To be angry that MIL may have indoctrinated my child?

[FruitCider]

I've been away for just under a week volunteering abroad and got home this morning. My mother in law (reverend) has been to stay with my partner whilst I went away. I'm completely atheist, partner is agnostic. MIL tried to give me a nativity set at Christmas for DD and a book full of bible stories, I declined and said I didn't want my daughter exposed to religion by people with a bias to a particular religion until she was 7/8.

I've come home today and my 3.5yo DD is continuously talking about Jesus, how God made the planet and told me I should thank god that my journey was safe. My partner says MIL had not mentioned religion when he was at home but he had to leave DD with MIL on Tuesday and Thursday whilst he went to work.

I'm absolutely RAGING! AIBU to be this angry? I literally want to banish MIL from my house and tell her she is not allowed contact with my DD for the foreseeable future.

Also is my DD likely to forget about God as she grows up if it's not mentioned again? Or is she now indoctrinated forever?

Sorry to those who may find this post offensive, I just wanted my DD to make her own mind up when she was old enough to understand that religion is a belief and there is no firm evidence for a God. She could have decided herself to be a Christian and I would have accepted that.

She didn't, no. She just came down when DD was born. I have tried to be the better person and put it to one side but this thread has made me realise that I still have a lot of anger towards her!

Your Mil does sound bonkers but to describe God as an imaginary friend is wrong on so many levels.

all you need to clean tea stains out of cups is to rub a bit of salt in, then rinse off

works like magic

btw though I can understand your frustration with your MIL (who sounds horrible in many ways) I think you do have to be aware that your dd will soon be exposed to all sorts of different influences and will have to make her own independent choice as to her world view

I was brought up in a non-religious family where it was considered very bad form to speak of religion or anything similar. Noone ever tried to indoctrinate me. I decided I was a Christian around the age of 8 or thereabouts. Am still a Christian at 50+. Nothing my parents could do about it. We get on well in a spirit of mutual tolerance.

My children are atheists. I have never tried to stop them being exposed to atheist influences.

I'm not surprised at your anger.

Sadly, because of that anger and the scant information your OP sounded unreasonable.

I really think you should talk about her in depth with your partner.
You need a joint, concerted, approach that addresses her behaviour overall and prevents her from making decisions such as getting her own coach ticket and not leaving you an option.
Also in relation to other ILs, that if you ask them something, there's a reason and you will not accept anyone else.
Always have a backup plan.
Your OH does need to be on board, though, and stand up for himself and you.

I would indeed be weary of leaving my child with her unsupervised.

I wouldn't ban her from our lives (not yet), but I'd make sure I'd monitor contact, yes. Not only for how she presents religion but everything else.

PS- I'd hide the mug at the back of the cupboard or so high up that she'd need a step to reach it. I'd hate to use it every day and risk breaking it.

My mil suggested I get Ds Christened 'just in case', didn't understand why I laughed at how this would work as a precaution because obviously none of the other faiths I also didn't believe in were real...
Ds wasn't Christened.
Mil didn't bring it up again.

When Ds was 6 he told us we were going to Hell because we didn't go to church, according to his classmate. We put him straight and finished dinner.

I don't want religion in our lives but it does seem difficult to avoid

I'd be annoyed she went behind your back.

Talk to your daughter about anything other than 'God' she'll soon pick a new topic.

How about santa? Santa is awesome

Tell your MIL to keep her mental illness to herself!

dance why is describing the Christian god as "imaginary friend" "wrong on so many levels"? It might be rude, but why is it wrong?

Hetmione If its not wrong then it should be equally not wrong to say as in ops mil, that God exists. Fair enough if people don't believe, but what right has a parent to say God is imaginary. Surely that is for the child to decide when he/she is older. Nobody can say with absolute certainty that God does not exist, therefore it's wrong to pass this belief on their child, especially if that child is growing up in a Christian country.

I'd be equally fuming like the op if someone said to my child that God is imaginary.

I am amazed you have any contact with her at all, she sounds vile. This woman is a reverend?! Awful. She wouldn't be coming any where near my child with those poisonous racist views, religion aside! I think you have a MIL issue not a religious one. Has your DH supported you in this? I'm amazed she was allowed to return to your house after calling you a whore. You are a bigger woman than me for working through that!

Nobody can say with absolute certainty that God does not exist, therefore it's wrong to pass this belief on their child,

I think it is helpful to consider it using critical thinking, ie:

“Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent.
Is he able, but not willing? Then he is malevolent.
Is he both able and willing? Then whence cometh evil?
Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God?”

― Epicurus

Born: February 341 BC, Samos, Greece
Died: 270 BC, Athens, Greece

As for especially if that child is growing up in a Christian country.

The U.K. is no longer a Christian country. Hopefully secular law changes will follow soon.

www.spectator.co.uk/2016/05/britain-really-is-ceasing-to-be-a-christian-country/

Our DC are brought up without religion and we stress that any religious reading etc at school is a story and should be thought of as such. They can both choose what they want to believe and know to respect others' beliefs.

I was brought up in a strongly Christian family. My parents weren't much but my grandparents were and I spent a lot of time with them.

My school was A proper C of E with full on service assemblies every day

I was a staunch Baptist, youth club, Sunday schools, camps until I was 14 and I made up my own mind. I am now atheist.

What I am trying to say is that at 3.5 your daughter believes in God as much, as fairies, Santa and that her dolls have a life of thier own. Religios stories are a good way for children to find some sense in the world. They don't mean anything more than the Gruffalo does

YANBU. I am respectful of other people's religious views but do not believe myself and expect that to be respected too.

I would be very disappointed if I were you and I think your MIL has behaved badly. It's disrespectful and undermining of her.

