Aibu to find this utterly infuriating??

[goddessoftheharvest]

Guest at Sunday lunch today. Over the course of the meal

"Oh I couldn't eat all of that... Just a little bit for me thanks. Oh no, that's far too much. Just half of that. Half of that. I wouldn't eat all those potatoes. Could I have that little corner of the meat, that very well done part? That will do for me. Sorry, could i swap my meat for that bit? It looks a bit better done. No, I'll not have any of that, I couldn't manage it. I'll just try a bit off X's plate. Apple pie for afters? I couldn't, I really couldn't. I'll try a tiny bowl I suppose. Just a spoonful"

At this point I thought fuck it, and gave her an actual tablespoon sized portion. She then proceeded to eat it and half of DDs!

I love this relative dearly, but by God she has a weird attitude to food. She isn't fussy and has no allergies, but it's as if enjoying food for what it is is unladylike or something, hence the massive parade over portion sizes etc

Basically you end up spending ages making a nicely cooked and presented meal, only for most of it to be taken up with this warbling on!

Aibu to think this is rude and annoying?

Yeah, some places are really good about providing dairy free foods - and many people who don't need them are damn good about hoovering them up before I get a look in! The best ordinary place I've eaten at for choice, helpfulness and labelling, actually, is the Taliesin Centre at Swansea Uni.
This thread came to mind today, actually. I was at a get together of friends/ acquaintances - I'm on the fringes of the group. The main topic of conversation over the buffet table was how many syns were in the chilli or the cheesecake, was the bottle of salad dressing fat free - I felt like saying sheesh, woman, take a day off the diet and eat! Then they sat tearing apart someone they knew but I didn't, who had regained a lot of weight. I had some fruit salad, rather than any of the three cheesecakes or apple and cream thingy, and declined cake (all cos of milk content - they looked lovely) and declined alcohol because I was driving. I did feel awkward keeping on declining stuff, but couldn't risk an hour's drive home with milk in my system. Hmm, unfair summary of a good afternoon, apart from that.

I think of all the food allergies, I would fine dairy most difficult to get around, Annie. I would really miss that food group a lot, more than any other.

I am sometimes in conferences with a colleague who is a gluten-free vegetarian and her food is brought out clingfilm wrapped and handed to her. I think organisers must have got wind of the hoovering up you speak of. There's definitely more awareness of dietary requirements now, which is a very good thing - getting a vegetarian option 30 years ago was difficult in some places.

Going back to the thread topic, your friends sound like crashing bores going on and on about their food choices. I would have been the same as you, thinking (but not saying), "Shut up and get on with it, have it, don't have it - stop going on about it, ffs!".

Actually, needing wheat or gluten free food is the worst, apart from deathly allergies - nuts, cucumbers, etc. Gluten is in so MUCH stuff, even drinks. Modern food labelling is absolutely wonderful for most products, and even cafes, restaurants etc are having to give more details on menus. It's getting much easier. The gang calmed down after a bit - I was a bit harsh there upthread, and I was feeling a bit awkward as the fattest person in the room, and the only one with no cake.
When DS was about 8, he said that he reckoned (certain relative) would come in, look to see what there was in the fridge and cupboards, and ask specifically for whatever wasn't there.

Cucumber?

Yup, I have a dear friend who would be hospitalised if he had any cucumber - even just reusing a knife that had just cut a cucumber to cut something for him makes him ill. I have another friend who is allergic to bananas.
I have some weird friends - and so do they!

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius
That was me that made the cake slice comment. And you have taken it out of context - with this person its always about food. Non stop. I've known her for a decade now, and its very tiresome after a while.

When someone is kind enough to bring in cakes or treats into the workplace she moans because its not [specific gateau] from certain upmarket bakery in town. With her, its ALL about attention.

When she does the 'sliver of cake' thing, its all about drawing attention to her tiny birdlike appetite and lording it over the rest of us that are such savages as to have a normal slice

I am hugely sympathetic to people with digestive issues. My poor FIL has suffered with stomach ulcers and eats very little and very bland, understandably. My own DM has had weight struggles, despite being very careful with her food. I myself have had issues being underweight during very stressful times in my life, so I would never make fun of or ridicule anyone.

