To have told my DH I just don't want more bloody lingerie?

[aurynne]

Let's start by saying I have never liked lingerie. In the very occasional time I have used it, it was for my DH's benefit, because I know he finds me very hot in it, but it really does nothing for me. I find it uncomfortable, itchy and non-practical. It gets into my crack. Its usually too tight. It gets caught everywhere.

My DH and I have been together for 7 years. He travels quite frequently. Every time he comes back from a trip he excitedly tells me he has something for me... 8 times out of 10 it will be a bloody piece of lingerie. First couple of times I acted excited about it. Next 4-5 times I was a bit meh, not showing a lot of enthusiasm in the hopes he would get the message. I now have a bag full of pieces of unused or once-used pieces of quite expensive lingerie. A bloody waste of money and fabric!

But the hints obviously didn't work. My Dh is just back from spending a week in the US for work. He came back today and brought me... surprise, surprise! Another bloody piece of lingerie.

It's got to the point every time he comes home and I see another bloody Victoria's Secret or Anne Summers bag my heart sinks, it is a massive put off for me, so in fact it is having exactly the opposite effect he is intending.

So this time I decided this could not go for longer. I was honest and said I was grateful for the present and it was so nice of him to think of me, but really, I had never liked lingerie. I told him I felt it was really not a present for me but for himself, and I would be much happier with a box of chocolates (I am a chocoholic, so no way of going wrong with that!). I also love books. I love all type of clothes (tops, trousers, coats)... except for lingerie! I love to try different kinds of coffee. I love wine, and Baileys. So not really that hard to find thinks I like.

He got massively hurt and does not understand it at all. He insists he spent a long time looking for that particular piece of lingerie (it's a kind of sexy one-piece nighty thingy... which I would never ever choose myself let alone wear it) and it was really for me, not for him.

WIBU? Does anyone have any tip to lessen the blow for him now that the hurt is done, but still get the message across clearly? I just don't want another piece of lingerie, now or ever again. I'd happily burn the lot. But I do love my DH deeply, he is a lovely, lovely man. He cooks. He cleans. He is sensitive. I hate hurting him... I just do not want more fucking lingerie!

feminist lingerie is, surely, "lingerie that I want to wear"

Yes, too right.

I like the NeonMoon stuff - not their prices, mind , but I like the minimalist look. Never heard of them before, so thanks for the hind. Might ask Santa for something

Btw, Charylene, I am another one who has said 'no more flowers please' - there was a time in my life when the gift of a bunch of flowers or a pot plant just seems like just another needy thing in my life that needed looking after… I was a bit touched out at the times, mind. I can see how flowers are not always the best gift in the world although I would welcome them now as the nice gesture they are usually meant to be. Just sayin'.

I agree with you notyoda. I think the point of neon moon was that they are making something which would be more popular with the woman wearing than the man looking. I wasn't saying the bra was actively going about with a plaquard fighting for equality

I always put the shoe on the other foot in these scenarios. If it were you who did this, and your husband told you nicely, 'I don't like this,' would you act hurt and/or still keep buying it for him? If the answer is 'no', then the person who does this is being PA controlling. It's not lovely behaviour. If it were you who was doing this, continually buying something for your partner that you knew he did not like, would you be suggesting he compromise yourself for your benefit? That would be disrespectful, wouldn't it? I'd find it so. I wouldn't expect my h to do that because it's disrespectful to him.

Why did you apologise?

'I don't like lingerie. Please stop buying it for me. I don't want it and it's wasting money.'

I'd give it all away, tbh. I hate lingerie.

Next time he goes away, remind him, 'Please don't buy me lingerie. I don't like it and won't wear it.'

OP - The thing is that Victoria's Secret and Ann Summers shops are in many an airport departure lounge, so if he spends a lot of time hanging about in departure lounges, he's liable to wander in and start getting carried away.

My DH has been known to do the same. If you don't like ANY lingerie then that's fair enough. I just pointed DH in the direction of the right kind of lingerie shops which are not to be found in airports. I now receive some beautiful things - admittedly less frequently because they're a lot more expensive but he's still happy enough. He now just goes into the Duty Free for chocolate, cosmetics or perfume when travelling and so it's a win win!

Those people who think the thread is funny and that MNers are weird and over-reacting, have they read this bit:

When I do wear sexy clothes he gets aroused so quick that i feel I have to "catch up". Wearing lingerie does not excite me the same way it does him, and I end up not enjoying sex as much

So for years, he hasn't noticed that the OP isn't wearing much of the stuff that he's been buying for her and hasn't noticed, or doesn't care, that she's not as turned on as him either. She's admitted that she should have something earlier but given his reaction, you can kind of understand why she didn't.

I agree with PP, if lingerie were such a lovely, wonderful thing for the wearer, men would be wearing it as well. They don't. Now fine, wear it if you want to - I've been known to myself. But just bear in mind that the OP's DH isn't a sensitive soul doing something lovely for her. He's proved himself pretty insensitive towards her so far.

