fucking wrong on MN.
Are most of the posters fucking bitter ex wives?? Angry

Beelzebop · 20/08/2016 18:40

I've been thinking about this. My natural response was to say do it just to make sure the child is not upset, but I understand why you are all saying it's up to the dad. Dads do get away with not doing stuff and their DP ends up sorting it, some obvs not all! It is unfair on you OP that he assumes you should do it all.

MeAndMy3LovelyBoys · 20/08/2016 18:50

If you are moaning that he just doesn't help in general and you felt the same with your sons birthday then fair enough but if your issue is only your issue because she isn't your real daughter then you are being an evil stepmother!

Perhaps she doesn't really have an issue with solely arranging her son's birthday and as a mum she sees it as her duty and gets a lot of enjoyment out of it? Perhaps she sees it as her DP's job to sort his daughter's birthday out. I get he should be helping with their DS's birthday too, but I think he should take the lead with arranging and sorting out his daughter's birthday and the OP be there to help if he needs it. He should be the one doing all the planning and be the one that does all the stressing out/running around/making the huge fuss and effort for his child, and he can't be arsed making the effort then is it really the OP's job to do so? Why is she the evil stepmum and why is it all her fault?

ForFiveMinutes · 20/08/2016 19:31

If you are a step mum whatever you do will be wrong, I blame Disney films for always making us evil. Yes you can do all the childcare, running around, party organising etc etc you would do for your own dc but god forbid you should then actually dare express any opinion on anything relating to them. Then you are an interfering cow, can't tell them what to do, trying to cause trouble, shall I go on?
But back to the thread, why is everyone so quick to condemn the OP because her DH can't be arsed to do something regardless of whose child it is? He needs a swift kick up the rear end I'd say

clam · 20/08/2016 20:49

Can someone explain to me why, when we're presented with a clear example of shite parenting on behalf of this child's father, posters on here see fit to blame the OP, presumably on account of the fact she's a woman?

user7755 · 20/08/2016 21:04

I don't think you're wrong about DH and the party but the snidey comments about pretend daddies is IMO unpleasant.

But I've learned from MN that people have all sorts of different ideas about what being a step parent means. I just find it a bit depressing.

Mammylamb · 20/08/2016 22:40

Why the fuck should the op be getting the hard time on here.? Because she is a woman and therefore by default responsible for all of that stuff. It should be the child's father that should be sorting stuff out!

missm0use · 21/08/2016 00:11

Sounds like your DH is being a lazy dickhead. Was it his idea to give DSD a party and then dump all the actual work of planning and preparing the party on you and him to claim all the glory of throwing her a party?

Defiantly take a step back and let DH deal with the fallout of his inability to pull finger out his arse!

Have no idea how your DH's inability to provide a party for his daughter is a failing of yours! As usual it's always the mother / stepmothers fault for not providing the children when the father doesn't step up to his parenting responsibilities.

CodyKing · 21/08/2016 00:37

I doubt they realise the work involved in organising a party - time money or effort

He'll no doubt be too stressed out to enjoy it, and wonder why DD never said thanks

I agree OP it's not your responsibility - let him handle it - you rock up and take the pics -

Enjoy

Original poster
Evilstepmum01 · 21/08/2016 10:52

I could bore you to tears with the back story here: DSD's DM running off with boyf leaving DH with DSD (before I met him), DM going abroad on holiday without DSD (she "needed a break from DSD")-she has joint custody, DM trying to split us up/control our lives/dictate to us what we're doing with DSD to exclude DS.........so the occasional snidey comment from me is restrained i think.
I stepped in, but that was wrong. I stepped out. Also wrong! Step-parents cant win!!
DH and I have organised a nice family day without too much stress and involving wine for me! Kids will have great fun, hopefully! :)

OP posts:
AppleSetsSail · 21/08/2016 11:23

I think the problem here is that you seem to have different household arrangements for your step-daughter than your son.

I can agree this has to be the case in some circumstances because obviously you're not her mother - but if you arrange your son's party then I think it's a bit silly to cast this as a feminist or gender role issue where the fathers get off the hook.

madgingermunchkin · 21/08/2016 12:00

Apple she gets accused of interfering when she does get involved, and has been asking him for weeks what he has planned for her birthday

It's not like she's suddenly decided last minute that actually she just doesn't want to do it. I'm sure if he'd said "Well I'm planning A, would you mind getting X and Y wen your out next week that would be great thanks" the OP wouldn't have minded.

LagunaBubbles · 21/08/2016 12:12

Any threats from Step Mums attract posters with their own issues and/or agendas, seen it so many times. It really doesn't matter what they say they will always be in the wrong.

LagunaBubbles · 21/08/2016 12:13

Threads!

jacks11 · 21/08/2016 13:12

I think the DH is the main villain of this piece- he should be stepping up and doing the organising for his DD. He is being an arse and I think OP should be having a long chat with him about shirking his responsibilities and generally being a bit of an arse. Hopefully he'll take the point and try to do better in the future.

I agree women should not have all the responsibility of housework/organising family life and so on- if you are in a partnership then both parties have to take their share of the responsibility for family life and domestic chores.

I also recognise being a step-parent is a difficult path to negotiate and sometimes you can't do right for doing wrong.

All of that said, I think it's a bit hard on an 8 year old to miss out because her dad's been a bit of an arse so I would probably read DH the riot act and then help organise something so she didn't have "a pretty crap day". No, the OP does not have any specific responsibilities towards her DSD and does not under any obligation to do anything for her and so forth- but I think I would want an 8 year old to feel wanted and included in our side of her blended family and not just a tag along to her father who is tolerated but not valued. I totally agree that this is largely down to her father to make sure this happens, but step-mum also has a role too, surely?

Also, what's this about cancelling her birthday treat as the DS had a party offer? This seems a bit unfair on DSD, if true. I saw OP's post that she had the days wrong (which is indeed an easy mistake to make) so it's not an issue and they have re-instated their family day, which is nice. OPs point about "only being human" by getting dates mixed up seems to me to miss the point though- why should the DSD's birthday treat be cancelled because her DS had an invite to another party? Her birthday is more important than OPs DS's friends birthday, I would have thought. This whole aspect makes me wonder if there are deeper problems in this than the OP feeling put upon by her DH with regards her DSDs birthday party.