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AIBU?

To expect donation from friend

139 replies

chorltonloveswheelies · 14/08/2016 15:42

More of a WWYD really....
I am friendly with another Mum from my DS' previous school.

my DS has now left the school and has several pieces of sports kit going begging - all less than 6 months old in excellent condition and with school logo on.
Friend has asked if she can have the kit for her DS. Now here's the dilemma - the kit is now useless to me as my DS will need new stuff and although it originally cost me about £100 it has no resell value.

Now tbh I woiuld gladly hand it over as a gift to any other friend but I'm a bit Hmm that she hasn't made any gesture to make a donation or even offer a bottle of wine.

Relevant back story is that I have also looked after her DS after school every other Thursday for the past year. Was happy to do it and was not looking for payment at all, but again, would a bunch of flowers or wine not gone a miss when that came to an end??
Nothing, just a thanks.

So I guess question is: is she taking the piss, or am I being a tight wad? Part of me is inclined just to give the kit to school PTA where she'll at least have to pay a nominal amount to the school.

OP posts:
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NotYoda · 14/08/2016 18:51

As others have said, given what you've told us now:

Basically, she could be more generous, and you could be more assertive.

You can only control one of those things

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SandyPantz · 14/08/2016 18:52

WeAllHaveWings if you say "let me know if there's anything I can do", the other person still has to let you know when there's something you can do for them.

you don't just stab in the dark trying to guess what they actually need, they still have to tell you/ask, and they might not need anything for a while.

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Becky546 · 14/08/2016 18:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RepentAtLeisure · 14/08/2016 19:05

Christ, only on Mumsnet could someone come on here and say they gave a friend loads of free childcare, and would be happy to give her £100 worth of school uniform for a bottle of wine, and be accused of being mean!

Some people just weren't raised to have decent manners. I wasn't, my DPs were always oblivious to that stuff. I eventually realized that people would give me little gifts for inviting them to dinner, or for taking care of their dc's, and cottoned on that it's what well-mannered people do. She is probably just thoughtless. Tell her you can't afford to give it away for free, and give her a price.

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Gottagetmoving · 14/08/2016 19:12

She may get you wine or flowers later?
Your friend sounds like one of those people who accept help without thinking to return the favour.
If I had a friend like that and liked her I think I would be able to say something along the lines of 'yeah,...you can get me a bottle of wine for the favour'

If you think she is thoughtless then don't do the favours.

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expatinscotland · 14/08/2016 19:15

Just tell you you are selling it. It will be £x.

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SandyPantz · 14/08/2016 19:16

Repent I would prefer people in my life who I can call on for actual favours at some point in the future as and when I actually need them, than people with your manners who give "little gifts" and are then off the hook

What would I want with "little gifts?" I want plenty of people who I can call on for lift shares if my two kids have to be in two different parties at the same time in opposite ends of time!

Keep yer polite little gifts! Grin

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MiniMum97 · 14/08/2016 19:25

You don't need it. You have said it has no resale value so just give it to her. It's good to pass on things you have no use for to people who need them! Don't really understand why you would expect an offer of a donation or a bottle of wine!

The looking after your DS thing is a diff matter though. A gift for you giving free childcare for such a long period should have been forthcoming really.

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nennyrainbow · 14/08/2016 19:38

It's the fact that she asked for it that gets me. I've not heard of anyone asking for free hand me downs before. It's usually something you get given and then you offer to pay for, and if the donor refuses payment you then buy some flowers or chocolates or something. Was she trying to get in before other friends of yours with DCs at the same school so that she could get first dibs?

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chorltonloveswheelies · 14/08/2016 20:37

Rainbow, she asked me as soon as I told her DS was moving schools. "Chorlton, as you'll not be needing DS' kit in Septembet could I have certain items?" End of...

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expatinscotland · 14/08/2016 20:42

' "Chorlton, as you'll not be needing DS' kit in Septembet could I have certain items?" End of...'

