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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect DH to organise his daughters birthday?

133 replies

Evilstepmum01 · 19/08/2016 20:54

FFS! DSD birthday this weekend, I;ve been asking DH all week what he has planned. Just asked me what I'm doing? Er....no! Sorry, I organised our DS's birthday, I told him last month this was up to him to organise. Apparently, according to him, this is the first I've mentioned it!
I have taken a step back from DSD since her mum was more of an arse than usual and explained this to DH.
Apologies for the rant, he's doing my head in with 'Whats wrong with you?' wtf-nothings wrong, just get your shit together please!!!

OP posts:
HeddaLettuce · 19/08/2016 22:36

Yes, it would be nice if her parents did something for her. But if someone else does it for them, they are allowing the parents to be shit. Accomodating them in their shitness, in fact.

madgingermunchkin · 19/08/2016 22:36

I never had a party as a kid.

She's getting presents and a day out with you, and a spa day with her mother. Why does she need any more than that?

And for what it's worth, your husband is being a cock.

BertrandRussell · 19/08/2016 22:39

Well, she was going to have a day out with the OP, her dad and her step brother, until the step brother got a better offer.........

Original poster
Evilstepmum01 · 19/08/2016 22:39

bairnsangs it sucks eh? A thankless job but worth it! This blended family thing is hard work sometimes! (I know, I know I chose it when I married him). I am so tired, I work 6 days a week and her bday is my one day with DS so I am making an effort!!

It'll be fine, I'm just cross and have run out of wine.

OP posts:
PiSeas · 19/08/2016 22:40

Why should evil organise anything matilda, she's NOT her daughter. Please don'tbill them like, roses suggests Hmm even if it was a joke hopefully

It's up to the parents.
However, DP does come about arseholy beause he has not been the best father he could've been.

Bitofacow · 19/08/2016 22:40

Well I thought I was a bitofacow but well done Bertrand, sleep well.

Original poster
Evilstepmum01 · 19/08/2016 22:43

Bertrandrussell keep up

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 19/08/2016 22:45

"Well I thought I was a bitofacow but well done Bertrand, sleep well."

I think that the girl's dad should have organized her birthday and is utterly out of order to have expected the OP to do it.

In fact, I would have been completely on the OP's side once I realized that presents had been bought. Then I heard about the day out being cancelled because the other child got a better offer......

PiSeas · 19/08/2016 22:46

bert RTFT

Postchildrenpregranny · 19/08/2016 22:46

I'm just amazed that anyone would take an 8 year old to a spa ...

leopardgecko · 19/08/2016 22:48

I am a foster carer and so have looked after many children whose parents have (to put it mildly) not given them a good time for their birthdays. Amongst the horror of the lives they sometimes have lived in, you would think this would not matter so much, but it does, it truly does. They go to school hear about other's birthdays and it hurts them so much that they do not have the same thing, do not have a party. OP, I realise this does not apply to your little step daughter, I did want to let you know how "a crap birthday" will often be remembered and hurt them like hell. One of the foster children I look after at present was recently asked by her social worker if there was anything she wanted, and all she said was "a birthday party" (it isn't her birthday for months yet).

AskBasil · 19/08/2016 22:49

"To be blunt and this is not right, but in my experience it is often the women who organise the parties."

Why do you think that is?

I know why I think it is. I think it's because it's a bit of a PITA and men can't be bothered. It's boring, it's tedious, it's a PITA and why should they be burdened with it, when there are people with vaginas available, whose job it is to sort this shit out and who are prepared to put their children's feelings above their own unwillingness to do this job. Unlike men.

WTF is wrong with you people, do you really think women are men's servants?

Oh, yes, sorry, I forgot, you do.

Hmm
Bitofacow · 19/08/2016 22:52

Well as long as you think you have a good reason for being snarky that makes it absolutely fine. No one minds passive aggressive comments if they come from a good place. A nice warm comment to help someone in a difficult situation. Helpful. Kind. Compassionate.

Or not?

HeddaLettuce · 19/08/2016 22:53

hen I heard about the day out being cancelled because the other child got a better offer

Where did you hear that then? Because if you actually check out the source that assessment is not very accurate.

