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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to find this utterly infuriating??

430 replies

goddessoftheharvest · 14/08/2016 16:40

Guest at Sunday lunch today. Over the course of the meal

"Oh I couldn't eat all of that... Just a little bit for me thanks. Oh no, that's far too much. Just half of that. Half of that. I wouldn't eat all those potatoes. Could I have that little corner of the meat, that very well done part? That will do for me. Sorry, could i swap my meat for that bit? It looks a bit better done. No, I'll not have any of that, I couldn't manage it. I'll just try a bit off X's plate. Apple pie for afters? I couldn't, I really couldn't. I'll try a tiny bowl I suppose. Just a spoonful"

At this point I thought fuck it, and gave her an actual tablespoon sized portion. She then proceeded to eat it and half of DDs!

I love this relative dearly, but by God she has a weird attitude to food. She isn't fussy and has no allergies, but it's as if enjoying food for what it is is unladylike or something, hence the massive parade over portion sizes etc

Basically you end up spending ages making a nicely cooked and presented meal, only for most of it to be taken up with this warbling on!

Aibu to think this is rude and annoying?

OP posts:
Abmama91 · 14/08/2016 20:22

Omg OP this could be my MIL too!! 'Oh no just a tiny plate for me', 'I'll have the most well done singular slice of meat', 'I can't eat the last two of my three potatoes' aaaaargh!! She eats the most processed horrible shite also (ketchup sandwiches, canned hot dogs, spam and even canned hamburgers, bork!!) then proceeds to criticise me and DP for eating red meat, anything other than well done meat (mmmmm bloody steak) and the occasional takeaway. Her and FIL also have a weird routine of her making food, then she cling wraps it and nukes it all in the microwave hours later coz she's 'hungry yet', used to drive us mad if we ever went round for meals expecting to eat tea at 6-7pm then sitting around while she faffs about for hours! She cooks everything for hours (chicken!) and claims its all 'tender' and cuts everything into tiny pieces as if she's in a care home with none of her own teeth! She's only in her 50's! We went on holiday with them and I offered to make a quick chicken pasta bake for us all and she actually said 'you will cook that chicken properly won't you', I snapped and said 'well I've kept your son and our son alive for this long I don't think I'm likely to poison you this time'

Phew, and breath! Drives me mad!

TwentyCups · 14/08/2016 20:25

I know someone like this who I used to work with. Was constantly astonished at the fact I ate an actual meal at lunch and used to comment on my huge appetite and how she never ate at all in her 10 hour working day.
She worked in the kitchen and I used to regularly find her eating bacon sandwiches and so on throughout the day.
Why pretend??

banivani · 14/08/2016 20:26

Holy mother of god what a fantastic thread - I started off laughing out loud but now I'm getting a bit angry, haha. My father did this. He didn't have much of a sweet tooth when we were younger but he could never just say no thanks to the cake, he had to do a sing and dance of "oh no! Cake? Yuck! Too much sugar! Bleugh!" On and on and on NOBODY CARES THAT MUCH ABOUT YOU and you're precious eating habits and you are just RUDE. he was similar about loads of things, sadly I only called him out on it maybe twice. Then the older and more alcoholic he got the less he cooked for himself and ate, because all money went on booze of course, so whenever he got food he scoffed it like something from Dickens. No eye contact with anyone just shovelling it in. Including cakes - but he'd still try the old oh I'll just try a sliver JUST A SLIVER for your sake because you made it aren't I good to you oh no not that much just a little and then eat four slices in the end. It's so selfish and rude and I hated it so much.

SandyPantz · 14/08/2016 20:26

Yes and because like someone else says, its attention seeking of them to demand you cut them a bespoke slice. I even offered to let her cut her own but no, that wouldn't create enough of a fuss, you see.

They're the people at a buffet who don't just get on with serving themselves, they'll have your OTHER guests spooning things up onto their plate, standing at a distance pretending not to be able to reach stuff which is no fucking closer to the person who they've roped in to serve them, and then they do the "oh half of that" - it's a fucking buffet serve yourself princess!

SandyPantz · 14/08/2016 20:28

You hand them a plate (cause they're standing beside the pile looking lost about the whole situation as if they haven't been to a buffet at your house every christmas since 2002!) and they say "oh I'll just have a bit of the garlic bread" and then stand there. Plate in hand. Waiting for someone else at the buffet table to put it on their plate, just so they can say it's too big a slice!