Then you grow a pair and say, 'Sorry, but I'm going to sell them. I'm putting them on (Ebay,FB, etc) and looking for £50.'

End of.

If you don't allow people to walk all over you, they can't.

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RandomMess · 14/08/2016 20:45

The way she asked was REALLY cheeky!!!

If she had said "Could I have 1st dibs at buying DS old kit I'd appreciate it" it would feel different, you probably would have just let her have it!

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SandyPantz · 14/08/2016 20:50

"Chorlton, as you'll not be needing DS' kit in Septembet could I have certain items?"

Was a question not an order

You could have said "haven't thought that far ahead yet, I'll let you know when I decide whether to sell them or what"

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Diglet · 14/08/2016 21:16

Sooooo, don't keep us in suspense, what are you going to do???????

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chorltonloveswheelies · 14/08/2016 21:30

Have sent text saying £15 would really help towards buying new kit for DS a shed

No response yet

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Familyof3or4 · 14/08/2016 21:34

If someone looked after my dc every week is definitely do something to say thanks.

I was given some school uniform someone didn't need last year and said thanks and no more.

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expatinscotland · 14/08/2016 21:35

Good grief! Grow a spine. Just because she asked doesn't mean you owe her FA and even if you said okay, you are allowed to change your mind. 'Changed my mind. Decided to sell this kit instead. It's going on Ebay/FB, etc.' She saw you coming.

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SandyPantz · 14/08/2016 21:36

what has what you would spend the money on got to do with how much the kit you're giving/selling is worth?

God, I'm glad my friends are more straight forward.

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Diglet · 14/08/2016 21:46

Well done OP, she will still get a great bargain if she wants it and you won't feel taken advantage.

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HarryPottersMagicWand · 14/08/2016 21:52

You said she did say thanks for having her DS, she didn't give a present, which I think YABU about. You were doing a favour, presents shouldn't be warranted.

YANBU about the kit though. I would have advertised it through the school tbh. Or told her that's what you intended to do then left it with her.

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drinkingtea · 15/08/2016 09:37

In your OP you said you got "nothing just a thanks" for looking after her child every other term time Thursday after school.

Now you say she didn't say thanks?

It may be she is a chancer but the silent seething at not being bought presents is ridiculous esp as she may well not know you expect presents!

You do favours you should ask favours in return.

You want something for the child's uniform items you can no longer use you say so when somebody else asks if you'll pass them along - a lot of people would be glad to get rid to somebody who could use them, others would sell.

The problem is you have a favour for gift exchange system in your head and are seething that she can't read your mind.

Its good you've said what you mean now but it would be 100 times easier to do so upfront if not being given gifts (if expected they are payment in kind not gifts and you actually need to be OFSTED registered for child minding in return for payment of any kind Wink ) as well as verbal thanks when you do favours upsets you.

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drinkingtea · 15/08/2016 09:41

Exactly [Sandy] most people do favours with the tacit expectation they can then call in favours in return and would feel a bit taken advantage of to be bought off with little token gifts like flowers and chocolate.

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CurlyMoo · 15/08/2016 09:48

But don't people normally give you the wine / chocs after you've given them the stuff?

I think this is very dependent, not necessarily. In the OP's circs I would be happy to pass on the stuff without any gift/donation as they were no longer any use to me. I can't be bothered selling anything either. I don't like the tit-for-tat attitude (especially with friends) so it wouldn't bother me if I didn't get chocs/wine etc.

I would be a bit Hmm about her outright asking for it (unless she is a very good friend) but I do think YAB a bit U expecting something after you have said she can have it.

My mother OTOH is extremely tit-for-tat and would have probably sent you a hamper of wine costing more than the value of a new kit. She does my head in this way.

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CheerfulYank · 15/08/2016 11:59

I don't think you're being unreasonable. It's very rude to ask for items and not at least offer to pay.

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NotYoda · 15/08/2016 12:42

OP

You have contradicted yourself. you said she said thanks, then you said she didn't

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