To have told my DH I just don't want more bloody lingerie?

[aurynne]

Let's start by saying I have never liked lingerie. In the very occasional time I have used it, it was for my DH's benefit, because I know he finds me very hot in it, but it really does nothing for me. I find it uncomfortable, itchy and non-practical. It gets into my crack. Its usually too tight. It gets caught everywhere.

My DH and I have been together for 7 years. He travels quite frequently. Every time he comes back from a trip he excitedly tells me he has something for me... 8 times out of 10 it will be a bloody piece of lingerie. First couple of times I acted excited about it. Next 4-5 times I was a bit meh, not showing a lot of enthusiasm in the hopes he would get the message. I now have a bag full of pieces of unused or once-used pieces of quite expensive lingerie. A bloody waste of money and fabric!

But the hints obviously didn't work. My Dh is just back from spending a week in the US for work. He came back today and brought me... surprise, surprise! Another bloody piece of lingerie.

It's got to the point every time he comes home and I see another bloody Victoria's Secret or Anne Summers bag my heart sinks, it is a massive put off for me, so in fact it is having exactly the opposite effect he is intending.

So this time I decided this could not go for longer. I was honest and said I was grateful for the present and it was so nice of him to think of me, but really, I had never liked lingerie. I told him I felt it was really not a present for me but for himself, and I would be much happier with a box of chocolates (I am a chocoholic, so no way of going wrong with that!). I also love books. I love all type of clothes (tops, trousers, coats)... except for lingerie! I love to try different kinds of coffee. I love wine, and Baileys. So not really that hard to find thinks I like.

He got massively hurt and does not understand it at all. He insists he spent a long time looking for that particular piece of lingerie (it's a kind of sexy one-piece nighty thingy... which I would never ever choose myself let alone wear it) and it was really for me, not for him.

WIBU? Does anyone have any tip to lessen the blow for him now that the hurt is done, but still get the message across clearly? I just don't want another piece of lingerie, now or ever again. I'd happily burn the lot. But I do love my DH deeply, he is a lovely, lovely man. He cooks. He cleans. He is sensitive. I hate hurting him... I just do not want more fucking lingerie!

Yes you should have told him sooner that you did not appreciate these gifts.

No you were not unreasonable to make it clear to him now. He might be hurt but he's going to have to suck it up. And he's going to have to stop insisting it was a gift for you, because it wasn't.

It is baffling to me that a man could extrapolate from his own keenness for lingerie and sexually based clothing articles that this means his wife or other feels the same way. Unless there is some other indication of a mutual liking for this type of wear, why on earth would he think this is a gift to benefit you? Just shows how deeply ingrained the idea of a woman's sexuality as nothing more than an extension of the man's desire.

And I say this as someone who has no problem with dressing up for fun.

It is not the woman's responsibility to create an erotic life for anybody, unless she actually wants to. It is not her duty to be sensual and sensuous and sexy unless she wants to.

Mysteries, OP has already explained what makes her feel sensuous and sensual -

"my style is more "let's cuddle, and kiss, and stroke each other's head, and massage, and then things get more heated"

When I do wear sexy clothes he gets aroused so quick that i feel I have to "catch up". Wearing lingerie does not excite me the same way it does him, and I end up not enjoying sex as much."

It's not rocket science is it for a man to spot that his woman is not looking/feeling very interested!

Point him in the direction of neon moon lingerie. It is 'femenist' lingerie made for comfort and 'not the male gaze' if he insists. Once he is selling out 90 quid for lingerie that isn't benefitting him, he will stop.

*shelling

OP I don't think you are being unreasonable but can also see his perspective too. Also we have to accept that unfortunately even the loveliest men sometimes dont pick up on our subtle attempts to communicate with them - doesn't make them creepy or selfish just a bit slow on the uptake sometimes!!! I wonder if a way to fix this and for you both to be happy is to suggest you go shopping (as a one off) together to look at lingerie. Have a fun day together looking at all different kinds from the most outrageous to the comfiest granny knickers you can find. Point out the things you like and the things you think are ridiculous, ask him to do the same. Have a giggle about it together. Tell him how certain pieces would make you feel if you were wearing them, not just the negatives about the things you don't like but the positives about the things you do like. E.g. I would hate wearing that suspender belt because it takes me so much time Fiddling with it when I really would rather be fiddling with you and I would feel sexy and confident in those clingy boxer briefs because I know how good my bum looks in them, etc, etc. End result will hopefully be a) he has a better understanding of what you like and what you don't b) he gets to spend time indulging his passion for lingerie with you (the woman he clearly fantasises about - lucky you) c) you may end up with some lovely new undies that you are comfortable with and d) you can bring some humour to the situation to soften the blow.