April241 · 14/08/2016 20:30

Finally caught up with the thread, loving all the replies. My Gran is exactly like this. I go out to lunch with her and my mum sometimes and my Gran will always comment on what we're eating.

"You're going to have soup and a sandwich????"
"Yes"
"Did you not have breakfast this morning then I take it?"
"Yes I did actually"
"Oh my I absolutely couldn't manage that, far too much, I'd be sick!!"

One time while I was over visiting I asked what she was making for her tea that night "cabbage".....just cabbage.

SandyPantz · 14/08/2016 20:34

you know what is even worse is when you visit, and they make a big fuss about the after dinner mints we're going to have "later".. now I'm not so fussed about after dinner mints.. but by the time I've been told we're having them "later" four times I'm kinda beginning to crave them…

.. so… main is served… all fine, after dinner mints are in a prominant position throughout in the middle of the table.. now I REALLY am looking forward to one of those bad boys.

she clears away the main, picks up the mints (now drooling and having mint related fantasies) and… "oh we won't need these now will we? after all that! we'll have them another time". And takes them away and puts them in a cupboard.

And I have to make DH find a late night garage that sells after dinner fucking mints on the fucking way home and I eat the whole fucking lot of them in protest!

Arfarfanarf · 14/08/2016 20:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SandyPantz · 14/08/2016 20:41

They are always, ALWAYS, the ones who veto restaurant choices.

If you insist on going somewhere that serves food with flavour, they will stand OUTSIDE doing a little dance about whether there'll be anything in there they can eat or not

and some fucking traitor who I know wants food with flavour too nice/gullible member of the party always goes out to "help" and eventually negotiates something (prefereably off menu) for them to eat and they finally come inside and fill the empty chairs at the table!

SlightlyperturbedOwl · 14/08/2016 20:43

Thinking about it I have a whole cross-family making a fuss about eating thing going on (it's not an eating disorder, just an attention-seeking disorder)- my DM has decided she can't eat gluten- bread, pasta etc a 'no-no' however cake is ok (wtf?!) because it has a higher proportion of fat than flour. Kudos to my step-brother for suggesting with a straight face she get a test for coeliac disease because 'why would you not want to know for sure?' Grin funny enough it was negative. So as my DH says the 'high cake diet' goes on...

Botanicbaby · 14/08/2016 20:43

OP I can totally understand why this behaviour is maddening for you but reading this thread has made me feel sad because it reminds me of my nana who would do exactly the same.

Pretty sure your guest is much younger but its possibly a generation thing. It resonated with me PP saying that women were taught not to want to enjoy food and/or it was not the done thing to have an appetite so had all this faux 'ladylike' stuff ingrained in them.

My nana was taught that the working men should get served first/have larger portions and it was difficult to ever serve her the best bits of roast dinner etc Sad

I find it sad and if that is the reason your guest is doing it then I feel for them. Although I can understand how bloody frustrating it is for you. I'd leave everything on the table for guests to serve themselves in future.

HerdsOfWilderbeest · 14/08/2016 20:44

Love the after dinner mints saga!!

I like people saying to me to cut them "just a tiny slice" and I do just that - barely a couple of millimetres. Then they have to either put up with transparent piece of cake or say "oh well perhaps a tiny bit more" (cue an additional millimetre). Grin

LottieDoubtie · 14/08/2016 20:44

This thread is so cathartic!

SandyPantz · 14/08/2016 20:47

I find it sad and if that is the reason your guest is doing it then I feel for them.

it's not, some of the worst offenders are younger than me or my age, some people are just passive aggressive attention seekers

SandyPantz · 14/08/2016 20:48

I have nothing against people who have small appetites, I have something against people who make sure that nobody else can enjoy their meals!

limitedperiodonly · 14/08/2016 20:51

It's annoying but no more so than those women who go: 'My MIL always serves the ladies with two peas and a lick of gravy and I always make a point of insisting on a big girl's plateful. In fact, you'd better keep your hands and feet away from me when I'm at the table.'

Whether it's under or over eating, competitive eating is very boring.

Original poster
goddessoftheharvest · 14/08/2016 20:51

The after dinner mints GrinGrinGrin

OP posts:
Magicpaintbrush · 14/08/2016 20:51

My MIL and her partner did this on Boxing day a few years ago, bemoaned the portion sizes and said "a sandwich would have done", which after all the effort I'd taken to make a lovely meal really pissed me off.

The day before they had turned up for Christmas with a (unexpected and un-asked for) bag of sweet potatoes and a pumpkin which they wanted me to cook with the christmas dinner, cue me having a melt down in the kitchen trying to fit it all in the oven with all the other food I already had planned to cook. So fucking ruuuuuuuude!!!!

