AIBU in thinking we should just chuck him on the streets and let him fend for himself?

[Kateallison16]

Backstory

DP has been friends for a really long time with "B". They used to work together until my DP got a job with a new company.
Now B has no family in the area and the ones he does have do not want anything to do with him. B split up from long term partner a couple of years back and has been on a spiral ever since. In the last few months he has lost his job (through not going in) and as of yesterday, his home.

B was staying with DP and myself for the last week when this happened as he had no money for food, so we were feeding him and buying him smokes until he benefits came through.

Well, B did not get his benefits on the day they were due, or the days after. Instead of chasing it up like a normal person he just "would do it later" but of course, later never came. So his landlords, tired of bailing him out and waiting for rent have kicked him out. He had no formal agreement with them so fair enough, whatever.
He was round ours when he got this call (DP was still at work) and he just carried on playing xbox....
I didnt understand how he could be so calm so I forced him suggested he call his landlords and find out whats going on.
So he did and they confirmed he needed to collect his stuff as soon as possible, including his paperwork (that he needs for his benefits).
My partner then comes home and B explains whats happened to him.

My partner and I discussed it and agreed B could stay with us for a few months until he finds his feet, providing he sorted out his benefit money and worked hard at finding a new job.
Me and DP living in a one bedroom flat with our DCat, so its not an ideal arrangment as B would need to sleep in our living room.

We are a few years younger that B and have our own problems. We both suffer with stress and depression/adjustment disorder ever since we lost our daughter a few years ago, had cancers and chemo and lost fertility... we are not your average 24 year olds and already live with a lot of stress. We are quite happy in our little bubble how it is and this is going to add a lot of stress on us. We dont have any savings and at the moment live paycheque. BUT we are of course willing to do this for a friend in need.

So, it gets to about 7pm last night and we start discussing how all this will come into being and making plans. B decided that would be a great time to go to his friends house and get high.

Now DP jumped on him and said "come on mate, you NEED to collect your stuff and paperwork so you cant get your money sorted first thing"

B said "Oh yeah I know man, but I just need a night to de-stress. Once night and I will be on it first thing tomorrow"

So after about 15mins of this he goes to his friends house, with a promise to collect his stuff and paperwork and have it sorted by morning ready to call up and chase after his benefits.

Morning comes, I havIm home from work today and have spent my day budgeting in an extra person to shop for and also ringing shelter to find out where he would stand on getting housing benefit as a lodger.
I give him a call, he tells me he has not got his paperwork or anything yet but will be round by 12 with his stuff, so we can sort through it and find him space in our home.
So I spent the rest of the morning finding him his own chest of draws and room for his things. It gets to 2.30pm and I give him a call, only to find he has been smoking weed all morning and has done nothing all day. He will "be round for dinner or whatever".

No. Fucking hell no.
Ive spent my day off chasing round after him, making room in our home for him, spending our hard earned wages on his ciggies, food and toiletries all for him to not even help himself.
DP said last night he wouldnt stand for this, and I know he will not. But I dont think he would see him on the streets either.

I know in my heart this is how it will be. He wont sort his money out for ages/if at all. He wont bother looking for work and he will nip and get stoned every few nights while we support him.
He is not our child. He is not our stay at home wife. What they hell are we doing?

My dp is going to be livid with him. I personally want to stick a hot poker up his arse to make him get up and sort his life out.

So, wise women of mumsnet, am I totally unreasonable to want to nip this in the bud before its even begun?

If he can't be arsed why should you be !
Tell him to fuck off!
He's not your partner or your child, you know no obligation to him.
Sounds like you've been really decent but if he can't meet you half way...
YANBU!

Is he really called Ben? Did you mean to use his name?

I suspect that you being off work for a week will make it less attractive for him to laze around the house. When you are back at work, I would take his key away and ban him from the house while you are out.

He must not stay in your flat when you are out, he will just smoke & play the console... He MUST be put out like the cat. it's imperative that he's not too comfortable.
£25 is a joke btw. he will obviously eat more than that if he's doing nada all day, plus elec etc. (Lock your booze away)

25 is a joke. I'd ask for 40-50 week depending on where you live to cover rent bills electric and especially food. 25 is actually taking the piss.

Opps. Oh well, not my problem, its a common name and I am way past the point of giving two shits tbh.

Yeah me and DP know he is costing more than that.
We have been buying an extra 4 loaves a week, 2 extra packets of ham, and he eats cheese like its going out of fashion.

Hes having normally 4 slices of toast with toppings for breakfast, 3 sandwiches for lunch, snacking on whatever is in sight (sausage rolls, crisps,biscuits) then having dinner with us. The other day he had 6 ice creams/ice poles for pudding.

There is no way £25 covers that, and that doesnt include the extra amount of food I buy for dinners, his washing gels and all that, electric, gas, water.

After working it out this morning, on an average week we would spend about £30 extra on food (with NO snacks for him)
About £2 a week on washing gels and softener, £8 gas and electric as he is on them all day, plus laptops and phone chargers. Its normally off all day for us.
£2.50 a week water, ours is on a meter thingy and he showers once a day, plus washing machine running too/extra washing up.
I make this:
£42.50 x 52 weeks = 2210
2210 by 12 months = £184 per month.

Am I being an idiot or does that work out?
Hes getting 317.
He said he would "Struggle" on 400 spending money and its F'all.
free money for doing nothing

So I reckon he will resent paying us that and move on sharpish.
Im not backing down on that amount. I know hes costing us that.

