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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ambushing Childminder

70 replies

FauxFairy · 16/08/2016 11:06

Name changed as this along with my usual posts will certainly out me.

I have 2 DC , DD is 11 & DS is 8 with ASD.

DH has 2 weeks off from work, so their was no need to arrange childcare.

Yesterday he had a nasty fall and broke his leg in 2 places, he has a massive cast that goes up to his knee, he's pretty much bound to the bed/couch and is filled with painkillers so very drowsy at the moment.

DD will be fine staying at home with him but DS needs to be supervised and DH isn't in the position to do so, I've called in friends/family and with all their help I have childcare sorted out from Thursday onwards, today MIL has cancelled a lunch/day out with friends so that she can watch over DS.

That still leaves me with Wednesday to cover, a friend of mine employs a childminder, it's a new one that has started this summer, the childminder is only contracted to take care of friends 2 DC, 9 and 7, but friend has said to bring over DS under the ruse of a very long play date 8am-5pm for tomorrow, she thinks the childminder is too new and too nice to say anything/complain/refuse

I think it's slightly awful, as DS has sensory issues and will be a lot to handle and that I'm essentially ambushing the childminder but currently I have no other options and it's only for a day.

OP posts:
bombayflambe · 16/08/2016 11:09

You are right, it would be awful for them and without adequate preparation your DS may not be safe with the CM.
You need to take the day off work I'm afraid.

Stillunexpected · 16/08/2016 11:09

That's not a childminder, that's a nanny if she is only looking after your friends' children in their own home. If the nanny is new, and your child as SN, I think it is pretty awful of your friend to drop a playdate (of 9 hours!) on the new nanny without letting her know. Btw, I don't think she needs to get the nanny's "permission" but it's not a good start to the working relationship if that is her attitude to her employee.

Happyinthehazeofadrunkenhour · 16/08/2016 11:10

I wouldn't put your ds in this position. What if childminder has no experience of SN...totally unfair on both, not to mention taking advantage of her good nature. Why don't you take a day off ?

Middleoftheroad · 16/08/2016 11:14

This isn't fair on child or childminder.

Cant you take day off or wfh?

FrazzleRock · 16/08/2016 11:15

I'm a bit confused here.
Is this a childminder (ie, self employed with their own childcare business from home) or a nanny (ie employed by the parents and working from the family's house)?

If the former, then no way will a childminder just take on an extra child. Unless she has space and does ad hoc care and you pay for her services.

If the latter, then I still think its a bit off to expect the nanny to take on an extra child who might be 'a lot to handle'. Mind you, when I was nanny, I didn't mind the children having playdates at the house as it was actually less work for me, apart from meal times, as they kept eachother company. I hope, if it is a nanny, that she/he is asked first.

Giratina · 16/08/2016 11:16

And what if your friend is wrong and the childminder isn't "too nice" to be a doormat and look after an extra child all day for no extra pay and refuses him? YABVU.

Squirmy65ghyg · 16/08/2016 11:16

Wow! Your friend is... Strange! Went can't she ask if the childminder would mind? and you can pay her?

BoneyBackJefferson · 16/08/2016 11:17

Your friend can't value her childminder that much if she is willing to do this to her.

BolshierAryaStark · 16/08/2016 11:18

No you shouldn't do it, completely unfair on the childminder. Take the day off.

TheSilverChair · 16/08/2016 11:18

Very unfair, you can't do that.

chickenowner · 16/08/2016 11:19

Please don't treat the childminder with such rudeness and contempt.

Original poster
FauxFairy · 16/08/2016 11:20

Friend refers to her as childminder, but she only takes care of the 2 DC in their own home and she lives with them as well.

I could take the day off work but it's a very busy period and we're currently under a lot of strain as so many employees are away on holiday etc. I don't want to do it as it would really leave a lot of work for those in my team but I may just have to.

