Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU in thinking we should just chuck him on the streets and let him fend for himself?

286 replies

Kateallison16 · 16/08/2016 14:59

Backstory

DP has been friends for a really long time with "B". They used to work together until my DP got a job with a new company.
Now B has no family in the area and the ones he does have do not want anything to do with him. B split up from long term partner a couple of years back and has been on a spiral ever since. In the last few months he has lost his job (through not going in) and as of yesterday, his home.

B was staying with DP and myself for the last week when this happened as he had no money for food, so we were feeding him and buying him smokes until he benefits came through.

Well, B did not get his benefits on the day they were due, or the days after. Instead of chasing it up like a normal person he just "would do it later" but of course, later never came. So his landlords, tired of bailing him out and waiting for rent have kicked him out. He had no formal agreement with them so fair enough, whatever.
He was round ours when he got this call (DP was still at work) and he just carried on playing xbox....
I didnt understand how he could be so calm so I forced him suggested he call his landlords and find out whats going on.
So he did and they confirmed he needed to collect his stuff as soon as possible, including his paperwork (that he needs for his benefits).
My partner then comes home and B explains whats happened to him.

My partner and I discussed it and agreed B could stay with us for a few months until he finds his feet, providing he sorted out his benefit money and worked hard at finding a new job.
Me and DP living in a one bedroom flat with our DCat, so its not an ideal arrangment as B would need to sleep in our living room.

We are a few years younger that B and have our own problems. We both suffer with stress and depression/adjustment disorder ever since we lost our daughter a few years ago, had cancers and chemo and lost fertility... we are not your average 24 year olds and already live with a lot of stress. We are quite happy in our little bubble how it is and this is going to add a lot of stress on us. We dont have any savings and at the moment live paycheque. BUT we are of course willing to do this for a friend in need.

So, it gets to about 7pm last night and we start discussing how all this will come into being and making plans. B decided that would be a great time to go to his friends house and get high.

Now DP jumped on him and said "come on mate, you NEED to collect your stuff and paperwork so you cant get your money sorted first thing"

B said "Oh yeah I know man, but I just need a night to de-stress. Once night and I will be on it first thing tomorrow"

So after about 15mins of this he goes to his friends house, with a promise to collect his stuff and paperwork and have it sorted by morning ready to call up and chase after his benefits.

Morning comes, I havIm home from work today and have spent my day budgeting in an extra person to shop for and also ringing shelter to find out where he would stand on getting housing benefit as a lodger.
I give him a call, he tells me he has not got his paperwork or anything yet but will be round by 12 with his stuff, so we can sort through it and find him space in our home.
So I spent the rest of the morning finding him his own chest of draws and room for his things. It gets to 2.30pm and I give him a call, only to find he has been smoking weed all morning and has done nothing all day. He will "be round for dinner or whatever".

No. Fucking hell no.
Ive spent my day off chasing round after him, making room in our home for him, spending our hard earned wages on his ciggies, food and toiletries all for him to not even help himself.
DP said last night he wouldnt stand for this, and I know he will not. But I dont think he would see him on the streets either.

I know in my heart this is how it will be. He wont sort his money out for ages/if at all. He wont bother looking for work and he will nip and get stoned every few nights while we support him.
He is not our child. He is not our stay at home wife. What they hell are we doing?

My dp is going to be livid with him. I personally want to stick a hot poker up his arse to make him get up and sort his life out.

So, wise women of mumsnet, am I totally unreasonable to want to nip this in the bud before its even begun?

OP posts:
PaulDacreCuntyMcCuntFace · 17/08/2016 08:03

Enorma that was harsh. The OP said in her OP that she had lost her DD and that there was infertility as a result of chemo for cancer.

redshoeblueshoe · 17/08/2016 08:10

Kate I hope you are OK this morning. Yesterday you said you might show this thread to your DH, I think that is a good idea. Please ignore people who can't be bothered to read the full thread.
If your DH wants him to stay a bit longer then please follow some of the advice given by pp, especially - take away his key, and he needs to be out of the flat between 9-5, preferably trying to get a job, flat, etc. Flowers

MillionToOneChances · 17/08/2016 08:11

Enorma It was right there in the OP in bold. There are a fair few people on this site suffering bereavement and infertility, so reading at least the OP properly is pretty crucial.

Kate Hope you've got things sorted. As a PP said, you can change the agreement, you don't have to give him more chances.

Damselindestress · 17/08/2016 08:14

Sorry for your loss. I think B is massively taking advantage and you were right to stand up to him. His attitude isn't going to improve. You offered him an opportunity to stay with you and get back on his feet but he didn't do the minimum necessary like sort out his paperwork and possessions or discuss the situation with you. He would never have taken steps to find employment or alternative accommodation and it would have been more awkward to get him out after a few months. You have been good friends to him but he has taken you for granted and you can't help him if he won't help himself. Stick to your guns.

CoraPirbright · 17/08/2016 08:21

How is it going OP? Has the piss-taker gone?

And slow hand-clap for Enorma. Read the OP fgs.

expatinscotland · 17/08/2016 08:22

Get rid of this person, out of your life, NOW.

MummaGiles · 17/08/2016 08:23

First of all stop paying for his cigarettes. Seriously. That is not the same as food and roof.

