To have told my DH I just don't want more bloody lingerie?

[aurynne]

Let's start by saying I have never liked lingerie. In the very occasional time I have used it, it was for my DH's benefit, because I know he finds me very hot in it, but it really does nothing for me. I find it uncomfortable, itchy and non-practical. It gets into my crack. Its usually too tight. It gets caught everywhere.

My DH and I have been together for 7 years. He travels quite frequently. Every time he comes back from a trip he excitedly tells me he has something for me... 8 times out of 10 it will be a bloody piece of lingerie. First couple of times I acted excited about it. Next 4-5 times I was a bit meh, not showing a lot of enthusiasm in the hopes he would get the message. I now have a bag full of pieces of unused or once-used pieces of quite expensive lingerie. A bloody waste of money and fabric!

But the hints obviously didn't work. My Dh is just back from spending a week in the US for work. He came back today and brought me... surprise, surprise! Another bloody piece of lingerie.

It's got to the point every time he comes home and I see another bloody Victoria's Secret or Anne Summers bag my heart sinks, it is a massive put off for me, so in fact it is having exactly the opposite effect he is intending.

So this time I decided this could not go for longer. I was honest and said I was grateful for the present and it was so nice of him to think of me, but really, I had never liked lingerie. I told him I felt it was really not a present for me but for himself, and I would be much happier with a box of chocolates (I am a chocoholic, so no way of going wrong with that!). I also love books. I love all type of clothes (tops, trousers, coats)... except for lingerie! I love to try different kinds of coffee. I love wine, and Baileys. So not really that hard to find thinks I like.

He got massively hurt and does not understand it at all. He insists he spent a long time looking for that particular piece of lingerie (it's a kind of sexy one-piece nighty thingy... which I would never ever choose myself let alone wear it) and it was really for me, not for him.

WIBU? Does anyone have any tip to lessen the blow for him now that the hurt is done, but still get the message across clearly? I just don't want another piece of lingerie, now or ever again. I'd happily burn the lot. But I do love my DH deeply, he is a lovely, lovely man. He cooks. He cleans. He is sensitive. I hate hurting him... I just do not want more fucking lingerie!

Get him something you love and that you are pretty sure he is not too keen on next time there's an occasion to celebrate.

Does he like coffee but you like tea? Get him tea.
How does he feel about nice big boxes of chocolates?
Take him to some movie you know you would enjoy but he might not.
Would nail polish be taking it too far?

I agree with Timely that he seems to be spending a good deal of time in soft porn places while he's away, and I agree that this is sleazy. And it is all, 100%, just for him.

It sounds as though he's hurt because he is a nice man and he rightly feels crap because he is having to face that he has been quite selfish in this particular area

You could give him the benefit of the doubt and say this. I think he has an image of himself as Mr Nice Guy and is rather put out to find that actually, no, he is objectifying you. It's perhaps not surprising given the way in which we are surrounded by sexualised images of women but it quite definitely needs correcting. If it were just occasional I wouldn't mind but to this extent - just no.

Surely stuff that is comfortable is ultimately sexier, because you're happier in it?

Soften the blow by telling him that you would rather have something you like as a gift but you are ok with buying it for him as a present every so often if that's what he'd like as a gift, as you know he likes you to wear it so you'll do it for him. But he's got to remember it's for him, not you.

Genuinely wondering how he hasn't noticed that you never wear the items be had bought you? He must be a bit thick or incredibly selfish and not give a toss. I'd feel bad if you had been wearing them all the time and acting enthusiastic but you haven't, how has that escaped him? I mean, how can you not notice any gift you buy for the person you live with going so unused? I think he noticed but just didn't care as the actual process of buying it gets him off, which is fine if he just admitted it and not acted hurt to make you feel bad

YANBU. At all.

If we forgot about the fact that the unwanted gifts are bits of lingerie, then it becomes more clear that it is not your responsibility to manage his feelings. If he had been giving your repeated gifts of, say, I dunno, pot holders, very nice potholders, but really not something you love or need lots of, then the whole angle that he also 'benefits' from the gifts is much reduced.
It is entirely understandable that he feels a bit hurt, and maybe a bit sheepish that he failed to read you, or even wrong-footed because you mights have said something a bit sooner, but it is his job to recover from this 'blow'.
By all means keep talking to each other, but repeatedly giving gifts that are not wanted AND then trying to turn it around by being offended when told "thanks, but no thanks" is a bit low.

Good luck, I hope he comes rounds.

Yanbu

Make sure if he buys it again that you are honest with him.

I agree with you btw. It is designed totally for his pleasure.

Don't wear it? Refuse to open it?

You've told him so when he buys the next set ask him who it is for as you said quite clearly you didn't want anymore. 👙

Defo not BU. Surely he must have noticed that previous gifts were only being worn once and worked out that you were wearing them partially out of politeness? This would infuriate me, and as pp's have said, it is the fact that it is lingerie that he repeatedly buys (and not chocolate, coffee) that is the annoyance because he is passing off something he wants, as a gift for you. To be honest, even if he was buying you something you loved (like chocolate) every single time, I would still think it reasonable to hint strongly to him to maybe mix it up a bit on the gift picking - takes the fun out of it if you know what to expect every time.

