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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want in laws to visit new baby at the hospital?

72 replies

marchmontmum · 12/08/2016 19:14

Hi,
My in-laws haven't spoken to me in 3.5 years. No real fallout, they just turned up at Ds2s 3rd birthday and decided they didn't want to see me anymore. We didn't have the best relationship but I would say we tolerated each other for dhs sake. I'm now pg with number 3 and I suggested to my dh that he finds out from them whether they wanted to make up for the babies sake or accept that they probably wouldn't see their new grandchild for a few months as I would be breastfeeding (they live about 20 mins away). They told dh that they would have to think about it. Well, today, with 7 weeks til due date, he told me that they would like to come and visit while we are in the hospital (very high chance of me having a c section so will be in for 3 days) no mention of speaking beforehand or anything. AIBU to be annoyed at this? I know it's their grandchild but they have behaved so badly about the whole thing that I really don't want them coming in after I've had surgery when there has been no effort for 3.5 years! Help?! Xx

OP posts:

sonlypuppyfat · 12/08/2016 19:16

No, your in hospital recuperating. No one should be coming in who upsets you

DerelictMyBalls · 12/08/2016 19:19

YANBU! What on earth is their problem?

EveOnline2016 · 12/08/2016 19:20

What's the back story.

Cutting someone off is extreme

rumblingDMexploitingbstds · 12/08/2016 19:20

Under the circumstances, YANBU

Likely to be quite stressful meeting for you, I'd say it's perfectly fair for this to be when you're feeling together and ready for it, which is likely to be some weeks after the birth. This is not a visit that's going to be good for you or the baby when you've just had a C section, are feeling fragile, hormonal and all the rest of it, particularly if they end up upsetting you.

Nice they want to visit and see the baby. But no, not in hospital. You'll let them know when you're home and ready for visitors and dh can take it from there.

TypicallyEnglishMustard · 12/08/2016 19:22

No, they shouldn't be visiting you in hospital. Because you are a patient there, alongside your baby. You deserve to recover in peace.

At home with the support of your DH could be a different matter.

rumblingDMexploitingbstds · 12/08/2016 19:23

Unless another possible option for you is that dh takes the baby and does the visit somewhere else in a galaxy far far away another part of the hospital where you don't have to have anything do with it?

Mishegoss · 12/08/2016 19:25

I'll admit I did a little eyeroll at the title as we know how these tend to to but in your circumstances you're absolutely not being unreasonable. It's a really inappropriate setting to see someone for the first time in 3 years! Say no, they may visit when you're home if they want to.

DeathStare · 12/08/2016 19:25

You say there was no real fallout... if that's true and you just drifted apart then you are being a bit unreasonable (though you're allowed to be - you're the patient)

But I don't think that's the real story is it? Something happened. And I think whatever it was that happened is what influences whether YABU or not.

AnnaMarlowe · 12/08/2016 19:28

On the basis of what you've said YANBU but surely there must be more back story than that?

GiddyOnZackHunt · 12/08/2016 19:28

I don't think they should be allowed near you when you're in hospital, no. Whether DH could meet them for 10 minutes off ward I don't know. If not they'll have to wait until a suitable plan can be made.

TheSkyAtNight · 12/08/2016 19:33

YANBU - supportive people close to you get to visit in hospital, no one else.

Caken · 12/08/2016 19:33

No chance. I wouldn't even have offered them to see DC3. I think there must be more to it than them just deciding on a whim not to see or speak to you any more, but if that's all there is to it then I'd go NC and not look back.

PovertyPain · 12/08/2016 19:33

No way in hell would I let them near my child. If they want to see your baby, they need to step up now. You're not a breeding cow that's merely there to present them with a grandchild.

davos · 12/08/2016 19:34

So they cut you off for no reason but your dh still speaks to them?

I really suspect there is more to this so it hard to respond.

DeadGood · 12/08/2016 19:34

"They told dh that they would have to think about it."

