To expect donation from friend

[chorltonloveswheelies]

More of a WWYD really....
I am friendly with another Mum from my DS' previous school.

my DS has now left the school and has several pieces of sports kit going begging - all less than 6 months old in excellent condition and with school logo on.
Friend has asked if she can have the kit for her DS. Now here's the dilemma - the kit is now useless to me as my DS will need new stuff and although it originally cost me about £100 it has no resell value.

Now tbh I woiuld gladly hand it over as a gift to any other friend but I'm a bit that she hasn't made any gesture to make a donation or even offer a bottle of wine.

Relevant back story is that I have also looked after her DS after school every other Thursday for the past year. Was happy to do it and was not looking for payment at all, but again, would a bunch of flowers or wine not gone a miss when that came to an end??
Nothing, just a thanks.

So I guess question is: is she taking the piss, or am I being a tight wad? Part of me is inclined just to give the kit to school PTA where she'll at least have to pay a nominal amount to the school.

[thepenguinsrock]

Look on Facebook and see if your local area has a buy sell swap site as uniform is always up for sale on my local one. If my kids didn't feel the need to loose/destroy every piece of uniform I buy them 😠 I'd sell mine ☺ you can say to the friend that your planning on listing it for x amount and see what she says.
I always offer money when someone tries to give me something it's rude not to really even if it's a small gesture amount.

[SandyPantz]

same round here, "thank you for having my kid" is all I get, OH hang on, I also get to know that I have a favour to call in if I ever need childcare.. but what's that worth if I could just have a shit bottle of wine or some chocolates that I'ld eat in one go and hate myself for if my friends had "manners"?

[rookiemere]

But Sandypantz Op may not need any favours. I have a similar situation with my neighbour. DS is pals with her son. Her DS is a bit older, also she doesn't work out of the home and her and her DH don't like to go out very much.
I have asked her on occasion - after she has volunteered to have DS for a few days in the summer. I make sure it's not too many and I invite her DS when we are going out on excursions and have the whole family round for drinks from time to time. I also offer to babysit if required and their DS has been over for a couple of sleepovers.

It's not up to her to think of how I can thank her for picking up my DS and looking after him , that's on me.

[SandyPantz]

I don't keep chocolate in my house for a good reason, i.e. I have no impulse control! If I got a box of chocs everytime we picked up a friend from school I'ld be fucking massive!

[SandyPantz]

rookiemere it doesn't have to be like for like

we have a friend whose minded our kids a lot who doesn't need childcare in return.
We have however done personal references for them, signed their passport form, DH has helped them out with DIY, we've dropped round meals when the husband was discharged from hospital after an op.

Childcare favours don't need to be repaid with childcare favours. Just knowing that a neighbours door is there to knock on if you need anything is worth doing it IMO

[SirVixofVixHall]

You could stick it on Ebay. Or explain to her that you were going to give it to the PTA to resell to raise money for the school. Or just say that you wanted to sell it all through facebook, as it is all in excellent condition and altogether cost such a lot. The other option is to give it to her, or to say that someone else has asked if they can buy it from you, and you want to give her first refusal as she had also asked.

[SandyPantz]

They haven't left it up to us to know what they need though, they've texted/facebooked/asked…

.. because them doing the childcare as a favour has established a relationship where they can ask any time for anything and we'll help if we can.

But it's not our job to know what they need or when they need it.

[SandyPantz]

What it boils down to, is if you're expecting instant repayment of a favour, its not a favour, so don't do it in the first place.

[drinkingtea]

20 Thursday after school "minding" sessions means the other mum does owe the OP quite a lot of babysitting - 5 inconvenient late evening babysitting sessions or a weekend including an overnight, if she can't do after school likr for like I'd say...

OP should start asking a few favours in return, but the recipient giving more than the monetary value of whatever 20 after school club or CM after school sessions would be in gesture presents and Hallmark cardsis just daft - favours are returned with favours - much more sensible to pay for a service directly if you can afford to than give ott lavish gesture gifts to show you have manners but you cba with the inconvenience of returning the
favour.

If the OP won't let the other mum return the favour that is awkward, if the recipient won't return the favour when OP asks it is then she shows herself up as a chancer to be dumped.

[Shallishanti]

sounds like you don't owe her a favour at all.
If you need or want the money, reply to her with 'actually I was going to sell them as they're almost new and cost me £100- I'd be happy to let you have them for £50 though'
if you DON'T need the money, tell her you are going to GIVE them to school so they can give them to a child who is in genuine need.

