Aibu to find this utterly infuriating??

[goddessoftheharvest]

Guest at Sunday lunch today. Over the course of the meal

"Oh I couldn't eat all of that... Just a little bit for me thanks. Oh no, that's far too much. Just half of that. Half of that. I wouldn't eat all those potatoes. Could I have that little corner of the meat, that very well done part? That will do for me. Sorry, could i swap my meat for that bit? It looks a bit better done. No, I'll not have any of that, I couldn't manage it. I'll just try a bit off X's plate. Apple pie for afters? I couldn't, I really couldn't. I'll try a tiny bowl I suppose. Just a spoonful"

At this point I thought fuck it, and gave her an actual tablespoon sized portion. She then proceeded to eat it and half of DDs!

I love this relative dearly, but by God she has a weird attitude to food. She isn't fussy and has no allergies, but it's as if enjoying food for what it is is unladylike or something, hence the massive parade over portion sizes etc

Basically you end up spending ages making a nicely cooked and presented meal, only for most of it to be taken up with this warbling on!

Aibu to think this is rude and annoying?

I remember when I sent my mother a stupidly expensive box of chocolates, for Mothers' Day. She didn't say thank you, instead she told me, in a very critical tone, "They're the sort of chocolates that you only have one a day."

She's probably kept them like the crumbly, dust filled After Eights, as a PP wrote about. Said chocolates are probably turning to dust. She'd instructed me not to send flowers, because they were "Too much trouble". Year before that I got an email asking for £20, instead of flowers. She's really quite well off.

She got F.A. this year. Funniest thing, when she didn't get flowers from me, she sent a photo of my siblings' flowers, and a bunch of daffodils she'd snipped from the garden, to insinuate we'd all sent bunches.

said poor* chocolates are probably turning to dust.

And after DH died, (suicide caused by schizophrenia) she sent me a happy birthday card, of a pink, sparkly stiletto shoe. With glitter on it, saying "have a great day!" With a load of childish stickers inside it. We'd not even had his funeral by then, which "it was too inconvenient" for her to attend. Even though DH was "like a son to her". She'd met him just the once.

Admittedly, he did die 3 weeks before my birthday. Thought that counts though eh?

"The issue isn't how much you eat, the issue is people who harp on about how dainty their appetites are and make passive aggressive remarks or judgements on other peoples portions!"

You are absolutely missing my point, so I shall try to make it a little more obvious.

Sometimes, fat people HAVE to say things like this, to deflect the inevitable looks, stares, comments, before someone makes them. It's not "harping on", it's a defence mechanism against hurt, pain, judgement.

This thread is also about what people eat, because nearly every one of the initial posts about people who do this had the corollary of "And this person is huge - they're not fooling anyone that they only have a small appetite!" It is precicesly for this reason that they do it in the first place: people's attitudes about what overweight people put in their mouths. Because people like the people who posted on this thread with such comments are judging them, they know they're being judged, and they feel the need to defend themselves before anyone can say anything about what/how much they're eating, because society expects overweight people to be "doing something about it" at every.single.damn.mealtime.

And the reason they go home and eat in secret afterwards is because they're still bloody hungry, because they've had to spend a mealtime putting on this ridiculous charade that they don't need to eat very much, because again, that's what society demands of overweight people.

I understood your point just fine, but my response is that comparing your portions to other people's deflects nothing....quite the opposite. It draws attention and I don't see how anyone could think it wouldn't.

If you are overweight and self conscious about eating, as I have been and will sympathise, you do better simply to eat lightly and not make a spectacle of yourself and point out how little you are having. If you do, and you can't figure out why people are looking at you and your food NOW, the problem isn't that you're overweight, it's that you're not very smart.

But, as user is saying, if you do try to eat lightly, without making a spectacle of yourself, you still KNOW that people are looking at what you eat and thinking 'She's just doing that for show - look at the size of her, bet she eats like a pig at home!!'. Hence feeling you need to make the comments to deflect those judgements.

Basically, fat people are damned, whatever we do.

SDTG, I understand what you're saying but, the person feeling affronted isn't making those comments to deflect the judgemental comments from the people actually making them. So there's no point, is there?

The people around us will always judge for something or other. Their opinions don't - and shouldn't - matter a wit.

Presumably, people eat together with other people they like and feel comfortable with. In that scenario, the comments sound fake and probably would grate. Why not just eat normally with the other people eating normally, ie. choose what you want, eat what you want and keep your eyes off other people's plates/comments to yourself.

My mum is always looking at other people's plates and it's so irritating. Not really the subject of this thread but she always wants to share dishes - which I won't do with her - and she always wants dessert, which I don't because they're predominantly chocolate, which I don't like at all. I keep telling her just to order what she wants (I always pay), but she just gets huffy and aggressive.

It's a minefield, it really is.

"But, as user is saying, if you do try to eat lightly, without making a spectacle of yourself, you still KNOW that people are looking at what you eat and thinking 'She's just doing that for show - look at the size of her, bet she eats like a pig at home!!'. Hence feeling you need to make the comments to deflect those judgements."

Exactly. It's been demonstrated time and time again on this thread this is exactly what people think - have you all even read the first few pages of "S/he must eat like a pig to be the size s/he is, they're not fooling anyone, hahaha, it's laughable, who do they think they're kidding, they're deluded, hahaha"?

Honestly, people who are disagreeing with this obviously a) haven't read the thread b) have never been in this position.

Was that to me, user? I have read the thread. I know that people will look askance, think inwardly 'What a pig' or some such but they don't voice this, do they? That's the point I'm making.

