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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect donation from friend

139 replies

chorltonloveswheelies · 14/08/2016 15:42

More of a WWYD really....
I am friendly with another Mum from my DS' previous school.

my DS has now left the school and has several pieces of sports kit going begging - all less than 6 months old in excellent condition and with school logo on.
Friend has asked if she can have the kit for her DS. Now here's the dilemma - the kit is now useless to me as my DS will need new stuff and although it originally cost me about £100 it has no resell value.

Now tbh I woiuld gladly hand it over as a gift to any other friend but I'm a bit Hmm that she hasn't made any gesture to make a donation or even offer a bottle of wine.

Relevant back story is that I have also looked after her DS after school every other Thursday for the past year. Was happy to do it and was not looking for payment at all, but again, would a bunch of flowers or wine not gone a miss when that came to an end??
Nothing, just a thanks.

So I guess question is: is she taking the piss, or am I being a tight wad? Part of me is inclined just to give the kit to school PTA where she'll at least have to pay a nominal amount to the school.

OP posts:
manicinsomniac · 14/08/2016 16:19

Technically, YABU as you don't do favours or give things with an expectation of anything in return.

However, I can't imagine not giving a gift of appreciation to someone who does a big favour like childcare or agrees to give a high value item.

So, by all social norms and decency, YANBU.

TaLLyHOnellie · 14/08/2016 16:20

For me, it's more the principal of the fact that she hasn't even given a token gift for having her child for all those weeks.

It wouldn't even matter what it was - it's the fact that I was thought about and appreciated.

Two friends have my son for 1hr each once a fortnight. I buy them birthday, Christmas and July gifts approx £20 each everytime as I appreciate them for what they do

cherryplumbanana · 14/08/2016 16:23

It's impossible to answer without knowing your friend. She could be cheeky, and one of these people always trying to get free stuff from someone.

She could be lovely, and the thought of paying you not having crosser her mind. I have friends who have given away baby and children stuff without second thoughts, and wouldn't offer money if they ask for something only because they do not function like that at all.

Another example: when I invite one of my children's friend on holiday, s/he is invited, meaning I don't expect parents to pay anything. It hadn't even occur to me to ask for anything until I came on this forum. I have read threads on here where inviting parents expect money to cover their petrol/ tickets/ food for a week and extras.
Sometimes it's more a culture shock than being willingly unpleasant.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 14/08/2016 16:26

You haven't given her it yet. She may well give you something on receiving it.

AndNowItsSeven · 14/08/2016 16:27

How do you know she won't give you a bottle of wine? If I asked a favour I would offer the wine after the favour or at the time , not in advance.

flowery · 14/08/2016 16:29

What makes you think she isn't going to give you a bottle of wine or some chocolates? That's not something you negotiate beforehand, it's something you get as a thank you afterwards.

TheNaze73 · 14/08/2016 16:30

YANBU. Tell them you're whacking it on eBay

rookiemere · 14/08/2016 16:32

Well the friend has never given her a bean, nor chocolates, nor wine or indeed anything at all for looking after her DS once a fortnight for an entire school year, so it seems unlikely that she is going to be handing over the Chablis now.

Plus it's just damn cheeky to ask for someone's old school clothes. We have been given things on occasion, and I have also given stuff to others, but the key thing is that it's offered not asked for. If she had asked do you have any of DS's old uniform that you'd like to sell to me then OP would doubtless have given it to her for free, but to just expect it for nothing is greedy regardless of what culture you're from.

OpenMe · 14/08/2016 16:37

Are you sure she isn't going to offer anything? When DS1's friend's mum mentioned he'd grown out of some school stuff, I said "don't throw it away, DS2 starts next year". I never intended for her to give it to me though and when the time came did offer cash ( although she didn't take it)

SandyPantz · 14/08/2016 16:37

I don't get this business of "paying" for favours in wine and flowers,
Surely you repay favours with favours

E.g. my neighbour has my kids for free, at exam time I tutored her older kid a bit for free.

If I'ld "paid" her for the childminding, she wouldn't have felt able to ask me for some free tutoring. Or else she'ld have had to pay me for it, instead of us just doing each other favours as and when needed.

