Aibu to find this utterly infuriating??

[goddessoftheharvest]

Guest at Sunday lunch today. Over the course of the meal

"Oh I couldn't eat all of that... Just a little bit for me thanks. Oh no, that's far too much. Just half of that. Half of that. I wouldn't eat all those potatoes. Could I have that little corner of the meat, that very well done part? That will do for me. Sorry, could i swap my meat for that bit? It looks a bit better done. No, I'll not have any of that, I couldn't manage it. I'll just try a bit off X's plate. Apple pie for afters? I couldn't, I really couldn't. I'll try a tiny bowl I suppose. Just a spoonful"

At this point I thought fuck it, and gave her an actual tablespoon sized portion. She then proceeded to eat it and half of DDs!

I love this relative dearly, but by God she has a weird attitude to food. She isn't fussy and has no allergies, but it's as if enjoying food for what it is is unladylike or something, hence the massive parade over portion sizes etc

Basically you end up spending ages making a nicely cooked and presented meal, only for most of it to be taken up with this warbling on!

Aibu to think this is rude and annoying?

"Food is no less wasted when eaten by a person who doesn't want it or is too full than it is if it is put in the bin. "

I see what you mean, but this is not the prevailing attitude to food waste. It's generally considered not wasted if it's in your body.

I know what it's like to be overweight and worried about what people will think if they see you eating. It's still possible to eat as delicately as you please and say, "No thank you" without making a complete spectacle and passive-aggressively trying to stop others from enjoying the meal.

Making that kind of palaver is exactly what gets your eating and size noticed. And I think these people realise that. I know plenty of people of all sizes who are capable of discreetly and politely declining food.

My colleague is one of those 'eat like a bird' types. She once told me that she wasn't hungry at lunch time because she had been out for dinner the night before with a friend and they had eaten three starters between them. No main courses, just three starters. Sometimes we will all order pizza in for lunch, she will just nibble at one slice and leave the crust. She is so thin that she has to wear children's clothes.

User, I hear you!

I have always struggled with my weight and ironically one of the hardest things about the only diet that works for me (low carbing) is that it requires you to eat too "high quality foods" that are not suitable for "oh just some dry bread for little me" ladies. I did fine at home because I knew it was good for me, but out, I was so tempted to order things like pasta with tomato sauce because it was lower fat.

Although this is a thread about PA under-eaters (implied digs at those who do eat) - it's true that the forcing-food-ers are awful too. I went to meet my brother's new partner with great excitement, so prepared to like him and have a good time; we had agreed to meet in a certain cafe, but I was on a roll with a diet that was working and was more interested in meeting the Special New Guy that was so important to my brother than the cakes. He (the partner) was very put out that I didn't want cake and really tried hard to make me have something. It was quite obvious that he had had a picture in his head of how it would all go, and I wasn't playing my part to his satisfaction. It ruined the occasion because I had to put my foot down quite hard, embarrassingly firmly, not to eat cake that I didn't want, and it was odd because it wasn't a meal time and the place was full of people having coffee only, so there was nothing weird about my behaviour (not that it is ok to force people to eat even it is is a mealtime). It honestly ruined things that he didn't want to accept that I can choose what to eat and not eat and I'm afraid I never liked him because of it!

the thing is - for the people who are implying "But people do eat too much now so it's probably a good thing to have the older generation food shaming us" - FOOD SHAMING DOESN'T WORK. PA digs about food MAKE PEOPLE FATTER.

I always get in a rage on threads like this because people have such a warped and wrong idea about how the causal connections work between attitudes to food and fatness -> people's actual behaviour -> people's actual size - > people's actual health.

FAT SHAMING CAUSES, DOESN'T PREVENT, FATNESS. It causes secret eating; low self esteem; weird habits involving binge / starve / purge cycles; weird low-fat, low-nutrition snacking; general shame and misery; and all of these things cause FATNESS

My MiL does this but I think it's more a ploy for attention than a problem with food. She's not fat, kind of short and stout like a lot of women in their 60s. But when we lived with her for a while DH would make dinner and she would literally yell 'Look at me son, I'm tiny!! I can't possibly eat that much food' when faced with an average size portion. Every. Single. Meal time. So whenever I cooked I would give her a much smaller amount and she would always need dessert every time. I think in her case she was just hoping her son would fuss over her and give her attention more than anything but it drove me spare!

