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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU in thinking we should just chuck him on the streets and let him fend for himself?

286 replies

Kateallison16 · 16/08/2016 14:59

Backstory

DP has been friends for a really long time with "B". They used to work together until my DP got a job with a new company.
Now B has no family in the area and the ones he does have do not want anything to do with him. B split up from long term partner a couple of years back and has been on a spiral ever since. In the last few months he has lost his job (through not going in) and as of yesterday, his home.

B was staying with DP and myself for the last week when this happened as he had no money for food, so we were feeding him and buying him smokes until he benefits came through.

Well, B did not get his benefits on the day they were due, or the days after. Instead of chasing it up like a normal person he just "would do it later" but of course, later never came. So his landlords, tired of bailing him out and waiting for rent have kicked him out. He had no formal agreement with them so fair enough, whatever.
He was round ours when he got this call (DP was still at work) and he just carried on playing xbox....
I didnt understand how he could be so calm so I forced him suggested he call his landlords and find out whats going on.
So he did and they confirmed he needed to collect his stuff as soon as possible, including his paperwork (that he needs for his benefits).
My partner then comes home and B explains whats happened to him.

My partner and I discussed it and agreed B could stay with us for a few months until he finds his feet, providing he sorted out his benefit money and worked hard at finding a new job.
Me and DP living in a one bedroom flat with our DCat, so its not an ideal arrangment as B would need to sleep in our living room.

We are a few years younger that B and have our own problems. We both suffer with stress and depression/adjustment disorder ever since we lost our daughter a few years ago, had cancers and chemo and lost fertility... we are not your average 24 year olds and already live with a lot of stress. We are quite happy in our little bubble how it is and this is going to add a lot of stress on us. We dont have any savings and at the moment live paycheque. BUT we are of course willing to do this for a friend in need.

So, it gets to about 7pm last night and we start discussing how all this will come into being and making plans. B decided that would be a great time to go to his friends house and get high.

Now DP jumped on him and said "come on mate, you NEED to collect your stuff and paperwork so you cant get your money sorted first thing"

B said "Oh yeah I know man, but I just need a night to de-stress. Once night and I will be on it first thing tomorrow"

So after about 15mins of this he goes to his friends house, with a promise to collect his stuff and paperwork and have it sorted by morning ready to call up and chase after his benefits.

Morning comes, I havIm home from work today and have spent my day budgeting in an extra person to shop for and also ringing shelter to find out where he would stand on getting housing benefit as a lodger.
I give him a call, he tells me he has not got his paperwork or anything yet but will be round by 12 with his stuff, so we can sort through it and find him space in our home.
So I spent the rest of the morning finding him his own chest of draws and room for his things. It gets to 2.30pm and I give him a call, only to find he has been smoking weed all morning and has done nothing all day. He will "be round for dinner or whatever".

No. Fucking hell no.
Ive spent my day off chasing round after him, making room in our home for him, spending our hard earned wages on his ciggies, food and toiletries all for him to not even help himself.
DP said last night he wouldnt stand for this, and I know he will not. But I dont think he would see him on the streets either.

I know in my heart this is how it will be. He wont sort his money out for ages/if at all. He wont bother looking for work and he will nip and get stoned every few nights while we support him.
He is not our child. He is not our stay at home wife. What they hell are we doing?

My dp is going to be livid with him. I personally want to stick a hot poker up his arse to make him get up and sort his life out.

So, wise women of mumsnet, am I totally unreasonable to want to nip this in the bud before its even begun?

OP posts:
Original poster
Kateallison16 · 16/08/2016 15:27

The more I am hearing you all day it The more I realise we have been fucking idiots.

Should I call B and say like "If you want to stay here, go get your things and be here before 5 so you have time to call benefits office and sort your shit out."
If he says no/ he cant/ busy/ excuses shall I just say " Well me and DP need to you sort this out B, and it needs to be done today or we will have to re-think all of this"

? Fuck it im gunna do it! Back in a roly-mo!

OP posts:
CarrotVan · 16/08/2016 15:29

It's AUGUST - winter is 3 months away minimum and it's not like winter in Moscow. He's got time to get his act together before then

He has abused your goodwill from the moment it was offered it. Boot him now otherwise you'll be stuck with him and no privacy for months and months because he'll have no incentive to get himself organised.

If you must do something offer him an evening meal once or twice a week

headinthecloud · 16/08/2016 15:32

I agree with a previous poster. He won't sort his shit out until he's hit rock bottom.
If I were you I'd insist he's out. Today.

ElspethFlashman · 16/08/2016 15:33

And he appears to have plenty of mates to smoke with!

He won't find himself short of a sofa, bet you anything. He'll rock up to this mates, stay for weeks, until the mate goes postal and kicks him out. And then he'll find another "mates" sofa.

ItShouldHaveBeenJess · 16/08/2016 15:33

Oh, OP you have been through so much already in your fairly young life; which is probably why you are so kind hearted and sensitive to the needs of others, but you cannot 'save' this man; he needs to realise how far he has fallen. You cannot afford it, it will likely put a strain on your relationship with DP and will almost certainly have an impact on your mental health. Could you give him a deadline? The end of the week? You can still help with phone calls to Shelter etc in the meantime, but I don't think he should stay longer than that.

EmmaGrundy · 16/08/2016 15:35

I think the longer this goes on, the more difficult it will become for you to get him out.

Get him out, today.