I want to make no profit on him being here but breaking even is non-negotiable.

he is not your responsibility
he is not your problem
he is not your child
you owe him nothing - one nigh on sofa for a mate yes; weeks - no way
it is not your role to feed and house him
he is an adult
you barely have space
ask him to leave in five days time before you go back to work

Why the fuck is he still in your house!

I'm glad you're being strong and not letting him exploit you and your partners kindness and instinct to help people.

Your dp sounds like he's lagging behind you on this a bit, but if he needs to have discharged his conscience, that's fine. As long as he doesn't let this cuckoo in your nest push any more boundaries, and as long as he puts your feelings and emotional state before this man.

I hope you feel better.

Round it up to £200 at the very least.

You've backed down ever so far. He needs to know that one step out of line means he's out.

If you're signed off then he's not "helping" with the housework, he's doing every last bit. And making dinner so it's ready when DP comes home. If he's made you ill then it's the very least he can do.

It's rarely true that "no is a complete sentence" but I think you will need it soon. You don't owe him anything. And by the way £117 a month is plenty for buying his own cigs and weed although he might be better off spending some of it on a bus pass and an interview outfit.

God he sounds so much someone I used to know. Except for the rich dad and brothers. You sure he is telling the truth about his family? Is his initials M.B.G? Using his middle name as his first?

Is he really a friend? How could he treat you with such utter contempt and disrespect when he knows what you have been through?

If your friends had experienced the same grief and trauma you had would you demand so much from them? He sounds completely resentful that he has to work for a living and look after himself as an adult. As his father won't dish out the cash (quite sensibly) he is trying to get what he sees as his 'rightful' easy lifestyle from others.

If he was your partner, what do you think people would say about him?

Sweetie, please don't let him guilt you into letting him stay.

He should be so grateful for what you are trying to do for him yet he moans that £400 is not enough spending money.

You need to put that leech out, NOW.

He will give you the £50 pw in advance I hope.

What about last week? Has he offered to do the weekly shop on Friday?

You've given him meals and snacks and cigarettes and toiletries and takeaway and board for a few days now. He has paid you nothing so far. Supermarket on Friday. His turn. Go with him. He needs to buy a lot of snacks, if he wants to eat snacks right?

If I were you I'd go all Mother Hubbard on the cupboards.

After all, you've only budgeted for him using up the minimum of everything. Considering his love of free food, I think your calculations are optimistic. You are going to be out of pocket. Make sure your DH feels the pain of the lost money. I'm surprised you can still afford cheese and crisps tbh.

Tho tbh I'd chuck him out. He sounds ungrateful and a bit of a loser who you mark my words will be stuck with till Christmas minimum.

Been reading all of these, thank you ladies, as usual you are full of nothing but support and help. Dont think for even A second I am not grateful.

Me and DP had a chat this morning. He thinks It wouldnt hurt to embellish a bit as I have been a bit over-generous on what we should charge him.
Me and DP are chatting about that tonight.
He has made it clear that NO money of B's is to be spent on weed. If he has the money to get high then he has the money to get out.
Quite rightly so.

We will be keeping him on track. Dont think B likes it that im home at the moment but thats tough. Saw my DR yesterday as we are concerned about some Gyne issues im still having and the doctor would rather me be home resting as to not make it worse until we know whats going on.
So im not going out to please him. No worries there.

I totally agree with the not buying "goodies" for him.
Any biscuits or bits im hiding in our room. Payday me and DP would normally get a takeaway, a few fruit ciders, curl up and binge watch our fave shows in the evening and we shall. B will not be joining us.
Got some comedians we are going to see this month and going for dinner out. So it will be nice to have that time away from him.

To be honest with you all, I cant imagine he will be here very long at all now we are being strict with him and charging twice the rent he thinks is "fair".

dont be naive please...he will stay longer and longer because even if you charge him £50 or £100 he knows it is a great deal.
also you cant control how he spends his money so how will you stop him buying weed or anything else?

just tell him he has two more days and that is it. you will start going out to get away from him...

plan b and c - do you have family or friends you can stay with?

it may come to a point where you tell your p - he goes or i go. and mean it. so if you have lovely family or friends you can stay with and be treated well, then start planning.

then make an ultimatum to your p and mean it.

he should not be putting B's needs over yours.

I predict he will have a number of 'emergencies' whereby he can't pay you.
He will eat your food, smoke in your flat and not help one whit with the housework. If you make him do housework he will deliberately do it badly so as not to be asked again.

Kick him out.

I wish I had that kind of disposable income.

Make him as uncomfortable as possible and he'll soon bugger off. Make sure you get £50 a week from him, at the very least.

Make him as uncomfortable as possible ..

seriously that wont work...dont drop hints, just tell him he cant stay any longer!

Make him pay in advance! Otherwise I genuinely think you won't get a penny from him and be out of pocket.

So he's turned over a new leaf?

I give it a week max. Just tell him he's got a week to sort something out and that will be £100, please. He's already cost you at least that much.

You and your partner sound like lovely people who have worked hard for what you have. I wish you both every happiness and I hope that you both put the stress of this situation behind you soon. Please don't feel guilty for someone else's poor choices. You have tried to help, but you can't do this for him and you can't wreck your happiness for an ungrateful layabout. Would he put himself out for you!
All the best.

I think you need to give him a deadline to be out. There is a reason all his family have told him they won't prop him up any longer.

It's really ok to start putting your own health first.