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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU in thinking we should just chuck him on the streets and let him fend for himself?

286 replies

Kateallison16 · 16/08/2016 14:59

Backstory

DP has been friends for a really long time with "B". They used to work together until my DP got a job with a new company.
Now B has no family in the area and the ones he does have do not want anything to do with him. B split up from long term partner a couple of years back and has been on a spiral ever since. In the last few months he has lost his job (through not going in) and as of yesterday, his home.

B was staying with DP and myself for the last week when this happened as he had no money for food, so we were feeding him and buying him smokes until he benefits came through.

Well, B did not get his benefits on the day they were due, or the days after. Instead of chasing it up like a normal person he just "would do it later" but of course, later never came. So his landlords, tired of bailing him out and waiting for rent have kicked him out. He had no formal agreement with them so fair enough, whatever.
He was round ours when he got this call (DP was still at work) and he just carried on playing xbox....
I didnt understand how he could be so calm so I forced him suggested he call his landlords and find out whats going on.
So he did and they confirmed he needed to collect his stuff as soon as possible, including his paperwork (that he needs for his benefits).
My partner then comes home and B explains whats happened to him.

My partner and I discussed it and agreed B could stay with us for a few months until he finds his feet, providing he sorted out his benefit money and worked hard at finding a new job.
Me and DP living in a one bedroom flat with our DCat, so its not an ideal arrangment as B would need to sleep in our living room.

We are a few years younger that B and have our own problems. We both suffer with stress and depression/adjustment disorder ever since we lost our daughter a few years ago, had cancers and chemo and lost fertility... we are not your average 24 year olds and already live with a lot of stress. We are quite happy in our little bubble how it is and this is going to add a lot of stress on us. We dont have any savings and at the moment live paycheque. BUT we are of course willing to do this for a friend in need.

So, it gets to about 7pm last night and we start discussing how all this will come into being and making plans. B decided that would be a great time to go to his friends house and get high.

Now DP jumped on him and said "come on mate, you NEED to collect your stuff and paperwork so you cant get your money sorted first thing"

B said "Oh yeah I know man, but I just need a night to de-stress. Once night and I will be on it first thing tomorrow"

So after about 15mins of this he goes to his friends house, with a promise to collect his stuff and paperwork and have it sorted by morning ready to call up and chase after his benefits.

Morning comes, I havIm home from work today and have spent my day budgeting in an extra person to shop for and also ringing shelter to find out where he would stand on getting housing benefit as a lodger.
I give him a call, he tells me he has not got his paperwork or anything yet but will be round by 12 with his stuff, so we can sort through it and find him space in our home.
So I spent the rest of the morning finding him his own chest of draws and room for his things. It gets to 2.30pm and I give him a call, only to find he has been smoking weed all morning and has done nothing all day. He will "be round for dinner or whatever".

No. Fucking hell no.
Ive spent my day off chasing round after him, making room in our home for him, spending our hard earned wages on his ciggies, food and toiletries all for him to not even help himself.
DP said last night he wouldnt stand for this, and I know he will not. But I dont think he would see him on the streets either.

I know in my heart this is how it will be. He wont sort his money out for ages/if at all. He wont bother looking for work and he will nip and get stoned every few nights while we support him.
He is not our child. He is not our stay at home wife. What they hell are we doing?

My dp is going to be livid with him. I personally want to stick a hot poker up his arse to make him get up and sort his life out.

So, wise women of mumsnet, am I totally unreasonable to want to nip this in the bud before its even begun?

OP posts:
TaLLyHOnellie · 16/08/2016 18:53

I agree with all the previous posters....and as much as I don't like to be judgemental - if he has an addiction and using drugs etc, please look after your belongings. It would be awful if things starting to go missing.

YourNewspaperIsShit · 16/08/2016 19:17

He's clever. He's worked out exactly where your boundaries are and will stop piss taking exactly where they are. Not only a free loader but a talented and manipulative one.

This

My exM&Dil latch on to weaknesses to manipulate people (aka me) and when I finally get mad they just back off to just before the 'limit' they pushed then nudge at it slowly over time. The only thing you can do with people like this is make your limits pretty much unreasonable ones, for example "no I won't even buy your food" or "you can't even stay here for a week"

PaulDacreCuntyMcCuntFace · 16/08/2016 19:42

I would boot him out, but if you feel obliged to let him stay then I would strongly suggest the following approach:

No keys for him - get them back off him ASAP. When you and your DP leave the flat then he also needs to go. He should be busy down at Shelter, the job centre and trying to find alternative work during the day anyway.

A strict time limit to the offer - 'a few months' is FAR too long and too vague. I would put a maximum of 2 weeks on it and make it crystal clear:

"You can stay until X date but you cannot stop any longer than that. If you haven't got another room or flat lined up by that time then you'll need to find another friend to stay with. You need to understand that under no circumstances will you be able to stay here after X date - this is non-negotiable."

Food is what is served up. If he doesn't like it then he needs to sort himself out - unless there are allergies involved, in which case it's fair to make a reasonable effort to accommodate them. If he's hungry then he'll eat what's put in front of him. When you are living on someone else's charity as a result of your own fecklessness, then you don't have the right to be picky.

He mucks in with household chores - so give him an allocated task; taking the bins out, doing the washing up etc. He has to pull his weight - especially if you are providing food and a roof gratis.

Stop buying him cigarettes. He's not earning - he cannot afford to smoke and the pair of you aren't made of money. If he is so desperate to smoke then this will incentivise him to get a job and start earning money.

I have been on the bones of my arse and on someone's sofa before. I was pathetically grateful - and still remember the cig cravings as I was a smoker at the time, but couldn't afford tobacco and wouldn't have dreamed of asking my mate to sub me.

justilou · 16/08/2016 21:31

He is a waste of oxygen. Get him out.

spongebob5 · 16/08/2016 22:17

He needs to present at the local council offices as homeless, that's him, not you doing it on his behalf. You sound lovely & he will take advantage of this massively. It's his problem not yours!

