AIBU in thinking we should just chuck him on the streets and let him fend for himself?

[Kateallison16]

Backstory

DP has been friends for a really long time with "B". They used to work together until my DP got a job with a new company.
Now B has no family in the area and the ones he does have do not want anything to do with him. B split up from long term partner a couple of years back and has been on a spiral ever since. In the last few months he has lost his job (through not going in) and as of yesterday, his home.

B was staying with DP and myself for the last week when this happened as he had no money for food, so we were feeding him and buying him smokes until he benefits came through.

Well, B did not get his benefits on the day they were due, or the days after. Instead of chasing it up like a normal person he just "would do it later" but of course, later never came. So his landlords, tired of bailing him out and waiting for rent have kicked him out. He had no formal agreement with them so fair enough, whatever.
He was round ours when he got this call (DP was still at work) and he just carried on playing xbox....
I didnt understand how he could be so calm so I forced him suggested he call his landlords and find out whats going on.
So he did and they confirmed he needed to collect his stuff as soon as possible, including his paperwork (that he needs for his benefits).
My partner then comes home and B explains whats happened to him.

My partner and I discussed it and agreed B could stay with us for a few months until he finds his feet, providing he sorted out his benefit money and worked hard at finding a new job.
Me and DP living in a one bedroom flat with our DCat, so its not an ideal arrangment as B would need to sleep in our living room.

We are a few years younger that B and have our own problems. We both suffer with stress and depression/adjustment disorder ever since we lost our daughter a few years ago, had cancers and chemo and lost fertility... we are not your average 24 year olds and already live with a lot of stress. We are quite happy in our little bubble how it is and this is going to add a lot of stress on us. We dont have any savings and at the moment live paycheque. BUT we are of course willing to do this for a friend in need.

So, it gets to about 7pm last night and we start discussing how all this will come into being and making plans. B decided that would be a great time to go to his friends house and get high.

Now DP jumped on him and said "come on mate, you NEED to collect your stuff and paperwork so you cant get your money sorted first thing"

B said "Oh yeah I know man, but I just need a night to de-stress. Once night and I will be on it first thing tomorrow"

So after about 15mins of this he goes to his friends house, with a promise to collect his stuff and paperwork and have it sorted by morning ready to call up and chase after his benefits.

Morning comes, I havIm home from work today and have spent my day budgeting in an extra person to shop for and also ringing shelter to find out where he would stand on getting housing benefit as a lodger.
I give him a call, he tells me he has not got his paperwork or anything yet but will be round by 12 with his stuff, so we can sort through it and find him space in our home.
So I spent the rest of the morning finding him his own chest of draws and room for his things. It gets to 2.30pm and I give him a call, only to find he has been smoking weed all morning and has done nothing all day. He will "be round for dinner or whatever".

No. Fucking hell no.
Ive spent my day off chasing round after him, making room in our home for him, spending our hard earned wages on his ciggies, food and toiletries all for him to not even help himself.
DP said last night he wouldnt stand for this, and I know he will not. But I dont think he would see him on the streets either.

I know in my heart this is how it will be. He wont sort his money out for ages/if at all. He wont bother looking for work and he will nip and get stoned every few nights while we support him.
He is not our child. He is not our stay at home wife. What they hell are we doing?

My dp is going to be livid with him. I personally want to stick a hot poker up his arse to make him get up and sort his life out.

So, wise women of mumsnet, am I totally unreasonable to want to nip this in the bud before its even begun?

What would be worrying me about this is why does your husband appear to want him there so much?

TBH I think it is really weird and I think that he should be taking your feelings into account a lot more.

Also sweetie he needs to be giving you rent money and then sort out all his own food otherwise how is he going to cope when he is living on his own?

I am assuming he is going to claim JSA and when he gets his own place at some point he is going to have to pay everything bills, some CT and food out of £73.10 as long as his LHA completely covers his rent.

If it doesn't he may have to pay some out that as well out of his £73.10.

DP has been very firm with him

Really? When he said thy'd discuss the "contribution" on Friday instead of telling him straight up that £25 isn't enough?

