Away from home and partner gone missing, help

[Discopanda]

Posting here for traffic. We're in Brighton for the weekend and last night got a babysitter so we could go out for a few drinks. When we got in just before 12, DP went with babysitter to get cash to pay her, hasn't come back since. I guessed he'd gone on for a couple more drinks but everywhere will be closed now. His phone is off (it was low on battery when we were out), I don't have a working mobile just my laptop, he's got the only door key and I can't drive, so I am literally stuck here with our 2 DDs (1 and 4), check out is at 4 and I've got all our things and have no idea how I'm even going to be able to take the girls downstairs for breakfast without the key card to get back in after. I was considering calling the local A&E to see if he's got hurt or injured but don't want to wake them up. What do I do?!?!

[ilovesooty]

took the trouble to post
trying to support the OP

In many cases just speculation and rubber necking and taking the opportunity to drive their own agenda or simply place mark.

[trafalgargal]

I don't think anyone thinks the OPs husband has covered himself in glory but popping in for nightcap before heading back if he passed a still open bar isn't a hanging offence ....... Yes if he'd gone straight back he wouldn't have got the card stolen and things wouldn't have escalated but plenty of people on holiday do stuff like that especially when the whole family is crammed in one room.

A lot for me would depend if he had form for wandering off or not. One off I'd expect him to learn and go to great lengths to make it up to me .........an ongoing pattern would be an entirely different matter and kids or not I'd be rethinking the relationship.

[LassWiTheDelicateAir]

but popping in for nightcap before heading back if he passed a still open bar

Well that's a pretty good example of refusing to recognise a potentially problematic relationship with alcohol.

[Sallystyle]

This is the OP's marriage.

Would I stand for that shit? No, I wouldn't. I personally have no time for men who go out and get that pissed and not even call me to tell me where he is when I'm expecting him home.

However, the OP is a grown woman, I am sure she is capable of working out if he is lying and that his behaviour isn't ok. She doesn't need a bunch of posters trying to drum it in her head that he might be lying or he acted like a complete arsehole. I am sure she knows that, give her some credit.

I assume she is dealing with it privately, and if she is willing to brush it off as no big deal I doubt anything anyone says will change that.

So what is the point of people going on about what an arsehole he has been or how he might be lying? If people think they have been supportive here then they are having a laugh. Some people have genuinely been supportive, but most people just ramped it all up, gave her more to worry about and seem like they won't be happy unless the OP comes back and says she has LTB.

Stop playing detectives and pretending you are doing so to 'support' the OP.

[MephistoMarley]

Wow so the bloke made a mistake. Doesn't make him a bad person

Basically, yes it does. Walking off to get pissed instead of returning to your hotel room where your wife and two small children are waiting are the actions of a bad father, bad husband and all round selfish dick. Getting arrested and robbed is just the sort of shitty thing that happens to blokes who get wrecked in strange cities and don't know how to hold their booze. No sympathy tbh

[ilovesooty]

Well said U2

[LassWiTheDelicateAir]

Mephisto imagine if a woman had behaved like this.

Walking off to get pissed instead of returning to your hotel room where your husband and two small children are waiting are the actions of a bad mother, bad wife and all round selfish [insert appropriate word]. Getting arrested and robbed is just the sort of shitty thing that happens to women who get wrecked in strange cities and don't know how to hold their booze

No one would call this behaviour "Getting into a pickle" or "going for a night cap" if a woman had behaved like this.

[GabsAlot]

i agree lass

if this was a wopman she would be chastised on here and called a horrible mother

coz its a bloke its ok he just got into a pickle in a bar on the way home

[LyndaNotLinda]

trafalgargal: "a load of bitter cheated upon harridans". Nice bit of misogynist language there there.

FWIW, I don't think the lurid speculation is remotely helpful to Discopanda - some people seem to forget there are real people on the other side of the keyboard. But neither is minimising this kind of behaviour and writing it off as a 'bit of a pickle'.

Women often come on MN to complain about one thing and, through the course of the thread, realise that what they accepted as normal behaviour doesn't belong in a respectful loving relationship.

I don't know where the OP is on that trajectory but I'm not going to patronise her by making out it's okay. It's not.

[VelvetSpoon]

But again, we don't KNOW he set out to get pissed. We don't know how long he was planning to be out after drawing out the cash for the babysitter - half an hour (one or two more drinks) or an all-nighter? I'd guess closer to the former.

Yes he didn't let her know. I'd expect a text, but the OP has no phone. How did he think things would turn out? If he'd come back after say an hour (including time to get the babysitters money) would the OP have been worried? Probably not. If you read her first post she says she thought he'd gone for a couple and only got worried once hours had passed and he didn't turn up. He didn't intend to get his card stolen, or end up in a cell. Yes, it's not good. But it doesn't necessarily mean he has a problem with alcohol. People make mistakes. I have a friend who holds a v senior position in a firm. Drinks rarely. But once got so pissed she started a fight (with a man, unprovoked) and was lucky not to have been arrested. Not something she does regularly, or ever. But it happened.

And all this he's got alcohol issues stuff really only started once it was clear he wasn't on drugs/ with the babysitter or a prostitute. Posters have the bit between their teeth that this man is shit, the OP should ltb, and because the sex/ drugs turned out (surprise, surprise) to be wrong, and the attempts to pick holes in his getting his cards nicked/ getting arrested also didn't succeed, now we're on to alcohol.

If the OP came back and said he'd never drank, this was a total one off, then the same posters would be on to him wasting the family money or something else.

