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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want in laws to visit new baby at the hospital?

72 replies

marchmontmum · 12/08/2016 19:14

Hi,
My in-laws haven't spoken to me in 3.5 years. No real fallout, they just turned up at Ds2s 3rd birthday and decided they didn't want to see me anymore. We didn't have the best relationship but I would say we tolerated each other for dhs sake. I'm now pg with number 3 and I suggested to my dh that he finds out from them whether they wanted to make up for the babies sake or accept that they probably wouldn't see their new grandchild for a few months as I would be breastfeeding (they live about 20 mins away). They told dh that they would have to think about it. Well, today, with 7 weeks til due date, he told me that they would like to come and visit while we are in the hospital (very high chance of me having a c section so will be in for 3 days) no mention of speaking beforehand or anything. AIBU to be annoyed at this? I know it's their grandchild but they have behaved so badly about the whole thing that I really don't want them coming in after I've had surgery when there has been no effort for 3.5 years! Help?! Xx

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 12/08/2016 19:44

No, it wouldn't happen just after the birth for me. I'd say my DH could take the baby to see them for an hour when the baby was old enough to cope with being away from me for that length of time.

ImperialBlether · 12/08/2016 19:45

They come round on Christmas day and I stay in the kitchen

You must be mad. There's no way I'd do that.

Andbabymakesthree · 12/08/2016 19:47

If you want to be gracious then I'd arrange a quick hospital visit on your terms.

In hospital you can just give them a small window of time to visit you. No sit in your house making snide remarks ;-)

mumtofivepreg · 12/08/2016 19:49

good god no ! Some people ! I love my father in law dearly , but said no to his visiting me in hospital after my section, my own dad too for that matter! That time is for recuperating and bonding and in this heat ull likely be on the bed sweating , feeling pained and tired in ur underwear- not exactly optimum visitor receiving condition !!
If your OH wants to rekindle a relationship and ur happy to support it get him to suggest a visit after two weeks or so of being home, get him to say you're having a 'baby moon period' (which is what i do). If it's going to be an awkward reunion you want to at least be healed enough so that you are mobile and able to exit the room swiftly under the guise of putting the kettle on or something , so that you can go and swear into a tea towel in the kitchen! A good excuse is 'needing to feed the baby' where you can take urself off upstairs for a good twenty minutes- let ur OH deal with them for a bit, they are his weirdo parents !!
Good luck, i cant stand my MIL (no contact for four years -HOORAY!) she turned up unannounced hours after id given birth , (id had no sleep at all and was eager to sit and introduce our 2nd child to our first which id spent months looking forward to) and started googling baby names on her phone that she 'liked better' than the one we'd proudly announced we'd chosen :-|

Good luck, dont let them ruin a special time for you, all the very best for ur section :)

amidawish · 12/08/2016 19:50

maybe they think seeing you & the baby in hospital will be a lot less strained than seeing you in your home?

short & sweet?

it is all very odd though - you "hide" in the kitchen waiting for i'm not sure what when they come at christmas?

CoolioAndTheGang · 12/08/2016 19:52

Tbh the staying in the kitchen thing just sounds childish. I'd love to hear their version of events. I think it should be your dh's choice too, if he wants his parents visiting his child. His opinion is a lot more important than a bunch of strangers online imo. Would you like it, if he decided he didn't want your parents visiting, if his aren't allowed visit? If not, maybe you should rethink your ban.

dailymaillazyjournos · 12/08/2016 19:52

YANBU. After having a baby you are exhausted, sore, emotional, vulnerable. This is no time for them to be visiting after 3.5 year no contact and after so many demeaning and nasty things have been said.

I agree, that if appropriate, DH can take the baby to see them at some stage. If you WANT to see if any apology/move forward can be made in terms of the relationship between you and your in laws, then perhaps you can consider how/where/what/when you'd be willing for a visit/meeting to consist of. Right now, your responsibility is to yourself and your DC, not them.

MimiSunshine · 12/08/2016 19:53

Decide what will annoy you least, home or hospital. If it's home then go back and say no sorry hospital doesn't suit me as I'll get recuperating but you're welcome to visit us at home For an hour the day after we get home.

It's not for anyone else to decide and dictate to you

Heidi42 · 12/08/2016 19:55

I don't really know why you are even entertaining the idea of letting them back in , she sounds a right darling ,stay well clear you will be doing your dc a favour keeping them away , good luck with the baby btw

Chippednailvarnishing · 12/08/2016 19:56

Mmm, this really resonates with me. I have a civil but cool relationship with my Pils and I only ever now see them because they want to see the DC's once or twice a year.

Personally I think you are mad to have anything to do with them. You are not just a walking uterus there to provide them with GC. I also think your DP has a role in ensuring that his parents behave appropriately towards you and your DCs.

Badders123 · 12/08/2016 19:58

Could they give your Dh a new spine whilst you are having your section?
🙄😳🤔

Mummyoflittledragon · 12/08/2016 19:58

You invite them into your home at Christmas, cook for them and your dh lets them be that rude to you . Just no no no.

Hell would freeze over before I let them visit me in hospital.