[rookiemere]

No I agree sandypantz and I absolutely love that I have a network of other parents where we are happy to support and pick up the slack for one another as required.

However in this case it seems as if the OP has provided a huge amount of free childcare already. She probably wouldn't have given it any thought or indeed posted about it on AIBU, had the other DM not then requested another favour which again saves her loads of money, without acknowledging OP's huge existing contribution.

I'm definitely not saying bring chocs/wine/flowers for every playdate or pick up, that way madness lies. Sometimes one side does a little more - for example DS was at football camp with his pal and I did a lot more of the ferrying to and from - didn't bother me as I could fit it more readily round my working hours than the other parents, and this week when he goes to rugby camp the other parent we're sharing lifts with will be doing a bit more than me. That's totally normal.

In this situation though the other DM has probably had around £200 free childcare from Op and is now asking to save another £100 which is a bit cheeky.

[chorltonloveswheelies]

Sandy .,,, nope never asked for childminding favours from her nor has she ever offered,

Vastly different dynamic from other friends who ask a favour, you gladly help out; Then they offer to help you in some way and you accept.... So on and so on. To those friends I would have just given the kit and not expected/asked for a jot.

To the poster who mentioned manners, yes, I think it's as simple as that.

[SandyPantz]

Then they offer to help you in some way and you accept
How do they offer help that you actually need if you don't let them know what you need help with???

I mean, you can't randomly offer help with DIY or moving etc unless someone tells you they're doing DIY or moving, can you? you don't just randomly offer those things

[HeddaLettuce]

Give it away or don't, sell it or don't. But don't do either with bad grace, bitching behind someones back about what you think they should do. Bad form.

[rookiemere]

OP - have you already said you'd give her the stuff. If not then I'd suggest doing something like saying that you'd bagged it up and your DH has already brought it into the PTA or something like that. You don't want to give it to her and she doesn't sound like a true friend.

Or if that's too much then say that you were going to give it to the PTA so if she gives you a £20 donation to the PTA you'll hand it in for her ( wouldn't trust her to put the money in herself).

[NotYoda]

OP

How did you feel about the child-care at the time?

Was it alOk, were there times it was inconvenient/ Did you feel resentful at the time, or only now, looking back?

[SandyPantz]

I really don't get how this offering favours works instead of asking for them when they're actually needed?

"thanks for having DD, now can I sign your passport form? help clear your garden? can I mind your cat?"
WTF

Just ask the friend for a few things you NEED. If she doesn't at least try to help, she's a taker, if she does, you're even and you won't be so bitter about the childcare.

[chorltonloveswheelies]

Sandy..to be honest not my place to put words in her mouth. I can only say that if it was the other way round I might have regularly offered to return favour in whatever way friend saw fit.

I am not being petty or mean. Am genuinely by situation which is why I asked for advice

[Diglet]

What are you going to do?

[SandyPantz]

Then be annoyed then, if you're never going to let the person know when you need a favour.

It's not their fault that they can't read your mind.

For all you know they could have been only too happy to help, but help is only helpful when it's actually needed.

[Diglet]

You are not petty or mean but you are being a bit passive and moany. You need to decide what you want to do and stop being so worried about how you will come across. You can ask for some money AND be polite.

[chorltonloveswheelies]

NotYoda... Was happy to look after her DS as he gets on well with my DS. I'd said I didn't want money (and I didn't) but when she didn't even express thanks when the year came to an end, it's not unnatural to think WTF?!

[SandyPantz]

she never said "thank you" any of the thursdays on picking him up?

or never gave you a pointless thank you "token" maybe because she'ld happily repay the favour when asked

[WeAllHaveWings]

I mean, you can't randomly offer help

Why not?

You say, you've been great doing all this childcare for me, if you weren't helping out I couldn't work/it would cost a fortune, I feel like its always you doing something for me, can we return the favour by baby sitting/taking yours for a sleepover, no? okay but do let me know if there is ever anything you need we can help with.

Easy.

[NotYoda]

She offered money and you didn't want any?

She should have thanked you, yes. Did she really not thank you at all?

If you had your time again, I wonder if you'd be happier to have asked for some small token ("Just get me a bottle of wine"). Then you wouldn't feel taken advantage of.

But I don't really think you can blame her now, for asking again.

You can say no, or ask her for some money