People really just need to let this go! The OP posted for support because she was worried and scared and there was no one she could contact. She didn't post for her relationship to become subject to forensic analysis ffs! Let's just stop all this now. So some posters wouldn't be happy. Ok, up to you. I'm sure your DH does things I, or the OP, wouldn't be happy with. The OP hasn't asked you to comment on her relationship, so why are people still doing it? Because he has to be proven and found to be on the wrong, somehow.

[acasualobserver]

People really just need to let this go!

[LyndaNotLinda]

Velvet: If he'd come back after say an hour (including time to get the babysitters money) would the OP have been worried? Probably not. If you read her first post she says she thought he'd gone for a couple and only got worried once hours had passed and he didn't turn up.

Exactly. She wouldn't have been worried. And that's my point. It's not normal to decide to go for a couple of drinks on your own when you have no way of contacting your wife and she is expecting you to be back within 10 minutes.

If you think that's normal behaviour, you also have a skewed sense of what is acceptable within a relationship.

[VelvetSpoon]

Lynda it matters not whether it's normal for me, or you. What is normal anyway?

And the OP wasn't posting saying she was annoyed he'd gone for a drink. She was scared because 4.5 hours later he'd not come back (because as,we now know he'd been arrested).

She wasn't asking your opinion on whether going for a drink was good or bad. You don't think it's normal. Good for you. But if the OP thinks that's fine, it's not for you to impose your view or basically tell her she's wrong - you're not her mum!

[CotswoldStrife]

Velvet - the attempts to pick holes in his getting his cards nicked/ getting arrested also didn't succeed, now we're on to alcohol.

No, unfortunately the OP said

he has a history of getting loud and angry after a few drinks

So going off on his own to drink is not a good sign.

[RomeoIsBleeding]

It doesn't really matter how long he was gone for, or intended to be gone for, or any of it. It was the fact he just did it at all that is the issue.

I'm single at the moment, but I'm certainly not someone who 'keeps tabs' on my boyfriend/husband or whatever. My exh and I always told each other if we were going to go somewhere. And 'asked' in as much as, "I haven't forgotten anything have I?" or "me going out necessarily means you can't, is that going to be a problem?" sort of way.

But there is absolutely no way either of us would have just popped out for short time for a specified task and then just take it upon ourselves to go out drinking. And more than that, I can't imagine a scenario when either of us would have thought that was ok. You would know that the other person at home/the hotel would be worried about you if you were expected back after 30 mins or so.

That's just bonkers to me and tbh is probably what has led other people to make the wilder speculations because when something is so far out of your realm or 'normality', then anything becomes possible.

[ItShouldHaveBeenJess]

MNHQ. I really do think it's about time that fat lady sings....

[DecaffCoffeeAndRollupsPlease]

He's a horrible inconsiderate partner, an irresponsible and excessively drinking parent, and is either full of even more shit or is an angry drunk enough tot get himself arrested. That's bad enough isn't it? As others have said, what part of going off after supposedly just nipping down to pay the babysitter, without even telling your partner where you're going, isn't a LTB offence?

[coolaschmoola]

Velvet I bloody love you!

[JudyCoolibar]

As others have said, what part of going off after supposedly just nipping down to pay the babysitter, without even telling your partner where you're going, isn't a LTB offence

Seriously? People would say LTB because stupid mildly pissed man decides to go out for a couple more drinks?

Some people round here seem to be living in a different reality.

[acasualobserver]

stupid mildly pissed man decides to go out for a couple more drinks

Is that all that happened? How could something so trivial have invited 24 pages of comment?

[2rebecca]

It wasn't just going out for a few more drinks. It was a man who regularly gets aggressive when he drinks deciding to have enough extra drinks that he becomes incapable and aggressive enough to end up in a police cell and lose his debit card/ have it stolen and not consider his partner and kids.

[fastdaytears]

If the said mildly pissed man had said he'd be straight back from the cash machine and left me alone in a hotel room with no way of contacting him then I would indeed be considering LTB.

That may seem ridiculous but we all have different things that we're ok with or not.

[trafalgargal]

Once in a while my OH will walk into town on a Saturday and have a couple of pints before or after going to the supermarket. I don't expect him to ask my permission or tell me exactly where he is going. He's an adult. "I'm walking into town to pick up x or y for dinner" I don't need to know if he's planning to pop into the pub or pop in to see his Mum as well. He's gone out to run an errand.
If he was gone for hours and didn't let me know he was delayed I'd be annoyed but he isn't. I don't need to keep tabs on him. If he rolled back hours late and that had caused worry then it'd be tongue pie and cold shoulder ....but an extra half an hour to an hour . No big deal l'm not his keeper and he isn't mine .

Like the OP I'd start worrying after a reasonable time but I'd know something untoward had happened to him and wouldn't instantly assume he was shagging the checkout girl or the barmaid the way some posters assumed the OPs husband must be shagging the babysitter or was with a prostitute. That's just batshit insecure nuts reaction and says far more about the posters themselves.

[bibbitybobbityyhat]

Please please please stop picking this over unless and until op indicates that she wants to continue the discussion. This arguing among yourselves is pretty grim and isn't supporting the op in any way.

[NickiFury]

That's just batshit insecure nuts reaction and says far more about the posters themselves.

No it really Isn't and what it says about the posters, most of them anyway, is that they've had a different experience in their relationship than the nice, comfortable, trusting one you have in yours. The flip side of this could be me saying, how can YOU have a clue and have an informed opinion when you've never experienced such selfish and thoughtless behaviour? I have to say I often think some posters, not you particularly, haven't got the faintest idea how bad some relationships can be and how much some women will put up with in order to keep their relationship and family together because that's what they are used to or they have no support or are in no financial position to do anything but put up with it.

I've been on MN for nine years and I have always and still regularly think the above when I see some of the responses on threads like this. Until you've been in the head fuck of a relationship where men behave like this you'll never really get it.