To have told my DH I just don't want more bloody lingerie?

[aurynne]

Let's start by saying I have never liked lingerie. In the very occasional time I have used it, it was for my DH's benefit, because I know he finds me very hot in it, but it really does nothing for me. I find it uncomfortable, itchy and non-practical. It gets into my crack. Its usually too tight. It gets caught everywhere.

My DH and I have been together for 7 years. He travels quite frequently. Every time he comes back from a trip he excitedly tells me he has something for me... 8 times out of 10 it will be a bloody piece of lingerie. First couple of times I acted excited about it. Next 4-5 times I was a bit meh, not showing a lot of enthusiasm in the hopes he would get the message. I now have a bag full of pieces of unused or once-used pieces of quite expensive lingerie. A bloody waste of money and fabric!

But the hints obviously didn't work. My Dh is just back from spending a week in the US for work. He came back today and brought me... surprise, surprise! Another bloody piece of lingerie.

It's got to the point every time he comes home and I see another bloody Victoria's Secret or Anne Summers bag my heart sinks, it is a massive put off for me, so in fact it is having exactly the opposite effect he is intending.

So this time I decided this could not go for longer. I was honest and said I was grateful for the present and it was so nice of him to think of me, but really, I had never liked lingerie. I told him I felt it was really not a present for me but for himself, and I would be much happier with a box of chocolates (I am a chocoholic, so no way of going wrong with that!). I also love books. I love all type of clothes (tops, trousers, coats)... except for lingerie! I love to try different kinds of coffee. I love wine, and Baileys. So not really that hard to find thinks I like.

He got massively hurt and does not understand it at all. He insists he spent a long time looking for that particular piece of lingerie (it's a kind of sexy one-piece nighty thingy... which I would never ever choose myself let alone wear it) and it was really for me, not for him.

WIBU? Does anyone have any tip to lessen the blow for him now that the hurt is done, but still get the message across clearly? I just don't want another piece of lingerie, now or ever again. I'd happily burn the lot. But I do love my DH deeply, he is a lovely, lovely man. He cooks. He cleans. He is sensitive. I hate hurting him... I just do not want more fucking lingerie!

dressing up in lingerie is not an integral part of sex, but its not exactly particularly "out there" in terms of what people get excited by. It doesnt make him some sort of bastard.
Just tell him sorry darling. Im much more into tracksuits and big pants these days. Please buy me more chocolate instead.

'Just tell him sorry darling. Im much more into tracksuits and big pants these days. Please buy me more chocolate instead.'

Yes, definitely, because women who aren't into lingerie are all fat arses who dress like Waynetta Slob and wear big pants .

Im sorry your dh keeps trying to find the sort of thing that will excite you
I put it to you that he doesn't give two hoots about what excites her. The entire scenario - planning, sourcing, supplying and expecting to see her in his garments of choice - is all about what excites him.

With ddDH I just used to get into bed with just pants on, (comfy, loose, silk french knicker type), and nice smelling body lotion. If I felt like it, I'd do the whole lingerie thing. Stressing if "I" felt like it.

He never expected, or asked me to get trussed up like a xmas turkey. You've just got out the bath/shower, and don't feel like getting "dressed" again. Surely you want to feel comfy. As you said OP, feeling uncomfortable does not make good sex.

Have you considered he may have an underwear fetish, therefore needing the lingerie to get turned on? I wouldn't like that, because it's about the underwear, not you, that he's getting off on.

I prefer DH naked. That makes things a lot simpler and cheaper .

expat luckily my DH just prefers me naked. I do have some fancy lingerie, but he isn't that interested because 'I'm just going to take it all off, anyway.'

Back to the subject in hand...it's entirely possible the OP's DH gets a twisted, little kick out of knowing that his wife isn't happy wearing this lingerie. And that guilting her into wearing it feeds a little power trip for him.

Ick.

Buy your DH some nipple clamps OP, and see if he's prepared to please you.

Rattata - I think the second statement you quoted might have been me yesterday.

Wearing lingerie for your husband or partner is not necessarily "horrific" at all. Not all lingerie is of the tacky, nylon variety you know, and a man being attracted to a woman in beautiful, feminine lingerie does not make him some sort of sick pervert or controlling! I do agree that there has to be a strong level of trust and open communication here though. DH would never try and force me into anything - for instance, after DS2 I was off sex completely for nearly 3 months and he was fine with whatever I wanted. Unfortunately I think it's communication that's the problem for the OP and her DH.

Where is the OP anyway? Come back OP!

She's been arrested for statutory nuisance. She coated the neighbourhood in toxic smoke from a bonfire of polyester

a man being attracted to a woman in beautiful, feminine lingerie does not make him some sort of sick pervert

No - but it can indicate a dehumanising fetish. My XH1 was like this. Sure, all my stuff was 'tasteful' but, since he was only enthusiastic about sex with accessories, I felt he didn't much care who was inside the outfits.

I managed to drum up a parallel enthusiasm (saw myself as an object, basically, or at best as a 'model') but was getting seriously pissed off with it all by the last few years. No matter how on board I was, the inescapable truth was that he had little sexual interest in me. Only in what I symbolised while pimped up.

I'm not projecting this onto OP's story, though it is acutely relevant to the unwanted gift scenario. Just reiterating that this dressing for sex business isn't completely harmless.

Garlic - bonfire of polyester

Yes I can totally relate to what you're saying about the risk of starting to feel like an object or model. Everything has to be in moderation of course. If it's the only way the man can get off, then there's a problem.

OP: when he said he spent ages trying to find that exact thing for you, did you ask him why, and where he got the idea about that specifically and where he got the idea that you would like it? As I presume you have never ever expressed desire for one. Did that help him see it was for him, even though it is literally for you (to wear) rather than for him (to wear).

I too feel the pain of this.

Does he at least get you the right size, because for some reason he can't seem to figure out that I am not a fricking size 6 to 8. So not only is it unwanted, it also feels insulting.

I'm here! We went away for a day and I have just caught up with the thread.

*Arfarfandarf" "Ask him how often he sees you in these things. Hell take him upstairs and throw the entire collection on the bed and ask him"

start buying him some welcome home mens sexy underwear. Like thongs and things and say when I wear it I want you to wear it too and give him the whole speech. If he's like mine, it works like a charm when they feel ridiculous on their new underwear and suddenly either get t or stop bothering.

Branleuse
dressing up in lingerie is not an integral part of sex, but its not exactly particularly "out there" in terms of what people get excited by. It doesnt make him some sort of bastard.

Whatsshe0naboutnow
Wearing lingerie for your husband or partner is not necessarily "horrific" at all. Not all lingerie is of the tacky, nylon variety you know, and a man being attracted to a woman in beautiful, feminine lingerie does not make him some sort of sick pervert or controlling!

I said women seemingly having internalised the idea that it is an integral and expected part of sex between a man and a woman - and there have clearly been a few examples of women displaying this belief - was horrific.