To have told my DH I just don't want more bloody lingerie?

[aurynne]

Let's start by saying I have never liked lingerie. In the very occasional time I have used it, it was for my DH's benefit, because I know he finds me very hot in it, but it really does nothing for me. I find it uncomfortable, itchy and non-practical. It gets into my crack. Its usually too tight. It gets caught everywhere.

My DH and I have been together for 7 years. He travels quite frequently. Every time he comes back from a trip he excitedly tells me he has something for me... 8 times out of 10 it will be a bloody piece of lingerie. First couple of times I acted excited about it. Next 4-5 times I was a bit meh, not showing a lot of enthusiasm in the hopes he would get the message. I now have a bag full of pieces of unused or once-used pieces of quite expensive lingerie. A bloody waste of money and fabric!

But the hints obviously didn't work. My Dh is just back from spending a week in the US for work. He came back today and brought me... surprise, surprise! Another bloody piece of lingerie.

It's got to the point every time he comes home and I see another bloody Victoria's Secret or Anne Summers bag my heart sinks, it is a massive put off for me, so in fact it is having exactly the opposite effect he is intending.

So this time I decided this could not go for longer. I was honest and said I was grateful for the present and it was so nice of him to think of me, but really, I had never liked lingerie. I told him I felt it was really not a present for me but for himself, and I would be much happier with a box of chocolates (I am a chocoholic, so no way of going wrong with that!). I also love books. I love all type of clothes (tops, trousers, coats)... except for lingerie! I love to try different kinds of coffee. I love wine, and Baileys. So not really that hard to find thinks I like.

He got massively hurt and does not understand it at all. He insists he spent a long time looking for that particular piece of lingerie (it's a kind of sexy one-piece nighty thingy... which I would never ever choose myself let alone wear it) and it was really for me, not for him.

WIBU? Does anyone have any tip to lessen the blow for him now that the hurt is done, but still get the message across clearly? I just don't want another piece of lingerie, now or ever again. I'd happily burn the lot. But I do love my DH deeply, he is a lovely, lovely man. He cooks. He cleans. He is sensitive. I hate hurting him... I just do not want more fucking lingerie!

... because if you try to make it all better for him then you are doing what you have been doing for years - making him happy.

This is awkward and has become worse because of your past pretending you liked/didn't mind this. And no-one can blame you for this diplomacy because most of us don't want to hurt our DH's feelings.

Men tend to be more direct with their opinions/feelings especially with each other - I doubt they understand why many women tend not to be.

But there, you've said it and although he's hurt now maybe it'll be better in the long run. When he brings you something different like a book/perfume or whatever better look grateful and I hope he gets it right.

On his next birthday buy him a some frilly, lace underwear or a mankini in his size. If he loves it so much he can have his own.

I agree with Nocabbageinmyeye

Genuinely wondering how he hasn't noticed that you never wear the items be had bought you? ... I think he noticed but just didn't care as the actual process of buying it gets him off

Really, he never noticed the huge backlog of unworn stuff? Really?

I seriously don't think he's sensitive and lovely. It's not hard to notice piles of unused stuff lying round.

My DM persistently buys cheap plastic jewellery for me. Previously, it was appalling ornaments. I have asked her to stop, but she has a compulsion :( drives me nuts. Charity shop the lot, OP.

Point him in the direction of neon moon lingerie. It is 'femenist' lingerie made for comfort and 'not the male gaze' if he insists. Once he is selling out 90 quid for lingerie that isn't benefitting him, he will stop.

Feminist lingerie? So why is the home page full of pouting sexy pictures? Hmm. Horrible looking stuff, too. And seriously, who pays nearly £100 for a bra?! Amazing!

I never wear "sexy" lingerie but there are some things I'd love from Victoria's Secret, like their Long Janes pyjamas. You don't have to find a lingerie alternative.

Can't you compromise on something feminine, soft, some lace (silk or similar best quality) in silk or some sort of v v expensive fine cotton lawn which you Both like?

And what do you need/want to get you in the mood? stairs vacuumed, evening meal cooked and tidied up, glass of best champagne, there must be something he can do for you too.

OP must try harder.

What's his argument that it actually is for you? Other than him saying so, I mean.

Nobody should feel a duty to do anything sexual that they don't want to, but if it's just disinterest or a mild dislike and you want things that your partner isn't interested in too, it can be worth trading activities to make each other happy. This should work both ways, though!

YANBU to tell him that lingerie is a present for him and that you want other presents. However, if it's something you can put up with occasionally and he's willing to do things that are genuinely for you in return, you could let him buy it / dress you up as a treat to himself once in a while.

MissMargie

The OP has not mentioned anything about their sex life. She has not said that she needs help getting in the mood.

Sorry, she has mentioned their sex life, but not needing help getting in the mood IYSWIM

Can I have it please? I love Victoria's Secret

Seriously though, you are not being at all unreasonable. There's no way you should have to perform or dress up for him if you don't like it.