These people are not normal.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 12/08/2016 19:36

If you want to make amends with your in laws, can you write, email or phone them yourself? You can then explain your refusal for their hospital visit and propose something else? It must be difficult to have to communicate through your dh.

It does strike me as odd that they haven't shown an interest in your other 2dcs for over three years but are keen to meet the new baby. Would your other children not pick up on the unfairness of that?

Original poster

marchmontmum · 12/08/2016 19:36

No real back story, we just have never really gotten on and mil used to say really mean things to me ("even marchmontmum went to uni so it can't be that hard" "I wish Dh had stayed with an old girlfriend as she was nice (a girlfriend from when he was 17!)" She used to call the house to ask if DH wanted to go round for dinner and one Christmas she gave me dog biscuits as a present?!) I am not innocent as I find it really hard to bite my tongue and have answered back a few times, as I say, it's just a difficult relationship.

I want them to have a relationship with the children but they make very little effort, I would say they see them3 or 4 times year and the fact it took them 6 months to decide whether they even wanted to see new baby has pee'd me off I'll admit. DH doesn't see a problem with them coming to hospital as that's what they did with our other Dcs. But I feel they should have made an effort towards me earlier if that's what they wanted. I don't know what to do!

OP posts:

Huldra · 12/08/2016 19:37

Well the advantage of the visiting in hospital is that you can keep it short and sweet.

It will be a public building so things are more likely to be polite.
There is no danger of them staying for a third coffee and waiting for cake to appear.
They have to keep to visiting hours and you can enlist help of the staff if it's too much.
You have the very real excuse that you have just had surgery, leave it 2 weeks and it will be assumed that you are up for more.

RaptorInaPorkPieHat · 12/08/2016 19:39

YANBU but you know they'll just use this as another reason not to like you right? They may even have done this in order to provoke a reaction (that's me projecting).

I think you were being very nice to offer them an olive branch to begin with.

Floralnomad · 12/08/2016 19:40

YANBU , that would be an absolute NO from me - I think it's very generous of you to even offer to 'make up' before the birth personally I wouldn't have bothered . I have been NC with my Inlaws for 19/20 yrs ( their choice) , my DH has maintained a relationship with them ( albeit strained) it's worked well for us .

Missgraeme · 12/08/2016 19:41

And u want these people in your children's lives why??? Relatives or not their negative attitude to their mother isn't going to be the grounds of a healthy appropriate relationship surely? And the fact they had to think about it ffs!!! Tell them u have thought about it some more and u think they can fuck off!!

Benedikte2 · 12/08/2016 19:42

I agree with Huldra. Have a word with nursing staff and say you don't want them staying too long as it is likely to upset you. Get it over and done with then and then it's another ball game and up to you whether they visit you at home or you visit them if ever!
Good luck

Original poster

marchmontmum · 12/08/2016 19:42

There was honestly no "incident" in then not talking to me,they just decided on my son's birthday that they didn't want t to see me for 6 months (3.5 years ago!) They come round on Christmas day and I stay in the kitchen and make it clear that if they want to speak to me that's where I am (through dh). I could be the bigger person but I just don't want to be! They chose not to speak to me so I feel they should be the ones to break it iyswim.
I'm probably a bit to hormonal now to face them but maybe a letter is the way to go. Gulp!

OP posts:

MrsSiba · 12/08/2016 19:43

Nicer than me to offer then the chance of making up and seeing the new baby.

When they said they would visit the hospital was that instead of coming to visit baby once you are home? Trying to work out if they are really interested in making up with you or just intend to meet baby.

coconutpie · 12/08/2016 19:43

No fucking way. Just no fucking way. They do not see you and they do not see your DC either. They are YOUR DC, you shouldn't be looking at it as "their grandchild". You are not a vessel to grow a baby just for them, the baby is YOUR baby. They can fuck right off. Tell your DH to grow a pair and to tell them that it won't be happening. Congrats on your pregnancy

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