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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

about my mil?

63 replies

rainydaze09 · 13/08/2016 16:33

Before he met me, dh lived with mil. She sold her home and this provided the deposit, and he then got a mortgage. as a result, she lives with us.

mil is basically a good person but she has some habits that are hard to bear, she is very overweight, morbidly obese really, and she now can't do much for herself at all. She showers once a week and that's it. This means her bedroom and the landing it's on are very smelly.

Also because of her size she needs a lot doing for her and it's never enough, but what bothers me is how she speaks about me. just now I made her a cup of tea and she asked for it without much milk and then I gave it to her and she gave this massive sigh and said "i don't understand her, oh, I don't understand her!" and then started complaining about the tea. I made her another one but was a bit short. she's just complained to dh that I was really rude to her!

I think she was the rude one, AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
rainydaze09 · 13/08/2016 17:37

it's the rudeness really. Mil used to be able to do more for herself. As I say she is at heart a good person but her habits which used to just impact on her are now impacting on us all.

OP posts:
mrsfuzzy · 13/08/2016 17:38

wtf that seems like good advice for op, her moods are probably unsettled because she has become reliant on others and possibly resents op for 'breaking up ' the happy twosome i.e mum and bachelor son. how very dare you op !

Original poster
rainydaze09 · 13/08/2016 17:38

she buys it Mishegoss, if you're trying to suggest the "blame" lies with me and DH for buying it don't bother :)

OP posts:
Mishegoss · 13/08/2016 17:39

Im not trying to "blame" anyone but normally when someone has got themselves in that state there us someone behind it enabling them, relatives, carers etc. If she can get to the shops herself then I'd be insisting she does more for herself.

Original poster
rainydaze09 · 13/08/2016 17:40

she has a 2 hour call once a week where carers take her shopping.

OP posts:
wtfdidijustwatch · 13/08/2016 17:40

I'm a bit disgusted that a person is able to access funds for carers, purely for being overweight.
I always thought care packages were meant to help people with genuine (through no fault of their own) disabilities and chronic illness.
Not people who have made bad life style choices.
No wonder there's never any money left for the people who really need it.

Time to leave this thread. I will only say something I shouldn't.

Good luck OP, with your situation and your pregnancy.

Original poster
rainydaze09 · 13/08/2016 17:41

say what you like wtf but I don't make the rules, do I? She pays privately for carers to come and she is disabled although conceded its through obesity really.

OP posts:
Mishegoss · 13/08/2016 17:42

Okay that makes sense. The carers aren't really in a position to tell her what to buy either. I'm really not blaming you rainydaze, if anything I really sympathise. My own mother is only 59 but I see this in my future and it's frightening. Unfortunately my dad is the one enabling her behaviour and it's been so long it's proving difficult to convince him to stop.

wtfdidijustwatch · 13/08/2016 17:44

Oh ok.
It's a bit of a chicken and egg situation.
Which came first, the obesity or the disability?

Has she become disabled as a result of being obese?
Seems to be more of that happening than ever!

Or is it the other way around? (which I have more sympathy for) as it can't be helped. If a person is disabled to the point they can't exercise, then they will become overweight and they deserve all the care out there.

Original poster
rainydaze09 · 13/08/2016 17:46

okay but mils position isn't anything to do with me.

OP posts:
happypoobum · 13/08/2016 17:49

her habits which used to just impact on her are now impacting on us all. but that is only because you have moved in with her!!!!

How long did you know DH before you married and moved in with him? Long enough to realise what your life would be like living with MIL surely?

I agree with bluebeck - this is what you signed up for knowingly from what you have posted.

Birdsgottafly · 13/08/2016 17:52

""If she starts moaning that she wants fatty food, tell her she has to get off her arse and buy it and cook it herself.
she sounds a bit lazy, so that won't happen.
You have the potential to call most of the shots in this situation.""

Don't start bullying and verbally abusing an elderly disabled woman that you chose to share a house with. If you do, hopefully she would inform her Carers, who can involve SS for the Elderly.