That said, I had a v difficult relationship with my MIL for ages. She's an extremely difficult (and coincidentally, religious) woman. However, there came a point when I realised not letting go of some of the awful things she had said and done just made life v v hard for DP. I tried really hard to put it behind me and now we actually get on quite well.

My DD is 5 and at particularly religious items such as Easter and Xmas will ask me about Jesus etc but I always reply that that's what some people believe but that I'm not sure. Just seems a bit more gentle than dismissing it out of hand!

Well she's not making her mind up your doing that for her by not letting her explore other views on religion and life. Just because you don't believe dose not give you the right to narrow your daughters world. I understand you want her to make up her own mind and not be brained washed. I grew up in a family where my nan and mum both attended church and believed very much and I don't. I grew up with Sunday school, bible stories the works. But I made my own mind up when I was old enough to know what I believed in.

I feel your anger I consider myself pagan with a Christian background. I have never mentioned God to my Ds and unless he wants to make an informed decision at a later age. I willl keep religion out of our family life. However my fucking fil (a total twunt in his own right) had decided to teach him about his twisted version of God (Jehovah witness) so now Ds keeps telling me our blood is pure and we can never contaminate it. (Bullshit) and other gems like that. Hell yeah I'd be fucking furious.

"An imaginary friend" is the best way I can find to describe God. It is not rude, I can think of far ruder ways to describe anything related to religion. Probably kinder than calling it a delusion.

If God existed and was all-powerful and all-seeing, I bet s/he would not give a fig what an atheist called him/her.

And it is much more legitimate to believe that something does not exist when there is no trace of evidence, than believing that it does.

I am personally absolutely sure there is no god/gods, I have no doubt whatsoever.

Both my grandmothers were religious, one was a very staunch Methodist. Both "introduced" me to God at about 5 or 6, the Methodist gran was more fire and brimstone. My parents were not atheists but were not religious, I remember asking my mum if God was real and she just said "nobody knows". I was also friends with a Catholic girl, this is in the 70s, whose family were very religious, crosses round the house, etc. I do remember being able to question the idea of God and different religion/branches of Christianity at an early age.

The woman has NO respect for you at all. You've tried to be 'the bigger person', she's shat all over that. I'd tell her she's no longer welcome in my home & if DH wants to see her he goes alone. Life is too short to be bullied & sidelined in your own home.

I'm athiest, but it's not the God Bothering that I'd have a problem with, it's the rest of her behaviour & the fact she did that to/with DD despite knowing how you feel, irrespective of what it was about.

just read all the other stuff you've written about her !!
I know it's such a clique to not get on with one's mother in law.. my husband used to allude to it often. I haven't seen or spoken to mine in four wonderful years !
I totally admire you for being outspoken and not letting her walk all over you (in previous altercations you've described), I was still fairly young when we had the Ultimate blow up causing the current four year rift- i never had the guts to speak up, and she was a horrible cow! I appreciate that you have tried to keep the peace since the birth of your child, which is also very admirable, but from my experience if you dont talk openly about the things you feel she has done to make you mad then it will fester and you may come across as petty to your OH when/if you make comments about the 'little things', as opposed to the bigger things (like teaching your child about religion when she specifically knows you dont want that).
Perhaps an email would be a good idea ? So you can re -read it before sending and include the important points.

By the by ur MIL's racist , shitty personality is one of the reasons myself and so many others are turned off by religion, when it is used as a smokescreen to hide horribleness behind 'look at me im great , talking about giving to the poor and turning the other cheek, but i hate the refugees and its fine to refer to my DIL as a whore' !!

I am not overly religious but I think you are BU. You don't know for certain that there isn't a God and it says in the bible that only people with faith will go to heaven so why not let your child hear about God and then let them make up their own minds when they are older.

She is only 3 to her it is probably just a new story she has been told, she's probably a bit young to become religious in any form. I have the same views as you but I was raised Christian and went to Sunday school every Week. I managed to still make my own mind up different to that. Your daughter will too, especially as you have different views to your MIL, she will learn quickly that there is not just one thing to believe, but that she can choose. And no doubt she will learn the Christian story her first Christmas in school anyway?

I do think it was very out of line however for your MIL to take the opportunity of your absence to do what she did. Something needs to be said to put her in her place xx

The God of the bible isn't the only proposal though. So if they hear about that God it's only fair they hear about all the others too, right? They should all get equal airplay alongside "there is no God".

Damn autocorrect capitalising god.

ou don't know for certain that there isn't a God and it says in the bible that only people with faith will go to heaven so why not let your child hear about God and then let them make up their own minds when they are older.

There is no evidence that God exists. Until I come across some, I will continue to say that there is no God. It's not that I believe is there a God - I do not believe in any Gods. That is the subtle difference between an agnostic atheist and a gnostic atheist. My lack of belief (for now) is fixed.

Going back to my DD, she hears about Gods. I've spoken to her about the abrahamic religions, my friend who is a Muslim has spoken to her about her God and what she believes, my FIL has spoken about what he believes ( baptist), I've taken her to visit a cathedral, a mosque, and a Buddhist centre. At Christmas I explained the history of Christmas to her, ditto with Easter, at Ramadan my friend explained why she was fasting. It's not that she doesn't have exposure to religion - she just doesn't have biased exposure to prevent her from being indoctrinated. Of course I want her to grow up tolerant of all faiths. But that's NOT what MIL was trying to do I feel. My DD has gone from being very neutral yet aware to being fixated on Jesus overnight!

Well, I have no religious opinions one way or the other, but your child would naturally be exposed to the concept of Jesus and God when she goes to school! However, your mil knew you didn't want this to happen yet, so a little chat about what you will and won't accept in your child's life, would be in order. But to ban her from seeing her grandchild is a bit heavy, besides what will you do next time you need a baby sitter?