"However - and I'm focusing specifically on overweight people who exhibit this behaviour - look at all the comments on this thread along the lines of "And the person who does this is the size of a house; they're not fooling anyone that they have a small appetite, haha!"

Is it any wonder that an overweight person would do the "just a small one for me" ritual to save face in front of people, when this is the prevailing attitude? When people are sniggering behind their backs about how much they must stash away in secret to be the size they are? There is nothing more mortifying as a fat person (apart from perhaps getting stuck in something), than having to eat a meal in front of someone else all the time knowing that people are thinking "Well, no wonder she's so fat if that's what she eats!" (and they are; just look at this thread for evidence!) Refusing to order a pudding, even though you really want one, because you know people will think "no wonder she's fat if she's eating that!". You can't win. You're vilified for eating it if you do, vilified as trying to be self-righteous if you don't."

User - you have, very eloquently, put into words something that really upset me about this thread - thank you.

I am obese - I have struggled with my weight my whole life, and have a very disordered attitude to food - and I hate myself for it. I already feel I am too big to exist in this world, and that everyone I see knows it - and I feel judged for everything I eat in front of people who aren't close family.

Now it seems that I can't win - if I have a small portion or something light and healthy, people will be looking at me and judging me just as harshly as if I am eating a big plateful of chips. Oh joy.

One of relatives does this and constantly goes on about the large portions everyone eats. He is 18 stone and the rest are the right weight for size. I think it makes him feel less obese if he eats less than slim people. Obviously behind closed doors it's a different matter!

"One of relatives does this and constantly goes on about the large portions everyone eats. He is 18 stone and the rest are the right weight for size. I think it makes him feel less obese if he eats less than slim people. Obviously behind closed doors it's a different matter!"

And there you go. Right there, not five posts later. Berating someone for what they eat behind closed doors. Attitudes like this are exactly what cause people to eat behind closed doors then do the "no I couldn't" routine in front of people. It's shame, brought about by opinions like this.

If it is a case of not wanting to eat in front of others then just don't order the pudding. I personally wouldn't be inwardly sniggering at that. But a vastly overweight person making a massive deal with 'how can you eat that?' 'I'm so stuffed after this salad at noon that I won't need to eat for the rest of the day' etc does make me a bit Just because it's awkward that we both know it's bollocks.

I know, but seriously, ask yourself why they're feeling the need to do it.

Awesome username, btw. I wish I'd thought of that!

Also, re just not ordering pudding: all well and good, but then you have to justify why you're not having one if everyone else is, which is where this "oh, I'm absolutely stuffed from [this small thing I've eaten], I couldn't" comes from, because nobody wants to admit the real reason why they're not ordering.

It's not limited to pudding either; there's a prevailing attitude in our society that fat people shouldn't be seen to be eating the same food as everyone else. We must exist on rabbit food. We must be seen to be making an effort to lose weight at every mealtime; god forbid we be allowed to eat what the thin people eat. How many times have you (you-general, not you-specific) walked past a fat person eating a sandwich, or at a burger place with their family having the same as everyone else, and mentally rolled your eyes at them with a "no wonder!"

There is a very good reason that people do this.

Maybe some people but if I was having a meal with someone and they said they didn't want a pudding I wouldn't ask for reasons. And I don't think this thread is about people being pressed and saying something. It's about people who make a complete drama out of how small their appetite is.

Well personally user, although I won't disagree with the point you've made, what riles me isn't the disconnect between a person's size and their appetite.

It's simply all the unnecessary drama and martyrdom over food and meal sizes.

Have a starter, don't have a pudding, have seconds, I really couldn't care less. Take two carrots and a stick of celery, or a mound of mash.

