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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

about my mil?

63 replies

rainydaze09 · 13/08/2016 16:33

Before he met me, dh lived with mil. She sold her home and this provided the deposit, and he then got a mortgage. as a result, she lives with us.

mil is basically a good person but she has some habits that are hard to bear, she is very overweight, morbidly obese really, and she now can't do much for herself at all. She showers once a week and that's it. This means her bedroom and the landing it's on are very smelly.

Also because of her size she needs a lot doing for her and it's never enough, but what bothers me is how she speaks about me. just now I made her a cup of tea and she asked for it without much milk and then I gave it to her and she gave this massive sigh and said "i don't understand her, oh, I don't understand her!" and then started complaining about the tea. I made her another one but was a bit short. she's just complained to dh that I was really rude to her!

I think she was the rude one, AIBU?

OP posts:

Whocansay · 13/08/2016 18:14

She is very rude. I suggest you treat her in kind and see if you can shock her into civility, as she won't like getting it back. She clearly thinks her behaviour is acceptable. And if you're pregnant, soon you are going to have bigger responsibilities.

This sounds like an horrific situation to bring a child into to be honest. I take it sheltered accommodation or residential care for her is out of the question?

Original poster

rainydaze09 · 13/08/2016 18:15

why horrific?

She wouldn't move into residential or sheltered care.

OP posts:

Whocansay · 13/08/2016 18:19

From my point of view. I found early days with my first very difficult, and having someone else there that expected care I would have found impossible. But that was me, to be fair. Other women have better experiences!

queenMab99 · 13/08/2016 18:20

If she has carers to help in the morning, could you suggest that her careplan is adjusted so that they help her have a shower every day or every other day at least. Also that the bed is changed regularly etc. 75 is not that old, can your DP talk to her, If she has no dementia or other issues, perhaps she is depressed, making her bad tempered. May be if you take one issue at a time, The hygiene, the grumpiness, and the overeating, it can be sorted, eventually.

Whocansay · 13/08/2016 18:20

I have also assumed this is your first baby! Apologies if I've misunderstood!

Original poster

rainydaze09 · 13/08/2016 18:21

she won't shower, we can't force her if they ask and she says no, I don't want a shower.

OP posts:

MissMargie · 13/08/2016 18:21

She needs to get out if that is at all possible. Community centre/ WI / Church anything to get her a life.

MrsGsnow's suggestions to get her involved is prob your best hope. Does she have baby pics of DH? What did he like when he was little? She will be able to hold baby and rock a cradle, that might be more useful than you think once baby is here taking up all your time.

sleeponeday · 13/08/2016 18:24

You sound a saint, OP. I couldn't do it.

In terms of morbid obesity being self-inflicted and not a true disability, however... fair enough, if that's the same attitude you have towards anorexia. But in my experience people are immensely sympathetic towards anorexics and scathingly contemptuous towards morbidly and disablingly obese people, and I do think it's a bit odd. Both conditions are surely psychiatric in the sense that people are compulsively destroying their own health via disordered eating?

sleeponeday · 13/08/2016 18:26

Sorry, last para not aimed at you, OP. It's just something I've wondered, having seen it a lot in life and on here.

happypoobum · 13/08/2016 18:26

OK, so she has deteriorated, but you must have forseen that? She wasn't going to get better as she aged was she?

I do sympathise that it must be an awful way for you to live, I wouldn't do it at all, but it still looks like you chose this life. And now you are bringing a baby into it.

I would probably move out for a while and consider whether living separately worked better for me and my baby.

Marmaduchess · 13/08/2016 18:33

Whats the ownership situation with the house, whose names is it registered in and could you sell and move to your own smaller place and MIL into sheltered?
The fact that a baby is on the way is a valid excuse to do this without the MIL being bitterly hurt (although shh probably wont actually like it)

wtfdidijustwatch · 13/08/2016 18:51

"If she starts moaning that she wants fatty food, tell her she has to get off her arse and buy it and cook it herself.
she sounds a bit lazy, so that won't happen.
You have the potential to call most of the shots in this situation.""

Don't start bullying and verbally abusing an elderly disabled woman that you chose to share a house with. If you do, hopefully she would inform her Carers

^For a start, she's not that elderly.
Also, is it OK for this woman to bully the OP?
Also, how is encouraging this woman to eat healthily in any form or shape classed as 'bullying?'^

wtfdidijustwatch · 13/08/2016 18:53

I would be concerned about the welfare of your child when he or she arrives.
You will more than likely spend most of your time trying to keep your child quiet and out of her way.

That's no kind of childhood.

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