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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

about my mil?

63 replies

rainydaze09 · 13/08/2016 16:33

Before he met me, dh lived with mil. She sold her home and this provided the deposit, and he then got a mortgage. as a result, she lives with us.

mil is basically a good person but she has some habits that are hard to bear, she is very overweight, morbidly obese really, and she now can't do much for herself at all. She showers once a week and that's it. This means her bedroom and the landing it's on are very smelly.

Also because of her size she needs a lot doing for her and it's never enough, but what bothers me is how she speaks about me. just now I made her a cup of tea and she asked for it without much milk and then I gave it to her and she gave this massive sigh and said "i don't understand her, oh, I don't understand her!" and then started complaining about the tea. I made her another one but was a bit short. she's just complained to dh that I was really rude to her!

I think she was the rude one, AIBU?

OP posts:
Discobabe · 13/08/2016 16:38

Surely she's not so overweight she can't make herself a cuppa?

Original poster
rainydaze09 · 13/08/2016 16:52

She's not very mobile. I think she could do more for herself generally but it's hard to say as she thinks she can't!

OP posts:
Littlepeople12345 · 13/08/2016 16:53

What did your DH say to her?

RebelRogue · 13/08/2016 16:54

Did your oh buy the house before or after you moved in?

RebelRogue · 13/08/2016 16:54

Before or after he met you i mean

omri · 13/08/2016 16:57

How does your dh respond when she says things like that? It sounds like she is very rude to you so yanbu. If anyone makes me a cup of tea I say thank you - not ugh you made it wrong- that's just v bad manners

Missgraeme · 13/08/2016 17:03

So are u and him her carers or is it gonna end up that way? If that's the case u need some ground rules coz I would not be tending to someone so ungrateful!

Penfold007 · 13/08/2016 17:04

If your MIL's obesity is impacting on her ability to cope with personal care and hygiene etc she would benefit from an assessment under the care act. She may find that a formal care package would help her, a formal carer would be able to help her with personal care and encourage her to become more independent. What does your H say?

Original poster
rainydaze09 · 13/08/2016 17:07

She does have carers in the morning to help and at night, but I'm not sure she's more independent for it!

DH bought the house before he met me. this is why she lives here.

OP posts:
mrsfuzzy · 13/08/2016 17:11

how old is she ? miss mentioned you might become carers that could be some under taking, the obesity issues needs addressing though, shouldn't be an excuse unless she is disabled to the point she can't do anything for her self [ though thinking para olympic contestants are awesome inspite of their conditions- sorry waffling].

RebelRogue · 13/08/2016 17:12

Then you live with them,not her with you. Without her oh wouldn't have a house,and depending on (both) of your finances neither would you as a couple. So you have to take care of her in her old age and she's an overweight,grumpy,smelly old woman. Shit happens. You could always sell the house,give her deposit back and all of you start fresh.

omri · 13/08/2016 17:12

Is the rudeness a commonplace thing? Your DH should have a firm word with her. Do you think she resents you moving in and to an extent taking some of her son's attention away from her?

Mollymoo78 · 13/08/2016 17:15

I think you're in a difficult position - by taking on dh you've had to take on being a carer for your mil. It sounds as though you could both do with some support really. It's a shame dh has never had true independence and you've not had a home on your own together. Yes you owe our mil gratitude to an extent - I do worry about your sanity and possible resentments growing if the stress of having in your home get too much. You don't mention whether you have children but if you intend to have them, the current set up may cause you lots of problems. Definitely look into possible sources of support.

Original poster
rainydaze09 · 13/08/2016 17:16

not quite rebel, it's my house too as I paid the mortgage off Hmm

Basically, not that it's really anything to do with it, but dh had a flat and his mum had a small house. He is older than me and I think thought he would be a bachelor. Meanwhile, his mum was struggling in a small terrace so she sold it and he sold his flat and they bought a larger house for the two of them.

I'm just explaining this so people understand why she lives here. No problem with that, it's her home, it's just she doesn't always make life very nice for either of us. She is 75.

OP posts:
Original poster
rainydaze09 · 13/08/2016 17:17

Yes omri I do think that. Definitely.

I'm pregnant at the moment which is why I find the smell so difficult.

OP posts:
Willyorwonte · 13/08/2016 17:22

Yanbu to expect her to be civil.
I don't think it's your dh job to tell her so, put your big girl pants on and tell her, she's rude and you don't make tea fo rude people.

omri · 13/08/2016 17:23

Oh rainy I couldn't stand any smells when pregnant- I would literally gag- so I reeeeally feel your pain. That's v difficult for you.

Penfold007 · 13/08/2016 17:27

Sorry my carers suggestion wasn't any help.

Original poster
rainydaze09 · 13/08/2016 17:30

the smell is pretty bad! She does have carers.

OP posts:
wtfdidijustwatch · 13/08/2016 17:31

Who does the bulk of the food shopping and cooking?
If it's mainly you, then why not gradually introduce her to healthy meals.
It will at least help with the obesity side of things.
If she loses weight, she will become more mobile and it would possibly improve her moods.

If she starts moaning that she wants fatty food, tell her she has to get off her arse and buy it and cook it herself.
she sounds a bit lazy, so that won't happen.

You have the potential to call most of the shots in this situation.
Don't let her bully you.

wtfdidijustwatch · 13/08/2016 17:34

In your OP you don't say anything about her being disabled, only that she's obese.
Yet she has carers?
Why does she have carers if her main problem is being fat? I thought carers were for disability and illness.

Or Am I missing something here? Confused

Original poster
rainydaze09 · 13/08/2016 17:34

she's 75, not 7.5!

She goes to bed at 6 and just sits with snacks, mainly crisps and biscuits, and eats until midnight. Her meals aren't bad but she rarely stops eating outside them. for instance she has fruit for breakfast then will have a cup of tea and a whole packet of biscuits!

OP posts:
Original poster
rainydaze09 · 13/08/2016 17:35

she has carers to assist her showering although she only does it once a week, dressing, and undressing, and getting to and from bed.

OP posts:
bluebeck · 13/08/2016 17:36

Surely you knew what you were getting into when you married DH and agreed to pay off their mortgage and move in with them?

No way would I live like this, especially as you are about to have a baby. However, you apparently agreed to it (unless MIL suddenly became obese, rude and stinky) so I don't think it's fair to complain to Dh about it now. It looks like you've got what you signed up for.

Mishegoss · 13/08/2016 17:37

Who is buying the junk food? :/ doesn't sound like she's going shopping herself.