Then kick him out.

randomer · 17/08/2016 08:30

OP you are not chucking him onto the streets. The support system,though weakened,still exists. He can get help if he chooses.

You guys need to help yourselves.

randomer · 17/08/2016 08:32

btw anyone who chooses to smoke weed rather than face reality is not going to enhance your life

Damselindestress · 17/08/2016 08:34

I missed your recent message when I posted, I really hope he hasn't wormed his way back in!

GooodMythicalMorning · 17/08/2016 08:37

Hope you are ok

Gowgirl · 17/08/2016 08:49

Morning, I read this last night, and really think you need to put a time limit on him staying with you, for gods sake stop buying his ciggies, don't give him any money and don't leave any in the flat chances are he will Nick it! I have had friends like this they suck you dry and move onto the next person.
It's a shitty situation for you to be in BrewCake

MidniteScribbler · 17/08/2016 09:04

Why the fuck would anyone buy cigarettes for another person?

mickeysminnie · 17/08/2016 09:05
Biscuit
Samkate · 17/08/2016 09:16

How did the chat go last night OP?

Gowgirl · 17/08/2016 09:16

I have bought them for my mum when I know she's skint midnight, but unfortunately the days of chucking your packet on the table with a help yourself are over....

Liiinoo · 17/08/2016 09:26

Apart form the weed this could be my DB you are describing. (He was a drinker not a smoker). He used and abused every family member and friend he could. Would roll up pathetic and homeless, be given a bed and hospitality,and often money until either they got frustrated and kicked him out or he got so drunk he just failed to return for a few nights and started dossing somewhere else. He did it to me and my DH - he rang up one night from a city hundreds of miles away with not a penny to his name and only the clothes on his back. We paid his fare back to our home town, we gave him our spare room, paid for new clothes, gave him cash to keep him ticking over until he started earning / his benefits kicked in. 4 months later he did a runner after I asked him to clean the bath. When we eventually cleared his room we discovered the giros and payslips confirming he had had an income for most of the time he was with us but had lied to spend the money on alcohol. Special Brew mainly, judging from the hundreds of empty cans stacked up in the wardrobe and under the bed.

He carried on like this until there was no-one left to sponge off. When he was in his thirties he did end up on the streets and was genuinely homeless for some years. That was the wake up call he needed and although he is basically still a waster( no job, no interests, no friends, just tv and cider) , he is now sufficiently motivated to keep a roof over his head.

GOod luck OP - learn from my mistakes. Don't let a kind heart allow this man to mug you off.

randomer · 17/08/2016 09:30

just because you have had bad times yourself,doesn't mean you have to help others.

Damselindestress · 17/08/2016 09:36

Remember, when you offered him accommodation and simply wanted to discuss the arrangements he chose to go and get stoned instead. That was his chance and he blew it. Don't feel pressured to offer him another one.

TheGruffaloMother · 17/08/2016 09:39

So how did things go OP?

YouTheCat · 17/08/2016 09:48

You say his parents are well off, so I'd presume he's had all the advantages of a good education and a comfortable upbringing?

He's a total waste of space. Let him go and live on the streets. It'd be completely his own fault and no one else's.

PersianCatLady · 17/08/2016 13:21

And slow hand-clap for Enorma. Read the OP fgs
Exactly, even if you can't manage to read all of the subsequent posts you should always read the OP.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 17/08/2016 18:44

My partner said last night he still has hope for him, a tiny chance he might wake up

Not while you're making things easy for him he won't Hmm

Not RTFT yet, but people like this have a genius for latching on to others who can sometimes be almost TOO generous. Kick him out now and be done with all this nonsense

Memoires · 18/08/2016 10:17

My partner said last night he still has hope for him

Does your partner see himself as somehow magical, or is he an addiction counsellor or something? Otherwise, why does he think that he is the person who will get his friend sorted? What is it about him that he thinks will sort his friend out when even his friend's family haven't been able to?

And, more importantly, why does your dh think it's OK for you to pour your energy and resources into his friend?

Your dh isn't thinking straight.

Original poster
Kateallison16 · 18/08/2016 10:31

Hi guys, sorry I didn't update. Lots gone on the last couple of days (doctors and stuff)

Well he came back once DP was home and I showed DP the post. He said I was posting all the negatives. I'm not sure what positives there were but there we go. He will probably read this post as he knows my username.

Well Ben has finally got his money sorted and he had a job interview thing yesterday. He also went to citizens advice.

He's getting paid 317 on Friday and offered us 25 pounds a week.
Me and DP already worked out prior to this it's costing more like 40 a week to have him there.
So DP said to him that we will sort it all out Friday, as 25 might not definitely isnt enough to keep him without us loosing out.

DP has been very firm with him, I don't imagine Ben will be around for long in all honesty.

I went out with my closest friends yesterday for coffee and lunch and had a good old natter about all that's bothering me, which really helped my state of mind.

B is at job center at the moment signing on and has promised to help me with the housework once he is home. (I'm signed off work for a week at the moment)

We have been making it difficult for him to laze about, which has helped.
DP said if he gets lazy again he's putting him out - I will be there to make sure it's enforced.

Think DP just wanted to give him a fair shot. Let's hope he gets this job and everything goes back to normal soon!

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread