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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect donation from friend

139 replies

chorltonloveswheelies · 14/08/2016 15:42

More of a WWYD really....
I am friendly with another Mum from my DS' previous school.

my DS has now left the school and has several pieces of sports kit going begging - all less than 6 months old in excellent condition and with school logo on.
Friend has asked if she can have the kit for her DS. Now here's the dilemma - the kit is now useless to me as my DS will need new stuff and although it originally cost me about £100 it has no resell value.

Now tbh I woiuld gladly hand it over as a gift to any other friend but I'm a bit Hmm that she hasn't made any gesture to make a donation or even offer a bottle of wine.

Relevant back story is that I have also looked after her DS after school every other Thursday for the past year. Was happy to do it and was not looking for payment at all, but again, would a bunch of flowers or wine not gone a miss when that came to an end??
Nothing, just a thanks.

So I guess question is: is she taking the piss, or am I being a tight wad? Part of me is inclined just to give the kit to school PTA where she'll at least have to pay a nominal amount to the school.

OP posts:
foursillybeans · 14/08/2016 17:25

YANBU. Just say I'm selling it for ££, would you like first dibs?

SandyPantz · 14/08/2016 17:27

It's horrible when you only accept to be polite in the first place,

No, what's actually horrible is dealing with people who don't say what they mean, and say the opposite, then seeth because you took them at their word instead of reading their minds!

drinkingtea · 14/08/2016 17:27

SoHere - I've encountered similar on a smaller scale. I give kids clothes away when I clear out, a friend wanting stuff is very convenient, if not I have to slig it to a charity shop. Selling it means bothering to take photos of everything and post packages or wait in for a buyer to turn up, or do a boot sale and still end up taking a lot home. Giving it away is convenient!

The otherwise lovely gran of one of DC3's friends coaxed him to try on his friend's outgrown shoes, sent me a photo sayong he loved them and could have them! He didn't need shoes esp second hand ones, but I replied that that was very kind just for politeness' sake and she replied "what about £5?" Hmm I found it very weird indeed. Unlike others I said no though :o

A toddlers group "friend" in the loose sense did similar - asked if I had any use for outgrown stuff as she was getting rid of it, so I said that's kind, and she then brought to my house specially with extortionate price labels similar to what I'd pay new, though maybe the clothes were more expensive than I'd buy, though no big name brands or designer stuff so maybe not ... Turns out she was going to boot sale them if none of her friends bought them, which is fine, but she didn't say that or I'd have said no! I doubt she got anything near her asking prices at boot sale.

Diglet · 14/08/2016 17:27

This is such a typical Mumsnet type of senerio which could easily be sorted by a little bit of polite honesty. OP, if you would like her to give you something then you need to ask her. If you really don't want to ask her then I think it would actually be mean of you to give her the items but feel resentful about it.

I get a lot of people asking me for favours partly because I'm helpful but also because I'm honest with people. I'll happy to say that I don't want to help out and rather than that putting people off I think it reassures them. They know if I say yes it's because I am genuinely happy to help out. It takes the guesswork out of it.

SandyPantz · 14/08/2016 17:28

sorry, thought that was @ the OP, I see now you mean the £100 bag of tat

Heidi42 · 14/08/2016 17:29

I think unless you have a need for her then you need to get rid of her she is no friend of yours , she is taking advantage of your good nature . I wonder if you were of no use to her if she would still be a friend ?

Original poster
chorltonloveswheelies · 14/08/2016 17:29

More gesture than donation really - return of favour/wine/flowers whatever....

Highly unlikely there would be any gesture on giving her the kit, given nada for a year of childcare. (And no she wasn't childminding for me in those intervening weeks Grin)

Yes there is some subconscious favour quid pro quo we all have (even if we won't admit it). Is that not part of what a friendship is - give and take that comes from both sides and doesn't need to be discussed verbally?

OP posts:
Heidi42 · 14/08/2016 17:29

shes a user and and turning you into a loser

SandyPantz · 14/08/2016 17:29

I give kids clothes away when I clear out, a friend wanting stuff is very convenient

yup, I tend to think that people are helping me out by recycling stuff I'm trying to decluter out of the house

SandyPantz · 14/08/2016 17:31

given nada for a year of childcare. (And no she wasn't childminding for me in those intervening weeks

Did you ever ask her to OP?

Did she turn you down every time you needed a babysitter/favour, or did you just never need a babysitter/favour/asked someone else/family if you did?

I'm asking if this person has actually had the oportunity to repay the favour, you cannot do so if someone doesn't tell you what favours they need

OpenMe · 14/08/2016 17:31

Yes, I give things away to see them used without expecting anything in return, but I do have an idea in my mind of those who are most deserving.

Diglet · 14/08/2016 17:33

oP
Is that not part of what a friendship is - give and take that comes from both sides and doesn't need to be discussed verbally?

You have already got that. You Are giving and she is taking Wink

NotYoda · 14/08/2016 17:38

I think the issue is the childcare you did. If you'd received more recognition about that, then you'd be happy to give the clothes, I guess.