But I feel I am allowed to get irked when my own food intake is constantly policed by a colleague.

Sorry, BlueLeopard - it was the comment about cutting 'a bespoke slice' that had stuck in my mind - I got the impression from this that you would cut the same slice of cake for everyone, regardless of what they wanted, and that baffled me a bit.

I have read back and see that I was mistaken - your colleague's behaviour sounds extremely annoying, especially as you offered to let her cut her own slice. I will happily eat her slice for her, though - whatever size slice you choose to cut! >

A lot of women are told 'dont eat that, you'll get fat'. And being told that its unladylike to eat in various ways such as heartily, or large portions or in public on the street.
It was Nigella who really publically challenged that. Not surprisingly she has a reputation for being sexy.
People who control their food intake this way are a type of control freak, so it shouldnt surpriose us that they also have to showboat and control the whole group.

I'm loving this thread. I thought my DM and MIL were the only ones!

My dm has a problem with portion sizes. She thinks a tiny pack of beef mince will make spaghetti bolognese for 10 adult people. She thinks anyone who actually wants to eat lunch is a glutton, especially if they then want an evening meal too. After that lunch?? If for some reason we're out and she has a tiny leaf salad for 'lunch' out of politeness (because we're all eating) she'll bang on all day about how she won't be needing any evening dinner because she's had a massive lunch.

My mil just has problems with most food. Sausages are too fat, bread is too crusty, cheese smells too much, and everything is much MUCH too rich.

It's all very exhausting.

Loving this thread... and the after dinner mints post was absolute class! Still laughing at that - it's exactly the sort of thing my DM will do!

My DM has serious issues and that in turn has created food/weight issues for me and for my sister. We've both been overweight, we've both bordered on anorexic... it goes up and down constantly. The thing with my DM is that you cannot win. If you gain a bit of weight - she will go on and on about how fat you are and will constantly look you up and down disapprovingly. She will never stop going on about it. If you lose weight and are doing fantastic, she will say you're not eating properly and will try to tempt you to eat bad things again so you gain weight and she can start on the cycle all over again. She seems to get off on it. I love her, but I dread visiting her for this reason because I know that 5 mins after I arrive, it will be all about my weight - regardless of whether it's up or down!

The after dinner mint thing though - did make me laugh. One thing my parents tend to do - particularly my DM, is if you're out for dinner or having dinner at my parent's house, they'll have a lovely dessert lined up or you'll be eyeing up a dessert on the menu at a restaurant... but then as you get to the end of the main course, one of them will ALWAYS declare, on behalf of everyone there - could be 4 of us or 20 people - doesn't matter, "well I don't think anyone wants dessert after that!". It's done in a very passive-aggressive way though - as in, they've just decided for everyone - so if you dare challenge it and say "actually, I DO want dessert" (that one I've been looking forward to for the last hour!) - you look like the greedy pig and they sit there doing the whole "oh how can you POSSIBLY want anything else?" thing in front of everyone, looking at you with horrified disgust as though you'd just declared you'd like to murder a puppy! I REALLY don't like going to eat with my family - it's more trouble than its worth.

I don't mind what anyone wants to eat or doesn't want to eat - I just think it's really rude to comment on other people's plates/appetites at dinner.

Oh yeah - the "it's too rich" thing gets to me too... or just general complaining. Eat it... don't eat it... I don't care, just don't moan about it all day. I have an uncle - only see him rarely now - but when I was a child and him and my aunt would come for one of our birthdays, honestly... the faces on them - particularly him - at the birthday tea! You'd think we'd served them mouldy porridge or something! And then GUARANTEED... I could practically script it... EVERY TIME - it would get to the birthday cake, they'd claim they wanted a bit, take a bite, and practically throw their fork on the plate in dramatic horror going "Too sweet! Far too sweet!" with a look of severe disgust on their faces - and then go on about it for about half an hour! It's like "settle down - you're not judging bloody Masterchef! It's a 3 year old's birthday cake from Asda!".

OkLumberjack, how has your mother survived this long without you whacking her about the head with something heavy?