SpecialAgentFreyPie · 19/08/2016 22:58

Evil wanted to apologise for instantly believing another poster about the mix up as a 'better offer.' I'm cranky and I apologise Flowers

What exactly is your H's reason for not organising the party? Does she even 'need' one given she's got gifts and a treat day with her mum? Wtf tkes an 8 year old to a spa, anyway?

NotAnotherHarlot · 19/08/2016 23:03

I once insisted that my then H organise a birthday party for our daughter. And by that I mean book venue, send invites. I still did cake, venue choosing, party bags, catering. He nearly had a breakdown.

And he booked the wrong kind of party on the wrong day. I had to a lot of damage control. Women need to STOP taking responsibility for everything. The bastards count on us not letting the children suffer.

OP YANBU. The child has 2 parents to coordinate and organise something. If her Dad wanted her to have a party he should have got off his arse and sorted one out.

RebelRogue · 19/08/2016 23:07

I love how everyone just assumed in the beginning that is some poor,forgotten,neglected child with nothing at all for her bday,no prezzies,no cake,no fuss no nothing,and evil op shirking her responsibilities and being so cruel. I wonder why? Something tells me stepmum might have something to do it...just saying

NotAnotherHarlot · 19/08/2016 23:08

Oh and if anyone can tell me how female children are born knowing how to organise kids parties and male children aren't I'd be delighted to know!

I'm pretty sure parents do some research, learn from others, ask the child, discuss it and lo a party is created. AMAZING how men can research and learn important things but not how to make their child's birthday joyful cos it's wimmin's work innit.

nolongersurprised · 19/08/2016 23:12

Men are only shit at organising parties because they don't do it. I was shit at organising parties until I had to do it over and over again. Your DH needs to do it, or a precedent will be set and you will do it every single time.

FoxesSitOnBoxes · 20/08/2016 06:34

Sorry Rebel but maybe people jumped to the no prezzies no cake no fuss thing because the first post doesn't mention them. Not because of any weird prejudice

MeAndMy3LovelyBoys · 20/08/2016 06:41

YANBU. I hope he gets out in that rain today and gets his bum to the supermarket to buy a cake etc... You shouldn't be doing it for him!

KoalaDownUnder · 20/08/2016 06:57

Utterly bizarre that some posters think '8 is too old for a party', a spa day is considered appropriate (wtf), and the OP prefers to be the child's friend.

She is EIGHT.

Yes, her father should organise the party. But fucking hell, no wonder children are growing up too fast.

Really weird.

GoblinLittleOwl · 20/08/2016 07:55

I wish some of you divorced/ step parents could be flies on the classroom wall on a Monday morning and listen to the step children discussing their weekends. They are well aware of all the tensions going on around them, and stoic in their acceptance of always being second best.
They are children and had no choice over their situation; you are (supposedly ) adults.

Lunar1 · 20/08/2016 08:13

Sorry but I don't see how the info from the other thread was unreliable. It was from what the op posted herself. She said we can't really do as we planned now as ds has a party invite and they have to be back at a certain time.

Surely if she has managed to rearrange that as she said here they could just go back to the original plan for her birthday. A lovely day out being fussed over is perfect.

KellyBoo800 · 20/08/2016 08:31

I'm really disappointed in all the earlier posts suggesting OP should arrange something herself - if she has enough time to do it, then so does her DH. And it is his child! I'm guessing what's made it worse is the expectation by her DH that she will just do it.

I take the lead on organising DSD's birthday activities because I love to do so but my DH knows not to simply expect/assume anything from me in terms of caring for his daughter (unless it's something we've already discussed i.e. I do two school runs a week and cook her meals because I love to cook). He wouldn't expect me to do baths or bedtime or any childcare if he has to work on her weekends with us; her care is his responsibility and that involves ASKING for these things if he is unable to do them himself. I'll put her to bed if asked. I'll give her a bath if asked. But I hate the expectation that stepmothers will just assume all responsibility the second a ring is on their finger!

OP do not cave on this. There is time for your DH to make arrangements so do not let him guilt you into doing it yourself!

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