Her being Obese and living like she does, doesn't change on your say so. You moved in and became pregnant knowing all of this.

You can decide on what you do for her, if she needs extra Care, then she can be teased by SS and it can be provided.

Her Son really should have put more thought into whether he wanted a family.

Her Care needs are going to increase and you need to speak to your DP.

Living with a toddler could impact on her health and you may all need to rethink things, anyway, depending on how big the house is.

LostSight · 13/08/2016 17:52

Sounds awful OP. No helpful suggestions, but you have my sympathy. I think anyone who allows themselves to become that obese has psychological issues of some sort. How is your DP responding? Is he backing you up?

Rubies12345 · 13/08/2016 17:54

My neighbour has just gone into assisted living. It's her own flat not a home, she's quite happy there. This might be something to consider.

You need to buy her out this house, you are mortgage free, release some equity. This situation can't go on, it sounds very stressful for a pregnant lady.

Original poster
rainydaze09 · 13/08/2016 17:56

thank you :)

the thing is that if I had married dh and insisted on us having a new home, apart from mil (and he would have) it would have been a bit mean. it would have taken away her support and company and forced him to 'choose.'

Mil didn't used to be too bad but over the last six months she's become increasingly difficult, there's the hygiene issue and the fact she just nitpicks at me all the time. Like I will go in the kitchen and make a cup of tea and then she will shout something through I won't hear and say "sorry?" and she hufs and puffs and looks all offended Hmm

the obesity thing, well its her choice but I refute dh or I take any blame or enable that.

OP posts:
DangerousBeanz · 13/08/2016 17:58

I think wtf has a point.

If her obesity is causing her to be immobile then you are in a great position to help with that problem by introducing stealth healthy eating. This would also help her with her personal care, although the carers should be helping her bathe/shower/wash daily anyway.

There is no reason for her to be rude. The mumanet classic, "did you mean to be do rude? " might be needed. And if she doesn't like the brew you make let her make her own.

Good luck with this. I had my own DM move in wirh us for a while and she turned into an unreasonable demanding old bugger within hours of moving in. It was bloody hard work and soul destroying after a while as nothing seemed to be good enough.

Original poster
rainydaze09 · 13/08/2016 18:00

dangerous, like I say meals aren't a problem its more the fact she eats non stop between them.

OP posts:
Toffeelatteplease · 13/08/2016 18:01

I'm assuming the house is definitely in joint names and not your mother in laws

DangerousBeanz · 13/08/2016 18:02

Sorry cross post, didn't see that she gets to the shops to buy her self a crap stash.

Could you hide it? ?? (Joke)

TinklyLittleLaugh · 13/08/2016 18:04

I think you can ask for her carers to help her shower more often, once a week is not enough. It's not for you to impose a different diet on her though (I'm sure you realise that).

Do you think your pregnancy is making her anxious? Could she be worried that you will have less time for her, possibly even ditch her? Would giving her a bit of reassurance help? You sound very caring by the way OP.

mrsfuzzy · 13/08/2016 18:05

bird op didn't say about mil wanting fatty food and that she should get off her fat arse, another poster did, rainy does not appear to have said anything that could be regarded as bullying, don't put words in her mouth.

MrsGsnow18 · 13/08/2016 18:08

I'm sorry OP that your in this situation whilst pregnant Flowers
I'm going to guess that your MIL has no daughters?
Sort of minds me of my late Gran and the situation between her and my mother. She was always so rude to my mother who couldn't do enough to help her, but I think it was because my mother had taken her precious son away etc etc.

I can't really help with the smell, sorry! But maybe you could try get your MIL involved in some way with baby planning etc? Make her feel wanted/needed in some sort of way might make her feel a bit more pleasant?
Can she knit? You could ask her to knit you a baby blanket?

Original poster
rainydaze09 · 13/08/2016 18:08

mil won't shower any more than once a week, she has a bit of a wash other days

OP posts:
MrsGsnow18 · 13/08/2016 18:08

Sorry not make her feel pleasant but make her be more pleasant*

MadamDeathstare · 13/08/2016 18:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.