ENormaSnob · 16/08/2016 22:27

Why on earth have you got this loser around your kids?

He is a leech. A scrounging cunt.

And you, as lovely as you may be, are a mug.

BarryTheKestrel · 16/08/2016 22:32

Do not buy his cigarettes for a start. Beggars can't be choosers and he takes what he is given. In this case, emotional support would be fine, financial support is a no no. He also wouldn't be able to stay more than 48 hours if in my house. He can find emergency accommodation or another sofa in that time.

Do not enable his shitty behaviour.

flanjabelle · 16/08/2016 22:35

.

Jodie1982 · 16/08/2016 22:46

I've got a feeling your letting him stay....your too nice!
The council won't help him as he's not 'homeless' as he'll be living with you and DP.

annandale · 16/08/2016 22:54

It's actually OK to 'break' the rules of an 'agreement' you've made because the initial 'agreement' was completely unreasonable... You've already spent how many hours of un-needed stress because of this guy? What might have been reasonable? Your dh meeting him for a good chinwag down the pub, maybe bought him a pint, discussed what to do next, 'mate i've screwed up, want to turn over a new leaf'. Emotional support, honesty and a bit of generosity - that sounds like friendship. Moving in with friends who have had a really tough few years and fucking them over several times in the first 48 hours?? Does that sound like friendship to you?

You can just say 'This has already been really awful. My home is my haven and I don't want to have to defend my peace of mind all the time, and I shouldn't have to. Leave now and maybe we can all be friends in the future'. You don't have to wait for him to break some new rule that he has made you have to make up!!

SawdustInMyHair · 16/08/2016 23:02

Farfromtheusual yes! It doesn't matter how down in their luck someone is, I would never buy them cigarettes!

He has to go OP, frankly unless an actual disaster has happened (fire, sudden, unexpected loss of work etc), a grown person shouldn't be staying on your sofa for 'a couple of months'.

I don't think he'd end up on the streets, I think he'd actually begin to help himself. It's not that he can't, it's that he doesn't care to or need to. Once he needs to meet his own needs he will, because he clearly doesn't want to be uncomfortable.

FannyFifer · 16/08/2016 23:21

This bloke is not a friend but a using bastard.
Stay strong & get the fecker out!

MeMySonandl · 16/08/2016 23:22

So, how did the conversation went? Is he still part of your household? Are he and DH at the pub after you kicked both out, ore is he packing to leave?

Or... He is still not home or too stoned to discuss anything?

I'm sorry you have been landed with such a certified free loader.

Inertia · 16/08/2016 23:26

I sincerely hope you haven't given in.

He has options- he has druggie friends, he has family , he could sort out his benefits- but his preferred option was to bleed you dry while he sat on his arse taking drugs and playing x-box. Stay strong!

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 16/08/2016 23:46

Ynbu. You've given him an inch and he's taken I don't know about 1 mile more like a million miles.
What the hell are we doing.
That's the million dollar question. You must need your bumps feeling. To put up with it.

WhingyNinja · 16/08/2016 23:50

I hope you stood your ground and chucked the git out!

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 16/08/2016 23:54

I bet he was too stoned to have a proper conversation with you. Loser.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 16/08/2016 23:58

Op. I hope you realise you are doing a wonderful and very charitable thing, and that should be applauded.
However that's how fucked up this world is you try to help some people and they take liberties.

Bogeyface · 17/08/2016 00:23

You did a wonderfully kind thing, but sadly the person you did it for is a fucking sponger. There is a reason that his family dont want to know him.

I hope that your DP was on the same page and B is now facing the realities of truly having burned his bridges.

Bogeyface · 17/08/2016 00:23

And I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter Flowers

Memoires · 17/08/2016 00:59

He sounds so like a friend of dh's. His marriage went down the pan and he exacerbated his loss by throwing everything else he had away. He spent more and more of his time getting stoned, and became a small dealer himself for a while in order to pay for his own habit.

We tried to help him for years, but his spiral was firmly downwards. From his behaviour, and his conversation, it was as if he were trying to punish his ex "look what you have done! This is all your fault", and by making himself in as awful a state as possible, she would somehow be sorry.

I gave up on him years ago. He was an arrogant, ignorant twat. DH gave up on him 2 years ago.

We gave him an old car.
We gave him houseroom.
We gave him a computer.
We gave him money.
He ate our food.
He turned our flat into a pit.
He was rude and boorish.
He was taken for a drive by a man with a gun.

Don't let yourself in for that. DH's friend still hasn't done anything for himself. He inherited a large amount of money, but won't open a bank account so it has to be doled out to him periodically by a solicitor whilehe complains he has nowhere to live. He could buy a 4 bed house with what he's got, but he won't. He is now lodging with his son.

So put on your hard hat and get him out before he drifts into the helpless state dh's mate is in.

Italiangreyhound · 17/08/2016 03:33

YANBU. He is taking the piss.

Look after yourselves, you need to. He is just not pulling any kind of weigh here.

Atenco · 17/08/2016 05:10

There was a while there that I thought, if I ever had the money I would set up a home for men who cannot look after themselves, there are so bloody many of them.
I hope you have been able to sort this out, OP.

Original poster
Kateallison16 · 17/08/2016 07:09

enorma he's not around "my kids"
My daughter died and I can't have any more.

I'm not a fucking idiot.

OP posts:
EreniTheFrog · 17/08/2016 07:26

OP, it sounds as though you might be mothering him like the second child you cannot have. You seem lovely, and very sad.

Please, stick to your resolve here.

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