OP posts:
veryproudvolleyballmum · 16/08/2016 11:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Stillunexpected · 16/08/2016 11:22

So definitely a nanny, not a childminder. Your friend doesn't sound terribly clued-in if she doesn't realise the difference and also would rather try to take advantage of the nanny's good nature rather than ask/tell her upfront what she is planning. What the heck is the nanny going to think when you drop your child off at 8 a.m. tomorrow?!

JustAnotherPoster00 · 16/08/2016 11:22

Reverse post?

Tiggeryoubastard · 16/08/2016 11:24

You're friend's a twat, basically. Doubt she'll have the employee for long if that's how she treats people. Don't be a twat yourself. Your children are your responsibility rather that doing such a shitty thing.

davos · 16/08/2016 11:24

That's really shitty of your friend.

She using the fact that her nanny (au pair?) won't complain against her?

KayJBee · 16/08/2016 11:25

Is this a childminder or a nanny?

Your friend can't employ a childminder, they are self employed.

A childminder can look after whatever children they want (within permitted legal numbers), how does your friend know that her childminder hasn't already agreed to look after some extra children as a one off or got some new mindees starting?. Why don't you contact the childminder and ask if they have space for one day explaining that your son is friends with the children they already mind and his extra needs. They might agree and there would be no 'ambushing' required.

If it's a nanny you mean, employed by your friend, who looks after her children at your friends home, then it is possible but I think very bad form from your friend. If your friend starts pulling stunts like this then she's likely to lose any goodwill from the nanny fairly sharpish. However if she were to discuss it with the nanny beforehand then fair enough.

I don't think there's any need to ambush anyone, it's not a nice thing to do and puts everyone in an awkward position. Why not just be upfront and ask for help in extenuating circumstances.

FrazzleRock · 16/08/2016 11:25

She sounds like a live in Nanny or Au Pair.
You could ask her if she would mind looking after your DS for the day. You could offer to pay her too.
She may refuse to accept payment, but then maybe give her a little gift as thanks when you collect your DS if that's the case.

Original poster
FauxFairy · 16/08/2016 11:26

I think the nanny/child minder knows about the play date just not the times etc but yes, it is a really shitty thing to do, I don't want to force DS on her and safety wise, it probably isn't the best for DS.

I'll call in sick Sad

OP posts:
notquitegrownup2 · 16/08/2016 11:27

Book the day off, but tell your team that if you can get any childcare you will be in to help out.

Use the morning to check that you have covered all possibilities, or to see if you could find anyone who might safely/reasonably take your son for just the afternoon. If the 'childminder'/au pair has chance to meet you and your son in the morning and agrees that he can go for a playdate in the afternoon, that would be totally different to just taking advantage of her.

TwoFs · 16/08/2016 11:29

Why doesn't your friend just speak to her nanny and ask if she's willing to help you out? You could offer to pay her to have your son for the day, then she won't feel like she's being taken the piss out of.

middlings · 16/08/2016 11:31

Good decision to take the day off OP, but why call in sick? You've made sterling efforts to get cover in very difficult circumstances and there's one hole - your employer may be far more understanding than you think.

Poor old DH - hope he's better soon. That sounds really nasty.

Stillunexpected · 16/08/2016 11:33

Don't call in sick. Your are just compounding your problems. Your DH has had a bad fall and is quite unwell. You have a childcare emergency. You have managed at short notice to sort out quite a lot of cover. However, you have ONE day which can't be covered. This is what emergency parental leave is for - reasonable time off to sort out cover. I don't think anyone could think one day out of a two week period is unreasonable. But I think calling in sick would be disastrous - presumably your team know what has happened to your husband so you being conveniently "sick" at the same time is going to look very suspicious.

Heavens2Betsy · 16/08/2016 11:33

Why the hell would you leave your child (SN or not) with a stranger for the day? Take the day off work and look after him yourself.
Surely your employer must realise that these things happen - no job is that important!

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