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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to am i being unreasonable to say a big fat NO to ex?

58 replies

mummyneedssupport · 19/08/2016 20:21

Ex has moved 3 hours away after promising to get a house locally so that he can see the kids for his '4 nights a month'. Now he wants to stay in my house when I'm away and look after our kids there. BIG FAT NO!! I have worked hard to create a new identity in the house and I don't want to have the kids associating him with our space. He says that if I say no, he won't be able to have them if they refuse to travel to him on the train on his weekends. Please tell me that I'm right to stick to my guns and keep my space mine with the kids? He is, btw very well off and could easily afford a flat near us at the least for the sake of his relationship with our kids.
Argh....

OP posts:
wheresthel1ght · 19/08/2016 20:44

He is a twunt! Yadnbu!

He moved so he has to facilitate contact.

Why don't your kids want to spend time with him though? That would be my bigger concern!

Xenadog · 19/08/2016 20:46

His shit parenting decisions are not your responsibility. No he can't stay at yours and I would be going after the full maintenance to make sure he pays what he owes for his children.

MsVestibule · 19/08/2016 20:47

Absolutely no way would I agree to this. I'd be reluctant even if our relationship was amicable.

I'm not fully au fait with the CMS(?), but I can't imagine that the 'I moved away but the kids won't travel to see me so I don't owe anything as I'm available to look after them 52 nights pa' would wash WRT to reducing/not increasing maintenance!! And if he's in your home, you'd be buying their food/electric etc (and probably his), so why would he get a reduction anyway?

Hope my jumbled thoughts make sense...

TheWeeBabySeamus1 · 19/08/2016 20:47

Surely the CMS wouldn't lower the rates if the overnight contact is taking place in your home rather than his? It's your gas, electric, food, toiletries etc being used so the cost would remain the same for you. Maybe say this to him and see if he's still so keen to have them for 4 nights in your home.

Original poster
mummyneedssupport · 19/08/2016 20:47

He's always bought them stuff but doesn't know them. When they were young he played golf. Never helped educationally. Called them names to me when they frustrated him....he doesn't know how to be a dad. Yet now he is playing daddy to his gf's twin 6 year old girls. Grrrrr.

OP posts:
TheWeeBabySeamus1 · 19/08/2016 20:47

X-post with MsVestibule

DietCockBreak · 19/08/2016 20:50

Why the FUCK does he think he'd be welcome to sleep in your house? No, was polite as fuck. FUCK OFF would've been my response to that.

ivykaty44 · 19/08/2016 20:51

Don't even suggest a solution, such as hotel or cottage ( though jumping of a cliff may be allowed)

Don't get involved, it's not your issue. Leave him to sort out his parenting arrangements.

TheWeeBabySeamus1 · 19/08/2016 20:52

Oh they're all amazing and generous and patient with the new gfs children. Because it's a novelty, it enamours them to their new partner and because they know deep down that they're not actually their responsibility and they'll get more "praise" for it than they would if they were their own children.

redexpat · 19/08/2016 20:55

My understanding of contact is that you as the RP are supposed to make them available for contact to happen, and the rest is up to the NRP. He sounds like a bell end and you're well rid.

Mummyme1987 · 19/08/2016 21:01

If he's in your house and the kids aren't sleeping anywhere but your house then he isn't actually having them. From the cms point of view he's visiting he house, not having them. Tell him that any nights at your house don't count towards the 52 nights as the kids are at your home.

Mummyme1987 · 19/08/2016 21:01

It's not where he is that matters from the cms point of view but where the kids are!

Mummyme1987 · 19/08/2016 21:03

It's your house so you are supporting them by providing the roof over their head etc.

Mummyme1987 · 19/08/2016 21:04

Bet he changes his mind when you tell him it doesn't count!

DecaffCoffeeAndRollupsPlease · 19/08/2016 21:05

Why should he be allowed in your house? He needs to organise his own place for looking after the children.

JacquettaWoodville · 19/08/2016 21:06

Of course yanbu. Your house, not his. And of course it doesn't get him out of paying CM

Original poster
mummyneedssupport · 19/08/2016 21:11

Thank you....you've made me smile and I feel really supported. I don't know how I've been so calm throughout everything....it's just that now I would like an occasional weekend off from responsibilities and also knowing that they were forging a relationship with their dad. I guess I can't force either party. Maybe mums just think differently to some (not all, obvs) dads. Just makes me sad x

OP posts:
JellyBelli · 19/08/2016 21:14

No. And you are not being unreasonable.

Original poster
mummyneedssupport · 19/08/2016 21:15

There's only me to look after them unless they have a sleepover at friends houses....my family can't help and my mum passed away. Ex's mum isn't any help at all and is 2 hours away. The kids are growing up and will be more independent in a couple of years...and we are very close, so I'll keep with the big fat NO and what will be will be 😊

OP posts:
midcenturymodern · 19/08/2016 21:16

YANBU

I thought friends ex was bad for having a massive shit in her en suite every time he picked his kids up but at least he never tried to sleep in her bed.

Original poster
mummyneedssupport · 19/08/2016 21:18

Love your user name dietcockbreak!!

OP posts:
Aussiemum78 · 19/08/2016 21:20

3 hours away and he could just come for the day.

Original poster
mummyneedssupport · 19/08/2016 21:21

Midcenturymodern....he's done that too. 'sigh'.

OP posts:
Original poster
mummyneedssupport · 19/08/2016 21:24

If he comes for a day he tries to count that as a night when working out maintenance....they are back with me by 8pm so I can't do anything or go away. The kids are glad to be home too! They will always be my priority Smile

OP posts:
FontSnob · 19/08/2016 21:32

Haha my ex also has to shit every time he's here. Twat.