But don't bore on and on and on about it. Your appetite and diet is your business, not mine. I won't comment on it but I would prefer it if people didn't comment, however passively, on mine.

No, and I agree that passive agressively making a point about what other people are eating is not on and I can't condone that and have never done it mysrelf (although have had it done to me), but it is expected, almost, that fat people should not be seen to be eating the same thing as everyone else - born out by the attitudes on this thread "they must stuff themselves, they're not kidding anyone that they have tiny appetites", but then we're vilified for eating proper meals too! It's really horrible, sometimes there's no way out but to pretend you're full or you don't eat much to avoid inviting comments. It really is no wonder that we do this.

When I was overweight and losing it, I found it very straightforward to say to people, "I don't really fancy dessert but please don't let me stop you." Never caused a problem as far as I'm aware.

The issue is not someone's size or appetite. It's actively making a show of how little you are eating and implying that this makes you somehow better than others. It's rude, it's attention seeking, and it guarantees that people will take notice of your weight and portions. If you are heavier and feel self conscious about eating, like I did, you can eat less without making the occasion all about you and how delicate you are. That kind of drama only draws attention to the very things that are apparently sensitive.

For what it's worth, I've known people of all sizes to do this and it's equally obnoxious no matter how big or small they are.

At best, you ruin a meal for someone and make it all about you. At worst, you set the kitchen on fire like my sister did. (She liked to leave half prepared food around so she could pretend she had forgotten to eat, and had to up the ante to lit hobs when we stopped questioning it and allowing her to make a scene about it.)

Reminds me of that bit early in Gone with the Wind where the ladies eat before going our to dinner so they're eating like a bird when in front of company and potential suitors.

I think some of this is a bit mean. I genuinely won't stuff on bread before a meal because it WILL fill me up and won't eat the rest.

I do struggle to get through 3 courses.

I always ask for a small portion.

I have a small stomach and I also have issues around stuffing my face in public.

Why should that be an issue?

For what it's worth I never make an issue of it. Other people do.

And I love my Partner for always eating my leftovers.

The issue isn't how much you eat, the issue is people who harp on about how dainty their appetites are and make passive aggressive remarks or judgements on other peoples portions!

Following on from recent posts. A couple of years ago I became friends with a lady who is obese to the point it causes her health problems. It's been a real eye-opener going to cafes and restaurants with her. She very rarely eats, just has a drink, and on the one occasion we went out for a meal she had a very small main, nothing else.

I can see the waiting staff looking at her as she's looking at the food in the cafe. We both once had a piece of cake, and she seemed very uncomfortable. I have caught people watching her walk past with her tray with a look of disdain. It's so horrible ,and I know she knows that I see it.

She is open to talking about being over weight, and when I first knew her often talked about how she and her family eat very healthily. The reality, through my subsequent visits to her home and my child having tea there, is quite different. Very large portions, lots of sugary snacks, fizzy drinks etc. It makes me sad that she has to live a double life when it comes to her eating habits. The irony is that she's judged anyway. I have had some friends comment upon the fact that we have even become friends. The sub text is how/why would I be seen out with somebody so big.

It's the pious, judgey bullshit that's the problem! My mother is like this and she's thin as a rake and I feel judged by her when she makes such ridiculous protestations of how a regular size portion is just tooooo much for her (obviously not for you, fatty). She can fuck off with it.

With my mother, it's the all-pervading smell of burning martyr that's so annoying, but that isn't limited to mealtimes!

Just came on to say hear hear User- you've very eloquently written what I was thinking.

I go out on a monthly basis for a meal with friends, and it drives me batshit that one always says shall we be naughty & have pudding. Whilst another makes a point of saying that they won't need to eat until 2025 (the year, not the time )and puffs their cheeks out as in I'm stuffed to the gills.

Emma, it isn't an issue. It only becomes one if you start making comments about how much others are eating, how YOU could never be so gluttonous, how delicate you are, how everyone else must stop enjoying their food and their company to marvel at you. If you don't do this, as you say, then this thread is not about you. Crack on.