My mother is nasty to me and she was told to stay away until she was summoned. She wanted to be present at the birth FFS. As it was, I guilted myself into letting her come when DD was 2 days old - first grandchild.

These people need to be kept away from you op. A c section is extremely debilitating. And your dh isn't protecting you. You're a saint to let them see your dcs. God knows what crap they're putting in your kids heads.

JudyCoolibar · 12/08/2016 19:58

They come round on Christmas day and I stay in the kitchen and make it clear that if they want to speak to me that's where I am (through dh)

Seriously? You do realise that makes you sound about 8 years old? Time to grow up, maybe?

headinthecloud · 12/08/2016 19:59

Absolutely not a chance! And I wouldn't entertain them visiting at home either

MistressMerryWeather · 12/08/2016 19:59

Nah, they made the decision to stop seeing you so leave them to it. This is just one of the consequences of their petty behavior.

The last thing you need is to be dealing with them after you have just given birth.

I wouldn't be made to feel uncomfortable in my own home on Christmas day either, DH wouldn't allow it anyway. Your DH needs to put a stop to that.

Mummyoflittledragon · 12/08/2016 19:59

Badders. Oh dear but rather

MistressMerryWeather · 12/08/2016 20:02

Why would the OP want to be in a room with people who refuse to see her the rest of the year, Judy?

I wouldn't either but they just wouldn't be welcome in my home.

toadierocks · 12/08/2016 20:06

Ah OP I could have written that post too. I have a very strange relationship with PIL too.... they haven't seen me in over 2 years and my DD for 20ish months. I'm sure they will be expecting to come up and see DS when he's born in a few weeks........ I find it all very odd! (especially as they refuse to talk to me most of time)

but I would say don't let them into the hospital, take some time for yourself and close family and deal with the morons I mean, PIL later.

Best of luck with the upcoming arrival

DeathStare · 12/08/2016 20:11

I don't know why you encouraged your DH to see if they wanted to visit. Personally I'd have just left it and if they weren't prepared to hold an olive branch out to you, then they'd have had to wait to see the baby.

Unfortunately I think that by asking them when they want to see the new baby then you/your DH have kind of held out an olive branch to them, and they have tried to take you up on it. If you pull that olive branch away completely now then I think you are going to make it harder to have any sort of reconciliation.

I think you and your DH need to think carefully about where you want this to go long-term. If you would like to have some sort of civil relationship with them in the future then this could be the opportunity. Your DH could lay down the law with them that if they visit you in the hospital they have to be pleasant with you and that if you extend them that courtesy then you both expect that they continue to treat you civilly from then on. If they can't manage that, then they aren't to come. Oh and all visitors (except DH/DC) can only stay 15 minutes as you need to recover.

If you don't care one way of another how your relationship goes from here on, then just tell them no, that doesn't work.

If you wanted to offer some half-way house you could offer that they come round to your home when you get out of hospital, but as PPs have pointed out it is easier to lay down standards of behaviour and a time limit in a hospital.

Personally, if it was me, unless they were in agreement that they were going to be civil with you from now on (no more having to hide in the kitchen) then they wouldn't be welcome at all - hospital or anywhere else - until the baby was old enough to be separated from you. And laying down those expectations with them is definitely your DH's job.

happypoobum · 12/08/2016 20:15

I don't understand this at all. Why do you want such utter bastards to have contact with your DC?

What does DH have to say about how they treat you?

If I were you it would be no visits at all. If Dh wants to go and visit them then whatever, but I wouldn't expose myself and DC to them.

Original poster

marchmontmum · 12/08/2016 20:20

Thanks all. I probably am being childish about not wanting to see them at Christmas and "hiding" in the kitchen. They only came round for 30 mins or so, not for lunch or anything so I felt I could avoid them and let them see their grandchildren, I had to cook dinner anyway and if they wanted to see me they knew where i was. Dh hates that we don't get along but finds it easier to stay out of it which I understand.
I really don't want to stop them seeing their new grandchild but I won't be able to keep it together I don't think (I'm I tears just thinking about it -again childish) I just don't know what is best.
I doubt my family will be visiting in hospital either fwiw, they have much further to travel and have other things to do.

OP posts:

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 12/08/2016 20:25

If they see the other DC with DH 3-4 times a year then surely they will meet new GC next time DH takes them over there (with it only being 20 mins away).

You could do hospital but with DH taking the baby out of the ward to see them for a few minutes.

LadyLapsang · 12/08/2016 20:28

You sound incredibly childish and ungracious. They visited you in your home on Christmas day and you didn't even greet them. Why don't you invite them over for tea this weekend and try to patch things up or pick up the phone and say hello. Does your DH take the children to visit?

MistressMerryWeather · 12/08/2016 20:28

You're not childish to find this all upsetting, stop being so hard on yourself.

I think it's time DH stops staying out of it to be honest.

The bottom line is you don't want them at the hospital so that is what needs to happen. Make that very clear to everyone.

Ditsy4 · 12/08/2016 20:30

I would let them. Keep it short and sweet. Bribe a nurse to come and check on you after half an hour and draw the curtains around you. Job done.
If you allow them to come to your house they might stay much longer.
Good luck with new baby.

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