What do you want to do - suggest that larger/fat/obese people should never go out to eat? Because that's the reality of what you're saying if you expect random people not to judge. For heavens sake, MN would cease to exist if the posters here were not judgemental types so why do you think that people in RL are not? You see all the time here, complaints about children with red hair being judged. If you extrapolated the scenario, you'd have people looking meaningfully at the hair colourants on the shelf and back to the red headed person.

To get back to the point I was making, the people who would be eating together are surely friendly acquaintances at the very least so why would you need to make non-comments to them? They will not be judging you (general), because they like you and want to eat with you.

I won't be so rude as to dismiss your opinion or suggest that you haven't understood.

*extrapolated the scenario to a HAIRDRESSERS, that should have said, as it's changed to hair, not body.

"What do you want to do - suggest that larger/fat/obese people should never go out to eat? Because that's the reality of what you're saying if you expect random people not to judge"

Really?! Oh, I see. No, of course we shouldn't expect to be treated like actual human beings; we should expect people to judge us for what we eat in front of others.

And you wonder why people do they "oh no really, I'm full" dance.

Ignoring your first two sentences of pure hyperbole...

I wonder why people to the 'Oh no really, I'm full' thing when they're out eating with people they know and like. Why bother? These people like you (general). They're not thinking anything of your food/plate/body until you do the fakey thing. It's insulting really.

Again, you clearly have no concept of this issue. Often the people who shame you for what you eat are those closest to you. Parents, for example.

Really, if you haven't experienced this, and you clearly have not, you don't have any right to comment negatively on it.

"They're not thinking anything of your food/plate/body until you do the fakey thing. "

Also rubbish. Read the thread. Go on, go back and read all the nasty comments that people are making. Read the "this person is the size of a house, they're not fooling anyone" jokes, the poking fun, the "hahah, the deluded idiotic fat people" jibes. People DO think that and you are clearly choosing to see only what you wish to to back up your misinformed opinion.

Oh give it a rest, user, you have no idea what other people have experienced. I'm well aware of parental/friend pressure and respectfully, you don't know everything about the subject, not by a long chalk.

I didn't say I did, but neither do you. You clearly have absolutely no experience or clue about this issue; you haven't even read the thread properly (would you like me to go back and pick out all those comments for you, since your comprehension is so obviously lacking?) so don't tell me to give it a rest, thank you. Inform yourself before you start spouting such badly-formed opinions in future.

No user, I'm not professing to be an expert on the subject but I have my own opinions and if you don't understand my points, that's fine but please, I've had enough of your blisteringly enormous ego and arrogance. I'm not going to engage with you further because there's no point.

user has it quite well. I am very large. I was injured, and didn't cut down my food intake quickly enough to compensate for being hardly able to move, so got enormous - and I still can't exercise. I try to eat sensibly most of the time, and my weight is stable, but also have to avoid milk products, so no creamy sauces, squishy cakes. I know that a lot of people think I'm making an unnecessary fuss because of calories. I see the rolled eyes at conference lunches etc. It bloody hurts

Annie, I'm sorry that you have had these experiences. Nobody should be judging what anybody else is eating... but I know they do. I'm assuming that these people at conferences are acquaintances, or people that don't even know you or your situation? I imagine it would be extremely hurtful to be so scrutinised over what is essentially, nobody else's business.

Do you get the chance to fill in a 'dietary needs' form in advance at least? I know some events where food is provided have this provision.

I wish people would just mind their own business.

The thread is not about overweight people eating any amount in public. It's about people who actively try to spoil the meal for others by attention seeking and implied judgment. Once again, if you're self conscious about your size and eating in public, as I have been, and don't want to draw attention to it, you really are a bloody idiot if you make all the conversation about how much everyone else is having compared to you.

I completely understand why people might say they're full even if they're not, but the thread isn't about people saying, "Thank you but I'm done." It's about people ruining meals by trying to make others feel bad for eating more. That's rude and obnoxious at any size, and if you're bigger and shy about it, and don't want people to notice, it's complete stupidity.

People who bully those with weight problems are nasty and unacceptable, but they are a separate issue.

I genuinely have no feelings whatsoever about what people eat regardless of their size. Get something massive or get a salad - I don't care. But please don't harp on and on about your tiny appetite. Say it once if you must but after a while it's just annoying. People who are going to judge aren't going to stop just because you pretend you have a small appetite are they? So why bother?

And I disagree that it's self conscious people who do this. Those that I know are massively attention seeking and absolutely revel in it.

user my post wasn't aimed at you, or at overweight people who try and eat little when out in public. My post was about those who eat small portions but then comment on everyone else's plates or try and make everyone else feel bad by saying things like "I'd never eat all THAT" or "I can't believe how much you've eaten, are you sure you should have a cake?" Etc. Those people often aren't overweight (usually the opposite) and are looking for attention and praise for their tiny appetites and holier than thou approach to food. I think the posts where posters have said things like "and she obviously doesn't eat like that at home, she's massive!" are quite offensive and can see why overweight people would feel judged if they're friends with people like that.

if people are self conscious about what they eat, they cannot by definition be the people this thread is about

Because when you're self conscious about what you are doing you try NOT to draw attention to it and just quietly get on with it

This is a thread about people who WILL NOT STFU ABOUT HOW LITTLE THEY EAT, not people who eat lightly, or any other way..

I know stick thin women who do it, average women who do it, and over weight women who do it..

… I dislike it equally from all of them.