You're being thoroughly played and it won't stop until you both take this on board and act accordingly

I have to say-it doesn't sound like your husband has been firm with him at all! This friend sounds horrible-why is your DH friends with someone like that?

randomer The support system,though weakened,still exists.

You have to be counted as "priority need" for the council to have a duty to house you, even in a hostel. I learnt this the hard way. (Priority: pregnant, with dependent children, eldery, and some physical or mental health conditions.)

Not that the OP should help this pisstaker, but it's concerning how many people don't seem to know the reality of the housing situation. Again, I learnt this the hard way when people assumed I wasn't trying to "help myself". I was, unlike this guy, because I was scouring the rooms to rent ads, spending my JSA wisely etc.

*I predict he will have a number of 'emergencies' whereby he can't pay you.
He will eat your food, smoke in your flat and not help one whit with the housework. If you make him do housework he will deliberately do it badly so as not to be asked again.

Kick him out.*

Yup. He's still getting a great deal, as a pp said, so he'll be exploiting you as long as possible.

You need to have a deadline for him to be out. Cast iron, no excuses, stuff on the street if he isn't gone by then.

it's concerning how many people don't seem to know the reality of the housing situation
Yes you are correct the housing situation is shit and sometimes those who know how to play the system are often given more help than those who actually need it.

However dire B's situation is, it still really is not the OP's problem.

OP
Are you and your DH living in rented accommodation because if you are you could be breaking the terms of your own lease.

If B is as much of an arsehole as he sounds it may be that he could upset your neighbours and they would be able to inform the council, HA or landlord of his presence and that could put you at risk of losing your home too.

I don't want to scare you by saying this but things like this can happen and do happen all the time. Another issue is that if you are claiming any sort of benefits and not declaring that he is living with you, you could also have a problem there.

it also give you an excuse if you need it - re: estate agents have been in touch and said they've had a report and you have to go as this is a 2 bed max occupancy and they've said they'll kick us out.

You are both total mugs who might well be violating terms of your lease as , since he's contributing, you have effectively taking in a lodger/subletting. He's a freeloading loser who doesn't give a rat's arse about either of you. He'll continue ripping hte piss out of you. Who the fuck buys cigarettes for some deadweight?

Stop buying cigarettes for him now!

It's like he has a blind spot where B is concerned. I can't force DP to see everyone light and he won't toss his friend out without more cause.
B is prone to threaten suicide and is always on his very best behaviour in front of DP.
I refuse to argue with my partner about it as I think come tonight it will fix itself.

He hasn't paid us a penny yet, we need to look on where we stand having B here. Cause obviously we won't risk our home for him.

I totally get everyone's view here. But my DP stood by me through cancer twice, chemo, fertility loss and out daughter dying. I think I can stand by him until he comes to realise what a waste of space his friend is.

I'm doing all I can to push him to wake up.

Cause obviously we won't risk our home for him
If you are privately renting chances are you already are if he has stayed for longer than what could be called a holiday.

I'm doing all I can to push him to wake up
This worries me though you say you need to wake DH up but I think you need to wake up too. I mean this kindly not in a horrible way.

we need to look on where we stand having B here
Sweetheart, you say this, but why are you even considering him here, you really need to start thinking about yourself here.

This is one of those threads one reads with one's mouth open - and yes, I do know of a couple of people like this, but fortunately it wasn't me they sponged off - but nearly hurt my jaw with this bit: Dont think B likes it that im home at the moment but thats tough. Er, does he actually realise it's your home he's dossing in? Verily the world doth owe him a living, that one.

Very good point about whether you're breaking your rental contract by technically subletting. You need to be careful.

You could well be risking your own lease here... Imagine he comes back stoned one night and pisses off a neighbour? Now you're not that nice couple upstairs, you're a house people will be concerned about living next to. That's when people report to landlords. Be careful

We had a mate of dh's living with us for way too long. He stayed a year. He was lovely, kind, paid rent, cooked etc and it STILL nearly broke us. The dynamic changes with someone else there... I would never do it again.