TondelayaDellaVentamiglia · 14/08/2016 20:52

SandyPantz ...I am the one atthe buffet putting MY plate out for everyone to put "some of that on while you have the spoon, ta!.....ohh and a slice of that while you have the knife...yes, and the rest of it!...after you wth the butter!...pass me the mayo!" :D

...just lazy! and greedy

SandyPantz · 14/08/2016 20:54

It's annoying but no more so than those women who go: 'My MIL always serves the ladies with two peas and a lick of gravy and I always make a point of insisting on a big girl's plateful. In fact, you'd better keep your hands and feet away from me when I'm at the table.

No it's not.
If you're given a normal/big portion you can chose to eat less without making a fuss
If you're given a tiny portion and seconds aren't offered and you've driven 3 hours for Sunday fucking lunch, then it wasn't ready for another 2 hours, while you didn't even get a cup of tea to keep you going then it's awkward to ask for more if you don't want to go hungry

Dontyouopenthattrapdoor · 14/08/2016 20:56

Oh my god you're having my MIL over for dinner.

She always does that. Plus can't possibly cope with anything strong tasting (ie not bland).

I call her bluff. Make tea so grey even she asks for it stronger. Portion sizes my 5 year old would wolf down as a starter.

The other night we saw her and she cooked sausage pasta bake for everyone. She put on her own plate one third of a sausage and nine pasta shells, at which point I lost my rah and said fgs that's a toddler portion.

She did look a bit embarrassed, and took more.

I'm a cow. But honestly FFS. It's all just to make the point of how ladylike and weak she is and IT. DRIVES. ME. BATSHIT.

DrCoconut · 14/08/2016 20:59

I remember a wedding where we stayed with family. On the day breakfast was a single slice of toast and marg as the meal was going to be huge. 6 hours later the meal is served. We're all starving and I find out there is no veggie option (I'm not awkward, just more veg would have done) and so basically my "huge meal" is a salad butty. It was silver service so no option to get larger helpings either. Then they all made a song and dance about being stuffed and there was no evening food or anything to eat back at the accommodation either. It was also at the arse end of nowhere so no chippy to sneak off to. I was nearly fainting by bedtime and next day they were still rabbiting on about how they only needed a small breakfast etc. Aargh.

honeylulu · 14/08/2016 21:01

My mum does this (insisting on tiny portions, skipping dessert etc) although she is quite overweight. She's 70 and it's partly a generation thing and partly down to food issues/probable lifetime eating disorder. She likes to give the impression she eats like a bird. My dad is genuinely baffled about her weight as she "hardly eats a thing". But the more perceptive of us see the empty biscuit packets in the kitchen bin and chocolate wrappers stuffed in her car glove box. She won't discuss it though so we have sort of left it.
It is really annoying though when you have spent ages preparing a special meal. My family came to us for boxing day a few years ago and I made a hot pudding and home made ice cream which is her favourite. As my BIL ' S mother was also there (she is diabetic) I made a sugar free jelly too. My mum made a big performance of insisting on the jelly for her dessert as she was "so full" and the food was "so rich". Then later I found her surruptiously hoovering up the gingerbread from the christmas tree and after she'd left I found she'd also raided the kids smarties and chocolate coins. I was Angry but I think she was putting in a performance for BIL mother.
On another note I once went to a wedding where the men (sticky toffee pudding) had different puddings to the women (fruit salad and meringue). I LOVE sticky toffee pudding and I hissed to H that I would kill him if we did not split them half and half. (We did)

bumsexatthebingo · 14/08/2016 21:02

Oh god my relative does the whole 'we certainly won't need to have any tea' after a moderately sized lunch at noon! Also remember a time she served vegetables as a main evening meal. Not a vegetable dish or with any sauce or anything. Just a small portion of plain vegetables. She also tried to give me some clothes that she said were too big for her despite the fact she must be a good 5 dress sizes larger than me!

Naicecuppatea · 14/08/2016 21:03

My DM eats like a sparrow, skips breakfast, skips lunch and has a very small dinner, usually favouring wine for food. If we ever go out for a meal, if it's dinner, she will skip breakfast and lunch entirely that day beforehand, or if we'd gone out and had a panini for lunch she would be far too full for dinner.

Fortunately she doesn't say anything about anyone else's eating like some of these stories, which are funny and horrifically rude in equal measure!