That would drive me insane. I would just have to ramp it up - refuse lunch - and dinner as well - just to make a point and bang on to her about eating twice a day is a bit greedy and unnecessary.... or maybe I wouldn't because that's how disordered eating starts. But I would want to.

Or, I would just fix her with a steely glare and say, "You've said that already; are you regretting your decision or just trying to reinforce it in your mind? Either way, it's of no concern to the rest of us - you do as you like".

Women on my mother's side of the family are very disordered about eating as well. Piling food on your plate in the first place - then seconds - and they won't listen when you say you don't want them - and then if you do eat them, to shut them up, they talk behind your back about how greedy you are. I do the no lunch and no dinner with them (I have surprisingly amazing stamina for that when I'm annoyed) and it sends them into a tizzy...

alfagirl... that's just shocking. Your mother is a piece of work to do this to you and your sister. Can she not see that she's doing you so much damage? I would have to say something... "Mother dearest, yo-yoing with weight is not healthy for my body, everytime I do that it puts extra pressure on my organs. Did you mean that for me?"

I feel very sad reading your post because I'm sure she loves you but what fucked up thinking that is. Why can't these people just keep their big mouths shut?

As for the 'you surely don't want dessert' people... I would huddle beforehand and get a small posse to agree that actually, YES, we DO want dessert - and would order it. I might be tempted to tell passive-aggressive idiot that they may leave the table if they want to get down...
Embarrass them into submission.

But can things be 'too sweet' and 'too rich'? Can too much food be served so that people can't reasonably want another meal for a while? Or want a dessert after a substantial starter/large main course.

I'd argue that the answers too all these questions can be yes. It's just when it's all part of a game-playing, obsessive thing it's very tiresome.

This all seems very topical because I'm in the process of helping plan a birthday celebration for my 90 year old mother . We'll be having a four course Sunday lunch in a hotel . (Starter, soup, main, and dessert.) My brother rang and suggested we then go back to my mother's flat for afternoon tea. He was - slightly indirectly - asking me to make a birthday cake for tea. I said that I would but make a slightly plainer cake - say, a lemon drizzle with some icing on top - rather than a gateau with lots of cream/buttercream/frosting.

I said that I didn't feel people would want a rich cake soon after a large lunch. (Also travelling 80 miles with a more elaborate sort of cake would be tricky.)

Surely that was reasonable.

At any rate, that was my offer. If I was going to the trouble of making a cake, I wasn't going to make something that I felt was likely to make me - and others? - feel slightly sick after an unusually large lunch.

kinloss, no, it wouldn't be reasonable at all. Why do you need to voice that? Do you think anybody is interested? They aren't. You can just say "I'm making this cake, I hope it's delicious/fluffy/whatever." and move on to another topic of conversation.

There is a touch of this about MIL. It's very subtle, and I thought i was imagining almost, until reading this thread and recognising some of the comments.

She'll dish up stupidly enormous portions for everyone else and tiny ones for herself, (or not sit down to eat at all) and every time we see her she'll work some sort of comment about how tiny and delicate she is compared to everyone else into the conversation. Suddenly announce how 'someone at swimming' the day before had commented on how ''lovely and slim my arms are'' ... and give you this funny smile It's just odd.

I always remember her watching me make a stack of sarnies for DH's (fit as a fiddle, muscle bound, works hard, physical job, likes plenty of butter on his bagette!) and her head tilting behind me saying ... mmm, look at all that animal fat ...

Oh bugger off!

Laiste, so irritating, isn't it? I tell the kids all the time, "We are not at home to Mr Rude"... when they blurt things out. I think it could work for mothers and MILs and anybody else really.

So hard though, when it's so subtle that it's not rude as such. Just really unsettling. Sort of antisocial. Like when she talking about yourself and how amazingly good you are at something, or how invaluable you were in x,y,z job in the past. (Again!) Not exactly rude, just awkward for everyone who's sat there nodding and smiling!

kinloss, no, it wouldn't be reasonable at all. Why do you need to voice that? Do you think anybody is interested? They aren't. You can just say "I'm making this cake, I hope it's delicious/fluffy/whatever." and move on to another topic of conversation.

