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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to am i being unreasonable to say a big fat NO to ex?

58 replies

mummyneedssupport · 19/08/2016 20:21

Ex has moved 3 hours away after promising to get a house locally so that he can see the kids for his '4 nights a month'. Now he wants to stay in my house when I'm away and look after our kids there. BIG FAT NO!! I have worked hard to create a new identity in the house and I don't want to have the kids associating him with our space. He says that if I say no, he won't be able to have them if they refuse to travel to him on the train on his weekends. Please tell me that I'm right to stick to my guns and keep my space mine with the kids? He is, btw very well off and could easily afford a flat near us at the least for the sake of his relationship with our kids.
Argh....

OP posts:
ollieplimsoles · 19/08/2016 20:22

What do the kids think?

ThatStewie · 19/08/2016 20:23

Say no. It's your house. Not a hotel.

tupperwareAARGGH · 19/08/2016 20:24

He's a prick and unreasonable. He moved he needs to sort out how he picks up the children etc and where he stays with them.

You will of course get loads of people telling you how unreasonable you are being and that you are not putting your kids first by not facilitating this contact blah blah blah. It is MN after all.

Original poster
mummyneedssupport · 19/08/2016 20:25

They don't want to travel. I want them to have a relationship with him but I don't want him in my house. I let him stay on occasions before to look after them when I was away. He slept in my bed and not the spare room, left the house in a mess and would leave the kids in bed and just go out! Maybe it's better him being away.....

OP posts:
SunshineOutdoors · 19/08/2016 20:26

Could he hire a cottage near you for a few days and take the kids on a holiday there?

Original poster
mummyneedssupport · 19/08/2016 20:27

Also, he let the kids have a day off school because it was 'too much effort to wake them '. FFS!!

OP posts:
SunshineOutdoors · 19/08/2016 20:27

Yanbu btw

SeaCabbage · 19/08/2016 20:28

STick to your guns. He will spoil the new feeling you have about your house. Ugh!

Hopefully he will do the right thing and sort something out locally for them. Arsehole!

ivykaty44 · 19/08/2016 20:28

Stick to your guns

He is using the DC as a lever and trying to guilt trip you.

If he doesn't want to make his own arrangements to see DC that's his call not yours.

Repeat often

You make your own arrangements to see DC, if you don't see them it's your choice I'm not getting involved.

Repeat often

ollieplimsoles · 19/08/2016 20:28

He sounds like a moron, sleeping in your bed?! Ugh, he needs to get his arse in a train, pick his kids up and ride back with them.

TondelayaDellaVentamiglia · 19/08/2016 20:28

tell him to get to fuck...chancer!

he has made his choices, he must resolve the issues.

Original poster
mummyneedssupport · 19/08/2016 20:28

The kids are 16 and 13 and want to see him, but not have an intense 24/7 time with him. They want to dip in and out...hence a local house being the promised solution 🙁

OP posts:
AliceInHinterland · 19/08/2016 20:28

Agree he has to hire somewhere locally. You should not be mopping up the consequences of his decisions.

WatchingFromTheWings · 19/08/2016 20:29

Hell no! YANBU!

coconutpie · 19/08/2016 20:29

I remember your previous thread - assuming it was you who wrote about the ex sleeping in your bed, etc?

Do NOT let that twat into your home. No. He's only trying to control you. Tell him if he wants to see the DC then he needs to sort it out himself and he will not be entering your home to do so.

MatildaTheCat · 19/08/2016 20:29

Air b'n'b. YANBU.

TheWeeBabySeamus1 · 19/08/2016 20:30

It's not his house anymore, it's your domain, your personal space and he has no right to encroach on it.

He made the decision to move away not you, it's on him to work out the logistics of it - like its on you to juggle child care/work on the 26 days a month they're in your care.

Stick to your guns, you don't want to end up in a situation where he's coming and going from your home as he pleases. It blurs boundaries and makes moving on with your life so much harder.

Allalonenow · 19/08/2016 20:30

YANBU
He can stay in a nearby hotel for his contact period, no need for the children to travel to him.

Original poster
mummyneedssupport · 19/08/2016 20:31

He underpays me maintenance and is trying to get to his '52 nights' level or he will owe me loads. I'm tired after all his games but he's living with a new gf and her kids in a £1m house. He says that if they won't travel, it's not his fault and be owes me nothing 🙁

OP posts:
Missgraeme · 19/08/2016 20:32

He can book a B&B!! (would say a caravan but he prob park it in your street!!)

Original poster
mummyneedssupport · 19/08/2016 20:34

I don't think I have talked about him sleeping in my bed before, but that could have been a wine night and I've forgotten, lol!

OP posts:
FontSnob · 19/08/2016 20:36

Nope nope nope. My ex has DD at our house after school one day a week. I can't stand it but I suck it up for DD. Wish I hadn't started it though.

Original poster
mummyneedssupport · 19/08/2016 20:36

It's nice to know that many agree that I'm entitled to say no...I just feel guilty that he will continue, as a result, to take his fatherly responsibilities less and less seriously.

OP posts:
TheGruffaloMother · 19/08/2016 20:36

YADNBU. Not getting in the way of contact is one thing but opening up your home for your ex's use would be fucking insane. Tell him to put his hand in his pocket and stay elsewhere.

Original poster
mummyneedssupport · 19/08/2016 20:40

Feeling more empowered now with the Mumsnet girls behind me!Wink

OP posts:
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