Doesn't like it when you're home??? Ye gods! I'm speechless. He's got his feet under the table hasn't he?

This is not going to end well.,he needs to go, or he's going to make your lives miserable (and you seem like a very nice person who doesn't deserve that!)

Your dp needs to understand that his mate is a freeloader who could cost him his home

It doesn't matter if he does housework badly, just stand there and point out the bits he missed.... and keep on doing that until he's learnt to do it properly.

Get the money on Friday for the week ahead, or whatever day it's paid to him, so he doesn't have a chance to have an 'emergency' before he hands over your share.

Don't hide food in your room, that's like being back in a houseshare. When you catch him scoffing, or when you find that 4 packets of something have disappeared, tell him to replace them. If he doesn't, add the cost to the rent and take it on the next Friday.

Do point out to him that he's not your child, and does need to pay his way. If he wants treats, then he needs to buy them himself, and can stash them somewhere himself.

You shouldn't have to do any of these things OP- this is YOUR home, not his.

He needs to leave, doesn't sound much like your DP is thinking of you when he's in no hurry to get rid of this freeloading waster.

Of course you should support your dp, just not in a way that ends up putting this user above you, or yours & dps relationship.

I am slightly concerned my your dps determination to control this man and attempt to enforce behaviour change.

It won't work.

The man is a grown adult, and has chosen his way of life and his own values.

Your partner is on no position to try and impose a different lifestyle on him, which is really what he's doing.

It's for very good motives, but sadly, that's not how people change, and it won't end with this friend having some kind of epiphany and turning his life around. It will be frustrating and futile! I know your partner feels that he's at the beginning of this, but that man, he's ever so far along his journey. Your DP seems to be forgetting that. I bet there are a whole bunch of people who've tried to intervene and 'help'.

If he wanted to change he'd be changing, grabbing the chance you're offering him and actually doing something... But he's not is he?!

Like others I predict two outcomes:
He'll either attempt to lie and weedle his way out of it, as your DP is setting himself up as a paternal figure, this user will channel his inner teenager. Whining, lying, ungrateful taking of whatever he wants and kicking up against any expectations imposed or bargains struck.
OR
He'll refuse to accept this dynamic and carry on with his own shitty behaviour whatever arrangements have been agreed. When you believe everyone owes you a living, there's little room for guilt. Then either your DP will cave in and let this man encroach more & more on your lives, or it will end in a bust up where he storms out ... To some other kind soul who has been filled with a story of woe, probably based on how awful the people he's living with are!

And yes, maybe you haven't given a balanced description of this man. But why do you need to? No positive stories take away the negatives. You cannot balance out being a user and a blood sucker with any good points...

I'd be really weary about hiding food/ treats, me and my mum had to that because of my alcoholic dad and it is far more bothersome than you'd think. Make sure he doesn't make you feel uncomfortable in your own home and please check your lease, last thing you need is trouble with your LL.

I posted about my waster brother earlier. What I didn't mention is that at the point we took him in, my dear dad warned me that he would use me and rip me off. He knew that because my brother had done that to my parents and others more than once. I didn't listen - too naive/ trusting/hopeful/ fond of my brother. Rather like the OP on this thread isn't listening to us.

I was very lucky that when my brother did a runner owing me and my husband the equivalent of about a months wages my dad very, very kindly dipped into his own savings and reimbursed us. I doubt very much Ben's parents will be doing the same for the OP. And it is very telling that like my brother, he hasn't gone to his parents for help.

He knew that because my brother had done that to my parents and others more than once
But he was your brother and maybe that is why you felt like you should help him. I don't understand why the OP is expected to care about B as he is just an old work colleague of her DH's.

very kindly dipped into his own savings and reimbursed us
As you said I don't think that there is any chance of this happening with B and by the sounds of it the OP is in no position to be giving away money.

Aaaaaaand B is going to have to move on. DP told him thismorning.

So what did he do?

Op thank goodness!!

Good tidings :)

What happened?