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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to be given baby clothes?

151 replies

theenchantedforests · 17/08/2016 14:57

It's a long-awaited for, desperately wanted, very probably only, baby girl, due end of November.

And we have been INUNDATED. Not presents but just bags and bags of stuff and I feel horrible, but I don't want it. I want to buy our own things.

AIBU to politely say no? Yesterday our neighbour was knocking on the door giving us bags her granddaughter had outgrown and looked a bit offended when I said no thanks!

OP posts:
LowDudgeon · 19/08/2016 20:15

It's many years since I had a baby so I'm looking at this from a detaching distance. Also I hate throwing stuff in the bin.

So from those 2 perspectives I would ask:

  1. are they ever going to expect any of it back?
  2. do they mind if you pass on what you don't want?

Assuming answers are no & no, then:
accept everything
look through it
keep any bits you think you might use
pass the rest to charity shops (Sally Army maybe best, as they can make use of even clothes that are a bit worn to help those who have lost everything eg in a fire)

That way nobody's offended & everybody gets some use out of what's on offer Smile

MoonHare · 19/08/2016 20:17

Don't feel guilty about making a polite refusal.
Generally people aren't actually being altruistic when they give stuff away they're just glad to find someone to dump all their outgrown/unwanted stuff onto, saves them the trip to the charity shop.
For some it's a pleasure to see another baby in things that have been special to them but that's much less common.

Makkapakkasbestfriend · 19/08/2016 20:18

Yanbu, I always ask friends if they want outgrown baby clothes before I give them, and always say I won't be offended if they say they have enough or want to choose their own. There are plenty of people out there who would love a bag of hand me downs. you don't need to put your baby in clothes that you don't want to just so you don't offend someone. Just thank them for the offer and politely suggest a nearby charity if they don't have any other expectant friends

ollieplimsoles · 19/08/2016 20:18

Yanbu

When I was pregnant with dd last year, I accepted everything people gave me politely, even though I felt crushed under the bags and bags of stuff and I was trying to get my house organised and tidy.

I found that people were just using me to get rid of their old stuff, I was given clothes that had food on them, broken toys, a filthy broken highchair.. I snapped in the end and dh took the lot to the tip- never even looked in some of the bags.

Mil's mother even brought a bag of old stuff to the hospital when they brought her to see dd, and my house was full of crap and messy when I came home, I just wanted to sob.

Next time I wont be accepting anything anyone gives me, its more hassle than its worth...

Cocklodger · 19/08/2016 20:19

I'm pregnant at the mo, 4 months.
I am a reasonably low earner (however I never make a song and dance of it and you probably wouldn't know how bad off I am by looking at me as I'm frugal and my ££ goes quite far)
So far I've been offered 12 bags of clothing.
Gender Neutral stuff (not that I'd care) but all in newborn 0-3/3-6 etc.
I've noticed the same attitude as you when I say no thanks, although I say no thanks as I've literally got a wardrobe full of baby clothes for the LO already and I bought very little (3 pieces) of it!
I do NOT need anymore and I'd rather they go to someone who can make good use of them!

HereIAm20 · 19/08/2016 20:21

I give a friend bags of hsnd me downs but slways in the basis of if there is anything you can use help yourself - anything else pass on to someone else or give to charity.

Cocklodger · 19/08/2016 20:21

mean to say 'So the stuff is handy' after low earner comment.
the stuff is invaluable to me as cost adds up a lot. the stuff I've bought (3 pieces) cost me £25 (altogether) from Mothercare and Primark.
Adding it up, it'd be lots of money to me. Not just randomly stating that I don't have loads of money lol!

FreshHorizons · 19/08/2016 20:29

I would use the bits you like. Buy as little as possible for a baby and save it for when they will cost a lot in the teenage years.

amidawish · 19/08/2016 20:31

You just need to be insistent
Say you have been given lots and you simply don't have the space to take anymore.

(don't say you'd rather buy your own etc...)

the worse ones are those who insist you take stuff you don't want and then when you've cleared out ask for them back to pass on to their sister/cousin/someone who really needs them [lesson learnt]

CommaStop · 19/08/2016 20:33

I have no solution (I have an attic full of other people's not at all to my taste, often verrrrry pink, clothes up to age two.) At the time I felt impolite not accepting them but used very little of them. You do need a lot of baby clothes BUT baby clothes are not that expensive and if you want to buy your baby stuff you pick yourself do it.

GasLightShining · 19/08/2016 20:35

Many years ago while pregnant a friend gave me some hand me downs. She admitted they weren't in the best of conditions but said when the baby had been sick over everything and I was too knackered to even get dressed never mind keep up with the washing I would be grateful.

I smiled and took them thinking what does she know

Wasn't long before I was rooting around for those hand me downs.

Hereforthebeer · 19/08/2016 20:37

when they get older you may feel differently. DD & DS grow out of clothes so quickly that i happily accept the odd pair of trousers and especially coats, so maybe say - we have enough clothes for now as everyone has been so generous.. but keep your options open!

babbafishbabe · 19/08/2016 20:37

I was thinking awww poor you until "DH and I have better things to do than drive 6 miles to a charity shop"

I hope you are absolutely loaded as we have 3 and pass down to them and then pass on to friends because good clothes last... I've just ebayed DS's Joules stuff and got £100 for clothes 2 boys have worn already !