It's his most recent reaction that indicates the real problem here. Let's give him the benefit of the doubt and say he's been clueless rather than deliberately selfish. Then let's say 'ok, maybe OP should have spoken up earlier'. OP then apologised for her reaction. I think a mature, nice guy would have said, 'ok, that makes me feel better as my feelings were a bit hurt, and I'm sorry too for not noticing that you didn't really go for it. How about you wear some once a year on my birthday, and in future I'll get you chocolates instead?' Compromise, sorted. Instead, he's sulked and continued to try to make OP feel bad purely on the basis of her own feelings and preferences. Not good.

I agree with PP, if lingerie were such a lovely, wonderful thing for the wearer, men would be wearing it as well.

It is pretty telling that some men do wear lingerie ... that is designed for women, and it is a humiliation fetish for most men who do it.

Ha! I wonder what wives bring back from their husbands on their business trips?

Plain white underpants because the man is incapable of buying them for himself.
Okay, I don't know for sure, but I know lots of men whose wives buy their shirts for them, so ...

Good point Vestal, about the humiliation. And I am now wearing boy leg briefs, because they're comfortable. Go figure.

I our house we call it a bowling ball (Homer bought Marge one as a gift because he wanted it). Sometimes DH is quite up front about saying he's got me a 'bowling ball' when he's bought me some tech that I have little interest in. Likewise if I buy him clothes just so he has presentable t shirts without stains or holes.

That is SO not "likewise" though.

Can I suggest you google 5 love lnguages and both take the test. I suspect he may be someone who is happy with gifts, regardless of how suitable they are, for him it really is the thought that counts, whereas you appreciate acts of service which are thoughtful and all about what the other person wants.

He really is just buying presents for himself. He's pretty much paying for his wife to give him present seeing as the lingerie comes with the expectation of sex (which OP doesn't even enjoy very much), and a performance.

'How about you wear some once a year on my birthday, and in future I'll get you chocolates instead?' Compromise, sorted.'

WTAF?! How is that in any way respectful?! I'd like my husband to dress about the opposite from how he does. But it's his body and his life and I would never expect him to 'compromise' for my benefit in exchange for actually considering his wants and feelings including when buying him gifts. If he wants to, the onus is on him.

'Honey, I don't like lingerie/Minecraft/bike gear/etc gifts.' 'Oh, thanks for letting me know. What would you like?' 'I'd prefer Lego/chocolates/PS4 games/Abercrombie&Fitch tshirts.' 'Ok.' Because gifts are for the other person, otherwise you're just buying for yourself.

But OP says she doesn't like wearing it and feels objectified

That's not conducive for a healthy sexual relationship at all. Maybe if he backed off a huge, huge, huge amount she wouldn't feel as uncomfortable occasionally dressing up.

But anyone making out like she has to is fucked in the head.

Or next tome YOU return from a trip, you could present him with this fetching little number, whilst telling how much time you spent searching for it.

Let him feel the sweatiness of pvc around his intimate area, and suspender straps digging into his thighs!

Rubbish

I thought one of those comedy scrotum pouches, you know, with an elephant's trunk at the relevant area of anatomy, would be an appropriate present: handed over with loving expectation in the OP's eyes. But yours is much much better!

This is rather worrying...

So your DH now knows you don't like presents of underwear. He knows you don't like wearing it. He knows it makes you feel uncomfortable.

So WTF is he still guilting you into accepting it, and wearing it? Seems very like bullying to me. And it's also pretty clear he is only concerned about his own pleasure and enjoyment.

PD, I actually bought an ex one of those, in the shape of a horse's head, when you pressed a button on it, it neighed, as a joke xmas present, he'd put it on once in a while, to make me laff.

Few years later, new boyfriend found it in the loft, and said "Look I found a hand puppet, and it neighs!", whilst wearing it on his hand. The look on his face was priceless when I told him what had been inside it.

Had this discussion at Xmas when s close friends newish DP bought her 3 sets of lingerie as a present - it was obviously a present to himself and he didn't redeem himself by buying her many other things that actually were things she wanted
It started the end of their relationship mainly because he didn't get how she felt about it because he still saw it as a present for her
I see it as selfish, and no better than someone buying me a house wifely tool of some kind!

That's priceless, Rubbish!

I think a bit of a laugh in bed is actually very very healthy, rather than full on sexual heat at all times. SO exhausting!

What MaQueen said. Being hurt about it is immature.

Can he not get you lingerie as a gift for him and something thats actually a gift for you?

Can't you compromise on something feminine, soft, some lace (silk or similar best quality) in silk or some sort of v v expensive fine cotton lawn which you Both like?

Decide for yourself what you like and/or what you're prepared to wear for him and just tell him.

What is with all these women who seem to believe that dress-up and performance is an integral and expected part of the woman's role in sex? Horrific.

that neon moon lingerie stuff looks like the sort of bra-lets you can buy for £6 in sainsburies. Theres nothing feminist about it. Neither supportive or particularly pretty.

Im sorry your dh keeps trying to find the sort of thing that will excite you, whilst missing the point that none of it is exciting to you and probably never will be. Its a shame if hes really into you dressing up, that you arent too. Dont you think you should have said something years ago? Sounds like a real lack of communication between you