My husband is the same with 'sexy undies' I have a cesarean scar which goes from hip to hip. It's massive because I was essentially dying from multi organ failure (sepsis) and after 2 days of labour and 12 of trying to get my son out they had to move very quickly. It's painful and rubs. So I wear girl boxer type knickers to stop the top rubbing. I hate it but it's necessary. My husband kept on and on about a surprise present he had bought and was so excited to give it to me. When it arrived he sat mouth agape staring at me waiting for me to squeal with joy. It was this tiny black silky lacey baby doll thing which didn't even cover my bum (I have a bum to put kim to shame but not the waist). It was clearpy for him and not me. Unfortunately I was suffering ptsd from the birth at the time and was undergoing counselling. I dissolved in to a heap of angry crying. I ended up shoving it at him and took my son out for a walk. He still doesn't get it. I like pj's and comfy yoga type clothes. Clingy but practical. Since I have apologised for my reaction. I get he was trying to make me feel 'sexy' again but I just felt like daddy pig. Haha

The more I think about this (overthehill, your situation too), the more uncomfortable I am about it.
It really smacks of control and male entitlement to me - I am sure they might be lovely guys otherwise, but with an innate sense that they know best what you 'should' be wearing and like.

Since I have apologised for my reaction

You poor thing.
Has he apologies for his twattish present?!
Oh, this makes me so cross!
Why do we feel that it is part of our role to massage our husband's egos and make sure that their feelings are never ever hurt, when they don't even see were they hurt our feelings?!
Gah!

The occasional piece of lingerie - fine. Every time he goes away - tedious and off putting. My first husband was obsessed with the stuff and I honestly grew to dread his constants ridiculous requests for me to wear it. I was quite young so didn't know how to express why I found his hopeful face and constant requests so irritating. Our sex loge totally fell away as having to get all dressed up was just too exhausting.

YADNBU! He is buying the stuff for himself. If he was honest with you and didn't claim it was a present for you then maybe you wouldn't feel so resentful? I had an ex who wanted to buy me this kind of stuff. I told him it wasn't a present for me but something he wanted me to wear so really he was buying himself a gift. He had to accept that otherwise there was no way I was going to wear it. (Much prefer my big Bridget Jones pants!)

OP, I'd leave him to figure this out. You've explained how you feel and now it's down to him to act on what you've told him. When he comes back from his travels next time it will be interesting to see what he buys you. I hope it's a bottle of Baileys and a box of chocolates.

You had to say something. Imagine another seven, or forty seven, years of knickers you didn't want. I reckon he'll get over it. As for lessening the blow to his ego, try some enthusiastic sex.

If you don't mind wearing it occasionally, tell him that YOU will buy it, when you want to give HIM a present, since that is what it actually is. Next time he wants to buy you a gift, you want Eve Lom make up/the new Shardlake novel, thanks.

Pacific has it exactly right, he needs to manage his own feelings and work through this without making you feel bad.
I also think that during sex, if there is any kind of mismatch in turn ons etc the wishes of the more reticent partner are paramount, it's safer and more respectful.

This thread is hilarious. Guy buys wife sexy undies. Wife does not communicate at all, for 7 years, that she does not like these undies. Wife tells husband that all along she's not liked his gifts. He's a bit hurt about that. Possibility wondering why she didn't say anything earlier (but that's me projecting). Mumsnet reactions? He's a creep, he's objectifying you. He's thick and selfish. He sees you as a sex doll. Absolutely bonkers.

OP. Your husband sounds like a nice chap. Maybe you should have just said something years ago.

Lucky: the OP was clear that this happened on 4-5 occasions without her showing any enthusiasm. The issue is that her husband then got all hurt about the 'effort' he put in to buying the 'gift' 'for her' when it clearly isn't for her at all, as he is the only one who appears to get enjoyment from it.

I feel your pain. My dh used to buy me lingerie. I hate it for all the reasons you give plus one other: it suggests a sexy confidence I just don't feel.

I never wore anything dh bought me and told him outright that I did not like it. He stopped buying it. I am sure he is disappointed as it was for him more than me, let's face it, but he did not make an issue of it. I think your dh should get over himself.

Wife does not communicate at all, for 7 years, that she does not like these undies.

I think not wearing the undies is pretty unambiguous communication.

OP - so what does make you feel sensuous and sensual and sexy? And have you actively brought that into the relationship?

If his turn-ons are not yours, what have you done to create an erotic life that satisfies both of you?

I'm disappointed to see so many here bashing the bloke and not challenging OP on her responsibility towards the relationship.

I struggle to see how people who buys lingerie as a gift for someone else, doesn't get the fact that it's a gift to themselves.

Luckysanta- brilliantly put

Mysteries: Not everyone wants to feel 'sensuous and sensual and sexy', do they? Not everyone wants to 'create an erotic life'. I know I'm pretty happy just having sex 😂