It's not a dolly, it's a baby and when it's on its 8th baby grow of the day then you might be grateful ... Because sometimes , they really are only in the for 5 minutes.

Foxsox · 19/08/2016 20:40

The thing is, people who say "but they grow so quick Etc" still bought their own newborn clothes, it's just likely they realised and want to save you the expense. But, why wouldn't you want to buy your own clothes?
hand me downs are often not your taste, grubby and out of season.
Just politely decline
It's whay I did
I was happy to spend money on baby clothes
I made a quilt with them after so no waste really !
Plus I agree with Planty
You aren't AT ALL up your own Backside
I think you are a normal person who wants to buy for her baby!
Congrats x

euromorris · 19/08/2016 20:44

I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting to buy stuff yourself. Totally understandable.

My sister gave us two massive bags (3 times the size of bags for life!) full of baby clothes, which we have accepted very happily. But, sister and I have very similar taste, DH and I are on a very tight budget (I'm the breadwinner and only getting SMP at the moment) and our little one sicks up a lot. Combine that with the occasional poonami and we've been known to go through 4 outfits in a day and she's only 6 weeks old! Lol so for us, having so many clothes is a god send.

You'll have gifts of new stuff too. My sister obviously wasn't able to make use of all the clothes she had as there are some completely unworn items in there. I've already had to pack away the newborn stuff, and we had a few items ourselves that were never worn, despite all the sickups and poonamis!

Between my sisters hand me downs and gifts, we have over 30 bibs! 30! Not sure we'll get through all of them, but maybe weaning will prove me wrong lol

You just gotta do what you're happy and comfortable with.

Molehillfromamountain · 19/08/2016 20:47

YANBU, with DD my cousin practically emptied her loft and brought it all to me! Bouncer, Moses basket, pram, play mat, swing, clothes, car seat. Etc etc, I didn't get to choose anything which was sad. The clothes were very stained and tatty, we didn't use them but then had to store them. With DS I said no to everything and bought my own choices. My step sons are both having babies now and I've offered them things but will not be offended if they decline.

WeAllHaveWings · 19/08/2016 20:51

It is ok to say no. Just prefix it with a gushing how generous it is and how much you appreciate them thinking of you, but you've had lots of clothes given to you by x and y so you've really more than you need already and they should keep them for someone else.

Babylove2015 · 19/08/2016 20:52

' That's really so sweet and thoughtful of you. I can't tell you how many clothes she's already been given. Half of which she will never be able to use. I'm so sorry but we just don't have the room and I'd hate to deprive someone else who could make use of them. Thanks anyway! ' Have a script rehearsed so you aren't caught off guard.

AgentPineapple · 19/08/2016 20:52

Totally understandable wanting to buy your own clothes, it's ok to say no. Just tell people you want to buy new and suggest giving them to a charity or food bank for children who really need them.

debbs77 · 19/08/2016 20:54

I never took second hand clothes! My first born, long awaited, and we wanted brand new for her. And why not? Nothing wrong with that at all.

If people do offer clothes now, they OFFER. They don't just give them which gives me the chance to say yes or no xxx

Sierra259 · 19/08/2016 20:57

My brother and SIL are expecting in October. Other BIL and SIL have twin girls who are 3 and were very quick to offer boxes of stuff after a clear out. While the offer was greatly appreciated, I did have to suggest that maybe DB also didn't have the storage space for 2 lots of baby clothes (3 years worth!), or the time to sort through it all and take the unwanted stuff to charity shops! I got the definite impression it was half kind gesture, half wanting to get a load of stuff out of their house with the least possible effort!

I have loved some hand-me-downs we have received and used others for wearing to nursery or for messy play. Some has gone straight to charity shops, but they are walking distance away from us. Do not feel guilty for turning down second hand clothes if it's not want you want or not practical for you. Congratulations on your pregnancy!

Baileysagain · 19/08/2016 21:16

I bought everything new for my first child but as she has got older I have been very happy to be given good condition second hand clothes. I have been given some lovely clothes for my second child as well. Because of the money I have saved I can afford to spend more on the clothes I do buy for them though.

theconstantinoplegardener · 19/08/2016 21:29

Firstly, congratulations on your pregnancy! And secondly, I felt exactly the same when I was pregnant with my first child and people kept presenting me with bags of second hand clothes. I accepted because I didn't know how to decline politely, but felt annoyed as I then couldn't justify going out to buy everything new myself. BUT once my baby arrived, I was so grateful for all those donations! Between naps and feeds, there was very little time for shopping trips (or to the post office to return items ordered online that weren't suitable). The situation remained the same when she was a toddler - she was much less keen on shopping trips than I was and I was lucky if I got 20 mins before she was demanding to get out of her buggy! So don't burn your bridges, OP - you may find yourself regretting it later. Thank your friends and neighbours for their donations, chuck the stuff that you don't like into doorstep charity bags or offer to your nearest refuge, wash the things you do like and store them in the loft (sorted into different sizes) until you need them. You can still buy lots of lovely new things, but this is back-up for those times when there are squirty poos, poster paints or you and your daughter don't fancy shopping.

RockyBird · 19/08/2016 21:29

My friend gave me all her kids' old clothes, for years. Her MIL had a designer label thing going on so a lot of it was high end. She could have easily sold it. I kept the Ralph Lauren and Armani bits but the Burbery went straight to charity.

Itsallfunandgames · 19/08/2016 21:43

Get butteflies and zebras address and send them on, everone is then happy Smile

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