To not want in laws to visit new baby at the hospital?

[marchmontmum]

Hi,
My in-laws haven't spoken to me in 3.5 years. No real fallout, they just turned up at Ds2s 3rd birthday and decided they didn't want to see me anymore. We didn't have the best relationship but I would say we tolerated each other for dhs sake. I'm now pg with number 3 and I suggested to my dh that he finds out from them whether they wanted to make up for the babies sake or accept that they probably wouldn't see their new grandchild for a few months as I would be breastfeeding (they live about 20 mins away). They told dh that they would have to think about it. Well, today, with 7 weeks til due date, he told me that they would like to come and visit while we are in the hospital (very high chance of me having a c section so will be in for 3 days) no mention of speaking beforehand or anything. AIBU to be annoyed at this? I know it's their grandchild but they have behaved so badly about the whole thing that I really don't want them coming in after I've had surgery when there has been no effort for 3.5 years! Help?! Xx

I'll ask you too Lady, would you be able to sit in a room with people who refuse to see you for the rest of the year?

It's not up to OP to patch things up because she didn't create the situation. Her inlaws did be deciding they didn't want to see her anymore.

Hell would freeze over before someone who wasn't speaking to me came into my house.

There would be no contact with my children either.

I'd tell them to fuck off. As in, I'd ring them and tell them to fuck off. My mil only decided she liked me when we announced my pregnancy - before that she was a complete bitch. I'm still annoyed that I let her come and see me after I had DD.

Why don't you invite them over for tea this weekend

Fabulous idea! You can feed them the dog biscuits they gave you for Christmas.

I'm in a v similar situation except my new baby is 6 months old and they haven't met her yet - they say they want to wait till I have stopped fb and for my DH to take her round to their house because they don't want to see me (but I dont want this as I have major doubts about their treatment of children even when supervised, with my first they refused to follow basic requests eg support her back when carrying her etc etc because they knew best, were outraged I didn't defer to their superior knowledge... ). I don't think it is childish to not want to see people who are openly hostile, I'd say to them via your DH that if they want to see your new baby they have to try to make amends with you first or at least promise to be civil, otherwise you are not being kind to yourself and letting them continue treating you badly. Congratulations!

Chipped :o

Dh hates that we don't get along but finds it easier to stay out of it which I understand

THIS is who is being unreasonable. Your DH needs to grow a pair and insist that unless his parents can behave reasonably towards you they do not get to do the nice things like visiting new babies. He doesn't have to give a verdict on who is right or wrong, or to try to make everyone best buddies. But he does need to make it clear that they need to treat you respectfully. All they need to do is that very British thing where you all make stilted polite conversation for 20 minutes

The only thing you need to change is that in future if they want to see your DC at Christmas your DH can take them over to their house , and for those people saying keep the kids away from them that's not necessary , the DC will grow up knowing what the score is and will eventually make their own decisions , neither of my DC have any contact with my MIL now they are older .

no you are vulnerable after birth. just no

Personally I think that if they haven't bothered to make any effort in the last 3 years then they haven't got any rights to expect to see you when you are (for want of a better word) in a vulnerable position.

So NO I absolutely think that YANBU in not wanting them there.

Thanks all. I have spoken to my dh and told him how uncomfortable I was with seeing them for the first time in the hospital so he is going to speak to them and try and sort something out. I really want all my children to have a relationship with their gps and think I will just have to suck it up for their sake. I think I will take the chicken way out and write them a letter so at least they know how I feel and I don't have to explain how I feel through tears. I have seven weeks left and was hoping for a stress free time! Oh well xx

I think he need to do more than "try to sort something out". You should be the priority.

I think he need to do more than "try to sort something out". You should be the priority
I absolutely agree with that. Your DH needs to "man up" and tell his family how it is, so what if it is a little bit hard for him? At least he hasn't got to give birth and then have your parents visit him in the hospital in this awkward situation like he is expecting you to.

Don't write them a letter - that's not you being a coward; it's your DH being one. Don't let him make you deal with his parents for him, especially when they aren't even respectful to you.

There has to be more to this, so you has guest at Christmas who came round and you didn't bother to greet them and say merry Christmas?

How did they know to come and say hello to you in the kitchen maybe they thought you were busy cooking and didn't want to disturb you.

What happened at you dd party?

I'd say to them via your DH that if they want to see your new baby they have to try to make amends with you first or at least promise to be civil,

Spot on by April. Same happened to me. Horrific start with v difficult in laws. DH not standing up to them was the initial problem. Caring DH would ensure parents treated DW with respect. However many with abusive parents seem terrified and give in to requests even as adults.

It took my DH a while and near divorce but def things got better when they learned they could not just have DH and my DC without me. They had to accept and be civil to me too. It wasn't pleasant for a long while (pretty much worse case scenario as in laws go) but many years later we all get on well which is miraculous considering. I sometimes wince knowing she came in to hospital etc whilst treating me so bad at the time and making my life so hellish at times. But in other ways I know I did all I could and didnt stop them seeing DGC.

I don't agree with the advice about let DH take baby on his own. They need to accept you as their son's partner!

YANBU

No, no, no you don't need the stress. Thet them visit when you are ready

Why would you want them to have a relationship with people who are so rude. Not everyone has grandparents - they are not a necessity. It's lovely when it goes well but why push it if they are so unpleasant. Why is your dh not standing up for you? What did he say about the dog biscuits? If someone did that to someone I love I wouldn't just brush it under the carpet as its really so weird and unpleasant.