OP, have you ever asked this person for a favour in return? Perhaps she plans to pay you back that way, i.e. being happy to babysit for you if asked because you CM for her

Maybe she has every intention of returning the favour, the OP just hasn't asked for/needed any CMing etc yet

SandyPantz · 14/08/2016 16:39

I absolutely do not expect flowers or wine for doing some pick ups or babysitting for friends

What I DO expect is to be able to ask them if I need help in the future, they will do their best to help if they can.

Favours don't have to be paid immediately, it's better to repay them when they're actually needed

rookiemere · 14/08/2016 16:48

I guess a lot of us work on the unofficial favour tot up policy sandypantz and part of the unwritten code for that is to not ask for too many favours if the other person isn't getting anything in return.

I'd be incredibly grateful if someone offered DS fortnightly afterschool care for a year, and would definitely have given them something as that extends way beyond the remit of reciprocal favours. To not give a single thing, but instead to demand free uniform is just rude.

OpenMe · 14/08/2016 16:49

I agree Sandy. I think we all keep a (subconscious) tally of who we owe favours to and who we're owed by. That means we know who we can ask next time. I always like to have a few in hand. It's not as blatant as saying you know I looked after DC, that means you own me one, so can you feed the fish while we're away, but it would mean I felt comfortable to ask.

I often offer favours to people, it's not only because I'm lovely Smile

Some people don't get it though and ask continuously even though they haven;t paid their dues. Although I'd be more than happy to let two or three build up before deciding that particular friend wasn't with the programme Grin

drinkingtea · 14/08/2016 16:57

Does OP looking after friend's kid every other Thursday mean OP andfriend had each other's kid alternate Thursdays by any chance Wink :o

SandyPantz · 14/08/2016 17:01

I often offer favours to people, it's not only because I'm lovely smile
Me too, I secretely

Topsy44 · 14/08/2016 17:01

If she was a friend, I'd just give them to her. The only thing I would expect back wou,d be a thank you.

SoHereItIs2016 · 14/08/2016 17:06

Not quite th same but I will never forget when my best friend asked if I wanted some clothes and bits her boys had outgrown....Insaid yes that would be great....received a bin bag full of old clothes ( many of them worn out) plus a potty (!!) and she said Inwas thinking of £100 for the lot.....I honestly didn't know what to say and just paid up.... I could have bought all of it and more brand new for £100!!

iseenodust · 14/08/2016 17:09

I'm another who wouldn't say up front 'I'll give you wine for them' but I would turn up with a bottle when collecting the clothes. If I was OP I would happily pass the clothes on for free to a friend as I'm hopeless at getting round to selling stuff like that.

usual · 14/08/2016 17:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 14/08/2016 17:18

I wouldn't ask for a donation either.

Mind you I gave two edinburgh festival tickets to complete strangers in a queue for nothing last week as they said they liked the show and we weren't able to go..

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 14/08/2016 17:18

They looked at them suspiciously Grin

rookiemere · 14/08/2016 17:19

Sohere - I hope that is an ex friend.

I had a similar thing, I flat shared in the early 90's so a very long time ago. Flat mate asked if I wanted her old duvet cover set, didn't particularly need one but thought it would be good to have a spare, she then proceeded to ask for £7 for it, which was quite a lot in those days for a second hand set of bedding.

rookiemere · 14/08/2016 17:20

Lol fanjo - we gave away tickets once at the Edinburgh Christmas thing as you had to buy what you wanted in advance and as the queue was very long DH over purchased and it turned out the ride was too babyish for DS. It was really hard to get anyone to take it.

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 14/08/2016 17:23

You have old clothes you can't use which have no resale value but you resent one of the few people who can put them to use having them?

This! If you only give to receive in return, don't give in the first place OP.

cherryplumbanana · 14/08/2016 17:23

SoHereItIs2016 I hate people like that, I had a couple of "friends" who did that. It's horrible when you only accept to be polite in the first place, and you have tried to refuse nicely a couple of times, only to be given a bill at the end. Awful people. If you charge someone, tell them when you offer, otherwise it's too late.
"would you like this? I was thinking £..."
It can't be too hard, can it.

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