My sister-in-law makes what I'd call gooey cakes. Loads of frosting. She's good at decoration. I tend to make plainer cakes and would have to travel. It's a 90th birthday celebration that my brother is masterminding. So if he thinks it's important that there's an elaborately decorated cake, then he and his wife could sort it.

It was a weird sort of conversation which started

Him: ... And we thought we'd all go to Mother of Kinloss's for tea after the lunch. You could make a cake or Sister in Law of Kinloss could do it?
Me: Oh it would be great if SiLoK did it. She makes brilliant birthday cakes.
Him: Well actually SiLoK is going to make the cake for the later celebration which takes place at the church the following weekend
Me: (realising that it hadn't been a real question to begin with.) Oh, in that case I'd better do it. But it wouldn't be that fancy, as I'm going to have to bring it in the car. Lemon drizzle or something. That would be alright wouldn't it - I mean we're not going to be incredibly hungry after lunch...

Just the complicated politics of families. Feeling slightly manipulated and didn't want people bitching about 'Oh well, she didn't even make a proper cake for her Mother's 90th.' Knowing for some people the gooey frostings and too-muchness is the whole point. (Idea that either of my two brothers should bake a cake is clearly not even on the agenda.)

kinloss... Ohh. A whole new can of calorific worms to deal with...

I would just decide in my head what I can do/want to do and then say, "Right, I'm good at lemon drizzle and fruit cakes and Madeira so I'll make those my specialities and anybody who wants to make anything else, can crack on with it! Any cakes from me will be one of those three and they'll be delicious!".

I get what you mean totally though... why are families so damned difficult sometimes?

Why indeed?!

alfagirl
And then GUARANTEED... I could practically script it... EVERY TIME - it would get to the birthday cake, they'd claim they wanted a bit, take a bite, and practically throw their fork on the plate in dramatic horror going "Too sweet! Far too sweet!" with a look of severe disgust on their faces - and then go on about it for about half an hour!

DEAR GOD YES. This was my father as well. Shut the hell up. Say "no thank you, just coffee is fine", and turn and talk about the weather with your neighbour like a normal person!

It's unbelievably annoying, but I do feel sorry for women like this. Must be a bitch of a life, really. My mother has food issues for days but didn't draw specific attention to it when I was growing up (obviously I noticed). I grew up to be naturally slim/thinnish, which I don't consider any source of moral superiority whatsoever (bit hypocritical if I did seeing as I have an ice cream or a chocolate bar after pretty much every evening's dinner), but what pains me is that mum always tells me on the phone about what she's eaten/not eaten, if she's lost weight, etc, as though because I'm thinnish she needs validation for it. I'm not the food validator!

Well said user.

I probably come across as "no, I'm full, really no! ok then, just a little bit".
Yes, I'm about 2 -2 1/2stone overweight.

That's not because I want people to make a fuss of me.
It's because I'm a people pleaser and when someone goes on at me: "Go on , have some more. You know you want to. Come on, everyone else is, don't be a spoilsport!", etc. I end up saying "yes" to please them (not because I really wanted some, but wanted a fuss first).

I'll often end up being sick in the toilet straight afterwards because I really was full and now I'm so stuffed I feel sick.

I don't eat an awful lot, but according to the dietician I used to see, I've messed up my metabolism so much with all the dangerous and fad diets I've done over the years (including one that made me so ill I needed surgery) that I'll never be able to eat a normal amount without gaining weight and she's right. I have to stick to under 1000 cals a day or I gain.
I'm not sure why it's so acceptable to be nasty about people who have weight issues. Try walking a mile in their shoes, as the saying goes.

Yes, there's no excuse for deliberately being a drama queen, but that may not always be why the person is behaving like that (as in my case).

This thread isn't just about ppl who won't stop going on about how little they eat.

Lots of Pp have also mentioned those: "Go on, have some more" "No I couldn't" "You must" "I really couldn't, I'm full"

"Go on, just a little" "Ok then!"

So ppl are telling stories about that too.

Sorry, don't mean to take over, but there was a typo/error in previous post. That should've read 1000-1300 cals.