Sorry but I do think you have been a little bit unreasonable but only for letting it go on so long. He has not picked up hints so happily thought he was doing something nice for years and you have just knocked him for six. I'd be upset if I were him too :/

Shizzlestix, so you can't be femenist and sexy? Personally looking at the stuff (whilst overpriced) looks comfortable and quality. A lot more than red frilly boned and summers stuff. Eitherway my point was if he was asked to buy stuff like that he would probably stop because a)it is expensive as hell and b)it is not his idea of lingerie and thus wouldn't want to buy it. Sell it as a comprimise. Failing that, start buying him latex gstrings once a week until he gets the messages.

OP - he sounds a bit clueless tbh. Decide for yourself what you like and/or what you're prepared to wear for him and just tell him. I also have DH who will often buy me lingerie - not after every business trip though . He does at least have a reasonable idea of what's naff and what's not and he's got better at finding lingerie that I will love as well as him. If he came in with an Ann Summers bag I would just chuck it back at him. You have to communicate what you feel comfortable in. Some men need more communication than others. Good luck!

Yanbu.

Can you just imagine a world where a woman kept buying her husband uncomfortable, itchy, expensive and impractical items for him to 'dress up in' to satisfy her sexual desires. Then got upset when he didn't want to wear it exclaiming that she was buying it for him?

It's not sweet and he's not thinking of you and you don't need to be grateful.

If you enjoy dressing up fair enough but it doesn't sound like you do at least not as often as he would like.

He shouldn't be forcing this on you under the disguise of a 'gift', because if he wanted to buy you a gift he'd buy you something that you actually wanted and got enjoyment out of. I'm sure he's not that dense that he hasn't noticed that you don't wear it and that when you do it's not giving you the same enjoyment.

I honestly despair at the comments telling her to compromise.

I don't like half of my husbands clothes but he wears what he's happy and comfortable with, I can't imagine asking him to compromise by wearing something slightly less comfortable because I like it.

If he wants to dress someone up then he should get a doll.

You can be sexist and feminist but dressing women up in uncomfortable lingerie is part of the objectification of women.

If it wasn't we'd have men plastered everywhere in lacy one pieces.

I our house we call it a bowling ball (Homer bought Marge one as a gift because he wanted it). Sometimes DH is quite up front about saying he's got me a 'bowling ball' when he's bought me some tech that I have little interest in. Likewise if I buy him clothes just so he has presentable t shirts without stains or holes.

Ask him what goes on in his head when he's choosing the lingerie. If it's imagining you in said lingerie giving him a blow job or writhing in ecstasy underneath him, it's not a gift for you, it's a gift for him.
A present does not come with expectations or strings attached.

Except babyzoo I said that in response to someones reply about neon moon. Underwear made specifically for comfort. Expensive,and not a sterotypical idea of lingerie. I personally wouldn't buy it,too expensive and as my name suggests, I live for granny pants. My dp has been told a big no to lingerie. Not that he would anyway. He doesn't think me being uncomfortable is sexy,his words.

I personally would tell my dp straight and stick to my guns but op asked for a way to lessen the blow.

I'm amused at the notion of feminist lingerie. Surely the problem is not with the lingerie itself, but the motivation behind the purchase and the expectation of 'performance' from the recipient. The problem I would have mainly is that the OP's DP is either so obtuse that he hasn't been able to see that the gifts have not been appreciated for 7 years or so selfish that he is all too aware that they are not appreciated but continues anyway because he gets off on buying the stuff. I don't think OP is at fault for expressing gratitude each time (although perhaps maybe after the first few years when she knew this wasn't going to change it would have been better to speak out), because most of us say thank you for a gift, regardless of whether or not we like it. I know full well when I have given DH a present that he isn't keen on - I can see it straight away in his face, and I then make it easy for him to fess up so that I can get something he prefers. He still might thank me though, but communication is more than just the words isn't it?

YANBU.
DH used to buy me tacky lingerie but has stopped now, although he did buy me a lovely silk shortish nightie from John Lewis's a couple of Christmas's ago, and I'd be happy if he repeated that purchase.

With DH for a few birthdays and Christmas's he bought expensive jewellery. Except it was quite flashy and not what I would have picked - what I would have picked would have been a lot cheaper and also evident if he had bothered to check out my Amazon gift list. This year I moaned so much that I got an MacBook air which was exactly what I wanted . He also now knows to buy me Hotel Chocolat rather than bottles of perfume.

Ditto I buy DH what he wants rather than what I'd like to buy him.

YANBU.
DH used to buy me tacky lingerie but has stopped now, although he did buy me a lovely silk shortish nightie from John Lewis's a couple of Christmas's ago, and I'd be happy if he repeated that purchase.

With DH for a few birthdays and Christmas's he bought expensive jewellery. Except it was quite flashy and not what I would have picked - what I would have picked would have been a lot cheaper and also evident if he had bothered to check out my Amazon gift list. This year I moaned so much that I got an MacBook air which was exactly what I wanted . He also now knows to buy me Hotel Chocolat rather than bottles of perfume.

Ditto I buy DH what he wants rather than what I'd like to buy him.

feminist lingerie is, surely, "lingerie that I want to wear"