I don't like the idea that OP should go through some sort of excruciating lingerie expedition. She's already said she doesn't like it. He does. So what?

If she doesn't like it she is under no obligation to even pretend to be half okay with it.

I can understand the not mentioning it for 7 years. Once you start not mentioning it, and try to appear reasonably grateful (which there is a lot of pressure to do when you receive a gift, even the other person isn't overtly pressuring you) then it just gets harder to do.

But he should have noticed over the years that you're clearly not that keen, and he didn't (or didn't care) and that shows he was just doing this for himself and to try to change you.

It doesn't matter that he spent a long time looking for it - he could have spent a long time looking for exactly the right hoover or guitar amp too, doesn't mean it would have been the right present for you.

It's very difficult to deal with Mr lovely sweet bloke who deep down is quite inconsiderate and selfish, but doesn't grasp that he is. I bet he genuinely thinks that putting a vast amount of effort into buying what he wants you to wear, and it costing a lot and being in your size, equals caring about you.

I'm not sure you can "lessen the blow" but you can gently keep reminding him what you like, and help him see that presents should be about what the recipient likes. "That cashmere cardie is lovely, just the kind of thing I like - I'd love it if you got me something like that" or "You're going to XXXXX, they have fabulous chocolates there, I hope you'll be able to bring me some!" It may take a while to sink in that e can make you happy by giving you what you like.

YADNBU, as most people are pointing out! Am very surprised to read some comments suggesting OP needs to take 'responsibility' for being given presents which aren't really for her. Also surprised at the idea that OP needs to find a way to 'make it up' to her DH or put something he might like in place of the lingerie (or just feel lingerie she does feel happy wearing for him) - she doesn't need to buy or trade her way out of a situation which makes her feel uncomfortable and unvalued!

Luckysanta I agree with you but stand by what I said about him being a bit thick. If you bought your dh boxes of milk tray for years and they were stock piled in the press you might eventually (after the first box went unused) ask if he didn't like them or just see it as a waste and buy something else, or if you always bought shirts he never worse surely you'd ask or stop. So my conclusion is either he is thick to have not noticed or selfish to have noticed but still buys them (I suspect because he gets his jollies in Ann summers), but you'd think after 7 years he'd have copped on somewhat

How many men would like being bought fancy, lacy, uncomfortable revealing underwear to be expected to parade around in for their partner's gratification? How many would wear it if their OH did that? Answer: only men who were genuinely into that kind of thing and their OH knew that. A man who was not interested/preferred comfort would not be happy and he definitely wouldn't wear it.

You might be able to explain it to him that way?

I was an ungrateful bitch!

So not that sensitive. Rude and immature in fact.

You were careful to say you were grateful but you just didn't like them. There's no reason for him to insult you and it's he rather than you who should be apologising.

If you bought him gardening tools for 7 years and he finally admitted he wasn't interested in gardening.. Would you insult him?

I don't agree with men being called "thick" in these circumstances - many men who do this can hold down demanding jobs, can't they. They're not thick, they are self-centred and inconsiderate. But often they are also sweet and want to appear generous, so they're very offended to be called on it. That being offended is a great way to make women feel bad and the men continue to get their own way - even if it's not done consciously.

Did the DH call her that? I thought she just said she thought MN might tell her that.

Yes, selective and convenient thickness in men seems quite common.

YANBU, especially if it's bloody.

My husband wouldn't want to parade round in anything. He would feel massively uncomfortable if I went out and bought (say) a Sharpe outfit or a pair of Henry Cavill trews 😂 So I wouldn't do it.

I trust him to have the same consideration for me.

He's clearly not that sensitive though is he? Otherwise he would have realised long ago that you weren't really into it. Come on, we all know when someone's not that enthusiastic about something don't we? So sensitive to his own needs and feelings, yes, but not yours.

YANBU

How come he never took the hint years ago?

Neon Moon is the second lingerie recommendation I have seen this am that has made me cross - how can bras be in dress sizes?!

I posted a very similar thread on here 6 years ago when my eldest was 9 months and dh got me a sexy baby doll thing for Xmas.

Nowadays I occasionally buy some lingerie that is for sex and parade for him but it is very much on my terms and my choices. I want presents from him that are thought about and make me feel special (he is normally good but errs on the side of gadgets!).

YANBU You can have too much of a good thing.

I remember my DM having a similar conversation with DF about flowers..........

Sounds like he may have an addiction to buying it if he gets a lot of pleasure buying it.

Totally agree with other posters

It reminds me of when Homer Simpson bought a bowling ball for Marge's Birthday

Ebay.

I don't think you should try to lessen the blow. You have sensitively asserted yourself. If he can't respect that and is sulky then it suggests that he can't "hear you when you are trying to communicate with him. Let him experience the hurt for a bit