To be angry that MIL may have indoctrinated my child?

[FruitCider]

I've been away for just under a week volunteering abroad and got home this morning. My mother in law (reverend) has been to stay with my partner whilst I went away. I'm completely atheist, partner is agnostic. MIL tried to give me a nativity set at Christmas for DD and a book full of bible stories, I declined and said I didn't want my daughter exposed to religion by people with a bias to a particular religion until she was 7/8.

I've come home today and my 3.5yo DD is continuously talking about Jesus, how God made the planet and told me I should thank god that my journey was safe. My partner says MIL had not mentioned religion when he was at home but he had to leave DD with MIL on Tuesday and Thursday whilst he went to work.

I'm absolutely RAGING! AIBU to be this angry? I literally want to banish MIL from my house and tell her she is not allowed contact with my DD for the foreseeable future.

Also is my DD likely to forget about God as she grows up if it's not mentioned again? Or is she now indoctrinated forever?

Sorry to those who may find this post offensive, I just wanted my DD to make her own mind up when she was old enough to understand that religion is a belief and there is no firm evidence for a God. She could have decided herself to be a Christian and I would have accepted that.

And what If they have a nativity? Will you ban her from taking part?

My point was, Christmas has not always been a Christian celebration so there is no need to involve nativity sets.

But you have a Christmas tree based on the fact that it originates in a non Christian religious practice, and by that token is okay by you?

Just say "yes darling that's what some people believe, mummy doesn't and daddy's on the fence"

That's basically what we did. DH and I are atheist but we were just matter-of-fact when DD came home talking about God. We left it to her to decide. She liked the idea of it for a while and then one day said she'd decided there isn't a God. This was while she was still in school. She's now 9, happens to be home ed, and definitely atheist, and is quite analytical about religion etc. Some of our home ed friends are very religious. Not an issue at all. Religion is everywhere, it's a part of culture whether you agree with it or not, so it is wise for children to know about it and understand it, IMHO.

What do you mean by unbiased OP?

Only presented by you?

I see your point and I completely agree with it, but if you will go leaving your small child for a whole week in the care of a vicar I'm not quite sure what else you expected.

I personally haven't mentioned Santa. However she knew about him last Christmas at 3 years old from nursery. I sort of breezed over it, I didn't collude but didn't deny he exists either.

I want my daughters exposure to religion to be unbiased.
Your childs exposure to religion is heavily biased! by you!
Christmas traditions based firmly in Christianity: not allowed
Christmas traditions based on paganism: A OK!

I can see why you're upset. But I wouldn't worry about it too much. The indoctrination is annoying and it might be worthwhile countering it by showing her some ridiculous faiths as a counterpoint. But she will soon grow out of it anyway.

Since she avoids trying to indoctrinate your DC in front of you or your DH then she can obviously do so when neither of you are there, so of course you can ask her not to talk to her about religion when you aren't there. But at the same time, if she didn't do this in front of the two of you she obviously knows you don't want her to.

I'd be more inclined to phrase it as a sort of telling off than a request not to repeat - along the lines of "I know you know we don't want you talking to DD in that way, but you did it anyway when we weren't around. You realise that makes it difficult for us to trust you around DD on your own don't you?" Because if you just phrase it as "Please don't talk to her about religion when we aren't around" she'll likely be looking for other ways to indoctrinate her instead. Make it clear you don't think this is a game. Whether this is an effective way to go really depends on the dynamic between you all though.

Christmas has not always been a Christian celebration

Strictly, CHRISTmas has always been a CHRISTian celebration.

You should be calling it Winter festival or solstice. And explaining why you don't do Christmas.
Not that I think atheists should do it. But if you're going to be so strict as to actively ignore all Christian aspects of it, then you should avoid the name too.

Just tell her it's a story, like any other.

I spent 7 years of infants and primary school having assembly twice a day (looking back I've no idea when we learned anything!) which always involved prayers etc. This was a state school in the 1990's.

By about 9 I was definitely of the "that's a nice story..." mindset.

She lives with you, it is you who will influence her most. Not her teachers, not her grandmother.

Which would be fine, if you were pagan but, you're presenting this as Athism when actually it's just anti-christian.

But you have a Christmas tree based on the fact that it originates in a non Christian religious practice, and by that token is okay by you?

Absolutely. I haven't put a tree in my house then told my DD that paganism is real. As far as DD (and myself) sees it, it's just a pretty tree. The nativity set would have allowed MIL to tell her version of Christmas.

YABU. Your daughter will not be indoctrinated by conversations with your MIL. Your daughter will be exposed to different points of view and that is a positive thing. Unless you plan to restrict her access to the television, books, school, friends etc then you will have no control over this. Exposure to different points of view helps build tolerance and that is something we should encourage. Your daughter will, as you say, make up her own mind but in order to do this she will need to be exposed to different schools of thought from various people, not just yourselves.

You are massively overreacting and that makes me feel sad. It sounds that your daughter has a potentially lovely relationship with your MIL and to even consider restricting that is an overreaction. It is Christianity, not devil worship.

You should be calling it Winter festival or solstice
These were also faith based celebrations, but OP'll be fine with that, y'know, cause it's not Christian

What do you mean by unbiased OP?Only presented by you?

Being as I have exposed her to places and people of all faiths, I mean unbiased towards one particular religion and having that religion presented as fact.

'The nativity set would have allowed MIL to tell her version of Christmas"

Yes, it would. A version your child will encounter.

Raise your child to question, don't just exclude the things you personally don't agree with.

The nativity set would have allowed MIL to tell her version of Christmas.
So? Isn't she well placed as a Reverend to explain her beliefs

Just like my DD's muslim friends are the best people to explain their holidays to them

I'm not, I'm an athiest, so I'm best placed to explain my athiest beliefs

THAT OP, is balance!

She wasn't indoctrinated, she was given information about the very basis of her grandmother's existence. Try to consider that your daughter's grandmother loves her and feels that has a right to know so she can make an informed choice for herself when is older.

You can't marry into a family where FIL is a preacher and MIL is a reverend without expecting some injection of bible stories and talk about God. I think you are being massively unrealistic.

I home educate but this is not because I want protect my children from differing points of view. I go out of my way expose them to the views of friends and neighbours who have faiths and backgrounds utterly dissimilar to mine. My Muslim friend tells them (tactfully) how firmly she believes, and they see her children being raised with this. I disagree with her on many points of theology, but I am so grateful for her influence in my children's lives, as they can see her religion as a real thing that informs her whole life, they understand how devout she is, and they respect it.

I m wading in half way through so apologies for this.
I think a generic " some people believe ,." And an insight into religions is ok. For example- " granny believes ..."
Personally I think if you're too opposed you could send them in the very direction you didn't mean to...
But I do understand how frustrated you must feel to come home to a "pre programmed " child.
it will pass. After all- the children grow up and choose . All be it an influenced choice. ultimately the main carer will have an enormous influence.

Are you in the UK? Are there secular state schools? I was under the impression there was not.

Has anyone nominated this for Classics yet ?

Nursery will absolutely be doing nativity stuff at Christmas.
You'd better get your complaint in now.

So? Isn't she well placed as a Reverend to explain her beliefs

The problem is my MIL doesn't see it as belief. She says its factual. She says there is proof that the world is only 6000 years old and that everything was created by intelligent design. She is unable to give a balanced view as she does not see her faith as being a belief.

DD: Mummy, God made the world
Fruitcider: Well, some people like Grandma believe that. Scientists and a lot of other people believe XYZ

Voila. Un-indoctrinated.