I don't think the two issues can be separated really.

rookiemere · 14/08/2016 17:39

I totally get you OP.

I bet even if she'd phoned up and said " I really hate to be asking again for a favour, as you were so fantastic looking after DS, but I wondered if you had any old uniform items we could have" you wouldn't have been posting here, even though in essence she was asking for the same thing.

In the reciprocal world if you feel you are taking more than receiving, then you either need to try to offer something or spend some money. It doesn't matter if the person is a friend or not, no one should be taking advantage of you.

SandyPantz · 14/08/2016 17:41

yeah but the OP still hasn't answered whether she has ever called in the childminding favour or not

the other parent might be delighted to return the favour, and just has never been asked yet.

We don't know.

If he OP has asked several times for babysitting/pick ups/favours/lifts and it's never been reocipiricated, then that's out of order.
However, the OP is BU if she's never given the other parent the opportunity to repay the favour and is at the same time bitter about it

dustarr73 · 14/08/2016 17:43

But they are separate issues.The op can say no.She did childcare for a year,more fool her.If it wasnt convenient she should have told her.

She cant moan about it now.And the clothes just tell teh woman you want money for tehm.

NotYoda · 14/08/2016 17:43

Sandy

Yes, That's true

NotYoda · 14/08/2016 17:45

dustarr

I don't think they are separate in the OPs mind, which is why she seems petty about the clothes. I agree that if you aren't assertive the first time you need to be, then that leaves you with a resentment that you bring to other events later

maggiethemagpie · 14/08/2016 17:45

I think it's a manners thing. Some people have manners, some don't. eg, a friend's sister offered to ice my wedding cake, she wasn't expecting any payment and I provided the icing but I wouldn't have dreamt of not giving her something to say thank you (a big thing with me) and I bought her some wine and chocs.

It's the same when you go and stay at someone's house - it's good manners and etiquette to bring a gift to acknowledge their hospitality.

HOWEVER, you can't insist people have manners when they don't! So, OP, you either give the gift freely and hope they do have manners or if it's not really a gift but more something you want to barter/sell, you name your price eg 'I was going to put it on facebook for £10 but I'll tell you what if you want to take it off my hands now I'll take £8'

amidawish · 14/08/2016 17:48

she's pushing it.

tell her you'd like £20 for the lot.

no reasoning or explanation, just straight. if she says "no" then fine. if she argues she's a cheeky cow. you know she won't give you something, some people don't realise that you are doing them a favour. she probably thought her son was entertaining your ds every other thursday and it had absolutely no impact to you.

SandyPantz · 14/08/2016 17:49

it is NOT bad manors to repay favours with favours, rather than wine/chocs. It's also not bad manors to repay favours at any time, not at the moment someone does a favour for you

we just don't know from the OP whether any have been called in yet or not.

The friend might well be a "taker" who is never free to babysit for OP for silly reasons "oh, sorry, we planned a movie night, can't"
Or, the friend might be willing to bend over backwards to help the OP out when the OP needs it, if the OP ever asks!

TheWindInThePillows · 14/08/2016 17:51

I usually just hand stuff along, I don't expect payment.

I don't think anyone pays the parents for second hand stuff, do they?

At our school, we donate anything we don't want and the PTA or whatever they are called try to sell it to raise funds for the school.

When we moved schools, I gave away a whole bag of logoed clothes, I was happy to pass them on, I wouldn't have expected money for them or even a small gift.

But it turns out on MN I should be giving a lot more gifts, like when my kids go round for a playdate, I should be taking some sweets, giving thank you cards if they get presents, even when they said 'thank you' and so forth. Some people must have a stock of wine/flowers/chocs/Haribo bags and be constantly handing them out. Round our way, people do favours because it's nice and rarely seem to give gifts as tokens of appreciation- they just say 'thanks for having Petal today' or 'thanks for looking after such and such at short notice', 'thanks for the sweatshirts' or whatever. I'm fine with just a thanks.

TheWindInThePillows · 14/08/2016 17:53

Having said that, if it was a significant favour like having a child over every Thursday, I'd get vouchers/flowers and a card at the end of each term and check the arrangement was still ok. I think that's slightly different than giving someone some old school sports stuff, which with the best will in the world, you can't really sell on.

drinkingtea · 14/08/2016 17:53

Oh god its not "a manners thing" its common decency and reciprocity - thank you is "manners" and the recipient has said thank you but that's left the OP cold.

Sime people get so tangled up in giving gesture presents to thank for tiny freely offered favours that they spend more than the full market value of the goods or service in possibly unwanted prssents for something they might have actually not wanted to have done/ received as a favour in the first place ... That way maddness lies (as with the pp who paid out for lunch and soft play in return for one used Asda trousers and top)

cherryplumbanana · 14/08/2016 17:54

if you GIVE something, it means you don't expect anything in return.
If you SELL, then you expect payment.

With some people, you will always get it wrong. Charming people doing you a favour will be really offended if you offer to pay, others on this forum seem to expect money for everything.

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