Flowers it doesn't make you unreasonable.

hellsbellsmelons · 16/08/2016 15:36

You are still being way too nice.
You are giving him options.
'Get back here with all your stuff right now or don't come back here at all'!
That's it - that's all you need to say.
Then hang up.
Job done!
You should not be giving him a space in your 1 bed flat.
He needs to be homeless then the council and shelter will prioritise him.
They won't while he has a cushy number living with you.
Where is their motivation to rehouse him???
Others will take priority.
You really are NOT doing him any favours at all here.
Honestly!!!

spanky2 · 16/08/2016 15:37

Maybe he should use his benefits to sort himself out, not get stoned! Or give you a contribution to the household budget.
He's using you. How many people before you has he done this to? I think it's pretty despicable after all you've been through to use you like this.

CarrotVan · 16/08/2016 15:38

MNHQ often post on threads with the "we know posters are very kind but please don't give more of yourself than you can truly afford"

Very true in this case - taking on this waster is giving too much of yourself and will be an unfulfilling project

TempusEedjit · 16/08/2016 15:38

You're still being too kind. Why do you think it's your responsibility to house him? I could understand your stance if he'd been trying to contact the council, his landlord etc and come up against a brick wall but this situation is 100% self inflicted by his own laziness. Why should you be bothered if he himself isn't?

ProseccoBitch · 16/08/2016 15:40

Don't let him move in. He is taking the piss, he will suck you dry, and I fear it will cause arguments between you and DP. I'm all for helping people but not ones who are totally ungrateful and have no appreciation of what you are doing.

PersianCatLady · 16/08/2016 15:40

You need to put this guy out now.

Why on Earth have you not only taken him in and fed him but also funded his smoking habit while he has been living with you?

I can't believe that you are allowing him to treat you like doormats.

EweAreHere · 16/08/2016 15:43

Do not let him move in with you. You'll struggle to get rid of him and he will make your lives a misery.

Tough love.

Hockeydude · 16/08/2016 15:45

Some people have unavoidable problems and some people have avoidable problems. It is obvious which category he falls into.

redshoeblueshoe · 16/08/2016 15:46

Put all his crap in a bag and give it to him when he shows up.
As pp said he won't be homeless, he will sofa surf until people get sick of him.

I don't often shout but DON'T LET HIM STAY ANOTHER NIGHT
You sound extremely kind.

Stormtreader · 16/08/2016 15:49

People at work were sunbathing on their lunch break today - kick him out now and hopefully he will be sorted in his new place by the time winter comes.

RaptorInaPorkPieHat · 16/08/2016 15:50

Let him go. He can crash on his other friends house that he's spending his time getting wasted at.

The longer you prop him up the longer it will take him to get his shit together. Flowers

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 16/08/2016 15:52

He is showing you what he is already....

Don't give up your mental health to let this man take over your lives...

I can't imagine putting up a pal in a one bedroom flat for months who was working and paying us rent... Let alone someone we had to financially support!!

You will be doing him no favours... He needs to be able to show he has nowhere for the housing to be invoked

Original poster
Kateallison16 · 16/08/2016 15:56

I told him back by 6 (when benefit office closes and DP is home) If hes not here by 6 his stuff is going outside and the latch on the door.
He ignored all my calls so I sent him 2 text telling him how it is.

OP posts:
meddie · 16/08/2016 15:56

No, he needs to go. This guy will piss about making excuses for why he hasn't sorted his shit out yet as long as you let him and when he does get his benefit I can absolutely guarantee you will see none of it, "because you know he's got something he needs to pay for and you understand right" He will come and go as he pleases, taking total advantage of you as long as you allow it,
people like this dont operate like you do, you have empathy and want to help, he will just be rubbing his hands with glee that he has found a mug he can take advantage of.

If i had found myself homeless and a friend had offered to accomodate me I would be falling over myself to try and inconvenience them as little as possible. doing cleaning, sorting benefits out, giving what i could financially. The fact this guy pisses off out to get high and doesnt give a shit tells you all you need to know about how he will treat you. If this is his best behaviour, its only going to get worse.

Lostwithinthehills · 16/08/2016 16:01

Adding my voice to the crowd - do not let B back in. You and your DP are fabulously kind and generous people and B has, within a very short time frame, abused your kindness and generosity. If I were B I'd be doing everything I could to sort myself out, while also trying to demonstrate how thankful I was to have such amazing friends by doing chores, cooking dinner and anything else that could help.

B has given you a big red flag by not collecting his stuff, sorting his paperwork, sorting his benefits and then taking drugs instead. Don't let him drag you down with him.

purplefox · 16/08/2016 16:03

He needs to go and definitely follow through on your threat of closing the door at 6.

Right now he has a place to stay, no need to worry about bills, rent and getting a job as he has such a cushy option with you, instead he can spend all day getting high with his friends without a care in the world, he's not just going to wake up and suddenly arrange benefits which would require him to find then hold down a job, and then find and manage somewhere else to live which would require him tobe responsible for himself.

He's taking complete advantage of you and will continue to do so until you cut him off and throw him out.

seagreengirl · 16/08/2016 16:06

The more I realise we have been fucking idiots.

No...you are kind and tried to help a friend by sharing what you have, they are letting you down. You would be fucking idiots if you let him take you for granted any more

Original poster
Kateallison16 · 16/08/2016 16:07

Cooking for us!?! PMSL Lost
Last weekend all he did was refuse what we had in (homemade chicken korma with naans, Jamabalaya, spag bol)
DP went out TWICE to get him dinner.

DP offered him a takeaway last week.... B spent £25+ TO HIMSELF.

I think reading all the comments above had broken me. I am so angry its unreal.
What a fucking prick.

OP posts:
DietCockBreak · 16/08/2016 16:08

YANBU at all. You sound like a really lovely person - really lovely people. But there's no helping someone who doesn't want to help themselves. Lots of people would really benefit from your time and your help and be really grateful for it, B is probably not one of those people. He's not grateful, he's not going to do anything for himself while he knows you two will pick up the pieces (and pay for the privilege) for him.